Truth be told

It took me 18 years
to learn how to swallow my pride
and apologize
to those I have done wrongly by
whose feelings I hurt
and whose opinions I overlooked

It also took me 18 years
to learn that taking all the pain
wasnt mandatory
that instead of being broken down
and fixing myself up again
I had the option
to walk away

It may have taken me
nearly 2 decades
of wasted years
but at least now
I can finally
live.

It hits me hard
like a brick wall
crushing me inside out
enveloping my body
with each mighty blow

Sorrow is the horrible truth
to my existence
and recovering
from each time
It forcibly knocks me down
Is my own cross to bear

I walked away.

I am my own worst enemy
for continuing
to keep you close
torturing myself
with your images
and our fondest memories
whenever I feel the slightest form of love
It seems
as time goes on
It only gets harder
because I’m over here
  
                                    and you’re over there.

Nothing brings more bliss
than being warm and inside
on a cold winters eve
sipping tea
all alone

None to impress
None to share with

The sweet simplicity of being alone
but never lonely
of silence
that brings no sadness
of spacious slumber
that isn’t longing for another
and believing
that one day
all work out
as it should

I suppose waiting
for the minutes to go by
wont make them go
any faster
I should be putting my time and energy
to better use
than what I am
now

Waiting until you are ready
may have me waiting forever
when my time comes
and if my time comes
Hours will continue their pace
slow and steady

Foolishly siting here
waiting for my time to come
when time passes by just the same as yesterday
today
and tomorrow
Before long
It’ll be
too late.

I could go on writing for years
filling every page
from front to back
with every thought I ever had
and every word I never spoke

I could write symphonies
for the moments worth living for
The smiles
that brightened the day
and the laughs
that ring though the night

I could paint all the stars from the sky to the heavens above
the sparkling sapphire lakes
and the rolling emeralds hills
that grace the land
we share
as one

But what good is it
when all I could do
and all I would do
is completely meaningless
without you

I will not unlock the door
to stand and face
the demon you’ve become
allowing you
to take over my mind
whenever you please
I will not unlock the door
and allow myself to be humiliated
becoming your target once again
Your screams can be blocked
The endless banging on the door
holds no purpose to me

Stand there all you want
You will never possess me

I will not unlock the door.

Days make this body
so frail
so weak
as colours lose their vibrance
and soon
I can hardly stand

What can the future hold
for my sickness
Will there be sunny days ahead
running,jumping and singing
hugs,kisses and hellos
I can bear no more goodbyes

With my medicines close
and the frost at my window
I dream of light
and a body not my own
capable of so much more
of all I hope to do
and a future set in stone

As my fragile self sleeps
I dream of life
beyond

Physical existence is painful
To those who feel they burden
Everyone around them
As if every inhale
every word uttered
Every step taken
is just an annoyance
and should be apologized for
A life like this could even be considered no life at all

What is it that makes us keep going
despite believing so deeply
that to go on would be a grave mistake
Perhaps we are cowards
afraid to leap off the beautiful buildings
closing in around us
or we feel unworthy
for even in death
we hold no grace

Burdens we are,
we are born every day
likely to go on with time
All we can ever hope for
Is that we will change
with time itself

I cant recall the words
I said to you before
nor can I promise
It was all falsely said

I have forgotten
the colour of your eyes
the length of your hair
your smile
and I fear
you have forgotten me too
and I’ll always be here
thinking of all
I should have said

If you find the time
when days are still
and all your worries
begin to feel
like they are not so bad,
Remember me kindly
as I
will remember you

It was never about
falling in love
was it
It was about how fast
and how effectively
you could fall
out of love
in case he hurt you
and you know
that pain well
don’t you
You know that love
is the ultimate surrender
and you will not fall willingly
this time.

I told her my thoughts travel
with the changing breezes
and shifting tides

Nothing stayed for long in my world
all that surrounded me was a mass of confusion and chaos

She asked me what was permanent
Not the memories
the people
the buildings
not even myself
Then why should I continue this useless life
knowing nothing lasts forever
why should I coexist with all
that can never stay

That is when
she looked into my eyes
and asked me to try
and that
was all it took

I’ve been trying for her
ever since

Your letters have begun to clutter up my desk
your belongs have taken up my bookshelves
and now your image has filled all parts
of my mind
How sad of me
to keep repeating old conversations
adding new words I wish I had said
and to still walk the long way home
we used to take in the spring to see the flowers
and to prolong the inevitable goodbye
How sad of you
to say goodbye
How sad of me
to refuse to believe that time will continue
long after you had left me

I wish someone had taught me
how to handle all that remained from love and hate
and how to move on from feelings
when they still remain
What am I to do with it all
when burying it far down
will not solve anything
and embracing it
will only hurt more
than before
I wish someone had taught me
how to let go of all I had to move on
Now I don't know
what I should do
in order to be free
from the binds
you unknowingly hold
So tight

You are light
The sun,moon and stars
and every reason to smile

You are the warmth
Flooding through my veins
Engulfing me in the bliss
of a pure moment in time

You are love
For I knew no meaning more true to the word before you

So vivid
So real
A love I could live
eternally

The world
is a beautiful place
and I am not afraid
to die
leaving this body
In the fields of green
where blood will form one
with the rushing rivers
and steady ponds
bones will grow trees
in the ever fertile soil
and my eyes will see the world
as she ages so delicately
as I become one
with the earth
I am not afraid
of the cold hand of death
whilst the beauty that surrounds me
continues to live

May every warm smile
kind gesture
and sweet word
find its way
into the rugged pockets
of your wool coat
for every struggled step to get home
on the coldest of winter of nights

Remember all the good that has met your acquaintance
as you go about your way
Let them light your path home
Let them warm your aching body
Let them fill your heart with more love
than you could ever possibly fathom

But always leave a few left
In your back pocket
to offer to those
with darker paths
ahead

Its 3am
as I stand in the snow
watching the snowflakes come down
one by one
and all I hear
is your voice

I am my own worst enemy
for hurting you again
and nothing about that
can ever change

I stand alone shivering
I deserve no warmth
I deserve no company
Nothing can be fixed
If I am the problem

Its 3am
and I must decide
where to go
from here

I was wrong from the start
to look upon you with good will
to keep the harsh words
you left to dig into my flesh
reminding me of how cruel
the world can be
You
speaking of respect and virtue
while tearing down others
simply out of personal spite

I wonder
besides the hypocracy of it all
if now that time has passed
if you sit alone with pride
for what you do

I can guarantee the scars you left
I will carry to the grave
and one day
you will be able to tell the story
of how you killed another
on the inside
because that
is what you caused
so that must be
what you wanted.

If something can hurt me inside out
that once made me feel so happy
then it truly must have been
something wondrous

To have someone
come into my life
and make me feel so beautiful
so right
so lucky to be alive
is something that happened to me
and me alone

How lucky of me
to feel such happiness for a brief time
and maybe
if someone has loved me before
someone can love me
again

After all,
tomorrow is a new day
to live again

To believe that life will stand still when you do
would be a foolish thought
but one can only hope for such a reality
to hide the guilt of wasting precious time
In order to save a few minutes
to curl up on your bed and think
cry
or long for past events to change

We thrive on the hope that somehow
our future actions will atone for our past errors
By any chance we realize the truth
We hope
and god, do we ever hope
that life will slow down long enough for us
to pick ourselves up and try again
should we ever be so lucky

Feeling is such an undecided blessing and curse
for whom will it turn to
and who will it turn for
Once you vow yourself to another
what can you say
when you have lost all feeling from before
having no intention
of finding it again

The heart we carry is so fragile
and we are so young
What a shame that we cannot remove ourselves from another life
without taking a piece of them with us
When so many have taken you apart
and so many have left your side
how can you open your eyes
to the light

I have loved and lost
Though we are apart
I would never fall from regret
If only you had left apart of yourself
for me too

Today I heard your name
I heard you are well
living soundly with blossomed love
My stomach had turned in knots
and my heart had felt it was pushing its way
out of my chest

This time, the feeling began to fade.

More shocked than I had ever dreamnt I could be
Here I was hearing your name
seeing your face
and feeling nothingness inside
and from there
happiness grew

Maybe this time I can wish you well
with a smile on my face
stemming from head to toe

Maybe this time I will breathe slower
to the beat of my own stumbling heart

Maybe this time
I will not be afraid to live
anymore

The more time spent alone
the more I find it intoxicating
The sound of steady breathing
the pages of a tattered novel slowly turning
my chair creaking to my shifting weight
as I foolishly try to get comfortable
on a brisk afternoon
When all is not as hectic as before
and my only concern
is my tea over cooling
before the chapter ends
When the whole world lies in my room
my book
my mug and chair
and the rest is tucked away
for a little while longer

How much longer
until my bones to ash
These days cause me to grow weary of life
as everything leads to a creeping sickness of my soul

Days have lost there radiance
and the sun shines over me no more
I cannot take this existence so far from what I once had
The weight of the world
cannot be lifted by my arms any longer

The nights are longer now
and the dark feels like home
Love has said its final goodbyes
and so It is time
I say mine as well

I do what I have to
My duty to my own
I hold a weapon
I don't think twice
The enemy deserves no second chances
I shoot because they are not on my side
I look straight ahead as they fall because they follow another's orders
There is nothing else I can do
This is not my war
This is only my fight.

Gentle nights
So sweet do they sound
The warm glow of the moon and nothing else
The breeze drifting by and by
for the dreamers that wish
for a better tomorrow
Silent wanderers glance up
hoping for better days
in far off cities
searching for the stars
only to find streetlights
to guide them back home
for the day may be for prospering
but the night promises a life beyond tomorrow

I see you in the stars
the moon
and the shinning sun

I hear you in the rainstorms
the morning doves call
and the trains whistle

I feel you in the fields of green
the warm spring breeze
and the burning fires

You are beauty
living on through every breath
every bright smile
every laugh
every one falling in love for the first time

and now
I will live enough
for the both of us

Every passing cloud in your sky
has a silver lining
maybe not as clear
when you’re so far down
with your head hung low
Hidden by the storms
and striking lightening
Through the dull and grey
It remains
and cliches aside
It still hold true
shining with a single spark
lighting up the world
and I believe
you can light up the whole world
You are so
nearly
there

Toiling away
To live is to work
till death
heads down obediently
What better sound
then that of the evening whistle blow
a body drop
a new opening
a job to be done
a meal on the table
No talking now
In the factories
In the streets
In our homes
We are all slaves
to our homeland
our protectors
the government
and our empty stomachs
selfishly crying out for more
A harsh truth we tell
Our legacy we carry on
only to be remembered as workers
in life
but worthless
in death

One of these days
I suppose
things will turn out right
because I am trying
and I’d like to think
that there is light at the end of the tunnel I have been wandering through

I would like to believe
I will make peace will all those who have done wrong by me
because hate is too big a burden
for my fragile form to carry
and from here
I will walk towards a better future
and never look back

I do not know
which is worse,
the fact that
you still have the power to tear me down
and continue to do so
or the fact that
as much as I want to believe that I am okay
as many times as I look in the mirror
and tell myself I have grown stronger
your words still tear me
limb from limb
and I surrender
letting you do
as you please
again and again

You may not have noticed
my much slower pace
deep sunken eyes
or feeble short limbs
laying on the corner
of my unkept bedroom
and who
can blame you
for It isn’t a pretty sight
unlike all the other days
I had tried so hard
for smooth porcelain skin
and big brightened eyes
If only
           If only
your eyes could spare
a moment of pity
to look upon something
not worthy of you
                      If only
                                 If only
                                             oh well
                                                          oh well….

Flickering flame
A dance of light
The untouchable beauty
upon her lips
Danger
she speaks
so fast
and just once
she calls out
The flames dance
with every breath
The fire burns her
alive
and she
smiles.

I am human
just like you
I want to feel
the joy of misery
to cry over my scars
injuries
and despairing moments
because sometimes
all you need is a little grief
to help you feel alive
It is not a dangerous word
nor a harmful poison
A pinch sadness can be beautiful and needed
if you let it come when it pleases
and hold the door when it leaves

I know
that I cannot control
what direction the wind blows
any more than I can change
what lies within your soul
Despite my attempts
at making myself a home in your heart
there can never be enough room
for me to stay
where I do not belong
and so,
with a heart as heavy as stone
I will pack my bags
once more

Pasted flyers
Busy streets
all account for
a part of me
This sinkhole society
but it’s still my own
Every cigarette ****
Every broken bottle
stain my jeans
my flesh
my teeth
and before we know it
we can’t even see
this sweet little town

                                         Home sweet home.

It never ceases to amazes me
how the sun seems to shine
a little brighter in your presence
and so do I
Maybe now
there is a reason
for this world
that could be nothing short of your smile
and soon
I cannot tell
dream from reality
and why care
as long as you are with me
in both

To know a man
inside out
is as impossible
as removing a mask
you never knew existed

Should this be accomplished
would make taking in the darkness
and still being able to look upon his face
with unclouded eyes
only but a foolish dream

We may believe that truth
is the purest of virtues
but can we handle the darkness
that comes along with it?

can we handle it
when it makes itself
apart of us?

When my mind begins to wander
I miss summer days
The warm sun and sea breeze
holding me in a tight embrace
as I sit at the waters edge
terrified to go any closer
as if the waves would scoop me up
and take me away

When my mind longs for love
I miss summer nights
To be with you
under the moon
walking around our small town
saying everything our minds cared to remember
leaving our worries for tomorrow

When my heart was in your hands
My mind begins to ponder
how much our lives have changed

I never understood
when people became heartbroken
after finding out their idols had flaws

If anything
it made them more real
more within our reach
reminding us that they are human
despite their darkest times
finding a way to accomplish what we can only imagine

we all have our own demons
it is you who decide
to turn your back
or invite them in