It's too hot in the day to go outside
It's too cold at night to stay alive
It's too late to sleep but, too early to be awake
My eyes are too tired but my mind's cranking thoughts
Work days are too long, mentally too shot.
I bet you felt this way too,
I bet you do.

It's two a.m. laying down, I feel inspired
You can keep the fame, the money, and whatever
I look to you and hope to be admired
Just a clever kid trying to make ends meet
Every time I pull them closer, they change the game
So friend have a seat, don't ask for a nickel or dime
While you're in my place, I promise you'll be fine.
I hold my own, I carry my weight, this life is golden
All the rest is a roll of luck and some fate
Rereading my own self and feeling great
While few others offer me their time and that's ok,
I'm already amazing, you'll believe me someday.

It seems unfair that I outlive my peers
As I get older, that will become deeper, i fear.
Today, I push with every muscle in my drive
Tomorrow, I may just live to survive.
It's been sitting on my head, the first friend i made,
Already made a leap to an early grave.
Free to be free but death has us enslaved
I'm talking to the walls but they ignore me still
Stuck awake and it all just feels unreal.

I remember all those terribly awkward years
In a time capsule that dropped me right here.
I'd stay up with an unplugged microphone
Singing some songs about being alone
Writing so many poems of being unknown
How everyone looked so perfect,
They had a plan that seemed perfect,
They weren't like me, they weren't like you.
Masks of perfection that made me feel less than you
Questioning all of the life we've been through

I had a combination to a lock I still know
Even if it's to a door, now unknown
Down the hall you can find me, number 345
studying chapters in books on how to feel alive
Then graduate, jumping off that high dive
And we splash, knowing nothing
Praying we don't drown
Sick from the vertigo of a planet spinning us around.

Everyone looked so perfect,
They had a plan that seemed perfect
Just like me, just like you
With a mask having each the other fooled
Questioning how they made it through
I'm so perfect.
You're so perfect too.
My plan is, I haven't got a clue.

Let me write these words pushing mental boulders
Throwing more pencils to the ceiling than Fox Molder
Keep believing in warmer days, it's getting colder
You couldn't freeze these gears, I came to play
Slay these demons without a sword to wield
Don't teach me the game, toss me into that outfield
Out of the cast but stuck remembering my name
Focus, on that single lane life but that satisfaction won't last

So you're trained to live for a dollar sign and that's fine
But me, I live for myself, I live for my family,
I live for those I don't even know and that's why this society can't stand me
I'll never be righteous enough to judge my peers
But when those lights go out, what do you really fear?
I fear that we entered a war against ourselves and losing
Looking at humans as a race, a gender, a label.
This table is not stable, it's leaking
I'm not speaking as a whole but in general, small lights
Shining to each other breaking stereotypes
This is my life, so dull, I created my own hype.
If you want to pull an ounce of my energy
Become an entity hell bent on greatness
You could be greatness, create it.

You've been waiting your whole life for a spotlight
Unable to see anything in sight because all you created was darkness
Every action, transaction, was watched by someone.
Make like a split power line, sparks shooting out a live wire
All it takes is one flame to become a bonfire.
It's all success if you throw your all into that blaze
They will believe you're crazed but shadows emerge and admire
The only reason your dreams are unrealistic
Is because most don't have the strength to risk it
But few fans would buy stock in your story,
With front row seats, they'd never miss it.

It's pretty crazy thinking like this,
It's pretty amazing the words that were writ
In my hand, without command, lands with
People across the world, similar souls,
Similar goals, I'm looking for peace.
Searching for depressive thoughts to release.
I show them a Hydra living inside,
They show me beasts of similar size.
Similar minds pretending everything is fine,
But if this hurt is so common, why do we hide?
Embarrassed admission will eat us alive.

Start introductions with respect
And let the response be a guide to how you proceed.
Don't judge people by their appearance,
I've met some of the most honest people without a penny to their name
And some of the most crooked people dressed in suits with a firm handshake.
Try to go to sleep every night without anger
And wake up every morning the same.
Make time to do something you love
Between all the obligations you have to do.

Learn a little about a lot of religions,
You might realize everyone is searching the same.
There is enough hate in the world without
Racism, bigotry, or a non-violent personal choice.
Don't worry about everyone else
Or you may lose sight of yourself.
Try to adapt with the world around you
But know when to hold your ground
Because some convictions aren't worth breaking
While others only exist like worn grooves.

Do something nice with no expectation
For your own personal being.
If you have the opportunity to pay life forward
You may be in a better position than the one you helped
And you are owed nothing for being kind.

It's okay to take advice from strangers
But always take it with a grain of salt
Because they are not in your same position
And you are not in their position either.

I grew up in a small town just like you,
Wandering the streets with nothing to do.
We had dreams of beautiful chaos
Only stopping to laugh off our lives,
Don't talk about the issues that keep us up at night,
Standing broken but whole in the right light,
Standing whole seen through broken eyes.

Remember the times we hit the highway
Flying fast, transitioning from the 81 to 80
Hoping we might just run out of gas
Giving us a reason to not turn back,
While listening to all the anthems
That made us miss a childhood we never had.
With tears in your eyes,
you turned the music down low
Meeting your solemn gaze
You begged me not to take you home.

I grew up in a small town just like you
Until the night we didn't turn around
In search of something new

I want to write you something perfect
For every perfect moment you gave me.
You helped me everytime I was down,
Just you and I with music cranked loud.
You were worth every dollar I gave you,
You were worth all the grief you gave me.

Do you remember when we got high
At a dead end street in a development?
Do you remember when we felt low,
Rolled down all the windows,
And sang so loud that the people would stare.
It feels like we were always in a rush,
You were the reason I stopped taking
That toxic number four bus,
It made me so sick, I would get in the door,
And just throw up.

You were the wingman no one noticed,
You were the therapy I never went to,
All the loses and victories, you were there.
Every obstacle I ever pushed passed,
Everytime I felt like a failure,
Putting my head on your dash.
All the nights I laid out with you
Just watching the stars and moon.
Although it's been more than a decade,
With you, it still feels too soon

All the beautiful people I'll never be
Walking on these crooked paths and
See right through me, I see right through you
Who am I? I'm beautiful, you're beautiful.
And I find it scary, we define ourselves only by words
Found in every standard dictionary.
What's your beauty making you a freak?
Before you speak, understand, you don't need to speak
That quality may only be seen, and no word can describe
Why, in this world, you are perfectly unique.

Or maybe you got out of the house today,
With a crippling fear that you might deteriorate
If someone looked you straight in your eyes,
But you're still out there, anxiety building, coasting the tides.
A victory to me may be your every day life
So if today all you did was get out of bed
Instead of fighting a constant strife in your own head
I'm rooting for you, do everything that is you.

All the beautiful people I'll never be
Are just as broken, believe me
We all have a closet full of skeletons.
Dance with the bones, come into your own element
I'm alone in a room with a circus full of elephants
Juggling knives and flaming clubs, then turn them all to doves
They throw peanut shells and I dance in a deadly dust
Flying until I fall off this adrenaline rush.
All the beautiful people, will never be me.

There's glass between our beings,
A whole life I couldn't touch,
Eyes that saw my soul each day
With a heart that made mine rush.
A smile that I couldn't see, around it,
Cheeks I had never seen blush.
But for now knowing was enough.

There are waves that crash inside me,
The same ones you watch come down.
Talking through an ocean
Of life's trouble each us found.
But I swim for you, you swim for me
Watching through clear frames
Being sure neither of us drowns.

They put glass between our bodies
So I waved you back a bit,
Smiling to your approval
Turning my digits to a fist.
Pounding ******, pounding broken.
Reaching in to pull you out,
Reaching out to pull you in,
Never did I let you go again.

She sees the walls like iron bars,
Dreams of big dreams but she's on a leash
So even when she pleas, she isn't going far.
What if she leaves, makes like the trees.
I bet she'd see how lovely the world could be.
They use to say her head's in the clouds
But I know she really saw stars.
I know she lived in the stars.

The world appears vast and unknown,
In comfort, it's easy but the door stays closed,
She feels alone but ready to grow
Don't come too close, don't come too close,
Push away those thoughts, leave me alone.
So everyone does and she's left in her zone.

Until one day she sees her leash
For all its real abuse, she bows her head,
And removes that age old noose.
For the first time, in a long time she can see.
America can be beautiful,
America can be free.

Dear Ana,

I feel like I've had you on my mind, this whole life.
I feel like you might take me from this family,
Suffocating me, cutting me out with a knife
It's hard for me to understand why you follow so close,
At times when I eat alone, I think of you the most, Ana.
While other demons take a backseat you will never be ghost
They called me a freak in school with you on my chest
And Ana the nights you felt closest,
Are the times I wanted to rest.

When I see your face, you leave me breathless,
My heart starts pounding with my mouth trembling
You pull me in and whisper "let's end this"
As much as it pains me not to succumb to your song,
I pull your arms from my neck then you're gone,
Gone in a person but there in a presence
But I don't agree to that fate, yet have come to acceptance

So Ana, you say you miss me and every meeting seems dire
The doctors, they tell me, you're bad for my health
Still until I expire you'll never retire
And Ana feels access holding my throat in
With one injection and slowly i count to ten
Now Ana be silenced for a moment
But still talking from within.
Ana never leaves but keeps quiet until it's a struggle again

How come we have to die
To show up in someone's mind
You can have a thousand friends
That all showed up after the end
Who pretend that they were there,
Who pretended that they had cared.
All the people standing over my hole,
I'm staring at you from six feet down here
But if this life isn't, why believe death is fair.

They keep speaking of tragedy
Being the only way to really promote peace
Cooking enough enemy meat to have a feast
But the enemy is me when the enemy is you
Both told we are right, both believing it's true.
When we both fell to the floor its only then we knew
We truly only have one life to lose.

Remember being kids? Remember where we lived?
Living the only place we could afford to go,
Spent eight years getting out of the mold
So when this anxiety and panic even try to take hold
I use those cards I was dealt to never fold.
Im not asking for a thing because everything
I ever had was mine
And if it all fades away that's absolutely fine
The memories are the only thing I won't leave behind.
And that's absolutely fine.

Do you think
Anyone will ever read what I write
With the same passion i wrote it?
Do you think they'll have tears in their eyes
In the parts it feels my mind is imploding?
Would they feel how long I stared at an open page
While they stare out at this paper
Like a well lit stage

Right before the world ends,
I wonder if people will still hate,
If they would try to fix the mess
Or simply still cast blame.
I wonder if they'll forgive old pain,
Let hurt fall from their chest,
Or be angry until damnation came
With every thought they had left.

Right before the world ends,
Would you care which people came from where?
Would you care about documentation
For those who wanted better life and found it here?
Would their skin color make them less human?
Would you hate them, would you dare?
What about ****** preference?
Do we hope they get scorched too?
I'm a dying human, tell me what are you?

Right before your world ends,
Did you think about the traffic jam,
How much money you had earned,
How about your makeup and hair?
I bet you thought of someone you loved,
Hoping to see them there...
Right before the world ends,
You'll never see it coming
So why not make that change today
Instead of filling the world with hate.

Once there was a boy all dreamy-eyed questioning  where in life he'd go
Now, he is a young man and still he doesn't know

I grew up in a town with a church on every block,
I grew up in a town with a bar on every block,
On the streets, the same homeless man would walk
Riding a bike or walking on his feet
But everyone knew each other,
So they would wave a hand to greet.
The *** holes were planted like flowers
And those flowers seemed to grow
The adults complain for hours
About a lot of things I'd come to know.

I grew up in a town, it looked a lot like yours
It had a park, it had my friends,
So many nights heading home at dark.
I'd bet you know it just as I
You can even hear the squeaky swings,
If you gave it a try.
We built a bridge to cross the streams,
At day's end talking about our dreams,
Listening to songs that made us alive.

I grew up in a town, I left some years ago.
The streets look mostly the same
Now filled with people I don't know.
Friends will stay in touch, we'll stay in touch,
Friends I now don't talk to much.
Growing up in a small town in such a rush.

Sick of being stuck awake,
I should probably bake a cake,
Stuff a file inside, then sit for an hour of wait,
Another hour to cool, use the tool to pry my mind from this cage
Blow out the candles, the world becomes my stage
But I fall flat on a crowd with button eyes, deaf ears,
Rusted mental gears, and smiles looking at me queer.
"Hi I'm Ryan, I'm a poet. I belong here."
Reading to a generation that skipped reading,
Stuck feeding off of the **** for free
Asking for another handout that a past life made them believe
They deserved, too delicate, while I stay thick like corduroy,
Poking fun like I should take some ilk, you're too soft
I destroy you, still drinking mother's milk, you're soft as silk.
Don't make me spell it out, we are cut from different cloth.

I've sat with my life choices happy as an oyster
In a month that doesn't have an "R"
People walk through the door and try to raise my bar,
You couldn't come close, don't judge those who trudge
Through mud and sludge then take a second to coast,
I'm still a star while others whack the green,
Barely even keeping up with par.

I don't even have enemies, I get angry with my own mind
That tells me I should be on a steady grind
Then find myself too tired to stay awake
Too awake to fall asleep, let's write it out,
I never was one to be good at counting sheep
I took to counting breaths, counting beats,
Never couldn't count on me, have a seat.
Let's talk it out and bake a cake,
Another file filed so I can free this cage,
I flee the stage.

Excuse me, sir
Can I buy a bit of time?
Death day is coming fairly soon
Looking at stars, I could read the signs
Slicing scythes through souls
To leave a hole in my whole being.
Without any modification still,
I feel a broken existence is all they're seeing.
That's not to say this life is shallow
But the targets I am aiming just end up breaking
When my points are sitting hollow.

Sir, if I could have a moment more,
My life fluid dripping from my heart
Puddling the bathroom floor.
No one tends to notice, no one stops
Today, I kick the bucket. Tomorrow, they just mop.
Forgetting to be human
To all other human beings,
Writing cries but no one's reading.

Please, if I could have a second...
Okay, no hand wavering, I get it.
Just let me close my eyes
Drifting into another spectrum.

Laying up late, flipping through magazines,
Look at these beautiful people,
The bodies of angels who deserve to be seen,
Reading articles, thinking one day,
That could be me.
I just need to lose this waste of flesh, of fat,
Looking into a mirror of everything I hate.
Models can do it, they aren't just built like that.
Thinking one day, that could be me.

I'll skip lunch for a week, just speak
As if I'd eaten a lot before
No one will question me, I'm sure.
I'm quiet regardless, I started cutting down
On the other meals as they come around.
I've been a little dizzy and lightheaded
But I already lost 20 pounds,
One day I'll be beautiful,
Standing over a speechless crowd.

People are starting to take notice,
I'm nervous, making excuses.
I eat here and there so they know I've had enough
Then slip off to get it back up.
My chest hurts a little but I can reach my goal,
To be like the beautiful people, I would sell my soul
Even if I had to starve myself whole.

Honey is beauty in the eyes of bee holders
With a hive that's guarded by many soldiers
But for me, my love, it is coffee, mate.
In a red container and a label reading Folger 's
No time to brew, so I chew grounds in my teeth
About a half tub a day, let's be honest, I don't sleep.
No 40 winks, not a one, in a blink, that day's done
And I only wrote this because I found the wordplay fun

I hang my head down low
When the mask falls and everybody knows,
Don't look through my windows,
Shades closed, I'm ok because they say so.
I'm not ok but I make those jokes
So they don't see real pain,
They don't see emotional strain.
Tried to fix the engine but it blows up.
Back on a clean slate, inside ready to erupt
No look he's normal, he must be great.

Don't talk about it, just walk around it
Look how happy the little clown is
I pull these balloons so they go loose,
Blow them up and tie my noose
Hung up until I deflate too soon
Playing that pop goes the weasel tune.

People get odd when you're nice today,
You must want something,
What's your angle to a compliment
What's the meaning to the time spent
Picking someone up even if they aren't down?
Spreading hate, I just don't relate.
There's enough of that, here's a smile,
Feel free to spread it around.

I'm only weird in the sense you made me that,
Ok fine, I am weird but, not for being polite.
The problem is good people sat back
While hate spread like a shadowy night
They don't dance, they look to destroy lives.
Hate your self image, make you feel worthless.
Clean off the mirror, you are perfect,
To each their own, you are perfect.

Imagine if we made love normalized
The same way we judge each other's eyes
In present tense, I'm a childish believer
But the air is getting way too dense.
Shake a stranger's hand and take a chance.
They might need it more than you know.
They might need it more than they show.

I'm anxious
I've been stuck in this minute
For what feel like a day
Trying to shake this headache,
Yet here it stays.
I'm a hair away from pulling out my follicles
Scraping molecules from my mind.
So I took a breath of air
In the open world, the demons and I share,
The land isn't so slanted making the playing field more fair.

There's too many people making too much noise
The girls and boys are playing, they're all saying
Something at the same time, at the same time
I'm trying to keep my thoughts in line
They all keep their cool so how come, I'm losing mine
Its too confusing, they're abusing the spot lights,
I hit a stop light, I don't not feel not right
Losing my grip and one little slip
Regret in the hind sight, once I have my mind tight.
Alright.

I wish they understood the pressure.
One little bother to overflow all my levers
I wish I understood the pressure
And, honest, I'm trying.
A minute past meltdown I'll be crying
Because I didn't mean it
You don't get it, I didn't mean it all
The smallest largest thing can tear down these walls
And sometimes I want you to see my side
And that's all.

I got a message today that said:
"Hey Ryan, I know your father.
Did you know, you look just like your father?"
Oh, you know my father?
I don't know him at all, he never bothered.
I'm not the child he ever wanted.
But when I look in that mirror
And see his face, I wish I could waste myself.

I know you didn't know, it shows.
He talks like he was there, which isn't fair,
I receive a message once a year
"Happy birthday" I don't get why.
Just to say to himself he tried?
The only thing I can say are ours
Is every one of those mental scars
That get ripped open in his name.
Sixteen years so far of feeling lame.

You know my father?
Can you tell me...
Does he answer when you call?
When you write, does he answer at all?
You know my father?
That's nice to hear, I don't.

I'm a ******, I'm the oddball
My style defiles piles of pop culture ads
While I bounce off these rubber walls
With a hamster running in my head,
Until around two a.m. he goes to bed
Typing a tapestry of insanity
Pouring all the demons from my edeitic memory
Blaming the insecurities on my pedigree
Then destroy all the evil like a heroic entity.

I keep peace without a peacekeeper
I fight reapers hissing like creepers
In a secret lair, Kronk pull the le-ver,
Slashing male stereotypes, aren't I cleaver?
You wouldn't want to try to battle my wits
You'd ball your fists, I'd spit at you, sir
And let my vernacular blast your brains
This isn't a Robert Frost work, stay in your lane.

You'd take the path less traveled,
I'd pound the ground until the earth unraveled
Leaving nothing but the gravel to grovel
Like a duck without grapes you should waddle,
I drink coffee by the hoddle,
Never stuck in stop or stall, keep it rolling,
I'm a Katamari, oddball.

I'm too young to feel this old,
Mentally too old to be his young.
Took a shotgun to my pillow
And told the dreams that I was done.
I stopped buying breath mints
So the devil might stop trying to take my breath,
I stopped believing in church when
They they denied the only saint here left.
I'm sure in your religion I'm going to hell,
But in mine, it's only the hipocritical who fell.
Farewell.

I've had my fair share of brushes with death
Painting me into this man
But her I am, standing tall enough,
To help you stand.
I've been paying this life forward,
In a karmatic effort to see old age
And laughing at how silly it must sound
To hope I can live long enough
To be broken down.

I'm not sure of very much,
But I hope to keep dancing

They say pain is better than feeling nothing,
But nothing feels worse than pain.
She was just an innocent woman,
All that changed in a day,
Her husband came home upset.
They argued and he slapped her face to the floor.
She was left in shock,
started packing her things and out the door
He gained a level head, apologizing evermore.
She started making excuses and stayed
But if it ever happened again she swore,
She wouldn't live there anymore.

It's been years since that first time,
Just a couple bruises no one sees,
She keeps messing everything up,
So she deserves what she received.
A couple shots to her ribs,
A tight jab just above the knee.
Even if she wanted to go,
He says, he can always find me
"And I'm happy sometimes,
As long as I do everything perfectly"
But if she ever had a chance she swore,
She wouldn't live there anymore.

She wakes up early just to put on her face,
Staring into a mirror, breaking down with the shakes.
She can't count the bruises, the pain in every place.
Everyone knows the truth but, it seems too late.
She needs help but everywhere is out of reach,
She's broken down with a split lip affecting her speech.
Someday she would speak out, right then, she swore
She wouldn't live there anymore.

Then one night he went too far,
She was packing up her things,
He saw crimson, blood boiled to the core
She started pleading with every shot he bore.
They say pain is better than feeling nothing
But nothing feels worse than pain, she's sure.
As he took a final blow, she wasn't living anymore.

He's been down for a couple years
An understatement, he had downed a couple beers
He strolled into the usual place around two,
Saw a new face ******* pop as he sat down
Waving to the crew, sitting at his bar stool.
He liked to talk of the past when he was low,
Lend him an ear and he'd let you know.

A second drink, but each was ordered double,
In came the usual young couple,
He knew the young man pretty well,
A new girl a week as far as he could tell.
He played the first date lines many times,
Memorized compatible astrological signs.
The girl seemed nervous, heart in race
Should he tell her, her date's a snake?
It probably wasn't his place.
Another empty glass to waste.

This place was home to his homeless world,
The same men squabbling in quarrells,
The same broken parents trying to raise
A child in the life he'd come to know a maze
Lost men and women feeling down,
He took his drink to numb the sound.
As the stranger at the table stood to go,
He wondered if this was a face he'd come to know.

If you can affect one person, it's worth it.
Your story, your hurt, your love.
Show them where your heart has sat with purpose.
Nervously posting my pen to them,
Hoping they see some truth to what I've said.
No I'm not a trend setter, just writing letters
Looking to clear my head before bed.

I never plan to be much a super man,
Most days I barely slip by as Clark Kent
Laughing off the world in a joker's lie
While I bury all of these deep thoughts inside,
Just to flip the coin, more relatable to Harvey Dent.
Only to deduce that I suffer from self-abuse,
Making me a basket case, Harley Quinn.

But if all ever live to do is inspire you
To take a risk and follow through
On any shot you've potentially got
Then my mission in life has come true.
In spite of living in the darkness,
I want to shine light instead.

The first time I picked up a pen was for you,
They said I should write you a letter,
I did you one better
And sculpted my life in poem,
Wrote down my pains so you'd know them.
and sometimes you push "like".

I'm sick of you, you shackle me
Metal teeth that lock still laughing
But don't break, it's unsafe, you see
Have to take this thing to hell and back,
Its dangerous, they do insist.
I'm chained to you like a sick Saw game
With a rusty blade, I cut right through.
Only to still have you glued.
Right here.

When your limbs did break,
I would push them back if still attached
That double latch that wouldn't clasp,
My fingers couldn't bend like that.
Call some help, a medic stat!
Forceps push into a snap.

Now that I have you mine again,
I want to rip you right off and then
Show them I can live without your chains
Tell them I could find a better way.
I'll show you just to leave you in this grave I made.
You aren't my demon but I still want you slain.

I talk to these gods in times of trial and success
They **** me in times of swimming
But give me a melody to keep singing in my mind.
I've been skating on thin ice on waters filled with debt
Hoping I can hold my breath while this washes over.
I've been sober long enough
To see when people drink too much power
Dancing stupidly in the traffic of a nothing life
In charge of nothing, seeing the whole sea
From the mole hill they imagined.
Imagine that.

You're my song of the day, not metaphorically,
Literally the tune blasting through my ears as I write.
As the girl does yoga on TV
showing pictures aesthetically pleasing to my mind
Knowing work is right around the corner, here I'm fine
Mulling over the problems of the morning
Only to be forgotten with clock's ticking time.

I leave it all at the door in a futile escape
Once I cross that line, that is where they wait.
Don't be concerned all the fronts are fake
The real issues aren't spoken in anyone's public wake
Smiling like suns in children's artwork
Hung on a fridge, that will work in the world I live

Four lanes of traffic,
busy all day.
Everyone is running late,
no one is set to move.
Staring out the window,
breath fogging up the glass.
If you get lost in thought,
you'll never know the time that's passed.
Everyone has been stopped for a week
While a stray cat is crossing the street.

People leave their cars running hot
Needing food and supplies
Walking to a farmer's market lot.
We all have places to be,
We all have things we want to see.
Yet no one is getting angry.
Three hundred people watching
As a stray cat is crossing the street.

Nobody tries to move him,
We all just watch and gaze
It's so simple, we all just look amazed
Forget our lives and jobs for days
In the future, we all chose not to speak
About watching a stray cat crossing the street

I've been told,
you can't change the world overnight
And they're right.
But you can start.

The job is done now, see.
You let your mind start to race,
Where a clear conscious once stood,
Death sits calmly in its place.
You look in the mirror to see a bit clearer.
How did we get here so fast?
Retrace a memory from the past.

In a job you didn't like,
You took for your family, that's clear,
All the cards were laid just right,
I can hear that phone ringing from here.
Miss Fitch was coming in hot
So you came back screaming on that wire,
Took a job in shady dealings.
One phone call and you're fired.

Now you're home, act natural.
Smile at all those right places
It was a trigger you had to pull,
Inside an internal war, he faces
Just don't look back, that's the present trick
Or your own mind may make you sick.

An old diner to sit down,
Chuck's bodies are digging out the grave now
Who's got time to try to lie
When the boss had a niece
Until you blew her brains out from behind.
Quiet.
They don't know that, slow the roll back.
Take a breath and compose that,
"You don't know anything" face, show that.
Shake your head no, Sam.

Randall tells a lie to buy some time
But why?
Does it matter when evidence is climbing up
Like ladder to expose the truth.
If the bell tolls, Chuck, it's rung for you.
Keep that calm face for now,
Knowing you tied your own noose.

It's too late to turn back on anything,
It's too late to turn back on everything.

Nobody's want to take blame,
I've got a trigger finger itching to shoot
Spitting out a paper that says Bang!
Push down the weird kid,
Until he steadies himself and takes aim
Then we label the child insane
Maybe everyday he would get knocked down
The teachers all watch, the kids all watch
Nobody is making a sound.

Retaliate and they recalculate their attention
Get punched, nothing, punch back it's suspension.
Expulsion, they revolted. The other child,
He's been wild but his parents donate so he's got pull, kid.
It doesn't matter the matter, let ethics shatter
But dont be surprised when brains splatter.
And write a news story,
How could this happen?

Everyday they say, how could this happen?
Kids are brutal, resistance is futal
They march like militia to hit you
With just enough to hurt but not enough to snap
But once you lose sanity there is no going back.
Tragic.

Here splits the wings that flutter
Every situation butterflies,
Then I say I'm in control.
Ryan, hold the dice in your hand.
Ryan, let them go.
Do what the situation requires,
What if I just said no?
I'm just the backstage hand nobody knows.

They say I'm more than a paycheck,
But my only function is payment.
How much do you make?
How much is your worth?
The statements feel interchangable
Go back to work, don't dream in the wake.
Have a nice day, the smile is fake.

All the pretty things around me
Remind me, I'm nothing,
I don't want your attention
Just use my life as a lesson

When you start, everything is wide open,
Your actions are completely limitless.
Hold onto that feeling for a moment.
As soon as you move, direction is created,
These moves have purpose even at random
Structure begins to form around them.
Are you a king? Are you a pawn?
Look closely, are they really that different?

I'll tell you the difference, if you'd like.
A pawn can move one or two spaces ahead
Some may make it to the other side,
But a king, a king can turn back if he wanted
For when he dies, that's the end of the ride.
With a queen going every and anywhere
And a rook keeping straight in his sights.
Remember, your actions are limitless
So when you move, be sure to move right.

As the world would sleep,
This darkness starts to bleed
I only leave a light on
Just to see the shadows on the walls
And even as the moon was gone
I wondered if I was here at all.
Staying up through the night
Just to see the sun shine
While sitting on this rooftop all alone.

You can taste the cold air
Doing spins around your being
Speeding quick like it didn't belong there,
Ascending leaves to perform tricks
Then falling below because this
Was only the practice show
Only the wind and I would come to know.
In those still minutes, anything could exist
Then drift into the afterglow.

As the world would sleep,
In witching hours, where the wicked saw no rest.
For the others, slumber would always creep.
But me, I would dance until no energy was left
With my legs giving out to fall.
Looking back at a dancing shadow on the wall.

"Stop writing" says one-half of my mind
"Just quit it's a useless skill, just biding your time."
While the other half tells me to get back on my grind
Not using what you have is like the sighted walking blind
I'm the head case that got thrown into chaotic box
With a fox in socks, but I've got a lot of time on my hands
With all these rusty old clocks, just ask Mr. Knox.
He'd say I'm still off my rocker,
Been a poet since skeletons started stalking,
Been writing since the doors got so jammed, they stopped locking.

So judge me, we aren't seeing through the same eyes
On streets where eventually it all dies
I've been my own therapist, philosopher, psychologist.
All I've got is the skin on my back, I gave away my clothes
No one knows where this rabbit hole goes
I bring shame to even hatters being this mad
You'll need a lizard with a ladder to climb to the mindset I've had
Welcoming all into my Wonderland.

I'd grab the devil by the horns
Just to say I rode that bull
Never born legends, but molded to heroes
Life chisels  children to men in seconds
Beckoning demons, only time will tell your battle
With beetles in bottles or a half-million headed hydra
The sword is yours, own that fight, own the right
To go out into that good night

I murdered my mattress with a clean shot,
Left my dreams in a vacant lot
And told them reality would dig their plot.
The thoughts heighten, when I'm enlightened
Feeling like I'm close to fame
But even if everyone looked up to me
I would still hate myself all the same.
Forget the money, it does mean nothing.
I'd rather pour it down the drain.
I'm not winning if this life is a game.

I'm tired,
I'm tired of working a dead end position
I'm tired of phone calls that ring until I listen
A smile that while looks good on my face,
I feel eight hours a day, like a waste.
I'm bored, nothing arises,
The problems, nothing surprises.
Stuck here even as I write this.

At home, I wanted to be, the father my father wasn't to me
But how can I look any better
When all I was given were tattered genes.
To stand on a mountain and feel like a king
But it's raining outside,
The mountains are starting to sink.

A child robs from a store,
A thousand dollars
Some pieces of paper so plain,
Losing his future and little to gain,
A thousand dollars.
He goes to jail for pulling a gun
He goes to jail at 18 and his life is done.

The boy hardens into a man
Gets out of the cage, tries to do what he can
But they put him up on a stage.
"So tell me, son, you've got no skills.
You're 28 with a record to ****."
Every other candidate comes first,
One ***** up, now you're the worst.
You chose a fate before you knew your fate
They'll call you back so you sit and wait.
So you sit and wait.

Can't even be trusted to take out the trash
So you punch out the mirrors
Looking back at you, only seeing trash.
He's not thinking clearly,
Writes up a quick note and signs it sincerely.
Shaky hands tie a knot,
The only thing he saw as a blessing,
I wonder if the system taught him his lesson.

I remember slow nights
Sitting up on Daly Hill
Where the air always felt a bit colder
Across my skin leaving chills.
I would lay down looking up,
The stars would lay up looking down
No people, just all the nature
Stirring from the trees around.
Just a kid with a notebook,
Just a kid with a dream,
Waiting for life to enter the scene.

I wasn't looking for answers there,
I lacked the knowledge of questions to ask.
But life only leaves you wondering
When time has already past.
If I could paint it out as a picture,
I wouldn't and can't.
You just have to be there,
In a place where the world feels still
Looking over nothing, up on Daly Hill.

It's getting worse. Breath.
I don't want to speak. Breath.
They don't know and I can't say
My body is becoming weak. Breath.
It doesn't help to speak out,
No, keep calm, don't freak now.

In a second, my head goes light
In a minute, my insides go tight
Keep it chill like venom fangs
Don't run your brain into worst scenario
You're alright, you're going to be okay.
Swallow deep, throat walls inflamed.
Breathing but, barely though.
Get the steroids deployed.
Adrenaline gives time but doesn't destroy.

In case of emergency, call my contacts.
Where's my mom at? Benadryl 50 mgs on stat!
Heart racing, eyes dielating,
Mind orchestrating scenes of death waiting,
Body shaking, veins pulsating.
I'm alive ******. I made it.

Meet me at the usual spot
In the twilight we've lived
Down the alley where we plot
A million amazing nothing things
Given money for odd jobs around,
Paying money to catch a bus out of town.
They say he looks a lot like you,
They say he looks a lot like me.
If every world around us is a locked door
We could dream of having a key.
Until then, I knock once more.

It's the complex things that disappear without trace,
The simple ones that make memories,
Remember sea salt ice cream?
I don't think I can ever forget the taste
It seems like forever, as it plays in my mind,
The walls are thinner here, like they could melt
I'm the nobody, the heartless tell.

We play Struggle while adults struggle,
In that photo, smiling without troubles
Until day 359, he woke from the rubble.

Grab my hand for a minute,
I'm ready to rip you into my element.
You want to dance, here's a chance,
Sweep the bones from the floor
Skeletons galore, oh I'm sorry.
You don't want to be here anymore?
That's a shame I locked the door
Lit the fire at my very core.
Welcome to my mental house
Let's venture in a little more.

Look at the walls, they're crumbling
Look down the hall, more nothing.
My head is busting, imagination rusting,
Haven't been dusting, confidence mistrusting.
I tell myself that I can make it
But every part of my life, I fake it.
Stuck in work, passion unawakened.
Oh wait, it's this talk, let's inflate it:
"It's really great you still write, Ryan.
I truly mean it, I don't read it.
I'm glad you're still trying after a decade,
Still laying your soul for all to see,
You must really believe in that hobby
I'd have been stopping a long time ago
Anyway, that's great for you."
Thanks for the encouragement, ******* too.

Let's go to my bedroom where the day starts
I've spent most my time in this part
Too angry at the cards birth dealt
Every day I wake up seeing that hearse
Feeling cursed, suffocation hurts,
Couldn't swallow so I thirst.
Get the adrenaline pen again,
Inject, inject, keep it flowing,
Keep him going, blue skin showing,
No one knowing that mental tolling
Like the tides I just keep flowing.

I get a queer eye for trying to help,
Most get their rocks off for hurting someone else.
I'm a ***** up, so I recognize that pain
But I'm looking to help others from going insane.
I'm not narcissistic, more masochistic,
Self-sadistic, lost myself, where is it?
No one wants to stay and play
So I guess I'll just keep this house locked away.

I never thought I'd be one to be growing old
I've got a wife and a kid,
A younger me would have never known.
Instead I'm grieving some friends
Who never got the the chance to grow.
I use to think I could smell my grave,
Now I'm some backwards slave
Chained up in survivor's guilt
Like playing a lottery of life
Survive long enough to watch them die
Or die too quick to really live.

If I should cough and choke,
I hope they burn me off in colored smoke
Because even in dark, I hope they see light.
I made my mark in lead,
Through words slipping out of my head.
Like I had a choice?
They make me push that voice
And share it in the dead of night
Where the skeletons shuffle through
Then awaken myself into anew.

They won't know my name until I go,
Won't understand the words I'd sew.
Treated with kindness when gone,
Treated with scrutiny when alive,
It's like standing on a highdive
All silence until you crash,
Then it's all laughter and cheer.
But why don't we appreciate the day it's here?
I'm sure that answer will become clear.

Give me a mansion, fill it up with stuff
Give me the money, cash, and all the gold
Until my bank account looks like Mount Saint Helens about to erupt
Still sleeping on a bed with no other pulse
Stuck on society's twist of no monogamy
Cheating life plans, slicing souls like Light Yagami
You have to admit, that's a sick "American dream"
I'll just be here filling your bottles until you don't know where you've been
All these demons on a death note written, barely lived to be slain
If I wanted to live in your shoes I'd have wrote my own name

I fight real mental battles if I'm being honest
Too relatable of a relationship  to "Her Diamonds" by Rob Thomas
But you built me up to the man I am and I plan to stay that shining knight
Until the lights go off and we both take flight
All my energy, all my might, I burn creative bridges in a dark night
Until I write up a cure for the pain you, everyday, fight

I started chasing success to be best me I could be
they created a world where security is not free
Chain you to a machine, a desk, a job
Then take away your thoughts, see you've been robbed
I'm not anarchist, I just know the insecurity they feed
I'm standing up, saying what you already knew, you can be anything
If the you, staring at you, through a glass pane is not the same as you perceive
Crack the glass and give your all to that dream and believe

Somedays I wish I had the words
For what makes me feel the strongest things
But I'm afraid they don't exist.