It pains me to say that my ***** is only half an inch long.
It's extremely embarrassing because I have a tiny *******.
I never use urinals while out in public, I only use stalls.
I can not let other men know that my ***** is so small.

I got so mad at my ex-wife that I wanted to beat her.
She was going to tell my friends and co-workers about my tiny peter.
I said if she exposed me, I'd expose her baldness and that she wears a wig.
My ex-wife had our marriage annulled because my wiener isn't very big.

Women say that ***** size isn't important to them but it's more important than they admit.
A blind date started making fun of my tiny wiener so I started making fun of her tiny ****.
When it comes to being successful with women, I don't have a chance.
If you have a small ****, don't let anybody see it, keep it in your pants.

Noah and his family were the only people on Earth who were doing right.
So God caused a flood that killed everybody in 40 days and 40 nights.
All of the people on Earth were evil, it was a time that was dark.
Noah and his family were spared when God told them to build an ark.

God told Noah to take two of every animal so that all species would survive.
When the flood was over, Noah and his family were the only people who were alive.
It probably wasn't an easy decision when God decided to **** all of those women and men.
He gave us the rainbow which is a promise that he'll never do it again.

You're  only fifteen years old, you will not have ****** relations under my roof.
You think you can do what you want but you can't and I'll give you the proof.
If you have relations with your boyfriend in my house, I'll send him to jail.
You won't even be able to kiss your boyfriend when he's locked in a cell.
You say that because this is the twenty-first century, you demand ****** privacy.
I'll ground  you for a month if you don't shut up, you don't want to mess with me.
If you have relations with him under my roof, I'll call the cops.
If I catch the two of you having relations in my house, it's something I'll stop.

I have a wonderful neighbor and his name is Joe.
He's a person and a friend who I'm proud to know.
He's been my neighbor and my friend for twenty years.
I'm glad that he lives in this neighborhood, I'm glad he's here.
Sometimes he gives me food and that is very nice.
He is a Christian who loves God and that is precise.
It's nice to have a neighbor and a friend who is so great.
He has been good to me and that is something I appreciate.

When I'm at The Kingdom Hall, I do something to honor God.
I am a Christian who is proud to applaud.
I applaud God and you should too.
God loves me and he loves you.
When it comes time for us to give God our applause,
We should not hesitate to clap, we should not pause.
Jehovah God deserves applause because his only son died for our sins.
And Jesus's death will make it possible for us to see our loved ones again.

Certain people hate the Wii U, they call it a piece of crap.
But I like the game console and I think it got a *** rap.
It's no XBOX One or PS4 but it's not an abomination.
I believe it was good and that's not an exaggeration.
Yes, a few of its games do stink, especially Paper Mario: Color Splash.
When I played that game, I'd get so mad that I wanted to throw it in the trash.
Nintendo released the Switch after they axed the Wii U.
People hated the console and so it was discontinued.
I hated to see the Wii U fail, it has become another Dreamcast.
Certain people hated the Wii U and now it's a thing of the past.

Jesus would love to see many people in churches but now a days many don't even bother.
What Jesus has always wanted is to please his father.
Since Jesus was created, he has lived to serve The Lord.
He is wonderful and ruling God's Kingdom is his reward.
Jesus wants to please his father and that is what everybody should imitate.
If we strive to please The Lord, it will be something that he will appreciate.
An excellent way that we can please God is to avoid committing sins.
Think about the sinful things you've done and don't repeat them again.
Some times when we're troubled or burdened, we feel like we can't cope.
If we strive to please God, he will make us happy, he is our only hope.

Today would've been Arthenia's birthday if she hadn't died.
Last year, I lost my aunt and my uncle lost his bride.
Arthenia died in 2018 and she was born in 1955.
She'd be celebrating her birthday if she was alive.

Arthenia's life was saved when she had open heart surgery several years ago.
But if you're wondering if surgery could've saved her again, the answer is no.
Arthenia lost her life, sadly, it's true.
She left this world at the age of 62.

Papaw was born in 1910 on the first of May.
He died a quarter of a century ago today.
After living a long life, he died at the age of 87.
Almost ten years ago, Mom joined him in Heaven.
He had six kids but the youngest didn't survive.
He was my grandfather while he was alive.
On February the 7th of 1998, it was Papaw's time to die.
He was my grandpa and it was sad when I said goodbye.

Her name is Plum, she's six years old and she's a beauty queen.
But she and her mama are two of the dumbest people I've ever seen.
They are so dumb that they can't pronounce tornado.
Plum likes to eat her boogers and her mama is a ***.
Plum has a maybe daddy and his name is Boof.
He may not be her dad, they don't have any proof.
Plum's mama made her fight an alligator so she could get paid.
Plum won the fight by blowing up that alligator with a grenade.
This mother and daughter are a couple of hicks who are very silly.
Plum's mama is supposed to be a woman but I think she has a *****.
Plum's mama is an unfit mother and should be put under arrest.
Plum is the only six year old that I've ever seen who has *******.

Your son was injured and I'm as sorry as I can be.
But you had no right to **** a dog who wasn't guilty.
Your son was attacked and nearly killed by another Doberman.
You thought that it was my dog so you shot him with your gun.
But the guilty Doberman was caught two days ago and he was euthanized.
You killed an innocent dog and because of that, you ought to be chastised.
My dog wasn't just a pet, he was also my friend.
I cried as I buried him because it was the end.
If it wasn't for your son's predicament, I'd have you put in jail.
That's the only thing that's stopping me from having you locked in a cell.
If you shoot another innocent animal, I won't be so nice.
Before you shoot another animal, you'd better think twice.

I'm the human version of the Energizer Bunny.
People laugh at me but I don't think it's funny.
I put on this rabbit costume and the zipper broke.
I'm stuck in this rabbit costume and that is no joke.
I'm trapped in this costume that is pink.
I've been trapped for three years and I sure do stink.
When I ask people for food, they give me carrots.
I hate being a vegetarian, I can no longer bear it.
I must get out of this costume and I have a **** good reason.
Hunters have rifles and tomorrow is the start of rabbit season.
I'm sick and tired of being a laughing stock to humanity.
Please get me out of this costume before I lose my sanity.

When a person dies so young, I have to ask why.
I still miss you as each day passes by.
When my brother told me how sick you were, he told me face to face.
He didn't want to tell me over the telephone so he came to my place.
Until he told me the bad news, I didn't know just how ill that you were.
It was painful and heart breaking and your death was hard to endure.
You didn't die on the operating table even though the surgeon thought you would.
I was unhappy eight years ago today because I had to say goodbye to you for good.
Because of an aneurysm, my brother and I had to take you off of the respirator.
We did this to end your suffering and you died twenty-something hours later.
You said if you were ever on a respirator, you wanted to be taken off if you couldn't make it.
We did as you requested but your death was devastating and it was hard for me to take it.
You were living proof that a person doesn't need a big education to be smart.
Rest In Peace, Mom, you were a wonderful lady and you had a very big heart.

He's a deceased actor who still has plenty of fans, including me.
Dan Blocker died fifty years ago today at the age of forty-three.
He and his family moved to Switzerland because he was against the Vietnam War.
When he had gallbladder surgery, he didn't know that his death was what would be in store.
He commuted back and forth to the USA to star in Bonanza until his untimely death.
On May 13, 1972, a very talented actor passed away when he took his final breath.
He made Bonanza great but half a century ago, he was a man who the world lost.
Fifty years ago today, people had to say farewell to the man who starred as Hoss.
He was too young to die and when everybody lost Dan, it was a **** shame.
Bonanza ended just one season later because without Dan, it wasn't the same.
Dan's death caused his family, fans and the Bonanza cast members plenty of devastation.
It was half a century ago today when millions said goodbye and mourned in many nations.

It's with great sadness when I say that we won't see her anymore.
Lena died in March of 2020 and she was born in March of 1944.
She is survived by her husband who is my Uncle James.
Losing such a special person is sad and it's also a shame.

James Greene Junior and Sharon Redmond are her two children.
After living for seven and a half decades, she has gone to Heaven.
She died just twenty-four hours before her 76th birthday.
Her loved ones are heart broken because she passed away.

He was a British actor who died on the 20th of May.
He died in 1996, he died twenty-five years ago today.
He was an extremely talented actor and his name was Jon Pertwee.
It's hard to believe that he has been dead for a quarter of a century.
He starred as the third incarnation of the Doctor in "Doctor Who" half a century ago.
About one decade later, Pertwee starred in "Worzel Gummidge" as a dumb scarecrow.
A teacher told Jon that he'd never amount to anything as an actor but he was full of crap.
That teacher was so wrong and Pertwee should've given him a slap.
Pertwee died of a heart attack in his sleep while he was visiting the United States.
When people learned about his death, it was something that millions would hate.
Pertwee said that Worzel Gummidge was his favorite of the characters who he portrayed.
It's very sad to know that this brilliant actor has been deceased for two and a half decades.
He was in Connecticut when he passed away and his body was cremated.
When he left this earth in 1996, his friends, family and fans were devastated.

I had it made until my stupid wife ruined me.
I was rich until she went on a spending spree.
She spent it all before I even had the chance to stop her.
I had ten million bucks but because of her, I'm a pauper.
I was the richest man in my town but now I'm the most poor.
People are giving me funny looks because I'm buying clothes in a second hand store.
She forgot to insure the cars that she bought, even the Ferrari.
I only have ten dollars left and that jezebel isn't one bit sorry.
A tornado came last week and destroyed every vehicle that she bought.
If you're wondering if I think about strangling her, I think about it a lot.
She also spent a lot of my money on male strippers, ***** and grass.
Now she's going to need a proctologist to remove my foot from her ***.

It was hard for her husband and child to believe what she had done.
She ran off with a sugar daddy and abandoned her husband and son.
She did her husband wrong but I believe what she did to her son was worse.
She was a greedy woman who decided to put money first.
She was dumped by her sugar daddy and she asked her husband if he would take her back.
Her husband said No when she returned because intelligence is something he doesn't lack.
He told her that she left them once and he wouldn't give her a chance to do it again.
This woman loved money too much and ended up having to pay for her terrible sin.
She thought she could reconcile with her husband but she didn't succeed.
She abandoned her husband and son, stupidity is often caused by greed.

Gordon Ramsay decided to pay a visit to Mel's Diner.
When he criticized Mel's food, Mel gave him a shiner.
Now Mel wears an eyepatch because Ramsay jabbed him in the eye with a fork.
He hated Mel's beef and had to have his stomach pumped when he ate Mel's pork.
Ramsay didn't like the waitresses so he told Mel that they had to go.
After years of faithful service, Mel fired Alice, Vera and Flo.
Flo was so angry that she was chomping at the bit.
She told Mel and Gordon Ramsay to kiss her grits.
Ramsay finally had to give up on Mel because his food is so terrible.
Ramsay's job is to help restaurants but he can't perform miracles.

Four years ago was Mom's last Thanksgiving.
Just one year later, she was no longer living.
I wasn't as thankful for her as I should've been.
Back in 2012, I didn't know that she'd never be celebrating Thanksgiving again.
Four years ago was the last Thanksgiving that Mom celebrated.
Be thankful for your parents because they should be appreciated.

I used to look at naked pictures of women but that has come to an end.
I will no longer look at those kind of pictures because it is a sin.
If you look at naked pictures online or in magazines but want to stop, you can too.
It may be hard to stop but if you want to please the Lord, it's what you must do.
I now also please Jehovah by saying Grace and going to Church as well.
When it comes to living in Jehovah's Paradise, I'll be there, I will not fail.

Old Betsy is my shotgun and she's the reason why I don't keep my money in a bank.
When people try to steal my money, they learn that Old Betsy isn't filled with blanks.
People break into my house but they end up not leaving.
Because of Old Betsy, the **** thieves stop breathing.
The crooks think they're intelligent, they think they're pretty sharp.
But thanks to Old Betsy, a lot of them wind up playing harps.
A lot of people have tried to steal my money but they failed.
If you try to rob me, you'll get a taste of Old Betsy as well.

Agnes is an Applehead Chihuahua, that's her breed.
She is my canine who I show affection to and feed.
I recently learned that she's four years old, I thought she was a little older.
From time to time Agnes becomes hateful and I have to scold her.
But she's a beautiful dog who I think the world of.
For the rest of her life, she's an animal who I'll love.

I have a story to tell you that is a heart breaker.
It's about a great man who was named Kenny Baker.
When he starred in the Star Wars movies, he was inside of R2D2.
His fans shed tears and mourn because of what they're going through.

Kenny starred in two episodes of The Adventure Game,
And he also starred in The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
He also starred in other TV shows and movies during his career.
Everybody on the planet is sad because Kenny is no longer here.

Joseph and Mary tried to find shelter but they were unable.
Finally, an innkeeper gave them permission to use his stable.
Jesus was born in that stable and Mary put him in a manger.
An angel appeared to Joseph in a dream and told him that Jesus was in danger.
An evil king was sending people to **** the Son of God.
The king who did this was none other than King Herod.
Mary and Joseph took Baby Jesus away, they had to flee.
Jesus and his family wound up living in Nazareth of Galilee.
Because Jesus was perfect, he was a man who people could trust.
Jesus and his father love us so much that Jesus died for all of us.

How do you spell wonderful human being, it's spelled A-G-N-E-S.
My mom really was as wonderful as I claim, she was the greatest.
Everybody loved my mom because she cared.
When she got money, she donated to the homeless and The Oral Roberts Ministry, she shared.
When she died, the bond between us was severed.
But she's merely sleeping, she won't be gone forever.
When people are resurrected by Jesus, she will be the first person who I greet.
When you make her acquaintance, she'll be a person who you'll be happy to meet.

If you hadn't died, today you would've turned sixty-six.
Your death has proved that a broken heart isn't easy to fix.
On the day of your death, I knew that I would loathe the year 2013.
Your surname was Johnson but your maiden name was Greene.

You were born over six and a half decades ago in 1948.
Your demise would be something that we would all hate.
Many people prayed for you to recover but it did no good.
Why you died so young is a mystery that can't be understood.

Nobody wanted you to leave, we all wanted you to survive.
My life would have been so much better if you were still alive.
I love you more than anybody I've ever known.
Happy Birthday Mom, it's comforting to know that Heaven is your new home.

Jesus Christ was the greatest Jewish man who has been on the Earth.
The world became a far greater place on the day of his birth.
When Jesus was nailed to the cross, he died for people's sins.
He's in Heaven with his father now but we will see him again.
The Jewish people have been persecuted and that's a disgrace.
Jesus is wonderful and he'll be the savior of the Human Race.

When Bernie Sanders endorsed Hillary Clinton, he sold out.
He let his supporters down and he's two-faced, there's no doubt.
One day Bernie told his supporters that Hillary is unfit.
Four weeks later he vowed to help her get elected, he's a hypocrite.
A person is judged because of the things that he or she does.
Sanders is two-faced, he isn't the man who I thought he was.

Death can't bring about life but that wasn't so in Jesus's case.
When he died, it brought about immortality for the Human Race.
Because of Jesus's death, the dead will not perish, they will live forever.
People will be reunited with their dead loved ones, they will once again be together.
Jesus's death brings life to those who die and that is ironic.
When I think about what Jesus did for mankind, it's harmonic.

Old Betsy is my shotgun and she keeps most salesmen away.
But some come on my property but they sure as hell don't stay.
Old Betsy shoots the hats off of their heads and she shatters their windshields.
Because of Old Betsy, they drive away because they think that they'll be killed.
One man took off running and left his car behind.
I don't know who he was but now his car is mine.
One salesman thought that I'm a transvestite because he had heard rumors.
That **** ***** was trying to sell me a dress and a pair of women's bloomers.
I shot the cigar right out of that idiot's mouth.
He jumped in his car and started driving south.
They try to unload junk on me but because of Old Betsy, they fail.
If you ever come on my property, you'd better not be trying to sell.

Old Betsy is my shotgun and she's something that men end up dreading.
When my daughters get pregnant, Old Betsy is responsible for shotgun weddings.
When men impregnate my daughters, they try to run.
But Old Betsy stops them, she's one hell of a shotgun.
When one man tried to run, Old Betsy put holes in both of his **** cheeks.
He married my daughter and he couldn't sit down for about twelve weeks.
I give the men two choices, marry my daughters or be buried.
When I point Old Betsy at them, they choose to get married.
I make men do right by my daughters because I'm their Pa.
Because of Old Betsy's influence, I now have eight Sons-in-law.

Somebody abandoned a cat in my neighborhood.
They no longer wanted her so they got rid of her for good.
At first, she'd come on my property for a few hours and then she would leave.
She would do this every so often but now a new home is what she has received.
She has decided to stay here for good, I now own this cat that was once a stray.
Somebody didn't want to own her anymore so they decided to throw her away.
She has no name, I haven't decided what to name her yet.
But she's not a stray anymore and she will be a great pet.

If you hadn't died in March, you would've turned 65 today.
Life hasn't been as good since you passed away.
Everybody who knew you, knew that you were nice.
But I took things for granted and now I'm paying the price.
I thought you'd live for another ten to fifteen years.
It's been tough to accept that you're no longer here.
If you had survived, I was going to take care of you.
I didn't know what I had until I lost it and that is true.
When you celebrated your birthday last year, you were alive and well.
I didn't know how sick you would become, I was unable to tell.
Seeing you suffer during your last days made my heart break.
Even though you're dead, I still bought you a birthday cake.
I promised that I'd buy you a cake this year and I'm a man of my word.
God is much happier now because you're with him, believe me that's assured.

My neighbor's wife is battling cancer and she needs your prayers.
Please show her that you want her to get better, please show that you care.
Her name is Jane Webb and she's undergoing chemotherapy.
She needs prayers from you and she needs prayers from me.

For one month, I've been smoke free.
31 days ago, I put smoking behind me.
God and the nicotine patches have helped me to quit and I'm grateful.
And without those patches, the nicotine withdrawal would've made me become hateful.
But I'm no longer using the patches and I think I have the problem licked.
I've been smoke free for a month and I think that I'm no longer an addict.
Let me tell other smokers something that's true.
I was able to kick the habit and so can you.

Your son was a lowlife hooligan.
Last year he murdered my son.
When it came to having the ability to show mercy, your son sure did lack it.
He shot my son right between the eyes because of his expensive jacket.
My boy gave him the jacket but he killed him anyway.
When I identified my son's body, your son had to pay.
Your son wanted to prove to his gang members that he was big and bad.
He shot my son in cold blood and returning the favor made me feel glad.
Your son was arrested but a bleeding heart judge let him out on bail.
A few hours later your son became the victim of a 44 Magnum shell.
I killed him the exact same way that he killed my son, a bullet right between the eyes.
I didn't realize that a man could get so much pleasure by seeing another person die.
It was an eye for an eye, I pulled my gun on him and it felt so good to shoot.
But your son's death isn't good enough for me, I hope he fries in Hell to boot.

Jim Nabors always said "Shazam", that was his catchphrase.
Because of his contribution to television, he deserves praise.
It was hard for him to watch the opening credits of Gomer Pyle because many of those Marines died in Vietnam.
We always know that he's on Gomer Pyle or the Andy Griffith Show when we hear him say "Shazam".
We also remember him yelling "Citizen's Arrest".
All of his fans are sad and they're also depressed.
He also starred in some movies, two of which were Cannonball Run 2 and Stroker Ace.
His friends, fans and family have to say goodbye, his death is hard for them to face.

You're mad because I told your husband the truth.
You cheated on him and I showed him the proof.
Instead of being angry, you should be ashamed.
You cheated and you only have yourself to blame.

You tried to convince your hubby that my proof was misleading.
But he could see the truth and he started divorce proceedings.
Because you were unfaithful, the judge didn't give you squat.
The clothes on your back were the only things that you got.

Your good life is gone and that's something you regret.
You once drove a Porsche but now you drive a Chevette.
Because of your infidelity, you were tossed out into the street.
If you ever find another rich man, you'd better not cheat.

Non-religious people don't believe it even though it happens to be the truth.
When people are resurrected, it will be like finding the fountain of youth.
When we live in the Paradise, nobody will ever grow old.
We won't contract diseases, not even the common cold.
When we're living in the Paradise, we will be happy and never depressed.
The Lord will let us live forever and that means that we'll be truly blessed.
After trillions of years pass, we will have no wrinkles and no gray hairs.
When it comes to living in the Paradise, I hope that I see you there.

I committed ****** and I have bad news.
Columbo is on the case and that means I'll lose.
Columbo always catches people when ****** is the crime.
He always uses his skill as a detective but not this time.
I just went inside the Police Station and confessed that I'm guilty.
Columbo is hopping mad because he won't be able to catch me.
This cigar smoking cop is so mad that he's starting to shout.
A ****** was committed and he didn't get to figure it out.

Let me tell you about the best year of the 20th Century, a year that was great.
It was the year when my mom was born and that year was 1948.
That was the greatest year of the 20th Century, that's how I feel.
1948 was great but 2013 ****** because of a terrible ordeal.
2013 was a terrible year because that was when Mom died.
After she perished in the hospital, I came home and cried.
Please listen to this advice, don't ever take your mom for granted, she's somebody who you should always appreciate.
If I live to be a hundred, I will not change my opinion, I believe that the greatest year of the 20th Century was 1948.

I became a customer when I went to a computer store that's called "Mouse's Pad".
When I learned that the man in charge died of cancer, it was very sad.
He repaired and sold computers and Earnest Owens was his name.
He left this world on July the 29th of 2021 and it's a **** shame.
Earnest was intelligent and honest and he was also nice.
When he fixed or sold a computer, he charged a fair price.
I felt bad when I learned that Earnest died.
He couldn't beat cancer even though he tried.
Now he's in a much better place and I'm very sorry to lose my friend.
It's sad to know that when I go to his shop, I will never see him again.

During your life, you had three wives and three children.
It's sad because your family is feeling so much pain within.
A long time ago you served in the United States Army Airforces.
It's also sad because a couple of your marriages ended in divorces.
Besides being an actor, you were also an acting coach, College Professor, a musician and an artist.
You guest-starred nearly three hundred times in numerous Television shows and you will be missed.

The Kmart has closed that was located in Morristown, Tennessee.
That's one less place where people can shop and that includes me.
This particular Kmart was built in 1974.
After being in business for 43 years, they closed their doors.
They were in business for over four decades, that's a long time to be around.
This makes five department stores in Morristown that have been shut down.
I had shopped at Kmart since I was a child but I can't shop there anymore.
It's a shame that they had to call it quits, it's sad that they closed their store.

When my friend and I finally got chicks, they decided to leave us.
My friend's name is ****-Head and my name is Beavis.
I thought that I was pregnant even though I'm a boy.
Because ****-head and I are stupid, people get annoyed.

I become the Great Cornholio when I eat too much sugar.
I'm actually a mental case who eats his own boogers.
When ****-Head and I meet chicks, we're sure to sexually harass.
And if you have a teenage daughter, you'll end up kicking my ***.

If you meet us face to face, we're sure to cause great anxiety.
We are both juvenile delinquents who are threats to society.
Don't come near us or you'll get so mad that you'll cuss.
You will be happy and better off if you stay away from us.

The sadness that we are feeling is too painful to ignore.
People are very sad because of the death of Roger Moore.
He starred as James Bond seven times from 1973 to 1985.
All of his fans are mourning because he's no longer alive.
He became an actor who many people would admire.
In 1991, he starred in Bed & Breakfast with Talia Shire.
When he became an actor, he chose a career that would soar.
Sadly, millions are saying goodbye to the talented Roger Moore.

People call him a coward because he won't use his fists.
But he's not a coward at all, he's a pacifist.
When he refuses to fight, many say it makes no sense.
But he doesn't believe in fisticuffs, he's against violence.
Because he won't fight back, a man picked on him and knocked him down.
He refused to fight that man even though he was knocked to the ground.
You can call him a coward if you want but it's not true.
He will not fight people and that is a smart thing to do.
People call him a wimp, they say because he won't fight, it's a disgrace.
But if there were more men like him, the world would be a better place.

God always listens when you pray.
He hears every word that you say.
Your prayers and faith are important to him.
He won't let you down even if things are grim.
Some times good people feel like losers but in God's eyes, they are winners.
If bad people change their ways, God will forgive them even though they were big sinners.
If you ever think that God doesn't listen to your prayers, please remember that isn't true.
God always listens and he wants to be a part of your life every day because he loves you.

Frankenstein was only a monster because that's what people made him out to be.
He was actually a kind and gentle soul but that was what everybody refused to see.
Frankenstein only became violent when the angry villagers decided to attack.
They came at him with torches, axes and pitchforks and he had to fight back.
After he killed in self defense, the villagers burned him to death, it was a horrible fate.
People's prejudice made them attack and Frankenstein died because of fear and hate.
When the villagers killed him, it was a terrible incident.
They feared Frankenstein because he was different.
Those people let hate and fear blind them, they thought that killing him would put their minds at ease.
But they soon learned that they were the monsters because of prejudice which is a horrible disease.