Mahalea Isis

Mahalea Isis Sep 2014

I'm a ******* handful,
I told him when he met me.
I told him that it's important that he'll never ever sweat me.
He forced me to open up and then went on and read me,
And now he's upset because he seems to regret me?

I warned you, I'd tear you apart like a gazelle and I'm the lion.
Do you not remember conversations that resulted in me crying?
Do you not remember arguments because I kept on ******* lying?
I was ******* terrified yet you still bothered trying.

See, you thought you were the fix it man,
I intigued you 'cause I'm broken.
So you did your best to put me back together - softly spoken,
All the joking, ***** choking, you tried to make me open
Which just made me close up more, with your shoulder always soaking.

In the past, they didnt throw rocks - *they threw boulders.
I trusted so much that it has made me grow colder
'Cause I refuse to be mistreated, manipulated, and abused.
Your optimism shows me we see the world in different hues.

You think that I am perfect and I wish I could say the same,
I wish that I could be confident and proud once again,
I wish that I could love you and I was actually sane,
I wish that in my past I wasn't treated like a game.

I wish that I could appreciate everything you've done.
As I been healing, you've been breaking and hiding it all up.
I never meant to drag you to the hell I lived in before,
And I can't see the light in your eyes anymore...

I'm hurting to my core,
My hands ******, feet sore.
Wanting to redo everything that happened before.

I'm a ******* handful,
I told him when he met me.
I don't deserve to love him **even if he ever let me.

This is basically the classic story of a nice guy who meets a girl who used to have a good heart but was mistreated by so many guys that she becomes a cold *****. This nice guy tries to repair her broken heart and turn her back into the nice girl that she was, and succeeds but in the meantime ends up becoming an ******* from all the mistreatment she gave him. They reverse roles and now the girl sees how horrible she really was to him and regrets it but it's too late. Now she wishes he would have never even met her so he could've kept his good heart for someone who actually deserved to have it, and not have wasted it on her or that she could've accepted his love and not have took him for granted. I wrote this out of the blue and I have no idea how the idea even popped into my head but it's become one of my favorite poems that I've written.

#love #heartbreak #broken #sad #depression #life #lost #hurt #thoughts #rhyme

May 2014

Vladislav Vagner

Mission 93

I am writing this just to keep sane
Stop switching lanes and deal with the pain
I’m going to stay same and never give in to shame
I don’t see this as a game, what I’m saying is real
That’s why you feel every line that I spill
Every emotion comes from the notion
That we are the panacea for the poison
Explosion of our hearts started with the sparks
That ignited our greed amidst the dark
So now we find ourselves led by the misled
Bred like a hoard of cattle waiting to be shred
We focus on materials and ignore the cries
‘Cause it’s easier to watch from an iPad, as a baby dies
We work, struggle, and beg for a promotion
Instead of pouring our hearts into a positive devotion
Every person fueled by their own ambition
And integrity is at loss on our way to this mission

By Vladislav Vagner
http://www.poemjunction.net

#poetry #dark #ink #reflection #spilled

Mahalea Isis May 2014

Grey Emotions

Sometimes I have to cry.
Not because I'm sad.
Not because I'm happy.
But because I live in a shaded grey.
Always in between and never touching the end of each extent.
And when I think of you,
I cry.
Maybe I cry because I'm not with you at the time.
Maybe I cry because I miss you.
Maybe I cry tears of relief,
Thanking this universe for giving me love like this.
Because I've been neglected.
And torn apart like paper.
Maybe I cry in fear of losing you.
Maybe I cry in fear of having you.
Maybe I cry to relieve my anxiety.
My anxiety from an unknown cause.
I never know why I cry.
Maybe I never will.
But maybe,
Sometimes I have to cry.
Just because my twisted mind enjoys the feeling of these sheer tears that are filled with so many emotions as they're strolling down my face.
These mixed, jumbled emotions I can't sort out.
Some people say that black and white is all they know,
But I never knew black and I've never known white.
But grey...
Grey has walked beside me for years
Letting me taste each extreme,
As if that ever benefitted me.
And I,
I always stay in this area of grey.
It's the only place comfortable for me -
Someone who has felt both sides of two opposite ends.
Cause if it would let me leave, it knows I'd remain here.
Not because I'm sad.
Not because I'm happy.
But because it understands
That sometimes I have to cry.
And I'll never have to give a reason,
Because I live in a foreign place of unmade up minds and mistakes.
This place I like to call grey.
Which has gave me a home to store my imperfections.

Ever felt a little bit of everything? Like you're happy, sad, mad but calm all at once.
In between and in the middle like grey is with black and white.
Grey is my favorite metaphor for this feeling. Cause I want to cry but have no idea why.
Everything's good and okay.
Just feeling grey.

#love #suicide #cutting #metaphor #truth #sad #hate #confused #depressed #tears

Mahalea Isis May 2014

Need You

You've made me reconsider everything I thought
And change all the conclusions that I've ever been brought
You made me stare in adoration from the way you talk
To the way you have confidence and swagger in your walk

And when you dance, I see eyes filled with passion and drive
And from the audience, it looks like you become more alive
I see happiness, as if it's really the only time
You can feel such emotion and I understand why

You seem to fascinate me and I seem to admire you
Cause I love to know things like your past and what inspires you
How you hold yourself, your humor type, and I desire you
And I can't tell you why cause usually I enjoy solitude

But I'm so drawn to you, I think of you all the time
I wanna be snuggled in your arms, your lips pressed against mine
Cause with everybody else I'll just say oh yeah I'm fine
But I actually can mean it when I'm with you and I won't lie

I feel endless smiles and countless butterflies
And I can't take the stare you give me from your ****** eyes
So I look down, and fidget & become sorta shy
When it's all realization I finally got a great guy

For months it's been strange cause I haven't just cried
Cause we're fighting over nonsense or cause somebody lied
Or your ignoring me, cheating, beating, not treating me right
Im not used to this but it's all been relieving and nice

I gaze at you and I wonder if sometimes you catch me
Cause I'd stare all day if I could and if you'd let me
My love for you is strong and becoming very heavy
I rarely get the chance to meet people who don't regret me

You're what makes me happy
And wake up in the morning
Go to school, see you
And I see now what is forming

I'm just so in love and I would never ever leave you
Cause I don't just want you anymore, I'm beginning to need you...

Wrote this about my boyfriend last night.
I can't stop falling more and more in love.

#love #broken #life #dance #passion #future #boyfriend #lust #content #happiness #hurt #past #relationship #art #crush #iloveyou #lover #romantic #*** #girlfriend #marriage #brokenheart #couple #inlove #lovely #truelove #damaged #amor #ineedyou #iwantyou #makinglove #sentimental #meaningful #heartfelt #teamo #detailed

Mahalea Isis May 2014

Rainbow Girl

She was painted so beautifully.

With little specks of crimson like the fire that burned in her heart.

Dots of pumpkin and persimmon dancing on that one patch of hair she never died back.

Drips of amber and daffodil seemed to glow around her body as she wished to feel happy again.

And a shaded emerald painted like bars which contained her jealousy because all she wanted was to be perfect.

Swirls of cerulean and teal like the tears that dripped off of her face.

And the violet dashes were her moments of tranquility where her hands created magic out of papers and pen and her mind was finally put to peace.

The magenta smeared across her lips, making her feel a tad bit prettier.

Dabs of maroon like the blood that was shed,

When she used the silver blade to pierce her golden bronze skin.

She was a colorful girl behind the grey mask she hid under,

All to avoid the threats she received in black and white.

This was a quick poem I wrote a couple weeks ago and I was just feeling really bipolar, it's like I felt every emotion in a matter of 10 minutes. So I wrote this, since
I was feeling a lit bit of... well, everything.

#cutting #short #metaphor #sad #depression #girl #sadness #depressed #tears #anxiety #teen #crying #green #blue #black #white #red #purple #jealousy #colors #selfharm #cut #yellow #metaphors #bipolar #rainbow #grey #envy #emotional #pink #silver #shortpoem #selfhate #orange #sensitive #bronze #teengirl #maroon

May 2014

Fel

Untitled

I like it when you're tired
And when your thoughts and words go
Go go go
And never stop.
They're unfiltered
So I see the true you
All your crazy thoughts
Your weird plans
We should invent an artificial sun
that runs on solar power!
And we act foolish
Completely immature and playful
And I get to see your crinkly-eyed smile
And hear your hushed giggles
Whenever you laugh at the silliest things
And it's truly beautiful

Last night was a great night.

#love #beautiful #you #tired #laughter

Mahalea Isis May 2014

Ugly

Fighting back tears, it pains me to hear
The word that always lingers throughout my thoughts
The word that makes me cringe in sadness
The reason I don't wear dresses that are strapless
The reason I could never be an actress

My confidence is lacking, the word is attacking and hijacking
My mental and suddenly I'm adapting
To the rage burning in my heart like everlasting matches
It burns me to say it, but I say it all the time
To remind myself of why I will always have to lie
Cause when people ask me questions, I always say I'm fine
Even though I want to lie in the puddle where I cried
And drown myself slowly, but not necessarily die
Just come back alive, more beautiful this time

Pressured by society and everybody by me
That being pretty is the goal cause in the real world no one will lie to me
Nowadays a girls dream is to be able to drop jaws
Be admired and complimented and leave people staring in awe
Be stunning, not even perfect, but have minimal flaws
Why do insults flow easily and no one thinks it's wrong?

Ugly
The word unflattering itself
And us as insecure, are disgusted with ourselves
And sometimes we break down in the mirror yelling for help
Cause who is truly happy when they wish to be someone else?

Ugly
Scars lacing our bodies
Speaking loud enough when our thoughts get a bit foggy
People stare at these memories and tell us we're crazy
It decorates the pain like a poisonous pastry

Ugly
Why is it that we constantly hear
This word that some might consider their biggest fear
It's embarrassing, degrading, it weakens us deeply
I wear all black and walk through the hallways discreetly
I want no one to notice who I am anymore
I have locked my true self behind bars and steel doors
Cause I have a secret wish that one day maybe I could be adored
But my reflection isn't the reason that I am so destroyed

It's ugly
That word has broken me down
That I cry anytime there isn't anyone around
And it's amazing to see how many people are self conscious
Over this word which in itself is monstrous and obnoxious
Nowadays I wonder if anyone has a conscience
Cause if they did, why would they continuously spread all this nonsense?
You can't brush it off like its stupid and it isn't constant
And like it doesn't turn people from confident to rotten

Ugly
One day hopefully, I'll break out of this mindset
Cause it's kept me from doing things which I now seem to regret
It's kept me from happiness and the feeling of tranquility
And dragged me to the hell where lies depression and hostility
And now I long for a day where it will all happen so suddenly
I will look at my reflection and will say

"I'm not ugly."

Wrote this a couple weeks ago and sadly I'm still struggling with my insecure and confidence issues, as I have been for years. It's difficult always being self conscious but I don't know how to change. It's a constant battle within in myself. But oh well.

#suicide #cutting #depression #regret #hate #***** #sadness #depressed #anxiety #stupid