Mahalea Isis: Poems

Mahalea Isis May 2014

Sometimes I have to cry.
Not because I'm sad.
Not because I'm happy.
But because I live in a shaded grey.
Always in between and never touching the end of each extent.
And when I think of you,
I cry.
Maybe I cry because I'm not with you at the time.
Maybe I cry because I miss you.
Maybe I cry tears of relief,
Thanking this universe for giving me love like this.
Because I've been neglected.
And torn apart like paper.
Maybe I cry in fear of losing you.
Maybe I cry in fear of having you.
Maybe I cry to relieve my anxiety.
My anxiety from an unknown cause.
I never know why I cry.
Maybe I never will.
But maybe,
Sometimes I have to cry.
Just because my twisted mind enjoys the feeling of these sheer tears that are filled with so many emotions as they're strolling down my face.
These mixed, jumbled emotions I can't sort out.
Some people say that black and white is all they know,
But I never knew black and I've never known white.
But grey...
Grey has walked beside me for years
Letting me taste each extreme,
As if that ever benefitted me.
And I,
I always stay in this area of grey.
It's the only place comfortable for me -
Someone who has felt both sides of two opposite ends.
Cause if it would let me leave, it knows I'd remain here.
Not because I'm sad.
Not because I'm happy.
But because it understands
That sometimes I have to cry.
And I'll never have to give a reason,
Because I live in a foreign place of unmade up minds and mistakes.
This place I like to call grey.
Which has gave me a home to store my imperfections.

Ever felt a little bit of everything? Like you're happy, sad, mad but calm all at once.
In between and in the middle like grey is with black and white.
Grey is my favorite metaphor for this feeling. Cause I want to cry but have no idea why.
Everything's good and okay.
Just feeling grey.

#love #suicide #cutting #metaphor #truth #sad #hate #confused #depressed #tears

He Makes Me Feel Beautiful

Mahalea Isis May 2014

He Makes Me Feel Beautiful

He makes me feel beautiful
Which I have never felt before
I've always had my doubts and could never be too sure
Cause they told me I was ugly
They told me I was fat
They joked about me and never had regrets

And I sat there and I laughed it off but it hurt me inside
So bad that I got off the bus and ran straight to my room to cry
And I got on my knees and prayed at my window and asked the lord
"Why is this happening to me?" and it started when I was four
And yes, I still remember that far back
Cause being bullied is it's own feeling of being jumped or attacked

And *he makes me feel beautiful
Cause he looks me in my eyes and tells me that I am and I can tell it's not a lie...
Because instead of posting pictures I have edited and cropped
And having boys tell me I'm pretty through messages in my inbox...

He makes me feel beautiful
Cause he means what he says
And a few other people have told me I am cute but I thought they were just kidding
Cause I have programmed myself to thinking my beauty is forbidden
Which means that I could never be a girl that is praised
For her good looks, her perfect body, and her Aphrodite face.

He makes me feel beautiful
Cause even though I have flaws
He accepts them and makes me feel like I have none at all
So maybe I am pretty and I am starting to think better
Of myself instead of looking in the mirror with a look so bitter

He makes me feel beautiful
And when he tells me so with such a serious voice, I get chills
Cause he's the first person that hasn't made me feel completely ill
By insulting or pointing out one of my many imperfections
But instead trying to help get rid if that negative venom
That people have slowly injected into my mind
Making my optimism die slowly over time
Making me get violent and defensive and making me less kind
To the point I get a rush to commit a deadly crime

Then they say I'm crazy and continue with the names
It's a cycle, a stupid circle, a horrible made up game
That has expanded to the point where death is how you win
And I would of won this game if it wasn't for my kin

He makes me feel beautiful outside and in
So I wrote this in dedication to that special him
For helping me realize more than ever in my life
That maybe I am beautiful and I've been this way for a very long time...

Inspired by my ex-boyfriend and was written while we were together. A very personal and deep poem to me about how he made me actually feel perfect for the first time in my life.

Need You

Mahalea Isis May 2014

Need You

You've made me reconsider everything I thought
And change all the conclusions that I've ever been brought
You made me stare in adoration from the way you talk
To the way you have confidence and swagger in your walk

And when you dance, I see eyes filled with passion and drive
And from the audience, it looks like you become more alive
I see happiness, as if it's really the only time
You can feel such emotion and I understand why

You seem to fascinate me and I seem to admire you
Cause I love to know things like your past and what inspires you
How you hold yourself, your humor type, and I desire you
And I can't tell you why cause usually I enjoy solitude

But I'm so drawn to you, I think of you all the time
I wanna be snuggled in your arms, your lips pressed against mine
Cause with everybody else I'll just say oh yeah I'm fine
But I actually can mean it when I'm with you and I won't lie

I feel endless smiles and countless butterflies
And I can't take the stare you give me from your ****** eyes
So I look down, and fidget & become sorta shy
When it's all realization I finally got a great guy

For months it's been strange cause I haven't just cried
Cause we're fighting over nonsense or cause somebody lied
Or your ignoring me, cheating, beating, not treating me right
Im not used to this but it's all been relieving and nice

I gaze at you and I wonder if sometimes you catch me
Cause I'd stare all day if I could and if you'd let me
My love for you is strong and becoming very heavy
I rarely get the chance to meet people who don't regret me

You're what makes me happy
And wake up in the morning
Go to school, see you
And I see now what is forming

I'm just so in love and I would never ever leave you
Cause I don't just want you anymore, I'm beginning to need you...

Wrote this about my boyfriend last night.
I can't stop falling more and more in love.

#love #broken #life #dance #passion #future #boyfriend #lust #content #happiness #hurt #past #relationship #art #crush #iloveyou #lover #romantic #*** #girlfriend #marriage #brokenheart #couple #inlove #lovely #truelove #damaged #amor #ineedyou #iwantyou #makinglove #sentimental #meaningful #heartfelt #teamo #detailed

Patterns of the Broken

Mahalea Isis Sep 2014

Patterns of the Broken

I'm a ******* handful,
I told him when he met me.
I told him that it's important that he'll never ever sweat me.
He forced me to open up and then went on and read me,
And now he's upset because he seems to regret me?

I warned you, I'd tear you apart like a gazelle and I'm the lion.
Do you not remember conversations that resulted in me crying?
Do you not remember arguments because I kept on ******* lying?
I was ******* terrified yet you still bothered trying.

See, you thought you were the fix it man,
I intigued you 'cause I'm broken.
So you did your best to put me back together - softly spoken,
All the joking, ***** choking, you tried to make me open
Which just made me close up more, with your shoulder always soaking.

In the past, they didnt throw rocks - *they threw boulders.
I trusted so much that it has made me grow colder
'Cause I refuse to be mistreated, manipulated, and abused.
Your optimism shows me we see the world in different hues.

You think that I am perfect and I wish I could say the same,
I wish that I could be confident and proud once again,
I wish that I could love you and I was actually sane,
I wish that in my past I wasn't treated like a game.

I wish that I could appreciate everything you've done.
As I been healing, you've been breaking and hiding it all up.
I never meant to drag you to the hell I lived in before,
And I can't see the light in your eyes anymore...

I'm hurting to my core,
My hands ******, feet sore.
Wanting to redo everything that happened before.

I'm a ******* handful,
I told him when he met me.
I don't deserve to love him **even if he ever let me.

This is basically the classic story of a nice guy who meets a girl who used to have a good heart but was mistreated by so many guys that she becomes a cold *****. This nice guy tries to repair her broken heart and turn her back into the nice girl that she was, and succeeds but in the meantime ends up becoming an ******* from all the mistreatment she gave him. They reverse roles and now the girl sees how horrible she really was to him and regrets it but it's too late. Now she wishes he would have never even met her so he could've kept his good heart for someone who actually deserved to have it, and not have wasted it on her or that she could've accepted his love and not have took him for granted. I wrote this out of the blue and I have no idea how the idea even popped into my head but it's become one of my favorite poems that I've written.

#love #heartbreak #broken #sad #depression #life #lost #hurt #thoughts #rhyme

Rainbow Girl

Mahalea Isis May 2014

Rainbow Girl

She was painted so beautifully.

With little specks of crimson like the fire that burned in her heart.

Dots of pumpkin and persimmon dancing on that one patch of hair she never died back.

Drips of amber and daffodil seemed to glow around her body as she wished to feel happy again.

And a shaded emerald painted like bars which contained her jealousy because all she wanted was to be perfect.

Swirls of cerulean and teal like the tears that dripped off of her face.

And the violet dashes were her moments of tranquility where her hands created magic out of papers and pen and her mind was finally put to peace.

The magenta smeared across her lips, making her feel a tad bit prettier.

Dabs of maroon like the blood that was shed,

When she used the silver blade to pierce her golden bronze skin.

She was a colorful girl behind the grey mask she hid under,

All to avoid the threats she received in black and white.

This was a quick poem I wrote a couple weeks ago and I was just feeling really bipolar, it's like I felt every emotion in a matter of 10 minutes. So I wrote this, since
I was feeling a lit bit of... well, everything.

#cutting #short #metaphor #sad #depression #girl #sadness #depressed #tears #anxiety #teen #crying #green #blue #black #white #red #purple #jealousy #colors #selfharm #cut #yellow #metaphors #bipolar #rainbow #grey #envy #emotional #pink #silver #shortpoem #selfhate #orange #sensitive #bronze #teengirl #maroon

Suicidal Rain

Mahalea Isis May 2014

Suicidal Rain

Suicidal Rain
Can you feel the pain?
It pours over me as it burns my skin
There is no kin
There is no friends
There is no end
But to put an end to you
Mom said it’s the end for him who is committing
But this is only a start for the committee

A journey to sadness
Tears fill you up
You cry and you have everything running through your mind

But you just put that gun up to your head
Put that knife up to your skin
Put that rope up to your neck
Put that pill bottle to your lips
Put your feet on that ledge and you don’t even think

Actions speak louder than words
When you can no longer speak
Suicide is a coward’s way out they said
Or maybe a paradise for the weak
Cause life picks you up and knocks you down
But sometimes so hard you want to stay on that ground
And don’t make a sound
So no one turns around
Cause you don’t want help
You just want a way out

So there comes the night
And you do what you believe is right
And you black out
No more thoughts,
No more sights,
No more sighs,
No more fright
No more light
No more any of that
You don’t have to try

While family sits by the casket and cries
"Why oh why?"
"What could we have done!"
Young life is supposed to be filled with fun

Fame comes with heartache, hurt, and drama
But once you leave the hurt is all on ya dad and momma
Or whoever you love
And they wonder is he down below or up above
You pray to God “Forgive me for this is the last of my sinning”
But with doing all this are you losing or winning?
You got out of a life that caused you sadness
But left people with unheard cries and madness

Cause sometimes it’s better to let things go
Because those hints you gave just didn’t show
Not until the action was finished
And every single piece of life was already diminished

So from all of this, what did we gain
From the horrible thoughts that you brought to life and attained
And from the messages you put out there, we thought you were playing
And not in the process of another life just slowly decaying

And people send their condolences and say it’s a shame
It’s more than shame, it’s a sequence to the chain
And now the only wish is for life to be the same
But how could it be when you’ve already felt that suicidal rain?

Wrote this about one of my favorite YouTubers who committed suicide last year. I also incorporated my own feelings that I had when I thought about suicide into this poem.

Tell Me About The Love

Mahalea Isis May 2014

Tell Me About The Love

I want you to be comfortable with me
To feel free in my presence
To spit what comes to mind
And not think about the sentence
And just tell me how you feel
Cause you're not made of steel
And if you were hurt before
I can help you heal

But you're not listening to me
You're barely hearing what I'm saying
Cause you're being shy and timid
And I'm the one who's paying
For whatever you don't tell me
Cause I know it had to hurt you
But you play the strong guy and I admire your virtue

I wanna hear whats in you're mind
And taste the lips of your soul
Touch the hands of your past
And smell success in ya future goals
I need to see you show me that maybe I am trusted
Cause if you don't trust me it's fine
Maybe you ain't love and just lusted

But tell me
Tell me how your emotions are acting
Cause I see through ya smile
Inside I know you're cracking
Tell me
You not letting me walk with you through the hands of time
And sharing with me the evilness that's lurking in ya mind

I wanna be able to look at you and be on the same level
Cause if we're both going to hell, we're both meeting the same devil
I ain't here to judge you
And I won't hate you for before
I understand you might be hurting
Cause I have my own sores

So I can be your friend
I can be your help
I can be support
With everything you've dealt
I can be a savior
I can be a shrink
I can be ya motivation
If you want to sink

I can be ya trust
But do you even know what trust is?
Cause I'm trying to show you how
I've learned what true love is
Therefore
Tell me about the love
Tell me about the hate
Cause you accepting yourself
That's what makes a person great.

Wrote this also while with my ex. He wasn't very good at communicating and had trust issues and all I wanted him to do was open up to me.

Ugly

Mahalea Isis May 2014

Ugly

Fighting back tears, it pains me to hear
The word that always lingers throughout my thoughts
The word that makes me cringe in sadness
The reason I don't wear dresses that are strapless
The reason I could never be an actress

My confidence is lacking, the word is attacking and hijacking
My mental and suddenly I'm adapting
To the rage burning in my heart like everlasting matches
It burns me to say it, but I say it all the time
To remind myself of why I will always have to lie
Cause when people ask me questions, I always say I'm fine
Even though I want to lie in the puddle where I cried
And drown myself slowly, but not necessarily die
Just come back alive, more beautiful this time

Pressured by society and everybody by me
That being pretty is the goal cause in the real world no one will lie to me
Nowadays a girls dream is to be able to drop jaws
Be admired and complimented and leave people staring in awe
Be stunning, not even perfect, but have minimal flaws
Why do insults flow easily and no one thinks it's wrong?

Ugly
The word unflattering itself
And us as insecure, are disgusted with ourselves
And sometimes we break down in the mirror yelling for help
Cause who is truly happy when they wish to be someone else?

Ugly
Scars lacing our bodies
Speaking loud enough when our thoughts get a bit foggy
People stare at these memories and tell us we're crazy
It decorates the pain like a poisonous pastry

Ugly
Why is it that we constantly hear
This word that some might consider their biggest fear
It's embarrassing, degrading, it weakens us deeply
I wear all black and walk through the hallways discreetly
I want no one to notice who I am anymore
I have locked my true self behind bars and steel doors
Cause I have a secret wish that one day maybe I could be adored
But my reflection isn't the reason that I am so destroyed

It's ugly
That word has broken me down
That I cry anytime there isn't anyone around
And it's amazing to see how many people are self conscious
Over this word which in itself is monstrous and obnoxious
Nowadays I wonder if anyone has a conscience
Cause if they did, why would they continuously spread all this nonsense?
You can't brush it off like its stupid and it isn't constant
And like it doesn't turn people from confident to rotten

Ugly
One day hopefully, I'll break out of this mindset
Cause it's kept me from doing things which I now seem to regret
It's kept me from happiness and the feeling of tranquility
And dragged me to the hell where lies depression and hostility
And now I long for a day where it will all happen so suddenly
I will look at my reflection and will say

"I'm not ugly."

Wrote this a couple weeks ago and sadly I'm still struggling with my insecure and confidence issues, as I have been for years. It's difficult always being self conscious but I don't know how to change. It's a constant battle within in myself. But oh well.

#suicide #cutting #depression #regret #hate #***** #sadness #depressed #anxiety #stupid

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