my conniving, cunning cat
so quick to pivot on paws,
but caring enough to walk the alleyways that are my
head and heart.

your claws cascade on my soul,
and i know you love me,
but you are a collective culling..

i can't bring myself to return to sender,
love my ender.

my alley cat,
i can't help but surrender,

to your every rake and take of my being.

you are the poison i crave,
the liquor on the top shelf.

the cat that possesses the power,
to bleed me raw and,
steal the love i can't help.

that silly metaphor about
weights being on your shoulder,
always holds true,

because whether it's you
and love
and lies
and hope
and smoke
and tears
and water
and fire

all that pain,
it inspires.

i can't help but to love you like the sun loves the moon.
upon first sight, i reflected your light, and made it
pearlescent, sporadic, and needing,
when all i wanted to do was scintillate and love as bright as you.

then i remember your rays not only touch me, but earth's and all its inhabitants.
perhaps a reflection of you is all i'll ever be.

but the reality is,
we are parallel ,
and i need to know that you like me
as much as i like you

there is no getting rid of him

each day goes by and i wonder if i'm getting better or
losing myself in the hysteria

by now i thought he'd be dead, but each saving grace of his absence is met with my sorrow

and the devil always brings him back
******

a reminder that i failed

he is not mine, and i do not want him

if you are real, show me what it means to live
if you are real, take this heart and choke the blood out of it
if you are real, i ask you, to steal my breath and give it to the dying
who need it much more than i do

i am dead, i am dead
if there's anything i know, it's that i'm beyond saving

this is a plea to god,
who i know does not exist

there is a darkness between us,
my boy,
you are poison in a body

the tragedy of us,
something like
the death of a child

i can't seem to bleed out -
the pain is
a strangling by gentle hands

a suffocation of hope

and we're off to the races, you and i
arm and arm

it's all fixed, and i'm still betting on you

I.
i kept my eyes off.
turning to face away,
as if god might have tapped me on the shoulder,
and told me to let my love smolder.
my eyes followed the distractions,
as they beat on marimbas,
and as i kept his gaze,
it started to feel like
they were beating
my ribcage

II.
heartbeat altered,
i began to falter.
moving my sight from the dancing mallets,
to my lukewarm palms,
that seemed to tear in passion.
in a sudden fashion,
i raised his head
and looked straight at it
with its wary eyes closed,
and i thought,
that i might have heard,
with a rush of raising concerns,
a heart shatter in shallow nearness,
like a shaky hand might have dropped a crystal.

III.
after the shatter,
my heart began to patter,
at a faster tempo in spite of the latter.
it is because of this,
that i promised to never looked again.

i feel like a flower
born backwards

because i love the feeling of golden light all for me

but i shrivel in fear of my own sight to see

my mouth has been filled with a flood;
the waters are tainted with the acid of the world.

it wears my teeth down into
pearled-knives,
and they cut the insides of my cheeks -
mixing in
bad blood with
a devilish pollution.

i cannot release a cry.
i cannot stomach the feeling.
i cannot ***** the sickness.

i've been sleepwalking into blackholes,
turning cartwheels by oblivion
with a hell
stuck between my lips.

i've been swallowed from the inside out -
flashing in and out of life
with the firestorm of
sirens.

the reds and blues scream in unison
for a world greater than you and i.

apollo's dead-set light shines on beauty.
the gushing of blood boils high in the guilty crowns of gored kings.

TO COURT BEAUTY IS TO BATHE IN IMMACULATE, ETHEREAL ECSTASY!

YOU ARE NOT WORTHY.

ichor spills in the cursed name of the light-born.
blessed with the scrutiny to scorch the iciest of hearts.

they sit on their faux thrones, just above Olympus,
with the wide eyes of wander and lust;
the bodies of gold and trust.

they sit high on their thrones,
with their own
black-light sun.

they sit on their broken thrones
stained with the blood of seraphim.

beings of smokeless fire burn away the truth

and we love them anyway.

as the blacklight morning
eats away at god's empty heaven
angel's cry tears of blood and
shed their hair -
gold as the sun at the midday hour

diamonds cut out the throats of
lovers

they bleed

the crimson rage oozes,
and drips in thick, blobs of terror

heaven waits for hell to freeze over and
the devil welcomes me home

and all was the same as if
the world had held its breath for me

in
toward the darkness that engulfs souls and
forces the eye to peer
into oblivion

dare i look into
my hell and turn my back to the hollow world
as i know it

out

amongst the blackness, amongst
the fear
is
the unknown

in

times like these i wonder
when i'll start seeing light again

out

sweet bright eyes, what can i say?
i wouldn't lie to you if i told you that your light led me down this way.
sweet amber eyes, why can't i stay?
maybe it's better that my heart is nothing more than your prey.

celestial, copper eyes, with lashes that shadow like a veil,
a stare, a glare, physique that could never compare.
lustrous, luminous eyes with the allure of a panther,
it didn't take long to see your eyes bore the answer.

i shake and shiver.
sweet brown eyes, make my soul quiver.
serrated lashes that stab like knives;
sweet bright eyes,
become my soul's reprise

somethings can't help but be looked backed at,
reminisced upon, though forgotten, a different kind of broken

like when i threw my jewel into the sea,
knowing it never loved me

and everyday the tide brought him back,
like some god-sent, torrent of a smack.
leaving me a bruise beyond pain,
amour's unforgiving, incessant strain.

sometimes i feel as if the words are going to shy out of my throat,
but i only find myself swallowing hope

i am a mouthful of acid

cheeks puffed with sin,
dripping down onto my waning grin

a divorce of possibility
burning me out,
and my heart keeps breaking
every time the sun brings doubt

there is a broken promise in my bones
cracking and cutting me into
worthless stones

a puddle on a winter day,
letting ripples break the counterfeit painting
of a happy fade

warning / disclaimer

LOW SELF-ESTEEM, BUT CAN SEEM HIGHER THAN QUEENS AND KINGS.

**************
totally cute at least one day of the week.
lots of emotions to love and beat.

under 18, so but don't worry ! ! !
you're probably not mature enough for me yet

anyway.

I like long conversations about art and me and that cat that likes to give birth in the middle of the road.

how inconvenient am I?

I only need a few things to be ace and be completely worth your daily grace.

bathe me in your electricity, feed me diamonds, sleep with your arms around me - door locked, but wide open, kiss me like Cassandra told you that Troy will fall.

Buy now !

my spine is made from the bones of you
staunch and unmoving

stuck in a stupor that caves out and eats in
cutting through the insecurity

so deep i can't lick the wounds clean

i am the living dead scoured by maggots and attended by
my own sorry spirit
looming over the death like
a funeral turned pity party

****** ******, ****** ******
the words shout from heaven and hell

but i am dead
and you dissolve

into paradise

i drip my arms over your tired shoulders.
my hands cascade down your paper-thin back.

you're always crying.

and you're terrible wings tremble, but my dew-soaked fingers are
nimble
and unkind.

this is why no one can love me.

my heart is ill and beating with the strength of a
dying light.

pulsing off and on and off and on.

i carry scissors.

while i hug my poor self,
i clip my wings with the ease of a
psychopath.

there is an end somewhere
but not here.

lies are only lies to those who know
i've watched the lights flick out of the brightest eyes.
  light but no shadow

cloaked by thunder and into the murky river's flow
some tell others the dark is only right at night
   lies are only lies to the ones that know

death clinically reaps and sows
   men, women, and children all break the same
    light but no shadow

  the living walk blind, their hearts show
  shades of gray, and with grief on its way, right or wrong: they will grow
     lies are only lies to the ones that know

and if i were to bleed for tomorrow
  my wound would ooze grey, dripping into the far and unknown
    light but no shadow

the sun and moon do not glow the same glow
on the shade that would reveal that good isn't always good
   and lies are only lies to those who know
    light but no shadow

rest in peace,
boy of feather and fleece.
leave the world,
your pain will not cease.

you carry coffins
like jagged mountains of knives in your back.

to your death you'll take,
your soul that breaks
whenever you get up in the morning

life loves a fist to lift levels of lamentation onto my being.
oh, how i feel the rise and fall
-so freeing.
to be uppercutted to the clouds,
only to fall right through.

life is a lie.

there is no one to catch you.

"do you have what it takes?"
-to simply put it, no.

i am a failure in darwin's eyes,
a freak to show.

there's no spark of flame in me,
no catalyst for innovation.

i just lie in a sort of dull pain,
lost in translation.

not quite meant for this life, maybe there's another.
the sun flares up at me, and all i want to do is duck and cover.

i am the moon on a black night,
when there are no specks of silver or wisps of angel breath to accompany me.

my light is not mine, i am not a child of clarity.

I was there when you fell from heaven
the fire in the sky burns,
blazoned by the jade
tint of satan's Greek fire

the air was poisoned with the unholiness of you

it's easy to blame coincidence
if I am broken, perhaps I cannot fix you

my eyes are replaced with slabs of molten rock and the soulfire gaze
sears your shadow from your towering image

you are yourself and reflection
an end and a beginning

the steps toward dawn
and it's sunbleached essence
baptizes and breathes

death into life

but dusk comes not long after
closer than sin
thicker than bad blood

there's no light at the end of the tunnel
just the passing glimmer of your
one last wish

there's no light at the end of the tunnel
i won't dance with the devil
there will be no
one last kiss

you were vanquished, forgotten, left in the dark of a past i refuse to turn back to.

yet you come to me at the witching hour with your eyes of greek fire and face forged from ichor.

you come to me and rip my soul from my chest with a fist that felt like true love.

now gold, gold, gold is all i see and you are all i want.

but you flee back into the pits of hell, and i am left yearning for the sin of my love to take me with you.

rituals and incantations so strong that they make heaven roar in protest fail to bring you back to me.

i am left with a hole for a heart and a soul stained with sin.

now completely forsaken, i wait;
forever dancing with the devil in my head.

a red beginning on the crown of his head;
king of nothing,
prince of everything -
yet

there's room to grow.

under a black horizon,
the shades of red hidden in bleak
discreteness
are delicious and
demonic.

demon king, demon king

he spreads his wing under the eclipsed sun:
a shadow of a former self.

no longer does he wait for the world
for a seat at the table.

he has learned that hell can be raised
when heaven won't come down.

there has been a silence in my life
that has been ringing  
with the furor
of gunshots.

the hot-smoked blow of air
giving birth to death in metal -

and my ears bleed a red
more red than blood.

i am deaf to all reason and numb to every feeling.

i am a doll made of dirt
and fake gold.

no marks of teeth will ever scar me.

i stand proudly with a broken back
smiling
even though
there's nothing to live for.

a caged dove sits on its perch,
and listens to its own silent song.
while the veiled sun ascended to its throne of flames
and gave rise to its free wings.

***** filled the air
and all the while a new song chimed on
like a call unanswered.
as the dove listened, it began to hum;
their tunes began to intertwine.
all the while the dove thought:
that song sounds like mine

i am in stasis, prisoner to the nightsky
and all his dreadfulness

laying, helpless - waiting
for someone to steal my heart and end this
senseless aching

no more pain shall be felt in the name of a ******
angel

the lord has no sympathy for those who speak with their eyes
i am deaf to the silence and my ears bleed everyday
tell me you were crying on the day i stopped loving you

watch me as satan's hellboys
laugh with glee
while they pull apart my rib cage

bone to bone

watch me wonder if the pain

is worse than the love i felt for you

tell me that in the wake of all this destruction,
i have been made stronger

a black pearl waiting to be torn from its home
some day i wont have to wait anymore

hollow human,
nothing more than an echo
of what could have been.

an echo that rang so sweetly
and sent pangs through his heart.

human with no insides,
no feeling, no way out.

human that bore a sign that read: "all hollowed out"

jack-o-lantern left out on Halloween.

please let me know that i am seen.

maybe it was my induced state of certain strife,
that made me believe we'd love each other in another life

a sure thought that ended with a knife
by my own hand,

oh how i hold darkness within the light

your eyes are hollow
and your mouth is set

you don't seem to notice
your heart leaking out of your chest

and the trail of blood is miles long
snaking past years of agony

that you dare not tread on

I take your heart and hold it out to you

you are not mine and you never were
my hands are singed by the holiness of your essence

but the pain is numb to me and you are all I feel

take this from me
I don't want it

your name breaks hearts upon my lips and
I am too weak to carry the empty love

my paper spine breaks at each end
though I had already collapsed

i've killed myself and
i haven't even loved you yet

how quick i was,
to bite into the forbidden fruit

o temptress, i will always believe you weren't a ruse

because now he's coming out of the shadows,
and like some false prophet your preachings no longer lead me to shore

so now i am looking for a needle in a rather larger pile of needles, aching for more

the forbidden knowledge i've taken, it's not like you've been mistaken

but now i can't find the key to the door

i'll blow my brains out
to your favorite song;

if you see the lyrics
spelt out in my gore
maybe you can see
how much i cared

i knew that when fire
  would come down as liquid rain,
     it would be the day god choked me into loving you.

now it's too bad my Lord left you in the storm's all seeing eye,
     and me to be carried away by tempestuous winds of lies

the wind brings you to me in a whisper.
hushed noises breathes wisps of
poison into my ears.

i can't helping listening to,
the sin, the sin.

you are a flower, a shadow, my reflection in the mirror.

but i didn't let you in,
i didn't breathe the breath, you haven't touched my skin.

venom courses, passively forces
you into my blood.

i didn't wish you here, god didn't put you near.
poison, poison, you are a flood.

wisps and willows paint the sky with your blood
apparitions dancing in the dusk of trees that
can't bear your sight

branches swinging to **** with purpose -
to end the unholiness of you

smoke breathes and hugs the world
the devil won't **** you, and
the umbrage of my small love
can't even admit to the fact

carved into my soul with
the permanence of
a tragedy

i will not have this life but there is no
killing you

snake lady with slit, slivers of obsidian for eyes:
i beg you to **** the light, turn me to stone, make my darkness real.

i want nothing more than to be frozen in now,
offer me the stasis, **** me somehow.

that type of halfway point between the knife and
a weakened atlas is where i lie.

turn to me and transcend my paper-thin skin to emerald.

your eyes are the portal to freedom,
god's final mouthpiece.

give the gaze that kills the half-lidding living.

upon the sight of your face,
i grew a second heart,
because all that i saw in you
was a new start.

i carried heart #2 in my hands,
to make sure you saw its crimson shine,
and all my brain told me to do was to bide my sweet time.

but then every heartbeat became an earthquake,
and my spirits began to flatline.

time of death, i awaited
while my second heart's beat declined,
until all it became
was an echo

******.
a choir of omens
that fly on wings of death,
and soar on winds of agony.
harbingers of oncoming storms:
what lies beneath cacophonous cackles?

solace in the chains of sorrow.

he sweeps me off my feet and lays me by a tombstone,
his volley of crows rain down like black-night javelins,
and i can't quite realize if i am to be shocked
or mesmerized.

the moon shines high in the heavens now,
and her eyes are stuck on me.
she can somehow bear the audacity to watch me
be taken by such a goes-around-comes-around
type of guy.

he smells of sterility and tears
and peace and closure
and happiness in relief;
like roses on blank stones
and lilting monologues.

i can only be struck dumb by the
compelling, coal nocturne
and my hourglass of a lover.

his dual-edged shadowing forms wings of blackened bone on my back,
and i can't bring myself to
turn the sands of times.

so i ask you now:
before you leave me alone in this world,
would you lay me to rest,
kiss me good night,
and tell me stories of what could have been?

i would tell you about the way i lose myself when you come to close,
and sear your image into my heart
with every appearance.
the most beautiful of all scars.

i would tell you that speaking your name feels like breathing fire,
a pain i can't bring myself to feel,
so skirt the scorch
and let my feelings sway

but above all i'd ask you
why?
because if there's anything i know,
it's that my love didn't show

choke on hope,
no love to stoke

i love,
but i will never surmount.

oh, how i've lost thought of
all the ivory i am,
and all the gold you've become.

my supply of you is endless,
different mold, my bursts are trendless.

i'll take you and bathe you in my self-thought, assumed glory.

i am in love with beings i find precious,
and if i find my heart senseless,
melt and begin again.

perhaps it's all pretend,
my love doth not end

i'll be screaming to no avail.
i am of ivory
and my
gold impales.

i will
rise above the fray
and slay the beast
that keeps me at bay.

i will
rise above the fray,
no longer do i hide behind the glimmer of the cosmos.
i am the night and day.

i will
rise above the fray.
become the flower and the flame.
i am the hunter
the world?
my prey.

i finally get to feel your touch
the knife through my heart wasn't what i was expecting,
but it'll suffice

my blood turns to ribbons on ice, and
i'm crying

you've ruined me, and i love you so much

i am a wicked thing, filled to the brim with you, and
every time you're near i pour
out the emptiness

you're killing me, but i can't stop smiling

god won't **** me and you want me dying

Research papers require
a disgusting amount of disease
and desire

the swarm engulfs my being with love and blood;
your horrific cleansing of amor among life in death sends a shock of terror among the world.

so insidious that the stars hide behind their veil of opaque mist.
little do they know that their pale haze is only a shimmer of anonymity.

the fire-baptism commences, and i can not feel the burning of unholy light.

this must be the end.

my blood turns to ice, my eyes see only streaks of apocalypse, and my mouth is sewn shut by the infernal creatures of purification.

the hellmouth speaks for me now.

the sleeper woke the world and it bled.
the flames of rebirth purged the world and devoured it.
the lover remains comatose and shattered.

seraphim swoop down from a silent heaven to clean the mess of a love too strong for one to bear.

blood oozes out of the ears of those too occupied and diluded to care

Dead, black lips feel the empty tears of disappointment.
I miss the warm glow of your words on my heart.
Little have I known the day's grace,
But it makes me happy.
I just want to be happy.
And in a perfect world
We would be arm in arm, but more than human.
I would know your call was mine, and we'd sing together.

Arm in arm, greater than the galaxies.
You'd guide me through foreign lands and seas that would have jubilation intoxicate me;
resuscitation.

Take me down that cosmic castle, show me what it means to live.

I'll stare at the blank, black, blanket of a heaven until you return

to love without eyes
is to have Hope whisper lies.

instead of letting love glow red,
i tie a blindfold around my head.

barren and cold, there is no sun to hope for, no stars to wish on, and no moon to guide me

it's been sixteen years and and i can't remember if i've ever felt light

in this twist of life, in this world of darkness, there is no time, no distinction between what is real and what isn't

i would tell you what it would feel like to be free, to be cleansed, to be me

but you see, i was born in umbrage, it is my home, it is my essence, my eternal disease

if only they knew what it was like to be left at the bottom of the world

if only they knew what it was like to be afraid of escaping

if only they knew that the only light there was in this world came from death himself

hi there !
how are you, then?
really now?
oh wow.

let me grab a chair.
since when?
really now?
oh wow.

so that's why you wanted to share.
gosh, I feel ten.
really now?
oh wow.

really?
wow.

you really had me going at here comes love - POW
; man sorry -

I think we can talk about me now.

funhouse of self-reflection,
i indulge in your distraction,
make the best of every one of my heart's contractions,
to scintillate, to shine, to epitomize a refraction
that is all mine.

a start's best contender
to finish, always inclined.
for the heart's say is that gold is always underlined.

glitter of shimmer, of glistening hues.
what creator could produce formations as iridescent as you?
but coruscation of shadows, perpetually anew:
why do you always crack my mirror and skew?

mirror, mirror.
mirror of my mind:
tell me where it is that all my secrets hide?