Feeling fail.
A shallow discontentment
only brought about
by the success of others.
Challenges conspire.
Everywhere I look
beauty and joy
laughing
mockingly.
My poor body,
weak and restless,
struggling to breathe
under the pressure.
Water surrounds me,
pounding in my ears,
and it is done.

How do you do it?
Make my heart beat so?
A rhythmic thump-thump,
speeding and reckless at the thought of you.

You dance in my mind
playing in my memories,
The simple things,
seem like so much.

Remember when you offered my a bite of your food?
I refused;
but what if I hadn't;
would we laugh,
and look into each others eyes.

Remember the time you touched my face?
Almost an accident. Almost.
I wish your hands had grabbed my face and pulled my lips into yours,
but your fingers only grazed my cheek.

Remember when you tried to teach me your job?
I watch your hands shape the pizza dough,
stretching and rotating it.
I have never wanted to be a ball of dough more in my life.

Remember all the laughs we've shared?
I wish I could feel those laughs in your chest.
I want to be the air in your lungs.
Breathe me in and out again.
Hold me in an air bag, and breathe each laugh.
Save those breaths,
and the beautiful fog they make.
Save them for me,
years later I will open the bag and release them.
Only a memory of the person they once belonged to.
A shadow of the life they once sustained
But it is enough.
They kept you alive, and humored me.
And I only wish they could breathe for me.
Into me.
All around me.
Give me life.
Give me existence.
Press your mouth into mine and breathe.
Pump my lungs,
and awaken me.
Save my life with your breath.
Your laugh,
brings me life.
Your laugh,
is all I need.

You say I burned your heart.
Well
Burning,
Like welding,
Is part of reconstruction.

and I'm in the same process myself.


If only I wasn't so sheltered to burn anyone who came close enough to feel my fire.

I wish you could be here to feel my heart flutter when I think about you
Funny, because I hardly know you, but I still wish to be in your arms.
Arms which I've ever felt.

You're an enigma to me; mysterious yet captivating,
and I want to solve you.
I want to pick up your pieces and put them together like a jigsaw puzzle.
I want to see the picture they make when they come together,
and cry when I have to take it apart put the pieces back in the box.

I want to fall asleep thinking about you, and get a text message that you are thinking about me too.

I want to hold your hand and trace the lines on your palm, The heart line and life line, and laugh when yours and mine match.

I want to lean in close and whisper secrets only we know
and you'll whisper back that you agree.

I want you to mess my hair up.

I want my mother to be suspicious when I come home wearing your sweatshirt and not mine.

I want to lay out in the grass together watching the clouds with headphones in, listening to Green Day because I know you like them.

I know that much about you.
I know your eyes are brown and dark
and your mother thinks you are gorgeous.

I know your speech slurs when you get excited and start talking fast.

I know you tease me, and I think you like me too, but I don't know that for sure.

I know you have a silly ring of hat hair when you leave work, and I hate it but I love it too.

I know I recall all these things about you to write this poem, and I'm smiling as I think about you.

I wonder what you are doing right now, not this, for sure, you're probably playing Xbox with your friends and thinking about graduating in two weeks.
But not me, I'm thinking about you, funny, I know, because I really hardly know you, but maybe that's okay, maybe one day I will know something about you.

You left me a bruise
the kind you don't realize you have until long after the incident.
A purple tinged skin of a mistake
from pushing too hard and too far
searching for love,
love that would never come.
I cried and begged you for you to want me,
you said you did,
but I saw those messages to her,
and the other girls.
You lied.
You never wanted me.
You only wanted ***
when I wouldn't give it to you
you left.
Left me hanging
from a noose
choking for life.
I screamed for you to come back
I would have given you my all
I was too late.
I realized it
and so did my wrists
as a blade met them
blood ran down my hands
as I left blood soaked fingerprints
on letters
you would never see.

I've shredded those letters now
its been over two years
since I promised I would **** myself if you didn't love me.
I took the crumped notebook and rusty razor blades
out to the trash and threw them away
without a second thought
like you threw away my heart.
The bruise has faded now,
the bruise you left me
the purple has faded to a yellow
you may not notice it at first glance
but when I push on it just right
the same deep-throbbing pain
as when I first received it
shoots through my body
I bite my teeth and curse your name
If it wasn't for your big brown eyes
I would have never gotten myself into that mess.

Do you have any idea the pain you caused me?
or were you too blinded by your own scars to see mine?

When I heard the vague news today
my mind began swimming
jumping to conclusions
This had to be some accident
some horrible accident.
But now I know
It was no accident
It was planned
purposeful

Maybe you felt  alone in this world.
You weren't
Your family is rushing together
phone calls
everyone is crying

We all miss you

No,
I don't believe you are a coward.
I know what it is like to want to **** yourself.
Only I never had the strength to carry through with it.

I will remember you by the scars on my wrists
I know what you must have been suffering through
No, my god,
You were not alone.
But we feel alone without you.

I'm laying here
Watching the lightening
and hearing the thunder
And I believe
the sky is my heart tonight.
For  I thought of you
and set my insides ablaze.

If lightening strikes metal
then surely my heart is titanium,
cracked and bruised.
And you are Zeus,
god of the skies,
sending a downpour
making my knees weak
in the storm.

I think Nicole is just in love with me
you said.
Yeah, right. As If I would ever fall for someone like you
I replied.
It was a lie,
Because as those words spilled from my lips
      my heart hopelessly spilled open for you.


and it falls further

Every time you catch my eyes
wandering to your jawline  
(it is quite often).
Every time you say my name
stressing it in all the right parts  
(stressing my heart as well).
and
Every time you walk out those doors
and I begin to count the days to when I will see you again  
(it is 18 days as of now).

Yes. Yes I am in love with you, you're right.*
I whisper.
But you are miles away,
And I am speaking to a memory.

Your love is an ocean
and I am drowning.

Saltwater stings my eyes
and burns my throat
as I desperately cry my S.O.S.

You pull me down in waves,
my lungs aching for air.

Who knew it would be you
who has me struggling to breathe?

The water somehow calms me
with its silence.

I find solace in your murky depts.
An introverts daydream
all alone in 145 million square miles
of torrential rain
only to share my final moments with the sea.

I sink
deeper
and
deeper
I stop fighting
and let go.

For a moment
I may not be breathing.

The pressure against my chest is undeniable.

I open my mouth to breathe
but I only chock on saltwater.

My lungs fill with tears.

I swear I hear a voice,
be it my oxygen suffocated mind
or you
whispering to me.

You break the ominous silence
with seven simple words;
"Some love is to strong to fight"
and with that
I close my eyes
and
       give
               in
                   to
                      you.

You tell me
Keep pressing forward
but how can I go on
when I've reached the end?
I have no faith left
I'm standing here
With my own two feet
at the end of the eternal line
and no strength left to take another step
for
from now on
each step will be on hot coals
they will burn.
I like here
where it is safe
by the fire
I can bid my time
until I turn around
and take the easy road
back to despair.

My mistakes
have a sad habit
of coming back to haunt me.
Their ghosts
waking me in the night.
Whispers of
"You're not good enough
you never will be",
ringing in my nightmares.
Walking in my memories.
Replaying the past.
Every tactless word
like a broken record.
But dreams, like insanity
are impossible to escape your own mind
Even if I tell myself
"Don't listen to them,
they don't know you",
the dreams will keep coming.
The ghosts are still there.
Not until I realize
that to rid the spirits
I've got to leave the
Haunted House.

Tomorrow I will see you
for the first time since you graduated.
Time doesn't feel the same when I'm away from you.
I'm apprehensive,
I want our time together to be perfect.
I'm afraid that I will say something ludicrous.
I spend all this time imagining how I will respond to you,
but I seize up when I see you.
If only I had the courage to confess how I feel.
If I wasn't so terrified of my heart.
I could tell you the poems I write,
I could reveal all the things I love about you
however, you may be alarmed
Its unusual to hear someone use their words,
not body,
to express affection.
Would I scare you with my passion?
With how many words I can use to describe your eyes;
Dark, sensitive.
mysterious, cryptic.
Sanguine, gregarious.
Incessantly beautiful?
all true.
But I could never tell you I spend my free time
searching the dictionary for words
that remind me of you.
Is it ridiculous that I sit here
imagining what your lips taste like?
I'm sure they taste like a secret I want to hear.
I would love to lean in close
and mold my smile into yours.
Shape, fire and glaze our lips together like modern art.
But my strength is worn thin,
I'm petrified
of rejection.
So I will wait for you
to make the first move.
Unless you're just as unnerved as me.

maybe
maybe I just really want
to have someone.
a warm body
to hold
soft lips to kiss
and eyes
to stare deeply into.
maybe
maybe I just really want
to have someone
to fall
fully and completely
in
crazy
love
with.
maybe
maybe it is everything I've ever wished for.