here
where I am
together
you hold my hand
look to the sky
and reveal the secrets of the blue
with bright eyes of
curiosity
a jubilant smile
like a child
we explore the clouds
floating far above land
uninterested
or maybe just unaware
of the world below us
but when we're here
together
nothing else really matters

You're a blood stain on a wedding dress and through countless bottles of bleach you still refuse to fade.

I scrub my teeth until my gums bleed, but I can't get rid on the feeling of your tongue in my mouth.

I'm scratching at my arms because I promised I'd never use a razor blade again but your hands were daggers that cut out my arteries and left me bleeding out while I  begged you to stich me up.

Your drunken eyes were bloodshot the night you drank so much you vomited blood, I took you to the emergency room, and in your hallucinogenic state you muttered her name, not mine, and I swore I would die that night.

My parents prayed and prayed to a god who turned the Nile into a river of blood that I would leave you, but I always had a hard time leaving a problem unsolved, and the blood that gathered at the surface of my skin in the form of bruises was my problem to solve, not yours.

The broken glass of your whiskey bottle left cuts on the bottom of my feet as I snuck out that December night, and left blood stains in the snow for you to find on Christmas morning.

As I clutch the photo of us all these years later it is my tears which splatter over our faces, not my blood.

My scars are innumerous, and so are the stars, and I would have given both for you to love me.

No amount of blood transfusions could replace what you took from me.

My A negative blood will never work for everyone but it is enough to save the lives of those bleeding out on operating tables with families begging for another day like I begged for you when you would have let me die.

I read in the newspaper today that you were found dead on the scene of some a drunk driving accident, drowning in a pool of your own blood, and I nearly laughed because finally the bloodshed you caused was over.

What could I possibly write
that could describe you fully?
What words could bring justice to the light of your eyes?
You're so complicated
in your thoughts and feelings,
so deep I will never understand
and everyday
as I peel off
layer
by
layer
I am shocked to discover
just how human you are
Your faults
harmonize beautifully together
to create you.
As long as I sit here,
shaping you with my pitiful words
I discover how
incredibly impossible it is.
What words would ever represent you
as well as you do?
so,
simply darling,
You are you,
and I'd love to unveil that.

Around this time of year
when the sun and shorts come out
I remember the past.
Others are looking forward
while I'm looking behind.
In afternoons
in sun soaked classrooms
I look down
at my ankles and wrists
and I awkwardly shuffle to cover the past.
I remember two years ago,
and the depression I never quite recovered from.
I tug on my sleeves to cover the marks
least anyone notice the fading white scars.
I remember the razor blades
and blood soaked sheets
as I pour out my feelings
and body on to the pages.
I remember the tears and anger,
and confusion
because
why would a sweet girl from a good family
and nice neighborhood
ever do this to herself?
I remember wanting to tell someone
but never feeling like I could ever trust anyone again.
I remember my hopelessness.
I run my fingers over the crosshatching,
for the vagueness of my memories,
the scars feel so real.
And the past comes alive to me
in these afternoons
when I remember
exactly two years ago.
And today
as a similar situation arises
and for the first time
is a long time
I longed for that ache.
But instead of stiffing through the archives
to find the rusty razor blades,
I close my eyes
and whisper to myself
"You are strong.
And you will wear these scars as a reminder of how strong you are,
and how you survived."

And the past remains the past.