Michelle M Diaz: Poems

11.6k · May 2014

Fireworks

Michelle M Diaz May 2014

Fireworks, explosive sparkles of color filling the night sky
a way to show celebration, of any kind
Fireworks with the beautiful colors and shapes that
BOOM into the night
and all I can think about is you.
How I wish you were here, with me
now.

#you #missing #fireworks

8.8k · May 2014

warmth

Michelle M Diaz May 2014

warmth

fire, blankets, your arms
they all bring warmth
to my cold self
fire too hot to touch
blankets wrap me up, comfy, cozy
your arms, home

#you #sick #warmth #ugh

4.4k · May 2014

Running

Michelle M Diaz May 2014

Running

I'm running
running on empty
I spent last night, awake
couldn't sleep, couldn't feel
can't seem to feel these days, anyways
I'm running
running on empty
can't seem to eat
not that hungry it seems
food repels me nowadays
I'm running
running on empty
can't seem to concentrate
can't seem to stay awake
can't seem to feel
I keep on running
almost at 2 miles
just keep running
focus
i'm fine
I'm always fine
Not hungry
not feeling
just running

#depression #running #numb

3.8k · May 2014

Can't focus

Michelle M Diaz May 2014

Can't focus

its cold here
my heavy eyes droop
the teacher drones on
I blow my nose, so that I can breathe
in, out, in sneeze out in, out, in, out, sneeze
I'm at the back of the room
isolated
java 2, the elite
sitting alone in a java 1 class, so I don't have to pay attention
Mrs. is teaching stuff I already learned
She hands me packets to work on, on my own
the trees look so green, I love the spring
may, almost, summer
summer coming soon, not soon enough
tap tap tap tap the keyboards click click click
ugh my nose is so congested
my eyes are so heavy
sleeeeeep I just need sleep
I have to packets I need to work on, but I can't focus.
can't focus, can't breathe
my hands are tired from typing
I'm too tired to focus on reading
so what to do, what to do.
I'm wasting time, but who actually cares
I'll get the work done, just not today
summer come sooner, I need some warmth
warmth, my bed is so warm
this classroom is cold
i'm cold
bed, bed, sleep warmth
how will I ever get through this day?

#bed #cant #cold #sick #school #meh #ugh #focus #java

3.1k · May 2014

mirror (10w)

Michelle M Diaz May 2014

mirror (10w)

I look in the mirror and I only see flaws

#flaws #10w #mirror #ugh

2.9k · Jan 2015

Money makes the world go round

Michelle M Diaz Jan 2015

Money makes the world go round

Money makes the world go round
if you don't have enough, debt gets pilled on
if you have too much, your spending goes crazy
just the right amount and your stable
but it seems more and more people don't have enough
money makes the world go round
but will there ever be peace?
When will everyone have food on their table?
When will everyone be able to support their families?
When will the world finally learn the money can't possibly make the world go round?
Such an unstable business, money is
yet we all need it to survive.
It drives people mad
People get greedy
people get needy
people don't need money
they need love
they need to work hard
they need to eat
they need to survive

#frustration #power #money #hungry

2.5k · Mar 2015

Don't need to be saved.

Michelle M Diaz Mar 2015

Don't need to be saved.

When I was younger, my mom always told me these fairytales
Even if she hadn't, I would've still known them
the basic plot of almost every fairytale is this
Miserable young girl, maybe already princess, maybe hidden princess
whatever
Prince charming comes and whisks her away to a better life
somehow he always finds the princess, as if he knew who it was all along
She was in distress, he saved her, happily ever after
but what happens if you wait too long for the prince and nothing ever gets solved. What if you're stuck right where you are, with nothing changing unless you change it yourself.
What if Prince Charming comes, see how messed up everything is and doesn't know how to fix it.
What if Prince is a *******.
Then what?
Your left there ******* with the ******* "Prince Charming", who doesn't know all you've been through or how to even help besides taking you away to the big stupid castle. I'd rather take the time and effort to save myself than fight those odds. I'd rather get my crap together and do the rescuing myself thank you very much. Does that mean I won't end up with a happy ending? NO!
I refuse to believe that if I don't play little miss pathetic that I won't be happy! I refuse! That isn't how the world was made
that's why the world isn't a ******* fairytale
so I refuse to be saved.
If some ******* ******* prince thinks he can save me
he's in for a surprise.
I don't need to be saved.

#thoughts #random #fairytales

2.3k · May 2014

Summer

Michelle M Diaz May 2014

Summer

When days get longer and nights get shorter
that is where my heart lies
When the heat of the beating sun makes my skin glisten
that is where you'll find me, being as open and free as one can be
When life gets less stressful and sleep becomes more peaceful
that is where you'll find my smile as big as that of a child
Those are the days of summer
Those are the days I don't weep
Those are the days I want to last forever
Those are the days I can eat, sleep, laugh and just be

Daydreaming about Summer, wishing it would come sooner

#happiness #summer

2.0k · May 2014

Film

Michelle M Diaz May 2014

Film

Life is like a picture, taken with a film camera
You take the picture, but you don't see how it looks right away
You worry that the picture would be blurry
or worry that it won't work out the way you want it to
You develop the film, turn those negatives into beautiful pictures.
and if you mess up on one photo, you still have 24 or more beautiful pictures for that reel.
Life is like that
You work hard, but you don't see the fruit of your labor right away
you worry about so many things and think about all the things that could go wrong.
Like film, you develop
The negatives can be used to become beautiful wonderful positives in your life.
If you mess up, you have more chances.
Life is full of chances
So life is like a photo
a photo you take on a film camera
and you are the photographer
so take some beautiful pictures.

I'm sorta feeling kinda ****** while in photography class, and decided to "develop the negatives" in this poem, while developing my film :P I kinda feel better now :)

#happy #photography #film

2.0k · May 2014

watch me

Michelle M Diaz May 2014

watch me

Don't think I can run?
Don't think I fit the image?
Don't think I can fight?
Don't think I can be happy without you?
watch me
I can run, maybe not as fast as you, but I can run.
watch me
I fit my image. Who cares what you think? Oh wait, nobody thats right
watch me
I can defend myself, and I may not cause damage, but I refuse to let you do damage, so
watch me
I'm happy now, Look I'm laughing and smiling and radiant, all without you, so
watch me
I can do anything
I am not invincible, and I do break, but
I am strong
so go ahead, put obstacles my way and
watch me get past them

#happy #me #motivation #watch

2.0k · May 2014

Queen for a day

Michelle M Diaz May 2014

Queen for a day

I was a princess once
It was long before I was sad
I was daddy's little girl and mommy's little angel
I used to twirl in my dresses and bows
happily singing my songs
then I grew up
I lost myself
I shattered
I tried to pick up the pieces
just for one day
one day, my birthday, to be whole again
I only had enough glue and tape to piece myself together for one day
I was queen for that day
I was turning 15, my quinceañera, I was queen for a day
My dress, my makeup, my hair was perfect
I was queen for the day
but once the party was over, and my dress was taken off
my makeup washed off, my hair back to its messy oily self
I look into the mirror and I'm no longer queen
it's 2:21 am the day after my birthday and I'm still broken
I'm still me and that *****
My demons screamed, my nails clawing, trying to get out of my skin
Sure, I was queen for a day, but I'm not a queen
I don't rule, I'm not majestic, nor radiant nor elegant
I was like a little kid for a while
playing pretend
playing dress up
although I was beautiful, I was beautiful for one day
one day and one day only.
I wish I was beautiful for more than just one day
but there is only so much glue and so much tape
those aren't permanent fixes, those are temporary
just like my reign

#broken #depression #anxiety #princess #unfixable #queen

1.8k · May 2014

Recovery

Michelle M Diaz May 2014

Recovery

Recovery is such a weird word.
To different people it means the same thing,
but for different things.
To me, recovery is for depression and anxiety
To another could be for drugs
To yet another alcohol
and all of them are negatives that we try to make better
and I've definitely recovered from where I was before
but, I'm not fully recovered.
I'm still getting my **** together
I'm still having bad I want to **** myself days
I'm still fighting the urge to cut
I'm still unable to cope
but I'm still trying
I guess trying, is tiring, but worth it, right?
I don't like change, and darkness was so comforting
I felt terrible for so long, but it was all I could remember
Now, I'm recovering
recovering who I was
although sometimes it feels like I'm losing who I am
whatever, thats not the point
my point is messing up is okay
relapsing is okay
and one day, I will be okay

#depression #anxiety #trying #recovering

1.7k · May 2014

Freedom (10w)

Michelle M Diaz May 2014

Freedom (10w)

All I need
All I want
is to be free

#freedom #10w

1.3k · May 2014

numb

Michelle M Diaz May 2014

numb

I'm numb
I can't feel anything
Am I still alive?
Can anyone help?
Do I need help?
I don't know.
I can't tell.
I wish I could get my razor, just to feel something
but it was taken
now what do I do?
I'm numb
I can't feel anything
why
why can't I feel anything
Do I even exist
all I do is stare into nothingness
frozen
like a picture hung on the wall
am I dead?
or am I just dead inside?
I can't laugh
I can't smile
I can't move.
I'm numb

#cutting #depression #death #numb

1.3k · Jul 2014

I'm stuck

Michelle M Diaz Jul 2014

I'm stuck

I'm stuck in a place that never changes
never changes, never evolves, never ending
ending would mean different
different would mean change
change would be scary
scary would be brave
brave and exciting
exciting and new
new like a beginning
beginning like a story
a story of never ending adventure
never ending adventure would mean going
going means soon to be gone
gone from this place
this place that never changes
never changes, dang I wanna do something new.

the never ending circle poem :P felt like writing with some structure today

#adventure #bored #stuck #random #never-changing

1.2k · May 2014

The worst week

Michelle M Diaz May 2014

The worst week

day 1
My period came, god no the cramps
day 2
Headaches, cramps, voices loud and strong while I am soft and weak
I ran out of pads, pills and any other type of relief
day 3
I'm sick. I'm sneezing, I'm coughing, my headache worsens and I'm still going to school. All of this and my period, it's a wonder how i'm still awake and focusing at all
day 4
My voices don't stop screaming. My period pains last throughout the day. My cold won't stop. I want to stay home, I want to stay asleep, but I can't. Every time I sneeze, blood flows out like the ******* Niagara falls. My headaches don't lessen. Haven't I suffered enough?
day 5
My period finally lessens, I don't even need pads, just pantyliners. My headaches have lessen too. Sadly my voices are still going loud and strong. My cold has reduced just a bit, not much, I'm still sneezing half of my brain out.
day 6
**** **** **** **** **** it all! I don't want to deal with this anymore!!! Just ******* let me sleep. I'm going insane. The cramps **** the cramps! I can barely get out of bed! What the actual ****! I though my period was leaving! ****
day 7
period left, sickness is reduced to the occasional cough and sneeze. Voices have quieted down to a loud whisper. Thank god this week is finally over.

Why mother nature, why.

#sick #voices #period

1.1k · Mar 2015

Please, don't do this again.

Michelle M Diaz Mar 2015

Please, don't do this again.

I want to run
I want to hide
I want to disappear
I can't do this again
I can't deal with this kind of torture anymore
So I wish I could leave
Or that I could stop existing
Or that I could stop being dependent on you so that I don't have to deal with this again.
I just want it all to stop!
Just stop
*Please

1.0k · Apr 2014

losing

Michelle M Diaz Apr 2014

losing

I'm left here
waiting
wondering
hating
I'm suppose to be better
I'm suppose to be happy
but I'm not.

I don't blame you!
I don't blame you
I don't blame you...
Why can't you just understand, its nothing you did.
it's nothing you said.
It's nothing I can control.

They yell, they scream, they ****, they win...
They want me dead, I can feel it in my bones
I'll lose, I'll always lose, and I'll never stop losing.

#depression #sadness #anxiety #loser #recovery

1.0k · May 2014

the one who doesn't matter

Michelle M Diaz May 2014

the one who doesn't matter

I'm surrounded by people
people who consider themselves my friends
but they don't know who I am, not really
They all laugh and talk and do their own thing
they seem so carefree
and then there is me
me who is here
writing
feeling lonely and sad
I don't talk, I don't laugh, I'm just there
I want to talk, I want to laugh, I want to be part of something..
But no one talks, not to me anyways
Although I understand why, I'm not interesting
I'm not fun, I'm not there.
No one would miss me if I wasn't there
No one would even notice
no one would care
I guess it's my own fault though
If I did talk, they would listen, right?
If I did laugh and joke around they would join in
and I would matter and people would care if I was here or there
but I don't
because what do I have to say?
I'm not interesting, I'm not funny
I don't know how conversation works
I'm a mess, I'm a wreck, I'm absolutely desolate
I'm empty
I'm a shell of a person
I don't matter

#depression #anxiety #isolation #my-life-is-a-mess

998 · May 2014

First heartbreak

Michelle M Diaz May 2014

First heartbreak

This is why I was scared
This is why I cut it short
I didn't want to get attached
I didn't want to let you in
I didn't want to love you
So I didn't believe it
Slowly, you got under my skin
inside my head
and took over my heart
it was so gradual, I never noticed it
so, me being scared, I cut this short
thinking, I'll save myself from heartbreak
I hoped I hadn't gotten too attached and that I could keep carrying on
but
I realized too late
you were already inside my heart
you made yourself a home there
and refuse to leave
and now, I'm here, filled with regret
regret that I didn't keep you with me
regret that I didn't see it sooner
regret that I cut you loose way too soon
I wasn't ready
I wasn't ready
I didn't want to love you, but I do
I didn't want to miss you, but I do
and now you left
you don't want to go through another breakup
So we'll have to learn to live without each other
but honey, I'm breaking
my heart is breaking
So what do I do?
I don't want to get over you
I don't want you to get over me
but we can never have what we want
so I'm sorry I complicated things
I'll leave
you already left
but I need to leave too
I need to move on
don't worry about me, I'll be fine
*have a nice life

#love #life #heartbroken #getting-over-you

992 · May 2015

Why they don't notice

Michelle M Diaz May 2015

Why they don't notice

It's how slowly the darkness takes over that I think is why no one notices
It's little small things I stop doing over a period of weeks that it somehow becomes an integrated part of me. That's why they don't notice my blank state, my sad tired lifeless eyes, my unwillingness to participate in conversation. If it all happened at once that's a different story, that's when people notice. This is why when I break down, it goes unnoticed. Even by me.

#broken #depressed #why #darkness

893 · Apr 2014

stage fright

Michelle M Diaz Apr 2014

stage fright

Panic!
Oh no, It's happened again
I can't do this!
I start shaking
I can't do this
My heart beats out of my chest
it hurts to breathe
I can't breathe
I can't do this!
Everyone is staring
my palms start sweating
I can't do this.
The teacher's talking
I can't hear her
She's speaking to me
What is she saying!
I can't
do this
I tttrry tto sppeaak
she wants me to share my project with the class
I still can't.
I start crying, how embarrassing
I try to speak again
But the tears won't stop coming
I want to hide
I want to leave
I want to die.
I
can't
do
this

#depression #anxiety

882 · May 2014

continuous

Michelle M Diaz May 2014

continuous

Life continues even after you take your last breath
Love continues to grow even after you left
The sun continues to keep us warm
Rainbows still come after a storm
but I am no longer whole

#love #broken #life #death #left

849 · May 2014

Revelations at 2 A.M

Michelle M Diaz May 2014

Revelations at 2 A.M

I sat in my room, like I'd done every day of my life
I looked up at the ceiling, the room hot, the moon streaming through the window
and I thought , all by myself, no voices to interrupt,
What does happiness feel like?
I've been shut out from the world, alone, sad, in darkness for far to long
to even remember what true happiness is.
For years, I've yearned for perfection, nothing but perfect was good enough, but I've learned; slowly, eventually, that perfect isn't real. Nothing can be truly perfect, and perfection doesn't yield happiness.
So I thought what does?
Criticizing myself isn't the answer
wishing I could disappear isn't the answer
the voices aren't the answer
I also realized the voices can be wrong
no, the voices are wrong
So with this revelation, a journey lies ahead.
A long, tedious, and possibly the hardest journey I will ever take.
Certainly not the last.
I need to rediscover myself.
Reinvent myself
figure out who I am, so that I can learn to love myself.

#hope #myself #recovery #rediscovery

846 · May 2014

Stars

Michelle M Diaz May 2014

Stars

stars, they seem like they'd be so close to each other
they shine bright, and true and form patterns in the sky
but that's only how they seem from here
in reality, they are far apart
they lived thousands upon thousands of years ago
they burn and lived, but died
they're light are only just hitting us now
seems like that's how we are
we seem like we are close, like we shine and fit together perfectly
but that's how we seem to others
in reality, we are far from each other
we are alive now, but we don't live
we burn, but not brightly, we burn with hate
we burn everything that matters to us
including each other

#stars #us #meh

777 · May 2014

Mommy

Michelle M Diaz May 2014

Mommy

Mommy, you're so beautiful and wonderful
you work all day just so you can feed our hungry little mouths
I know you work so hard, I wish I could lift the burden from your shoulders
We've hit hard times mommy, the economy is ****
too many people are stingy, too many people struggle, not enough people live
Mommy, I wish you could have a day of rest
if anyone deserves it, it's you.
Although, I know you can't.
Once I can drive mommy, once I can work
I'll be able to help, although minimum wage won't make a difference.
It's just that, mommy, you take care of all of us
My older brother, Michael, who with autism is troubled
Me, the middle child, who is undeserving.
Mathew, the youngest, who is spoiled and has no idea the value of money.
My dad, who tries his best, mommy he does. Please just remember nobody is perfect.
Mommy, you are an angel, who keeps us all safe. We all love you mommy, with the bottom of our hearts.
Happy Mothers Day mommy :)

#love #day #mothers

774 · Oct 2014

Battle between sanity and insanity

Michelle M Diaz Oct 2014

Battle between sanity and insanity

It seems that no matter what I do, I always come back to this.
Like an oncoming freight train this sadness and anxiety hit me with so much force it's like I can barely breathe. Bang! Crash! Boom! All at once! Pill after Pill after Pill, never missing a dose and yet, somehow it all comes rushing back. Making me want to sleep through days again, spend days not eating again, not talking to anyone, becoming like a wall again. I don't want to. I do. I don't. This constant struggle between my sanity and insanity. I can't get bad again, I need to keep fighting, but how sweet it would feel to just stop. I'm so tired. StOp reason kicks in again, I wasn't happy depressed, I was depressed for ***** sake. I need to keep fighting this. I will keep fighting this. I need to keep fighting this. I need to.

#depression #trying #tired #recovery #bad-day-not-bad-life

759 · May 2014

My mask

Michelle M Diaz May 2014

My mask

I try so hard to keep this happy mask on
So that no one feels bad about how I feel
Do you not understand how tiring that is?
When I say "I'm tired"
please know, I'm not just physically tired
I'm tired of everything
I'm tired mentally
physically
spiritually
perpetually tired
a never ending tired that makes me want to sleep forever
but saying stuff like that makes you uncomfortable
it makes everyone uncomfortable, so I don't talk about it anymore
I keep it all bottled up, deep inside my soul
eventually I'll explode, I won't be able to handle the pressure
and like a volcano after having all that hot air and pressure building up
I'll explode, and I don't know how much damage I'll cause
So for now, My mask will stay on
and for now I'll be "happy"
and for now my problems don't matter
for now, I'll hide how I feel, behind my nice and shiny mask

#depression #hurt #hiding #tired #sorry #volcanos

751 · May 2014

The wall

Michelle M Diaz May 2014

The wall

I don't want to be something, I want to be someone*
I found that written in my bio book
To be someone
to matter
isn't that what everyone wants?
no one wants to be something
an object
used
sadly I never feel like a someone
I feel like a wall most of the time
I'm there, supporting
but no one talks to a wall
no one cares about a wall
people lean on walls
and walls protect people from outside forces
but no one protects the wall
That's why I'm the wall.
I'm there for support, but no one's there to support me.
I guess I really resonate with the quote above, I don't want to be an object
I don't want to be used, I want to be someone not something....
I wonder when I'll no longer be a wall
when I'll be a person
alive

#lonely #isolation #wall #outcast

741 · Sep 2014

I remember

Michelle M Diaz Sep 2014

I remember

I remember how you used to look at me
with a smile on your lips
and your eyes lit up
...
I remember how you used to hug me
tightly, your arms wrapped around me
so warm were your arms
so inviting your scent
....
I remember how we used to talk
everyday, non-stop
for hours and hours about everything and nothing
you were my best friend
.....
I remember how we kissed
the warmth of your lips pressed against mine
how I knew exactly what to do, what to say, to get you to want to kiss me
....
I miss you, but we can't be that close anymore
you claim I was too mean, maybe you just lost interest in me
Why would I be mean to the one who was mine?
but that was months ago, now
You're moving away, and I was mean today to you to mask my pain
I don't want you to leave, but I can't stand the thought of you with anyone else
.....
I thought I got over you months ago, and yet your on my mind
I guess I just remember too much
maybe I should forget

#forget #remember #you #heartbroken #ugh

718 · Jul 2015

dark to light

Michelle M Diaz Jul 2015

dark to light

Ever since I was a child, I was always afraid of the dark
the totally normal fear of goblins and ghosts lurking in the dark
but as I grew up, the fear shifted
it was no longer fear of the monsters outside my room, but
the fear of the monster within
once the fear increased, the darkness inside increased until I was consumed
now I've never been one for hope, but **** the all powerful God is alive
He saw where I was, Loved me where I was, and freed me
now I live without fear
I live without darkness
I live in the Light
and man can I tell you, the light kicks darkness' ***
anytime
anywhere

#overcoming

612 · May 2014

Alone

Michelle M Diaz May 2014

Alone

I'm here, in a corner
no one is here
I'm being attacked, by monsters
there is no one to talk to
I need help
I can't feel
no one is here
No one can help
you complain, saying how in all my poems I sound alone
well that is because I am
where are you?
not here
where do I need you
here.
When I need you, your not here
when you need me, i'm there
with you
so you know what, complain all you want
because in reality, I am alone

#depressed #alone #voices

586 · Jun 2014

inner rage

Michelle M Diaz Jun 2014

inner rage

You said you loved me!
You said you can't think of one reason to break up
"it'd have to be an outside force" you said
You said you couldn't imagine being with anyone else but me
so why!
why the **** did you leave
I can't believe how stupid I am
I can't believe I believed you.
I used to laugh at stupid love songs
now I understand and it ******* *****
I used to wonder how people could be heartbroken, used to say just move on.
You taught me you *******!
I didn't want to learn
I didn't need to learn
you ****** me up!
you know that, don't you?
*******
for leaving me
*******
for saying you loved me
*******
for saying there was no one else
*******
for saying I'm not alone
that you'll always be there for me
you ******* liar
I don't believe you anymore
if that isn't obvious
I know now, what I knew before I met you
love is a ******* illusion
I knew there was no such thing as "true love"
that nobody could stay with somebody forever
I didn't think this was a lesson I had to be taught
Apparently I'm wrong, because you leaving me ******* hurts
it hurts like hell
pretending you don't exist in school
not kissing you in the morning
not hearing how much you ******* "loved me"
ha what a joke!
Cant believe I fell for that *******
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
*******
********

#broken #sad #anger #heart #hate #pathetic

569 · Jun 2014

If only

Michelle M Diaz Jun 2014

If only

It was my fault
It's always my fault
I was too mean
too mean to you
too mean to myself
I was too dependent
Needy, greedy just wanting you near me
If I had just been nicer
not made you feel like crap when I knew you were trying
If I had just given you space
If I had just went on more dates
or told you how much you mean to me
but its too little
its too late
you're gone
*you're gone

#broken #hearted

555 · May 2014

love

Michelle M Diaz May 2014

love

"Love is a much more vicious motivator"
ain't that the truth
love makes us want to do whatever we can
love can drive people mad
love can set you free, but at what cost?

I don't really like the idea of love, it makes me feel trapped. BTW quote is by Sherlock Holmes.

#love #ugh

478 · Jun 2014

How?

Michelle M Diaz Jun 2014

How?

How am I suppose to go to school tomorrow?
knowing that you won't be waiting for me at my locker
knowing that I won't kiss you good morning
knowing that you won't walk me to class
knowing that you won't hug me, comfort me
knowing that you won't be thinking about me
knowing that you'll be ignoring me
How am I suppose to go to sleep tonight?
knowing that what happened was my fault
knowing that I'll never kiss you again
knowing that you won't be telling me you love me anymore
knowing that you won't be waking me up to good morning texts
How?

#broken #heart

477 · Jul 2014

For my friend

Michelle M Diaz Jul 2014

For my friend

I'm alone in a room full of people
While everyone laughs, all I think about is how I don't belong
When I talk to you, like really talk to you, just you, I'm fine
everything's dandy, in fact, its the only version of me that's worth being
I wonder how you do it, how you make me feel like i'm worth it
I guess that's what best friends are for
Talking to you makes me feel special
so thank you
thank you for putting up with me
thank you for helping me
thank you for talking to me
thank you for being you

You are you, that's truer than true, there is no one alive that's youer than you ~dr. suess

#friendship #gratitude #thanks

438 · May 2014

Not real

Michelle M Diaz May 2014

Not real

I'm alive, but I don't live
I breathe, I sit, I think
but I don't do anything
I don't feel anything
am I truly alive?
I don't feel like I am
I don't feel
all I can do is lay here
staring at my ceiling
writing
I want to feel something
what do I do?
I want to feel something
but I don't have blades
what do I do?
I want to feel something
I won't do anything
I'll stare at the wall
I won't exist for a while
I guess thats fine
I'm not real

Feeling a bit numb

#depressed #numb #exist #dont

428 · May 2014

I don't feel it

Michelle M Diaz May 2014

I don't feel it

When we kiss, I don't feel it
When we hug, I don't feel it
When we hold hands, I don't feel it
A kiss is supposed to be passionate, like fireworks that blow my mind
A hug is supposed to make me feel safe and warm and loved
Holding hands is supposed to feel electric, like a spark
but I don't feel it
I like you, at least as a person, as a friend
I don't love you though, I don't know what love is so how am I supposed to love you?
You're kinda boring, too stable, too dependable, too uninteresting
When we talk, you don't speak, it's me, talking to myself
and honestly I don't like myself enough to talk to me.
But what am I suppose to do, you love me.
you are obsessed with me, although I don't know why
You care for me too much for me to want to hurt you
I don't want to hurt you
but honey, I don't feel it
it, the spark, the fireworks, the love
I just don't feel it, am I really the one to blame?
I don't feel it
wouldn't you rather me feel it and love you
than me not feeling it, but staying with you out of guilt?
You love me, but I don't love you.
Honestly I don't know how to love, even if I did feel it
I don't know how to be in a functional relationship
so I'm sorry
I'm so so sorry
but I just don't feel it and its wrong to lead you on.

#love #broken #relationships #numb #ugh

402 · May 2014

Poetry

Michelle M Diaz May 2014

Poetry

I don't write poetry
I write my thoughts in the only way they make sense
I write my soul, which I guess is inherently dark
I write my struggles hoping no one understands,
but if you do I hope that you feel comforted that someone else feels it too
I write my diary, with no rhyme scheme, no meter, just metaphors and similes
which I guess is like poetry, oh well what can I say
I guess poetry is the only way it makes sense

398 · May 2014

My beautiful bird

Michelle M Diaz May 2014

My beautiful bird

my dream is a flying bird
It is beautiful and free
I want to catch it, not to cage it, but to have it
at this point in my life, the bird seems unattainable
I'd have to set up traps, but they might **** it
I'd have to gain its trust, maybe by feeding it
but if I later catch it, that trust might die
so for now, I'll admire it
I'll dream of that beautiful bird and hope and work so that it might come to me.

#dreams

394 · May 2014

Because I said I would

Michelle M Diaz May 2014

Because I said I would

make a promise on this paper, give it to someone you want to make the promise to and they'll give it back when you keep it. This promise has to be kept.
It's a little business card size card
and on the bottom all it says is because I said I would
I want to promise you the world, because I said I would
but that "can't be kept"
I want to promise I'll stop cutting
but can I keep that promise?
I want to promise I'll be happier
but *can I keep that promise?
I want to promise to be more motivated
to be a better daughter, to be a better, more motivated student,
to be better.
But my question is, can I?!
Can I be happier?
Can I stop cutting?
Can I start being motivated?
Can I stop being tired, so perpetually tired?
Can I Change?
because I said I would
people break promises all the time
people say they would all the time and it doesn't change the fact
they don't
so I left the card blank
blank like my future
my future that is so undecided and distant yet so very close
My future, that is up to me to decide
because I said I would
I say, I will try
trying is all I can do

#promises #random

384 · May 2014

Addiction

Michelle M Diaz May 2014

Addiction

Just one more cut
but I've been clean for 2 months
Just one more, you won't have to feel the pain any more
isn't life unbearable? Just one more cut, and you'll feel better
okay
once I start, I can't stop
more, more, more
I need more
all along my arms, my thighs, my shoulders
Deeper, I need to cut deeper, to make the relief last
I can't believe how pathetic I am, I never stay clean long
I guess that's why its called an addiction
I'm a hollow shell, and somehow this silver little blade fills me up with relief and happiness for at least a short little time.

#cutting #depression #anxiety #relief

379 · May 2014

Escape

Michelle M Diaz May 2014

Escape

If I could leave
If I could escape without anyone caring
Baby, I'm sorry, but I would
If I could leave, escape into a world filled,
filled with adventure, love, mystery
I'd leave in a heartbeat
I don't like this world of ours
filled with boredom, sadness, pain
So I read
and I read and I read and I read
hoping to escape, just for a while
but its not enough
I want adventure
I want love and mystery
So I'm sorry, but I'm planning my escape.

374 · May 2014

My own worst enemy

Michelle M Diaz May 2014

My own worst enemy

People often say to leave the ones who hurt you in the past
but what do you do when you can't
when the person who hurts you
is you

364 · May 2014

Untitled

Michelle M Diaz May 2014

Untitled

I thought maybe, if I was helpless, a little broken and lost
that someone would notice, care, and try to put me back together
I was stupid to think that
I am worthless, scarred up and alone
no one wants to help me
no one wants to put little ole me back together
I was wrong
I blame the movies, for making it seem like that's how life worked
I blame the romance books, for making guys out to be wonderful, beautiful creatures who loved more than just your body, and wanted you to be whole and happy with them
so I thought, when you showed up, that if I opened up
little by little
you'd care, you'd want to help put back he pieces
make me whole
but I was wrong, so now I know
and now I'm a little more broken
a little more lost
a little more confused
but most of all
a little less trusting
I don't believe love can fix me
not anymore
that's child's play honey
so I'll stay alone
I'll stay broken
until I can put myself whole
with my tape and my glue
my needle and thread
I'll be whole again, with no help at all
I'll be whole, but I won't believe in love
I'll be whole
eventually
but I won't believe in love, I refuse

357 · Jul 2014

I'm fine

Michelle M Diaz Jul 2014

I'm fine

Food tastes like poison on my lips
my features look distorted, like in one of those carnival mirrors
I eat, to keep my parents happy, but while I eat I can't help but hate myself
My energy is drained, all I want to do is sleep
I can't think straight, I don't want to do anything
I don't want to talk to people, go anywhere, just sleep
sleep in my warm, loving bed and not deal with anything
I anger my parents, or rather I guess it's worry
they see me disappearing once more behind my mask
worrying I'm just making myself worse
I don't mean to, if I am, I'm just not hungry, I'm just tired, I'm fine
I have to be fine...

355 · May 2014

my cycle

Michelle M Diaz May 2014

my cycle

I crave love, but I don't deserve it
I don't deserve it, so I destroy it
I destroy it, so that he can be happy
he can be happy, if I'm not in his life
his life would be better without me
without me, the one who destroys herself
destroys herself physically to feel alive
to feel alive, because most of the time I'm dead
I'm dead because I'm human
I'm human because I crave love

#love #depression

346 · Aug 2014

us

Michelle M Diaz Aug 2014

us

I run, hide, and disappear
you stay, fight and rule

I wish I could be more like you

#10w #random

334 · May 2014

Today

Michelle M Diaz May 2014

Today

hey you okay?
I'm fine
just dandy
no reason why I wouldn't be
are you sure?
no
Yeah, totally, I'm fine
you wouldn't care either way
your just curious, you can't help
I'm just tired
Okay, Just making sure, you know I'm here for you right?
no, your not, you can't be there at 4:21 am when I'm breaking down...
Oh yeah Totally, talk to you later okay?
Yeah of course, see ya!*
no one actually cares, they don't want to know, I'm tired thats true, but I'm the kind of tired that never goes away I'm the kind of tired that makes me want to go to sleep and never wake up, I'm the kind of tired that makes me numb. I'm an unfixable, explosion of tired that should't even be alive

I had a really rough day and I just hate lying.....There's just somethings I can't talk about....

#truth #depression #death #anxiety #voices