I want to be your endgame, I want to be the person that people knew you'd end up with.
I want to never have to know what it would feel like without you in my life.
I want to run my fingers through your hair as I study your sleeping face, it was my favourite thing to do.
I want to wake up next to you and lean over just so I could hug you and breathe in your musky scent.
I want to grow with you by my side, pushing me toward success while I do the same to you; your hand clasped with mine tightly.
I want to hear you softly sing to me and smile into our kisses.
I want you to know how to calm me down when I'm overwhelmed and make me laugh when I don't feel like smiling, I want to be able to do it to you too.
I want all of you, your flaws, your past, your insecurities, your present self and I want to know your future self.
I want to wake up five years from now, and go into our daily routine we will eventually have or just spend the entire day inside just for the hell of it.
I want consistency and I know you can give me that if you want.
I don't want this back and forth any more, I know what I want know. Hell I always knew I wanted it but I was afraid of what the world would say, and now that they have moved on from the topic of you and I.
I know; it was stupid and idiotic to feel that way then but I don't feel that way now.
I want movie dates with you.
I want the bad parts to, the arguing and bickering.
The angry tears and sad ones. I want you to see me vulnerable and know how to fix it.
I want you to come to bed every night even though you're mad as hell with me or the other way, and opt to stay even when I say 'go' because I won't mean it.
I want you, just... you.

I still love you, you know?
I still wish I can see you and just be in your presence; it comforts me
And although it seems like there is and will always be a million reasons why we shouldn't be together- I look at you and I can't think of anything else but the intensity within your eyes;
Sometimes I wish we met under different circumstances. Like in a store or by mutual friends because maybe things would be better, I wouldn't have held back so much feelings and would've gave you my mind, body and soul.
I know, I know I still can.
But I'm afraid of all the million different reasons we shouldn't be together; I wish you were here.
'Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same'

You make me feel alive, in every single way.
To your continuous jokes to your gentle kisses.
I love having your arms wrapped around me at night and though I never liked cuddling, I love when you cuddle me.
I love how you love my son. I love how you love every single flaw of mine because I love yours too.
And I feel so stupid for ever second-thinking everything.
I want to wake up to you in the early mornings, our bodies next to each other, our messy hair and your grin as you stare at me.
I want your eyes only on me, like I'm this beautiful piece of art. Like I'm the Mona Lisa Smile.
Like the way I look at you, I regret not letting my true feelings out.
Not letting you feel all of the love I harbour for you, not letting you feel every single word that will be tainted in the back of your mind.
I have so much to say, so much I want to tell you.
I just hope you let me say these words and that you let me put my arms around your neck as you push me against the wall to get that first kiss that is long overdue.
I hope you let me love you the way I wanted to.
I love you, so **** much.
All I can really say is;
You had my heart, you have my heart.
We fell apart, let's make a new start.
With just you and I.

I don't need you but I want you,
I will survive if you aren't in my life but I don't want to,
I can get by without your jokes and soft kisses but I don't want to,
You will always be the best choice I've ever made even if at the time it didn't seem like it to either of us.
I got afraid at the intense love and affection that you brought as soon as you walked into my life.
You gave everything to me and while I didn't give everything to you, you accepted it because you had most of it. You didn't need all of me and that was okay.
I think you knew one day, soon that I'd eventually give you everything and I'm here now.
Wanting to give you all of me, every fragile flaw and overly sensitive heart and mind.
I want you to have it, please.
I don't need you but I want you.

I can feel myself getting bad again, staying in bed constantly
Closing the curtains to leave my room almost completely dark
I feel the weight on my chest getting heavier
I stare at the messages I receive without replying
I simply don’t have the mental strength
I feel myself falling into that dark hole that I tried so hard to get out of
I need help
But I can’t see no one around
Just me, myself and I
And that’s not enough to last the night

I miss you already and you’ve only left my life since yesterday

You want to know how you make me feel?
Safe, comfortable, and in love. But the most important factor here is that I find a home in you.
Within your arms and within the tiny spaces between your heartbeat.
I live there, that's where I've lived for a long time.
Do you know that? Do you know but just don't went to acknowledge it? Or do you know and you're fine with it because you exist within me too.
I don't know if I'm holding you capture but the selfish part of me doesn't want to let you go. Not for anyone.
Now how does that make you feel?
You're this person who feels so deeply and you know what you want, but is that still me? After everything?
Because it's still you after everything and will always be you.

I have never wanted forever with anyone before,
I’ve wanted a life time,
I’ve wanted another day,
I’ve wanted another minute,
But never will I want an eternity with someone who doesn’t want an eternity with me.

I really wish I wouldn’t dream of you,
Especially when it’s you telling me how much you’ve missed me

my heart continues to hurt, achingly, but the one thing is each passing day it does hurt less by a fraction .

The shrine I hold all the important people in my life is beginning to crumble, piece by piece.

All the pedestals are falling and I don’t have enough strength to catch them before they shatter:

The destruction around me is a distraction of the real pain I hold inside.

You see, as I watch my once priceless possessions begin to break and fall apart, I am the one that’s breaking and falling apart.

It’s like I am trying to seek help with duct tape over my mouth and my hands bound behind my back, chained to the floor of my inner mind.

When my shrine is in rumbles, here I’ll lay in the middle of the mess, unmoving and hopeless.

I see a pair of eyes on me and just for a split second I stare into those deep brown eyes, they change into yours.
They're watching my every movement of my swaying body but it's not the attention I want from just anyone so I let them stare.
I close my eyelids and picture that you're the one leaned up against that bar, watching me and I can feel the tingling feeling going down my spine.
I'm dancing for you and you're not even here.
Every stride is fuelled with hoping that you're looking my way, the way you did that night on New Years.
The flashing lights change from red to blue and I'm not in a bar full of strangers but in the living room of where our eye kept meeting.
Then I open my eyes as the song ends and the adrenaline is leaving my body, I look quickly around the room even though I know you're not here.
I wish you were here.

I had to let him go so he would find true love

I had to let him go to protect him

I had to let him go so I wouldn’t waste his time

I had to let him go because I know I’m not the right one for him

Even if it pains me for a long time, I had to let him go because I love him

Once when I was younger I was helping my mom set up the Christmas decorations and she dropped a clear tack onto the grey furry carpet and before I could say anything she bent down and began to look for it by running her hands along the carpet.
“Why are you doing that? Won’t it hurt if it sticks you?” Eight year old me asked with concern.
“Maybe but it’s better than you or your siblings finding it by stepping on it.”
This was the moment I began to understand that my mom would hurt herself before she ever hurt her children.
The moment I began to understand the love of a mother.

I spent a great deal of my time speaking and giving my attention to one person,
That when it’s time to put myself out there, I genuinely don’t know how,
It doesn’t mean I’m not trying, it’s routine for me to speak the way that I do expecting that the world is exactly like them,
Trying to redirect my brain and my heart is the most difficult part of moving on,
But I’m trying

I watch the way he looks at her, and come to the conclusion that I want someone to look at me that way too.

I miss you in my life, at every turn you would be there, ready for me to mumble on about the drama in my life
and
now that seat is empty where you sat and the hole in my soul is gaping open ever since you left, letting all of the kind words you once spoke to me drift through and disappear into the wind.

Someone had once told that the greatest love of my life will leave a permanent scar on my heart,
That they will leave a fire within me that will never burn out,
And now I want nothing more than for him to come and ignite the fire he started in my soul, so it burns so bright that I feel as if I’m living off the fumes alone,
I want him to turn back and tell me once more, that he loves me.

But what do you do when no where feels like home?

my heart is heavy tonight as i watch the snow fall outside from the foggy window,
i feel so alone in my own house since i was foolish enough to make my home in the arms of a man who sold to a higher bidder

It was my dream where I almost felt your finger tips run along my face, where I almost felt your hand rest on my neck as you stared at me.
My heart clenched with happiness until I realized that this was only a dream. I'd wake up cold and alone soon but I drank every second I had with you.
As you twirled me around the living room floor. Your laugh echoing in my ears and travelling down to the deepest parts of my soul that only you can reach without knowledge.
'Do you think I can do anything?' I murmured when you sat next to me on the stairs.
I closed my eyes wishing just once, I could feel your body pressed against mine. Feel your breath on my ear as you whispered.
'You can do anything you want to'
I rested my head onto your arm.
'I love you' as you faded and then I opened my eyes to darkness, loneliness and the quiet of my room.
You faded but all of the emotions stayed.

they say men are foolish and stupid with love,
but have I told you about the girl who missed out on the one chasing the idea of another great love.

I put my feelings out there for you to know, for you to react to.

Instead all I got is the answer I needed to know, time to let you go.

This tiresome circle we keep going through, is finally going to end.

I love you, but you don’t feel the same way.

It is hard to keep it all in when it feels like it’s constantly swirling inside of you, creating hurricane forces so strong that you feel as if the pain will tear you apart

I’m unsure of the life I’m chasing, this doesn’t feel quite like me, nothing I can think of doing in this small little town does.

I long to rest my eyes on the different cultures and people of this world.

I feel like I’m chasing dreams while I sleep, I sleep so often to escape from a life I’m tired of living.

But at the same time I am so content and comfortable, what kind of dilemma am I in?

he comes and goes whenever he pleases and I let him,

he says all these beautiful words and then doesn’t reply for days and I let him,

he makes me feel like we really are going to be different this time and then acts as if I don’t exist and I let him,

How do I stop from him being a revolving door?

Why do I even try, for someone who won’t move a muscle for me.

What is there left?

I feel like you're finally done with me, like you're just done with my indecisive mind. My chaotic thoughts and I don't want you to be.
How do I change your mind? Can I change your mind?
Would you even want to change your mind?
Do you even want me anymore?

Sometimes, I feel like I’m going to be okay. Like I’m going to be happy for the rest of my life.
I feel like everything is panning out the way it’s supposed to. I’m on the right track. I’m getting where I need to be.

Almost there. One day. Soon.

Then it’s like I get pulled underneath the tidal wave, sweeping me into the deepest spots of the darkness.

And I think, what’s the point?

I sit here inhaling slowly and exhaling even slower
It's been months since I last seen you, months since I last heard from you
But that's not supposed to bother me right?
And you know what? I hate that it does.
I hate missing you and I hate knowing I will probably never have that chance again.
I hate the way our memories send chills down my spine and I hate the way I feel.
You're forbidden to me, forever lost.
Forever reminiscing on how we were, on how you constantly made me feel.
You don't even know how you made me feel because I kept so much away, covering up all my feelings by using other people. Hiding away the truth from anyone knowing, even you.
See, you've only witnessed a fraction of how much I cared.
I fooled everyone right?
And now.. I sit here, my heart hammering in my chest trying to convince myself, 'push the feelings away please!' they can't matter anymore.
But in the end, to me at least, they do.

You were one of the few people I could talk to, you didn’t make me feel so crazy for feeling the way I do and did.
You walked next to me in life promising that you’d always be there.
But you left so abruptly that I can’t really wrap my head around it and I can’t go to you with how I’m feeling because it’s you that I lost. It’s you that’s making me feel these things.
So I will suffer in silence and just let you go, for good this time.
I can feel the invisible tears threatening to become real ones, and I just don’t know what to think right now..
I wish I didn’t let you in.

I know the truth that’s deep inside of me, I know who he is, the one that haunts my dreams.

I know the man I created in my dreams is, I just didn’t want to admit it.

I just can’t admit it in the waking world because no matter what I do, nothing will ever change.

But I can’t keep it in anymore, it’s sending me in a dark world where only I exist.

It’s as if my subconscious also knows that this secret I carry all alone is for me only.

I know that much. And I wish things could be different.

I went weeks without hearing your name, and without uttering it aloud.
I heard your name today and it felt like a punch to the gut.
Will I always be this way when it comes to you?
I just want to be okay.

In a parallel universe, you and I are meeting for the first time, outside some hotel you’re at and I’m getting out of the vehicle, and our eyes meet for the first time, a shy smile splitting on both of our faces.
In a parallel universe, you have my face cupped in your hands, you telling me that you love me for the first time and me saying it back with so much conviction before you give me our first shared kiss.
In a parallel universe, we can’t keep our hands off one another, laughing and sharing kisses as we lay together in bed for the first time.
In a parallel universe, we both wake up after the first night spent together in each others arms, soft kisses are shared, soft whispers of how much we love each other as we’re wrapped in our own universe. Our own world. Where only you and I exist.
In a parallel universe, we spend the entire day together, your hand always finding my own to hold, you catching me staring at you for no reason but the fact that I love you so much.
In a parallel universe, you give me your heart and I give you mine.
In a parallel universe, there are no goodbyes, only good nights and good mornings.
In a parallel universe, we share a lifetime of firsts and share a life time of lasts before we both cross over to the afterlife, where we wait for one another.
In a parallel universe, we are happy and we are whole and we are us.

Oh kindred one, how strange that the world wants you to be kind but when you think about it, has the world ever been kind to you?


I didn't think so, but, however, please don't stop being another soul in this universe that we do not deserve but desperately need.

And truth is,

their effort is their answer

but another truth is,

your silence is your reply

will you be the beggar or will you get the last laugh?

I don’t feel quite alright, won’t get to hold her curly fur in my arms anymore

Bury my face into her neck

I just feel disassociated with life itself right now

Which way is up? Which way is down?

Why did I try and go to someone I know isn’t around

I feel even more lonely than I did before

Perhaps it’s all my fault since I opened the door

The door to my heart, if you’re wondering what

I don’t know what the **** was that

so fragile I feel right now but I must go on, I can’t be left alone

I’ll carry my grief and learn to live with it, as I did with other things in my life.

I wanted to run to you the moment I heard the news, the moment my world seemingly fell apart, I still want to but you’re not there anymore.

You finally went away and I know you’ll be great.

Still.

I wish I could send you a text but if I delivered that message, it wouldn’t send, it would never reach you.

And I know it’s better for you.

I just wish it was that easy. But life isn’t ever that easy is it?

I lay here, tears streaming down my face.
Choking back the cries of pain that want to escape, I'm so **** tired of putting on a brave face for everyone.
I can feel myself getting chipped away; lost in the wind and my mind almost gone.
Memories eat at me, every time I close my eyes. They're there, reminding me that they'll always be there.
I can sit there silent with a smile on my face while on the inside I'm screaming in agony, begging for the continuous endurance of shear pain to stop. Breaking apart, falling to pieces but you'd never notice right?
I wrap my arms around myself and cry when I'm alone.
No one has to know, I'm fine.
I'm not, staring into the mirror is so troubling.
I'm falling apart and this is my final scream before the light goes out.
I'm already gone, too far gone.
I stare into the mirror and don't recognize the girl staring back at me.
I'm sorry..

Auntie? Are you proud of me?
As you watch me learn and grow from above,
Are you proud of how far I’ve come?
Do you shed a tear to see how strong I am?
Do you wish you were here to witness how much of a lady I’ve become?
Do you wish you could be here for your sister? My mom?
Do you wish you could guide her in the right direction in life? Far from the bottom?
Auntie? Can you see me typing this poem wanting nothing more than to wrap your arms around our family?
Hoping that your prayers and wishes become upon us?
We’re so lost without you auntie, I wish you had never left.
I wish you were still here protecting everyone.

During the silent cool nights, the messages being passed back and forth almost daily now,
I still feel as if I'm going to continuously vie for your attention.
'Pick me, pick me' my heart calls out to you but you don't hear.
You say all you can give me is comforting words but all I want is you near.
A tear drop slides down my cheek and I feel the knife digging deeper into my chest, breaking the barriers that I built solely off fear and pride.
I laid it all out on the table for you, piece by piece and now I read words that are in the silence.
Should I have not said that?

Why can I just move on from you?

Why won’t you just let me go?