Why can I just move on from you?

Why won’t you just let me go?

During the silent cool nights, the messages being passed back and forth almost daily now,
I still feel as if I'm going to continuously vie for your attention.
'Pick me, pick me' my heart calls out to you but you don't hear.
You say all you can give me is comforting words but all I want is you near.
A tear drop slides down my cheek and I feel the knife digging deeper into my chest, breaking the barriers that I built solely off fear and pride.
I laid it all out on the table for you, piece by piece and now I read words that are in the silence.
Should I have not said that?

You're hurting and all I want to do is heal you.
You're lost and all I want to do is show you the way.
You want to die and all I want to do is give you reasons why you should be alive.
You can give me all of you and all I want to do is nurture you in all the ways that bring you pain.

This is a declaration of what you mean to me, how you make me feel, and how I hope I make you feel.
This is it; I love you.
I'm so in love with you that it horrifies me sometimes. I'm filled with angst at how badly I want to grab your face and make you listen to the words tumbling out of my mouth; like word *****.
How the deepest and sacred parts of my being is deprived of you, how I deprived myself of everything you give me. What you gave me without having to ask.
This is me, giving you everything I can offer without you knowing and figuring out one day that all along it was you.
In the warm summer nights to the blistering winter blizzards.
You're nestled deeply into my veins and swimming through my blood stream. And it's intense.
What I have is intense feelings.
This is my declaration that I will love you; the person who could make me laugh without even being in the same city as me, who could make the blush appear on my face at the mere thought of your eyes skimming the depths of mine.
That I will love you till the end.

It’s time to stop trying, to stop giving and receiving the same result in the end

Please be careful with my heart, it’s barely being held together.
Just by tape and glue.
Please be careful with my soul, I almost lost it.
It’s had enough blues.
Please be careful with my body, it’s been through too much pain.
T.L.C. is over due.
Please be careful with my fragile mind.
Sometimes I don’t know what to do.

People come into our lives at every chapter, shaping us in different ways,
Some good and some bad,
How did you become both?

I took all of the hurt you gave me, and turned it into beautiful words.

I took all of the pain you gave me and turned it into something people will relate to.

The monster behind my fears and nightmare will be free and I'll have to start looking over my shoulder again, afraid that he's watching.
A prickling anxiety that when the phone rings or there's a knock at the door that it's him.
I just want to curl up in a hole at the very edge of the world with my tiny human underneath me.
I have this strange feeling, an unsettling feeling that I'm going to die very soon.
As long as that monster is free, I will always feel at the brink of death.
Trapped in my own world, no one must know.
I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't think I can.
I'm sorry to everyone who loves me, but I've made up my mind.

i thought i had wanted this, you know, i couldn't deny the way he made me feel.
it had to mean something right? but in the late hours of night i find myself wondering why he make me feel so low yet so high at the same time

I feel torn in half,

there’s two of me inside my body, both who crave two completely different things

two things I still don’t know how to mange to get

the brighter side of me, she’s a crazy outgoing woman

she wants to see every peak of this world and then to do it all again twice

she wants to dance in a club with music she has never heard of but it makes her sway her hips anyway,

she wants to constantly be on the move

she wants to find people who will love her all over the world, she wants to put her feet in every ocean

she wants a lifetime to be alone and not be lonely.

then there’s a the warmer comfortable side of me, she craves to want to wake up every morning with her husband while her children jump on the bed to get in between the both of them on Saturday mornings

She wants family camping trips and weekly dinners with the love of her life

She wants to build a steady home, grow roots, something she’s never had

she wants to learn how to make all sorts of things and cook big family dinners

she wants to go to every baseball game, every ballet recital, every competition, then to go home to her kiss her husband who makes her feel alive

she wants to be in love with love again, she wants nothing more than for someone to sweep her off her feet and make a home with her

what path do I choose?

I will never be enough will I?

I will always just be the one who was ‘just enough’ or ‘almost’

I will never be their first pick, I’ll be picked because I was the last one who was desperate enough to stay.

I will forever be just the person who has never been enough and that *****.

It makes me not want to be involved with anyone.

It makes me want to remain alone for the rest of my days.

I won’t entrap anyone in a terrible life with me.

I won’t force anyone to be with me.

I would rather spend a lifetime alone than to let someone step into this misery.

The goals I’m setting for myself is within reach, they’re there and they’re achievable.

I will make it there, one day at a time

With the help of many along the way

I remember the nights of crying myself to sleep because of him, because I had missed him greatly and because I didn’t want to let him go

but I found weakness in missing him but also found strength in letting him go

and life has been better since

I can tell my heart is just not in it anymore
Overtime, I just sort of fizzled out
All the hours I spent, time, and energy
I dread having to go back there but I know for one thing, and it’s that, I do love my people I’ve met along the way
Realizing that I do not enjoy my job anymore has been eye opening and heartbreaking
I can move along the way the river intended, always drifting and always changing
However, I will miss my people when I go and it’s time for me to go soon.

I wonder if the pain would still remain if I could forget he ever existed in my life?

Would my heart still bleed if I just simply forgot about him?

Would the pain be the same but I wouldn’t know where it came from?

I’m beginning to realize how much I’m distancing myself from those who I love,
and if I’m being honest, I’m finding it hard to give a ****.

sometimes I wish I didn’t have to talk at all,

wish they could read what I’m trying to say by looking at my tired expression

I don’t care about any of it

I don’t care who is kissing who and I don’t care about who my past lovers are seeing

sometimes I wanna scream so loud because I am so lost

I don’t know my next step, I do know what I want to do but I would have to do it alone and something is holding me back

my biggest fear is being hurt the same way i got hurt in the past,
like
how am i just going to let it happen again?

I could write about my New Years resolutions, how I want to live a healthier lifestyle, how I want to find something I’m passionate about, how I want to see more of the world

But I also want to find love again, within myself, within the people I am surrounded by, with someone who understands that love doesn’t conquer all and they will meet me in the middle.

Instead of writing about how heartbroken and sad I am, I want to write about how I’ve fallen in love again.

2022 will come with it’s challenges but I want the mental stability to accept those challenges.

I let myself fall into the comfort of your arms again, I let myself end back at square one again, I let myself stare into your eyes while I whisper how much I loved you again, I let myself be completely yours again, I let myself believe that we will make it this time.
I pull you from the darkness, guide you to the light and you show me the love I have craved since you.
I will never be able to love another like I love you and that’s okay with me.

i miss you so dearly, so much that it feels as if it physically hurts me when I remember all of the good,
why didn’t we last?

There was something she was missing, some part of the puzzle piece.

Something wasn’t right and she couldn’t figure out what it was.

All she knew is that whenever she figured it out, she knew it was going to change her life.

She just couldn’t comprehend how much

He makes my heart happy, a little sad at times but when he wants to, he can make me feel like I’m going to burst with happiness

Just because he doesn’t call me names and makes me feel low about myself, doesn’t mean he’s not toxic

Just because he doesn’t make me question my confidence and self reassurance, doesn’t mean he’s not toxic

Just because I don’t lie awake crying over him, doesn’t mean he’s not toxic

Just because he’s not making me feel as if I shouldn’t love myself, doesn’t mean he’s not toxic

Sometimes I lay awake wondering if I mean anything to him at all

Sometimes I want him to message me during the day to let me know he thinks about me instead of late at night when I know he’s had a couple drinks

Sometimes I wish he would get angry with me just so I know he truly cares about me

I don’t cry myself to sleep over him, but I lose sleep over him

I don’t question whether I love myself, I question if he loves me correctly and in the way I deserve

Sometimes I wish I could let him go, just for the sake of finding someone who knows

I miss him like the moon misses the sun and I know he will still be there if I decide to go back

But I don’t want to miss him, I’m not the moon, and he’s not the sun.

I miss our conversations like an artist misses their paint brushes.

But I don’t want to miss our conversations, I’m not an artist and he’s not my paint brush.

I miss him when he was my person, but I’m not his and he can’t be mine again.

I dream of going to a far away land, where no one knows me,
I can make new plans,
I can be who I want to be,
Do what I want to do,
I can feel like I can leave the troubles of my past behind me, like the ashes of a fire that burns much too brightly, as they dust away into nothing.
My mind is always going to that place, that time, that situation that makes my heart race.
A fresh start is what I desire, what I crave and what I want to chase after
The girl who stares back at me in the mirror, I don’t quite know who she is
With a tired sigh, I throw my hair up in a ponytail, grab my keys and go on with my routine, a far away land seems even further than it is, as I get in my car and drive to my daily job.

Maybe in another life time..

I’m currently walking this fine line of pain and trying to be fine.
I’m dizzy and not sure how to put one foot in front of the other.
Wish I could forget about you.

Do you think it’s quite possible to be addicted to someone?

We talk about addictions surrounding alcohol, cigarettes and other extra curricular’s but

I could go months without a drop of alcohol but I can’t seem to go twenty four hours without a message from him

I don’t know the best course to take here, is there such thing as cold turkey from someone so addicting?

I feel the effects of the addiction to him coming on strong, I can feel in my heart that he doesn’t make me happy anymore but for some reason, I can’t let him go and it frustrates me to no end.

I’m always preaching that I want to change who I am,

yet,

I am unwilling to do the unnecessary steps so I remain as a self destructive person

I really do want to be better, that’s all I really want.

and he tamed her the only way he knew how, knowing that it worked every time.
&
she wished that this time he would keep his promise to not hurt her again, for she can’t handle another betrayal

Did you miss it?

The moment you realize your life passes by, did you ever sit back at on a Sunday morning, breathing in the cool air from the rain and the birds are chirping and for a split moment, did you ever think about all the choices you made that lead you to this day.

Where would you have been if you taken that chance to move to a far away city?

What people have left your life and you’d thought you’d have them until you’re sitting in your rocking chair, grey hair and all. Do you miss them?

What about that trip you planned but never got to take, do you wonder about all the sights and different food you could have seen and ate?

What about that last fight with your first love, the one that ended you two, do you wish you could have stayed and worked things out?

What about the moment you met your forever person, are you glad that you’ve met them and want to be with them until you draw your last breath?

We’re always so worried about the present and future. Did you ever take a seat and wonder about your life before you became that writer, before you became someone’s parent.

Did you miss it?

I never got say thank you to you,

For giving me our son,

For giving me the true meaning of love,

She just wanted to be loved again, by the right person and at the right time.

Today on the last day of the year, I wanted to give up.
To give into the voices, the voices that tell me that I can never do anything right.
I wanted to curl up into a ball and just let everything continue to fall off my shoulders, crumbling until there’s nothing left but the dirt in my grave, six feet deep.
I’m tired and I don’t know how I’m going to last another year like this.

This journey that him and I have been on has not been without it’s trials
It’s near misses
It’s almosts
It’s “how about another time?”

It’s been quite a journey these passed few years and I know in my heart that I’m ready for new adventures

He has to stay and go on his own
He can’t come with me this time

It took a long time for me to get to this point, this moment, this freeing moment

And I’ve come out stronger because of it

I had wanted it to be until the end of my life but only made its way to the end of this chapter of my life

I do not grieve it

I do not wish things were different anymore

A journey where we lose people is normal, I do not wish I wasn’t losing him

I wish him well and health

But I wish happiness for me along the way

I am happy for those around me who continue to change and grow in their lives

I am so incredibly happy for them

But I still feel as if I am stuck, running in circles, trying to make sense of the mess in my head

I feel this aching feeling in my chest at the thought of being left behind, trying to find comfort in someone when I know in my heart, that is not what I want

I am happy and content, why should I want to have someone there?

I am happy with who I am, so why do I feel as if I’m missing out?

I live in a world where it’s normalized when my friends and families other half to be jealous of every single person.
My younger sister can’t be trusted to be alone with me otherwise we’re automatically out drinking, I don’t even drink.
My eldest brother can’t come visit me in my new home because I have a very good female friend who lives with me, I moved in just down the road.
It felt so normal that my ex wouldn’t let me come home to see my family without him because he didn’t trust me, he thought I would go sleep with someone else.
Why isn’t there any trust in my world? I broke up with my ex over the fact he could not trust me.
And I’m afraid to enter another relationship where trust won’t be given at all.

I no longer want to wonder what a life with you would be like, I don’t want to wonder if you would kiss me every morning or if we would grow old together

Because you’re not changing and I want nothing more than to evolve into a different person

Someone who blossoms like the flowers after an April shower

I want to realize my worth the way people do in books

I want all of my ending chapters to be meaningful and adventurous

To leave you behind and the love I thought I would die without, is something in willing to trade for a happier life

Loving a narcissist is a mistake I will never make again.

For I now know the fine line between a good time and a good soul.

You most certainly can’t mistake the two, even though somehow I did.

Never again, will I ever let him in.

I crave just to see you once more, to hear your voice once more, to feel your touch once more, to gaze into your eyes once more.

But I also know, that it will never be enough for me, because I’ll keep wanting ‘once mores’

I know I need to let you go now and learn not to crave for your return.

I fell to the bottom alone
I sunk so far alone
I don’t want to be alone anymore.

The toxic thing about me is that I search for the excitement and happiness he gave me in everyone else

And I get disappointed when I can’t find it.

I say I miss ***, but what I really miss is the moments leading up to ***. The slow kisses that turn into passion and lust, rubbing your hands anywhere on their body because you just need to feel closer to them, I miss the quiet moments where you’re taking off each other’s clothes and you just have to stare into their eyes for a brief moment, never wanting that moment to end.
I say I miss sec but I also mean after ***, when you’re lying there with your other half. Some parts of your body is sore and tender, you feel the release of your pent up energy leave your pores and you lay there pressed to the person, you decide that their nakedness is the warmest feeling in the world.
I say I miss *** but that would be a lie. I miss being in love the most.

I am so tired.

I knew that I had truly loved you when I realized that settling down with you didn’t scare me.

No, the only thing that scared me was the thought of losing you forever.

But I’ve learned to face my fears time and time again and I won’t hesitate to let you go if it will help me.

I listen to the same three songs on repeat on night, when I can’t sleep, when I feel sad, when I miss you.

Am I living in your dreams?

Do you feel sad over losing me?

Do you miss me?

I love you, but I know, I have to let you go.