Was that it?
The moment we’ll remember
The rest of our lives?
That long, first real talk?
When we really met each other?
Was that it?
The moment we’ll tell our children
About when they ask how we met?
Will I see you again?
Could both of our lives be changing
From that one conversation?
I don’t know.
But just the possibility
Is so beautiful.

You *****.
I’m stressed
Uncomfortable
Aching
For no reason
Which makes me feel guilty
I ******* hate you
Except when you’re gone
And I go back to numb
Cold and dull
So I stare into an empty cup
That still smells faintly of a dark roast
And beg you to come back to me
Please, babe
I didn’t mean it...

I still love you
I hate myself for what I’ve done
I can’t stand missing you
Your absence weighs on my heart
I weep when you come to my mind
I hope you’re well
I hope things are better
I... I miss you...
And I... I still love you

There’s not much left
My wounds are healing
Scars fading
And all I can think about
Is adding a few more
To my collection

cold heart
cold veins
cold limbs
you can’t rouse me
when i’ve flatlined.
simply don’t care
your pain doesn’t bother me
though i’m the cause.
scream all you want
cry for my soul
it doesn’t matter
i’m quite content
to remain cold
this all-encompassing numb
is far preferable to feeling, caring

except...

There’s this bit of me
Desperate to feel
Aching to be aLiVE

What a dangerous combination
Apathy and desperation
I could do ANYTHING
I’ll take risks
Because why not??
Push myself as far as I’ll go
Out of sheer curiosity
Take that curve a bit too fast
Say what you know they’ll hate
Provoke them all
Like toys for a game
And of course,
Medicate to enjoy the day
Convince them you’re well
Let them believe you’re happy
Maybe even trick yourself...

but soon the day nears its end
lights dim and isolation grows loud
the highs wear off
each night lower than the last
i can’t wait to go numb....
TAKE IT AWAY

I’m unstable now.

Anything could happen.

You calmed my storm
Then I washed ashore
Puking and frozen
Half-dead
Suffocating
But alive, I suppose

The storm left me with
So many scars
That I don't know
If I will ever heal
So, why did You let me
Break like that

I'm sure I'll grow
From what I've learned
I know You have a plan
But right now
I feel like I've been damaged
I feel betrayed

I know it's not true
But that's how I feel
And maybe if I can own it
I can start to see
Why You let it happen
Because I just don't get it

I’m so terribly deceptive
I look sweet, don’t I?
I act kind, don’t I?
I speak wisely, don’t I?
Ahh, but you don’t see my heart
Within me lies corruption
I am fallen
I am broken
And truly, I love it
Which frightens me, sickens me
Yet I do not mean it any less...
There’s this potential within me
I could be so destructive
But I don’t want to hurt you, really...
So I guess I will have to do...

My mind is ill
But my heart is good
Problem is
I never know which
Is in control

This isn’t what I wanted...
How did I get here???
I used to be vibrant...
I have faded

Just **** me.
Your medicating doesn’t help
You won’t let me do it myself
I can’t enjoy anything
I don’t know why I’m living

That’s it...
Isn’t it?

That’s why you want
To feel the weakness in your limbs
For your body to fail
To tremble
To stagger and fall
Scarred and broken

That’s why you lust
After anything that offers
Alteration...
Caffeine for shakes and heartbeats
To impede focus
Work your body until it fails
Feel it giving out
Don’t eat... count the hours...
How long can you wait...?
Let blood sugar drop and spike
Take your meds, don’t fall asleep
Feel the heaviness of your eyelids
The fogginess of your mind
As you fight the encompassing night

Doesn’t really matter
Anything will do
As long as it’s clear
You’re struggling.
You’re in pain.
You’re done being strong.
Show them
Maybe someone will notice
Maybe someone will care

And if not...
You’ve had some fun...
Gotten a bit giddy...
Abused yourself a little...

I tried to run
I wanted to escape
From the chains I've locked
Around my wrists
And the shackles
Weighing down my feet
But I can't try what you all do
So I make up my own
My routines to flee
From this crippling sense
Of reality
And you tell me it's dangerous
But I honestly don't care
I almost hope it is
And you wouldn't let me
Try anything else
So I guess I'm just
Desperate

I’ve danced around it my whole life
Ignoring it
(Trying to anyways...)
Living my life to please it
Coated in a guilt like tar
Whether I do it wrong or right
It won’t leave me
Wounds built into me
Repeatedly burned into my being
And it’s so shallow
It makes no sense
But it was passed to me
It resides within me
A restlessness I’ll never escape
A mantra endlessly repeating

“Your body will never be acceptable”

tw: self harm


Instant
Powerful
Relief
To just
Stop
Fighting
And drag
The blade
Across
The
Wrist

I don’t remember when it was
Sometime in my childhood
In that jumble of hazy memories
When I prayed to God and said,

“Not my mind, Father
“You can have any part of me.
“Do what you will with my body,
“But please don’t take my mind.”

And somehow I knew
Laying there in my bed in the dark
That it was that which I loved the most
The only thing I held above Him

that was precisely what He would take.

tw self harm


Do you care about me?
What if I hold the blade to my wrist?
What if I tug it across?
What if I bleed out?
What if I’m dying?
Do you even care??

No. Well, maybe you would
But you’re so caught up in yourself
Keeping busy so you can ignore me
Pretend I’m not a problem
Pretend you shouldn’t worry about me
Ignore all the signs
Because you don’t really care
None of you do
And I keep making new scars
Because as long as you all continue
Hating and ignoring me
I’ll never have to show anyone
The lines I’ve drawn in blood

Stay alive
Another day
To drink away
Another night

tw self harm



There’s a monster in my head
She ***** every last bit of life from me
Leaving me empty and cold
Then she fills my mind with horrid thoughts
Ideas that should disturb and repulse me

Just give your wrist a little slit

                                  C’mon I know you’re bored

                Feel the sting of the wounds

  You'll feel alive...

But I must keep her caged
I mustn't listen to her lies
Lies...? Maybe....?
I can’t give in
Not yet
70 days is too long to give up
Especially the night before you’ll have help
So tonight
One more night
I keep her at bay
Imprisoned in my mind
But at least my wrist is clean

I won’t say it again.
I do not belong to you.
I am not your plaything.
You do not get to play games with me.
I am finished with you.
Your lies.
Your deceit.
Your abuse.
I will not answer when you call for me.
You made me feel like nothing.
But that is so far from true.
I have been given a value greater
Than you could ever dream.
I am done
With you.

I desperately wanted to understand
What makes the world like this
I wanted to have depth
To hold wisdom in my young head
Because I felt so shallow
Living in smiles
Never knowing pain
And I thought that was a problem
So, I found myself some turmoil
A little sadness here and there
Sat in pity waiting to be rescued
Hiding carefully for a thrilling chase
I played with my mind like a toy
But I wasn’t gentle, I wasn’t kind
I broke off bits I didn’t like
Now I’m not so shallow
I’m introspective and bright
But I lost so much more
From everything I cut out
I have turned hollow inside

Laying down with a clear head
No drinks, no extra pills
Just eyes full of tears
Heart painfully yearning
And my stomach empty... again

And there I was
Feeling the sweet flames
On my tongue
Down my throat
In my gut
For the first time
And all I wanted
Was more

There's a problem here
Something's wrong
My mind... it's so... broken
My heart needing... longing
Yet this body... this flesh screams of excess
Healthy and full, it would seem
How incongruent
I think... I think I'd like to fix it.
I'd like to see the marks on my limbs
Where you've lacerated my heart
Over and over again
And I have to return for more
I want my body to fail
Like my mind did
Like I want to
I want to go weak
I don't want any strength to be left
I want it to be clear
I require aide!
As long as I'm standing
Strong and smiling
I will never get what I need
I will never be noticed
You'll never notice!

However...
If I weakened myself
Starved... overworked...
Maybe even drugged
My mind and body
Faltering together
As one...
I'd take a step
And I'd stagger
Weak, frail
Body failing
Stumbling forward
Giving out
Breaking down

You'd notice
You'd see

I really don't wanna deal with the hassle
of having to tell my therapist
I cut myself because I got bored

Emptiness is encapsulating
I don’t want your drugs
I don’t want your help
I want to get worse and worse and worse...
Just a bit lower now
You can do it
A little longer and you’ll do something
You’ll become dangerous
Bleeding for fun
Just to feel something
To wake me from this hellscape

There’s nothing in life
A career is futile
Money is fictitious
My family wants to use me
My friends aren’t there for me
Dogs will age and fade too fast
I’ll always have to be sober again
My faith is nearly lost
(you can’t hear God’s voice when you want to die and your entire being is numb and cold)
There’s nothing to save me now
But the hope that a little more drugs
Will offer enough serotonin
To get through another ******* day

I think my mind is in pain
But it can’t quite tell my body
My thoughts hurt
They twist and writhe
And only through the seductive darkness
Of my tormented mind
I am made aware
That I’m not quite alright

I don't really trust anyone
I don't know if I love anyone
My heart is cold and dead
Black and hard
What am I doing??
I'm not getting anywhere
Just falling further behind
Further below
Further away

Show me my demise
And I'll embrace it
With a great sigh of relief

I don’t want the pills
I don’t want them
I hate this suffering
Existing
I’m so ******* sick of it
It just goes on and on
Steadily getting worse
And I watch everyone figure it out
Steady themselves
Find something to make them happy
But there’s no happiness in me
It’s not there to find
Void
And I would rather feel the sting of a blade
Than to suffer in this empty, broken existence

I just want to turn into the person you never dreamed I would be... not even in your wildest nightmares

Yeah no joke...
I can feel it creeping in
Slowly, gradually
Like natural fatigue
Ah, but I know better
This is far too intense
Far too pleasant...

It’s bizarre
I knew these songs would remind me
Of everything I went through then...
When I couldn’t eat
When I thought I was going to die
But for some reason...
I hit shuffle
And despite the painful memories
The flashbacks
Disorientation
Forgetting I’m not still there
Despite all that
I’m too intrigued to change songs

I want to feel something
Or nothing at all
But emptiness wrapped
In everything at once
Is utterly unbearable

I don’t want to believe in hope
Because if there’s hope,
I have to change
I have to be better
I can’t stay where I am
Wallowing in my misery
Looking for reasons for rage
Desperately searching to ease
The pain from my faceless abusers
But I don’t want to be better
I like this hole I’ve dug
To lie down in and die
I’m not crying for help
I’m just crying
But for nothing more
Than the fact that I know
That I cannot stay here
Because I know
That there is hope

I’m afraid of myself tonight
Of the thoughts within my skull
I’m afraid to be left alone with myself
With nothing to drown it out

I feel slow
My head is spinning
Faster...
Limbs heavy and awkward
I feel good
Finally

I don’t know which I hate more
Myself
Or the world at large
But I feel the rage
Swirling, boiling
In my chest
In my veins
And when I’ve directed at myself
All I can take
It bleeds out to the world
My disease
Spreading