Somedays I wake up completely haunted
Your presence incessantly daunting
Somedays I wake up with a dead weight on my chest
Unable to breathe
Somedays I wake up with sunshine in my hair
Your memory not there
Somedays I wake up with a wet face
In my dreams, it was you I chased
Somedays I wake up not black or white but all shades of gray
I often am silent through that whole day
Somedays I wake up okay
With nothing to say
Somedays I wake up burned and tattooed black
With your name scrawled across my back
But most days?
Most days, I wake up completely haunted.

Put me to shame
Who's to blame?
Had me fooled with your silly little games
Infatuated---a high,  a burning spark against the dark night sky.

Bright and ever so fleeting
Crashing and cold
icy comets falling from the stars
Now I stand
stranded
for you took me to sea
ripped the sails then decided to leave me be.

Like a little boy's paper airplane with bent wings
or a woman who has lost her voice and can no longer sing
Kite's on windless days
masterpieces painted on napkins, with the first intention of being thrown away.

Your eyes started to turn like the leaves of October.
By November a stillness settled around you.
The barren trees whistled your name.
My heart thudded in my chest.
December crept around.
Your gaze no longer held mine.
It snowed.
My hands were cold.

When the months turn cold, my heart turns to stone
When the colors fade, my chest aches
When the wind whispers my name
I shiver and silently beg, "No!"
My eyes flick up to the sky
I watch as the low dark clouds of my nightmares haunt me
I watch
Frozen in time, I choke on my caught screams
I clench my fists to my sides, and close my eyes
I sink into the storm as it surrounds me
I hold tightly on to the memories of you and me
I watch as reds and oranges reach the sky, destroying what little was alive.

I sobbed last night, really cried like I haven't in awhile. Not because of a broken love or scars burned and slashed across my heart, but because of the hatred that has consumed my heart, my mind and being. I was not okay with it, I am not okay with it. You cannot heal if you hold hatred so close to a place inside of you that pumps life to your very fingertips. You cannot. It turns your heart black and shrivels your veins, it turns your hands and feet blue and lifeless. It corrodes your mind slowly and destroys your being and the light which burns within. I will not be my own destroyer, I am a healer and I am special. I have something others do not with words, anyone can burn and break with words, but me, me I can heal. That is a gift and I know this. I have helped so many beautiful people around me with the advice I have given. I have watched them heal and become happy and their lives blossom because they listened to me and believed. Every time I give a compliment to anyone their eyes shine and I now know why. They sense my sincerity and then they are left with a touch of healing because of my true sincerity in everything I say. I do not mean any of that with even the slightest narcissism at all. I am simply amazed at how I was chosen to be given such a gift and I am so blessed and grateful for this kind of gift. I am not saying I am a clean carrier with no shadows haunting my every corner. That would not be true because I do. I'm saying I need to learn to control them and live with them, instead of living them. I am not saying I will not have dark sunrises, afternoons and sunsets. I am not saying I will not have my sad days because I know I will. I am saying I am going to try to have less and have more days where I listen to my shadows wisdom but act with the lights step and hands. I will not let go of my darkness because that is a vital part of me, without it I could not have realized this. It is a war having a spilt being of shadows and lights but I was given that because that is how you realize these things. In order to be a healer I believe you have to fight gruesome battles in order to know how to help heal others. It's taught me valuable things, my battles. Such a gift comes with a price, but seeing others blossom and heal because of advice I gave or a compliment given, that is love, that is priceless. You need the dark to see the light and it is only a matter of time before you do. I'm starting to see it.

Everything in over drive
I never felt so alive
Than with you by my side
Stars collided smashingly bright in the dark sky
Every time I shut my eyes, it’s a sparkling dark sea
No one compares to you
I’m so crippled with fear that when I surface you won't be near
Everything in over drive
Your love so intoxicating, asphyxiating
Making it hard to breathe
Your eyes always twinkle like starry night skies
But like I had feared, that twinkle had soon disappeared
Left with an empty, cold stare
Gone with the wind
Burnt out flames
and only ashes remain
Of what had once been.

‪I was just a temporary relief,‬
‪from the places you really wanted to be.
An escape,‬
‪but it never set you free.‬
It turned out to be a place,
that chained you and me.
Only it chained us separately,
confining you and me irreparably.

A bottle,
for your emotions.

Laugh they do,
"Bottling unable-impaired are we."

Deepest, softest, hardest
They cry.
Babbling, roaring waves waterfall into cascading hues.

Hues
A blind eye could see.
Color, color, color feeling
For vestiges of buildings and movie credits.

Bottle, bottle
Not me.

Color feeling instead.

You sent tremors of earth-quaking nerves through me
My tongue burned
My hands shook
Breathing was slow, fiery heaves of hopelessness

I carry a chest that is gutted hollow
Filled with leaden sadness
I choke on with each swallow

Silence muttered tears of shame
It cackled disappointment in my ears
You knifed words into my chest
Cracking my ribs
Tearing my skin
Tattooing my heart with your name
Although you swore you weren't mine

I'm sick of thinking about you
Thinking things over again and through
I broke me before you could
I tore my veins out
Ripped my seams
Shattered my skin
Reminded myself of all the things that couldn't have been

I carry a chest that is gutted hollow
Filled with leaden sadness
I choke on with each swallow

I released storms of pain
Letting it wreak havoc inside my brain
Self destruction
Build up
Break down construction

I'm tired of having you on my mind
Tired of your name on the tip of my tongue
Choking with every word expressed
Twist tied wrists
Bleeding ears remiss

I carry a chest that is gutted hollow
Filled with leaden sadness
I choke on with each swallow

Raw hurt blooms softly in my chest
With each morose, ragged breath
Everywhere I turn
You blur my vision purpled grays

You consume my head
As a drugged smoke
Seeping into my nerves
I scream hoping to shake you free
I sob hoping to rid myself of your toxic love
Desperate with each heaving shove

I carry a chest that is gutted hollow
Filled with leaden sadness
I choke on with each swallow

Silent rebellion of loud tears
I crumple to the floor of my heart
My hands shake
Breathing is slow heaves of fiery hopelessness
I swallow you in tiny circles
My hands shake
Breathing is slow wisps of death

I so very badly
Wish to be
The sheets wrapped around your
Body, all night long.
I so very badly
Wish to be
The sunlight that kisses your
Skin, softly as the sun rises.
I so very badly
Wish to be
the stars that captivate your
Sight, long into the night.
I so very badly
Wish to be
The melody stuck in your
Head, before you go to bed.
I so very badly
Wish to be
Everything you need.
I so very badly
Wish you to be
Here, lying next to me.
I so very badly, wish to be.

The decibel of your voice out beat my heart
I smoked you in with every pull of your toxic love
I exhaled you out with dull eyes

All I wanted was you
All I wanted was the moon
To make love to the tide on your shores
All I wanted was for the sun to shine
Where I stood
But the decibel of your voice out beat my heart

I screamed into the twilight corners of my room
I destroyed myself with pills
With hopelessness cough syrup
With colorful memory alcohol

All I wanted was to touch your skin
To breathe your scent in
All I wanted was to show you the lights of your shadows
All I wanted was you
"ALL I WANTED WAS YOU! YOU!" I scream at your picture on my wall.
"All I wanted was you, all
I wanted...." I whisper through cracking heaves of sobs.

Where did it go wrong
Where did it go wrong
Go wrong
I'm lost in translation
I'm sky high in breaking my rib bones
But the decibel of your voice still out beat my heart in your ears
It still out beat my heart
It still out beat
It still
Still
Still

You and I
Used to be like two branches intertwined
Now we stand separate as two trees.

How can that be?
To be together, yet feel so lonely?

Two many crows sit in my leaves
My limbs ache
from holding so much weight.

The wind doesn't whisper
It's silent
Like the space in between
You and I.

I lay in my bed as the heat seeps through the mattress. My hair sticks to my neck from sweat. The green blanket thrown over my window casts a sickly green throughout my room. Shadows dance and my mind grasps onto them tightly like a child on his mother's finger in an unknown place. There is a dead weight that lays across my body. A weight cemented into my skin that traps all the feeling inside of me....brewing a storm. Sobs shake my body as I scream into the corridors of my tunneled mind. Screams of "WHY!" over and over. Screams of your name, and screams of the pain you inflicted as you shoved your poisoned knife right through my heart with bloodthirsty knowing eyes. The lyrics to the song playing murkily float about my body. Rubbing salt in the wounds of your sick play time on my heart. The blanket over my window doesn't satisfy my hunger for the deep darkness my mind and heart crave so readily. So I grab the bottle of cough syrup with a tight face from salty tears and drown in it hoping your eyes will disappear for a little while and so will your name.

Every memory replays in my head like a symphony
Every kiss, oh no, I couldn't tell you how much I miss
Every word expressed circles my fingers and arms in a dark red distressed
Every slow movement shadows my world
I close my eyes, oh my, oh my, touch me slightly
Softly the sun dances across my skin exactly where your fingers should've been
I scream and shout but I'm trapped in you, there's no getting out
I've sunk in, drunk on dark waters incessantly drifting out and in
Knocking at your door, heaven, let me in.

I've been boxing with the pain for the past couple days and nights. I'm so scared, so scared of letting it win. I don't ever want to experience darkness to that depth again. I never fathomed the immensity of my fear until I awoke with its vice grip around my throat, making my vision blur with dots. I don't want to go back, I don't want to go back, I don't want to go back. The future seems to be a looming monster that feeds off of broken hopes and dreams because it's truly only the past. If time is a flat circle and it just keeps going in loops it's not present, there is no now. Now can't exist because as soon as now is now it's the past and it's gone. Then again maybe it's not because of the one uncountable instant that now seemingly happens and is the present. What exactly do I fear? Is it really the depth of darkness I fell into or do I fear the fear of it because that means I had no control over something in my mind? Do I fear the fact of my self absorption that leads me to admit that I'm powerless against the mechanics and systematic happenings of happening? Why am I so desperate to control the trajectory of my future? Because I know I'm powerless against the will of happening. I'm so desperate to control the uncontrolled and to prove what? To prove what? That I succeeded in bending the trajectory of something I shouldn't have? To prove that I have power? It doesn't work that way yet I will still sit in my stupid box pretending to be afraid of the darkness of which I evolved from, the darkness that I'm a product of. I will sit with a blindfold across my eyes with the stupid idea that my future is something to be controlled by sheer force of will.  Why am I so human? I guess I should say I'm fond of paradoxes.

Your hands, hungry
for they were emptied
reach into my heart, please do
Your eyes, searching and ravenous
for their light that was stolen
immerse yourself within my radiance, please do
Your ears, alert
for the music that had fallen flat
steal my voice, please do
Your fingers, cold
for your warmth had been a token, a silence that went unspoken
Your heart, broken
seeing that it incessantly beat for someone who had stolen
take mine, please do
Mine is of no use to me, for it seems to only love you.

Loving drugged me, so suddenly
I couldn’t tell if you made it rainy or sunny
But keep talking sweet like that, hunny.
Cause I’m tired and hungry
Feigning like a heartbroken ******
Loving drugged me, so suddenly
Now I’m a heartbroken ******.

I'm stuck in an in-between
and it seems to me
that to be in the middle
of an emotion
of a fear
is more tantalizing
than the engulfment of a solid knowing

I'm stuck in an in-between
and it's paralyzing me
Do I harden the door that sits in the pupil of my eye?
Do I fall to my knees?

I'm stuck in an in-between
and there's all this tension seeping out of me
in smothering screams
Do I lessen my grip on your gravity?
or Do I give more of my naivety?

I'm stuck in an in-between
and it's gonna make a black hole out of me.

Some things happen without your full awareness. These things come slow and then all at once it’s like a river rushing over you and you panic for a second. Your heart races and you can’t understand how it happened but it’s happening and it won’t stop happening. You’re not sure if you’re falling or flying. Maybe a little bit of both. All you know is that it sort of feels like you’re climbing mountains together and the sunsets you’ve been watching every evening are cascades of reds. The only thing you’re really sure of is that red is your favorite color.

Waking consciousness only deepens the breadth of the sickening settling confusion that blossoms so heavily in thorny crowns around my hands so that they are pinned to my thighs like how beauty marks litter your skin from too much time spent in the sun. I spent too much time basking in your black hole confused about how the light wasn’t shining on me...instead my light was being ****** in. ****** from my veins so that eventually every inch of my body was decorated with black vestiges of the rivers that once flowed blindingly white. It’s been six months of half a year, and my body is still sectioned out in slippery squares that feel so impossible to stitch back together. How can I still drown in the valley of our broken love if the pitcher that filled it has crumbled into tiny grains of sand, that I cannot hold with my hands? Oh Lord, won’t you reconcile this desert that settled on my heart? Oh Lord, oh Lord, oh Lord. I want to be found. I want to be found. Can you hear all the sounds that ricochet like tennis ***** against the tennis court? Oh Lord. It’s deafening from down here.

When stars twinkle, are they crying?
Crying because they are so far away from the skies they kiss as darkness descends?
Or is it, maybe, that the stars are whispering to one another, twinkling "I love you"?
Do they twinkle as tears because they are not near?
Near to their companion, who twinkles miles from afar?

I wanna make you feel waves of something
Waves unlike the motion of your sins

Let me strip your skin
Is that too deep? Cause from up in the trees, this path looks scary steep
Although I know, your laugh in my ear is something I wanna keep

I’ve had my eyes wide closed
My dreams colliding kaleidoscopes

I thought you were just a passerby but you said more than just hi
Sometimes I don’t know what to say
The words stumble away
Although I know, the feeling moves me like a drunk sway

Your fingertips brushed the shimmering sunlight dancing in between my trees
And suddenly, the tightrope time tied to me fell free  
My bare feet struck unfound grounds
Puddle colors exploded like how bass sounds
Although I still don’t know, where the music can be found
I do know, you’ve got me spellbound

I don’t know what I’m looking for
But I’m looking for something
And I keep ending up back at
“Everything is nothing”
Which means that nothing is something
And the thoughts refuse to stop coming
I know there’s no running

I cant escape being in this ring
Forever feeling like every direction is a haphazard swing
I can’t see a thing
Feeling like society’s puppet on a string
There’s a list I keep, sorta sloppy neat
But God tells me, “take a seat”
I yell back, “that’s no easy feat”

I don’t understand what all of this is for
Life feels like a game, except I can’t score
I can’t open the ****** door
They wanna say, “when life closes a door, it opens a window”
But all I see is a **** show
That’s not to say, I don’t see the beauty in how a river flows
That’s not to say, I don’t see the beauty in how the same river froze
You can tell me I’m dramatic, that I wallow in my throes
And yeah Lil *** told me, “that’s the way life goes”
But I’m fed up with everyone’s prose
I don’t want to believe that’s really how it goes

And so I sit with Robert Frost
At his two roads, curious at how he tells me he’s actually not lost
How it’s not left to the probability of a coin toss
That everyone just wants to be their own boss
Pretending that they aren’t nailed to their own cross

I don’t know what I’m looking for
But I think maybe I’ve been playing the game wrong
That there is no score which could lead to more
All I’ve got is a case of nothing being something
And that’s really nothing more
Than “everything is nothing” for sure.

You’ve been running around my mind
I’ve been stuck trying to find
the right words this time

I’m not tryna make you stay
I’m just tryna get you to talk about your day
Maybe get a little intellectual foreplay

Lemme be your baby
Lemme be your sunshine
Lemme make you mine
I’ll show you how a real woman loves
Hold you tight
Show you this might be worth the fight
I got you and you got mines

You told me time travel exists
But baby, then there would be nothing to miss
There’d be no wish to be
Us caught up in the sheets

I’ll soak you in like a summer night
Cause your company is like how my bare feet feel against warm concrete sidewalks
Like I said I’m just tryna get you to talk
Maybe take a midnight walk

I think we already do
We’ve been climbing mountains, me and you

There is no heartbreak like the heartbreak from loving someone who you can’t fully express it to.
You’re stuck, hanging, dangling from a rope.
Your palms are torn apart from grasping the rope so tightly.
Your fingers, purple from your blood.
Your emotions, blaring loudly cascade over you in flash floods.
Everything around you seems to be falling apart.
And you’re praying the only person you feel that can make it fall back together doesn’t let go of the rope.
Because the cracks in the sidewalk will swallow you whole.
Swallow you over and over until you are dust settled atop tectonic plates.

Like lead, you sit on my skin
encapsulating every beat, breath and emotion
My knees weak
My eyes swollen shut
Everywhere I turn something of you interrupts

The rapid fluttering in my chest
the tight heaving breaths

My mind clamors
every thought
so heavy against my ribcage

Like the poison you're drowning my veins in
I want to cross out your name
Rip you out from that moment
never to see, feel or hold again

My nerves ache
they scream to be let go