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Emily Feb 2019
It is 11:30 at night, and I wreak of essential oils
I believe I must be some sort of ethereal goddess to smell so good
I am ******
But I massage my body from top to bottom in unscented lotion and gently cover each body part in warn socks, sweater, sweat pants because
I am ******
I paint my nails and heat up a rice bag for my neck
I stretch out my muscles
I am happy with myself
I wonder why I am only happy with myself when I am ******
I imagine this working better when spoken
Sep 2016 · 599
In Words
Emily Sep 2016
In words
I am blind folded in a room and people are or are not standing around me
Either way, I cannot feel them**
In other words
I am missing a wire in my brain, the one that is shared between two people
It sparks when you make a connection with someone, a potential
Mine was never installed
That is
I have become such good friends with myself over the years
We are bored now and need a new playmate
So basically
I have taken the time to try and be “friend” but it never works
I know because I’m never invited to the late night McDonald’s trip unless I’m in the room
In plainer terms
I feel I have a presence that turns people away
With a glance they decide they cannot be my friend
Simply put
I think I’m lonely
And seriously lacking interpersonal skills
Oct 2015 · 675
The Space In My Head
Emily Oct 2015
I woke up feeling lost today
Head was heavy, sky was grey
Rolled out of bed and didn't pray
Today

And as I rolled, my head rolled too
It fell right off, as some heads do
I picked it up and tried to move
Today

Throughout the day it dragged behind
And tried in vain to fill my mind
With every fact and every line
Today

My head and I, we took a test
And after it had done it's best
It turned to me and said,
"We should have stayed in bed
for I cannot seem to find the rest
Today.''
Wrote this on my scratch paper during an Anatomy test
Jun 2015 · 703
He was the Night Sky
Emily Jun 2015
He was the night sky
so dark and alone
but he held stars within his bones
He was the ocean
mysterious and deep
sinking his boxes of secrets to keep
He was a war
at battle with life
falling in love with the world and a knife
He was a lover
he was a friend
and someone I hope will find peace in the end
Day #5
Emily May 2015
And as he leaves me with his words of wisdom
His blessing
I am expelling every sound he utters away from myself
I flinch from his touch
A pat on the back is like acid on my skin
In his presence I am forced to tape myself up
Whether it is to keep myself from exploding or from falling apart I still don't know
But there are times when my pieces begin to shake and quiver so violently that I start to leak and a storm rages in my head while the rain escapes through my eyes
It is in that moment that I scream at him to leave, without making a sound
And it scares me that he knows what I look like naked
because he has stared at women with my same body on the internet and has drooled over the same curves and lumps that I have
And it scares me how he can sound so sane. So sane that he convinces himself that he is stable
And it scares me that no one but me and my mother will ever truly understand how distorted his thought process is
All this fear and anger sit, rotting inside my stomach and at the center of the mass of hate, there is a spot of sadness for the good dad that left when I began to understand the things a young child should not be able to understand
Day 4
May 2015 · 903
Less Than Perfect
Emily May 2015
I would not ever, could not ever, settle for less than perfect
I will not show nor will you know until I think it's worth it
Now look at me and you may see a girl who knows her stuff!
A  go-getter who's talented and has no “good enough”

I would not ever, could not ever settle for less than perfect
The things I do to make it so, are things you don't suspect!
And when I find the things I do don't add up to the top
I start to cry and want to die and wish that it would stop

I would not ever, could not ever settle for less than perfect
At night I sometimes take a blade when I know I'm not worth it
I tried to stop the panic once, when I did something wrong
But ended up with stitches on my scars so red and long

All because I would not, could not settle for less than perfect
A Suess inspired poem
Day 3
May 2015 · 1.3k
This was a Mistake
Emily May 2015
Steel claws rip at open grounds
Chemicals ripe with poison flood into quiet waters
there is a sickness in the air tonight
the kind that scares the wary but suffocates all
Buildings grow where trees have collapsed
Blood and fur get caught in traps
Drive a car or grab an axe
the end is all the same

Steel claws with nothing to rip
Chemicals sitting in poisoned water
there is a sickness in the air
the kind that stretches your eyes
and brings the words out of your mouth too late
“This was a mistake”
Day 2
Emily May 2015
I thought
that my light
stopped you from wanting to bleed
But maybe
all along
I was scorching your mind with the heat
I thought
that by now
I could fix all the pieces I broke
But maybe
hearts don't fix
And the shards are now slitting your throat

And you know what's funny?

After men in shining armor blew past me
leaving nothing but a lesson to be learned
you'd think my selfish eyes would perhaps see
that my light does not shine
it burns
Day 1
Apr 2015 · 1.0k
Light
Emily Apr 2015
I wish that I
Could take your hands from off your eyes and help you find
the sun
I'll try
to open up the drapes and let the light in
on a face that's since been shadowed by a dark and gloomy past
and a mind that has a tendency to shatter like glass
Maybe you and I
could find some peace someplace with open windows
when I come undone I try to find the sun
So tonight
I think you need some light
Let me find some light
For Chad
Apr 2015 · 353
Dream #60
Emily Apr 2015
You slipped into my head last night
Made yourself at home
While dreaming me, with all her might,
wished to be alone

It seems no matter what I do
to keep you from my mind
You somehow manage to slip through
and make a mess each time

I lost the war and still I fight
I wish that it would end
For in each dream, and every night,
you break my heart again
Mar 2015 · 360
A Similar Sound
Emily Mar 2015
Once you've lived in a world full of darkness and pain
where the only sunshine that you feel is the rain
where your heart stops at least seventeen time a day
and you're forced by your own tongue to lie, "I'm okay"

where you've buried your hate in the holes in your heart
where you wake from a bad dream and can't tell them apart
where a hug from a friends feels like ice on your skin,

It's nice to find people who've been where you've been
Mar 2015 · 798
I Might as Well
Emily Mar 2015
I might as well be yelling, shouting, screaming at the rate this is going
Cursing the very ground you walk on
I could hand you my heart in a velvet box
and you would look at it as you would a keychain from Las Vegas

I might as well be laughing
Is there any more to do in such a situation?
Shoving your head against a wall will make you feel something, but the wall isn't going to budge

I might as well be sleeping, or trying
It would be so much more productive than lying here,
surrounded by all these bags of unanswered questions and imaginary conversations

In fact
I might as well be silent
Because no matter how heavy my restrained love may get to carry, or how paper thin my walls become around you,
no matter how desperately I hold your gaze or how genuinely you caress me in my dreams
You still refuse to take a fair risk
or give a fair chance
Sep 2014 · 1.9k
Black and White Faces
Emily Sep 2014
Lightning always strikes at least twice, in case you heard it wrong
And I've sewn patches everywhere, from lightning that has stayed too long but

I don't feel a thing
Wandering through these dirtied up places
If you only knew
Walking past these black and white faces

Thought that I saw a glimpse of blue but lost it in the crowd
So I am left alone again with patches sewn all over and now

I don't feel a thing
Wandering through these dirtied up places
Not much I can do
Walking past these black and white faces

Maybe we could grab a drink or two and talk about the world
Maybe you're the color blue that I've been searching for

I won't feel a thing
If I stay in these dirtied up places
Can you see it too?
Walking past these black and white faces
Colorless faces
Meaningless faces
Black and white faces
Sep 2014 · 1.3k
Little Fish
Emily Sep 2014
Big fish, little pond
Swimming round and round
Eating up their words of praise, I do not make a sound

Big fish, little pond
Growing large and fat
Wishing for a bigger pool but don't know where it's at

Big fish, little pond
Too big now to fit
Suffocating in this space that makes me want to spit

Little fish, big pond
Little fish is scared
Swimming in this land of sharks I do not feel prepared

Little fish, big pond
I can barely move
I thought I would be big by now, I thought I would improve

Little fish, big pond
Trying to survive
Wish that I was large, but here, I'm not even alive
Thoughts on my transition into college
I like rhyming
Sep 2014 · 1.0k
Marshlands
Emily Sep 2014
Feeling judged
Feeling down
Feeling like a silly clown
Feeling like my world is not and feeling like my soul is shot

Feeling tired
Feeling shy
Feeling like I don't know why
Feeling like I cannot see and feeling like they don't like me

Feeling cold
I feel an itch
Feeling like a worthless *****
Feeling like I'll never do everything I wanted to

Help me feel
Less alone
Cause I'm feeling pretty low
And I'm sick of feeling like I've failed my entire life
Emily Sep 2014
I still have dreams about you.*

You lit my entire soul on fire and walked away as it burned to ashes
Don't pretend like it wasn't your fault either,
because I'm not the kind to start fires

After years of waiting
I've finally opened my eyes
And I see now
exactly what your words are worth

Starting today,
I'm done with you
For the sake of my sanity,
I *have
to be done with you
I haven't listened to "Hey #3" in months
***** you
I loved that song
Sep 2014 · 1.4k
Churning Butter
Emily Sep 2014
Someone has been churning butter in my stomach
And sometimes I wish to stab a knife into me and tear out this awful feeling
Because it happens daily
But more recently, it happens hourly
And the churning butter bends and twists my stomach out of place
And my heart loses oxygen hundreds of times a day
And my face goes pale with discomfort
And I can't put a cast on and sit out during gym class
It's not an injury
It's not a problem
It's not
a problem
It's
Not
A
Problem
It's just
How I live
And the churning butter
is what I live with daily
But more recently,
hourly
Jun 2014 · 515
Price of Love
Emily Jun 2014
"The price of love is loss,
but still we pay."
And I'm afraid, my dear
That I've paid in full
For you see
I'm running out of things to lose.
May 2014 · 558
Love is Messy
Emily May 2014
In the end, his heart was at war
it was
                        PASSION
                                ­    vs.
                                   PERFECTION

And unfortunately for me
                                                       **Perfection was winning
May 2014 · 9.4k
This is Our Dystopia
Emily May 2014
The first suicide hit like a bullet

BANG

One of us dead, and at his own hand

The tension in the hallways filed into the ears of all those who walked
through its thick silence

It was a struggle to move through the heavy weight of a quiet hallway

People cried, whether they knew him or not

Teachers made promises,

“It’s worth it,” he said “I swear to you, it’s worth it.”

A moment of silence for the boy who is no longer living,

Whose hidden pain was known by none

Whose family will never be the same

Whose future which once was mystery, is nothing but imaginary

The second suicide hit like a rock

THUNK

The hallways rang with growing confusion,

At every turn, each whisper faded into the next in a mirage of sadness

But mostly confusion

Letters were handed out, but there was no time for more tears and
speeches

They had postponed the moment of silence for the girl who is no longer living,

Whose hidden pain was known by none

Whose family will never be the same

Whose future which once was mystery, is nothing but imaginary

The third suicide did not hit

SWOOSH

It was not silent anymore

There was laughing and talking, as the excitement of yesterday’s
football victory buzzed throughout noisy hallways

The letters were passed out late and no one read them

Teachers continued with their lesson plans

Students continued with their joke making and picture taking

Because people don’t have to keep caring after strike three

There was no moment of silence for the boy who is no longer living

Whose hidden pain was known by none

Whose family will never be the same

Whose future which once was mystery, is nothing but imaginary



This is our dystopia
Feb 2014 · 1.1k
Notebooks and Razors
Emily Feb 2014
You want to find me at my worst?
Go back a few years, and find a fifteen-year-old nothing
With infinite depression and thoughts stuck on repeat,
playing the same suicide song over and over
As you watch her slowly transform her legs to scar tissue
Please tell her you've noticed she's not eating

You want to see me at my lowest?
Watch me lap up the blood after bathing in blades
When you search for the places that my mind visits so frequently
It will truly test a flexibility
that not everyone has

You want to know me at my core?
No, you don't
Curiosity is not the same as desire and
the darkness would only blind you
I'm too sweet to show you the type of insanity
most would cringe in disgust at
And honestly, at the end of the day, all I'm left with are notebooks and razors
Emily Jan 2014
Left alone with a perfect life
About to start the decay
Slowly the rotten fruit, absorbing
into the recesses of my belly
Just above my pelvis, almost in my hips
The sickening feeling of dread
Eating away at my intestines
The feeling of regret, regret, regret
So much regret
The little girl behind my eyes whispers into my eardrums
in the quietest voice I have never heard
"You think everything is fine and shiny?
You think you finally have it figured out?
Just wait
You're about to be thrown into a tidal wave of broken expectations and bitter pain."
A stunning new life
Balancing on a ladder in front of a doorway
Maybe that's why I have the poisonous feeling
That this is all about to end.
Dec 2013 · 547
Solitude
Emily Dec 2013
Solitude
My best friend
It's name is solitude
It brings me gifts of cleansing and hope
Reminding me that silence is not golden
Nothing this transparent could be classified as gold
Solitude is the battery that charges every outlet in my brain
Creativity, logic, faith, insight, wisdom

Unceasing clarity washing through my mind
The only one I feel comfortable with
Comfortable enough to frown
Of all the realities I've lived through, I have to say
Solitude is my favorite
And until today I forgot how nice it was to have as company
Dec 2013 · 541
Limiting My Limits
Emily Dec 2013
I am not the best singer,
that doesn't mean I will not sing
I am not the most disciplined,
that doesn't mean I will not dream

I am not the best dancer
that doesn't mean I cannot dance
I am not the most loveable
that doesn't mean I have no chance

I am not the best poet,
that doesn't mean I will not write
I am not the strongest person,
that does not mean I will not fight
Dec 2013 · 477
The Color Gray
Emily Dec 2013
I don't know why I'm so drawn to it

It's indecisive, but in a good way
It will always be in between white and black, light and dark
And constant adjustment can fade it more towards one or the other
But it will still be gray,
foggy,
indifferent


I like it because it's subtle and it's sad
Not sad
What's the right word for it?...
Melancholy
It flutters in the background ever so softly and never seems to have any complaints about how the other colors are more popular or how it wishes it was as fun and happy as red or yellow
It's not the most appreciated color
But it is content with itself
I like that

And even though gray doesn't get invited to birthday parties or firework displays
It holds more depth and wisdom than the entire rainbow
That is why I like the color gray
Dec 2013 · 4.3k
The People Like Us
Emily Dec 2013
But where is the place for the people like us?
The artists, the cutters, the solemn observers.
Every INFJ. Every poisoned mind. Every social awkward with so much depth they just might sink.
The ones who have found their soul but are searching for their mind.
The ones who find their mind by losing their marbles.
The misrepresented and misunderstood.
The hurt and the happy.
With a requirement of so much patience and love that no one is willing or able to give.
The ones who make adjustments.
Who hit rock bottom and manage to get back up on their own.
The ones who fall too fast for something out of reach. They end up quietly crashing and burning.
The ones who are living under layers of paint; on their hearts and in their homes. Whose sweetness and innocence are buried somewhere underneath the paint, barely recognizable.
The ones who were born with a fifty year old soul.
Who have a biologically memorized speech that no one will hear; that no one can hear.

I ask you, where will they go, the people like us?
Dec 2013 · 1.2k
Rock Bottom
Emily Dec 2013
Rock bottom

It's a place everyone knows

The difference is the level
The difference is the timing
The difference is the landing
And the difference is the climbing
Dec 2013 · 8.4k
Ode to a Masochist
Emily Dec 2013
Silly little *******
spitting up her heart
Wishing she was talented
Wishing she was smart

Slice and bite and beat yourself
all above the knee
Never swim and never cry
then nobody will see

Stupid little *******
tearing out her eyes
Punishment doth bring success
Perfection carries lies

Tell them all it was the cat
Conjure up some cheer
Fill your life with silent screams
then nobody will hear

Crazy little *******
cutting up her wrists
Pushing down with all her might
as hands turn into fists

Blood is pouring out your veins
and you stop to stare
Knowing if you died tonight
then nobody would care

— The End —