I try to untangle my confusion like the tangled webs of lesbian ***
Arms and legs stretched and bent like some circus contortionist
But to ride out my computer brain, not nearly as logical,
Is like an impossible puzzle
To try and solve two Rubik’s Cubes, one in each hand
Is more probable than to solve the mysteries within you
A fever of 151 will just expose vague feelings hardly held too deep
I speak in code, not too difficult to know,
But maybe it is because the look on your face shows
You either don’t care or have grown tired of my games
But this ain’t a game anymore; I don’t think it ever was
I just want someone to not roll their eyes in discontent
In disappointment, a lack of interest
But I can’t blame you because I am the victim of my own game
My shame, I can’t help but giggle and make a mockery
Of these secrets that I try half-heartedly
To drown in a sea of alcoholic, drug addled debauchery
My pupils shrink not nearly as close to the size of my heart
I don’t know how else to scream “Help!”
My music, my poetry, my word choice, my lack of hygiene
Am I just some worthless case that you can’t bring
Yourself to see, the truth of it all
Cuz it hurts too much, to realize what your son has become
So maybe in your mind repeating my last words
Will fix everything inside that burns
But I run, don’t try too hard to hide, the pain beneath my eyes
I don’t know how else to scream I need a real person to confide
I lost her and I lost it all
Why is it so difficult for you to make a connection?
To your own son, your own brother
Until it’s too late, until my feet are dangling
Held high, held tight
By anything I could find, but I couldn’t wrap it tight enough
Fell on my knees, nearly broke my neck and vertebrae
I probably did, but did you have anything to say?
After a week it was all the same again
So I drink my poison, poke my arm again
Wear long sleeves all year long, just to get some kind of emotion
But I suppose it’s expensive to keep me alive
It’s sure as hell not cheap to try and end this reckless *******
Like my body is immune, to heavy metals and dulled ***** needles
A noose, an overdose, a drunken crash, a clash of drugs, splashes in my nose left unplugged
What will it take?
How much more can I endure?
Only a bullet to the brain seems the only thing fool proof.

False idols only lead to false hope.
Got a choke chain necklace
A Rosary noose around my throat.
We all love, We all die.
As long as I still struggle to breathe
You won't see how selfish it is to keep me
Crawling by.

Oh how lucky the depraved are!
Oh how brave the saddest were...

I've tried their medicine, I made it mine.
No note; Nothing to say Goodbye.
Maybe my blood will thicken their tears?
My only salvation is my biggest fear.

So here I'll stand... But I'll go stag - staggering.
I hope, not, to bother you
With these thoughts
that keep us both awake.
I've had some Help, my reflection in her eyes
And she said as best she could, "keep your friend in mind."

Trying to hang on - to something - but it's lesser everyday.
Brave friend...You once said
"Me and you, we think alike. Share the same troubles..."
Maybe I'm just jealous
Cuz my struggles are now doubled.

I can only imagine what it was like for you
Sitting at the foot of your bed
Scared for the welfare of us two
And you'd imagine
What sort of things I'd make her do
To support our habit
Did I sell her off, make her *******
There was nothing I could say
In your mind that was already the truth
I still remember the day when
You posted bail and said
"This isn't real love... because if it were
you wouldn't poke her skin
with a needle's *****
and fill her with poison!
This is ******* poison!
And you're killing her!
No, this isn't love... you're a ******* monster."
If you only knew how powerful that was.

I want you to imagine now
Just for a moment what it was like from our side
She was handed to me
I was given sole responsibility
But we'd never imagine this
That we'd resort to the things we'd do
To support our habit
Try to get a bag or two
And find the strength to sit up straight, at the foot of our bed
Scared for the welfare check
Was it coming in, or do we have skip dinner again
I know we made it look so easy, like we had it all together
But who wears long sleeves, in the middle of the summer
Just to hide our scars
Never staying long because we needed that needle in our arm
Behind those jail bars
In a physical manifestation
Of the prison hell that lived inside ourselves
Now we were under real investigation...
Can you imagine?
With the threat of jail, our mental hell, seeing her poke herself... fo(u)r hours
Crying out to me, "Baby, please?!
I can't get it, and my arms are so swollen!
Look at them bleed!"
So I was stuck with the ****** truth
Let her keep damaging herself... I know she'd get it eventually
But how many more hours until she felt
The needle slip into her vein...
Or I could step in and help
Quickly end her pain, I knew
The result would be the same
She'd get sooo HIIIGH
So I'd have to choose
I thought what I did was right
Well, I mean, it was the lesser evil of the two
If you only knew how powerful that was.

So, I'm sorry you couldn't sleep at night
But just imagine if you had to poke a needle
In the one you love
Just to make her...
Make her feel alright.

If you only knew, and not imagine, how powerful that was.

Flick* bic

                                       ....

                 bubble   sizzle   POP!


drop   ...bloop  splatter  --- hot.

                           insert   slurp   tink! tink! , prepped...

The world is waking up, I'm lying down.
I'm down, down again...
Watch the shadows grow and crawl
Envy fallen leaves becoming one with it all
Someday Goodnight will be Goodbye.

Early mourning, the sun, Blue is creeping in
I'm my lonely best friend.
Today and Yesterday, They are one in the same.
Will it hurt or just a flash? Doesn't matter anyway.
Someday Goodnight will be Goodbye.

Granite, Stone, or Wall. I carve my name.
To prove ever I was here, there isn't much to show.
Happy, Sad, or SOMETHING! I wish I could choose.
Things of the past are all a Catch-22.
Someday Goodnight will be Goodbye.

With open arms, I welcome you.
With open hearts I'll split in two.
No one will understand, looking back they'll see it.
Don't ask yourself, "Why?"
Tonight is Goodbye.

The words come back and conversation
Flows under excited pressure
Just like the red rose when I register
Its been a while so the better in me knows
And tries to send a message to me
But my psychic energy grows
More intensely on a memory's
Lows, I always get the best of me
Tolls, Happiness isn't free
I wish I could just be fine with settling
Stop hoping that my two halves will quit wrestling
Over who drives while the other is directing
From the back seat, this is where I belong
A siren is my life's theme song
Hand in hand I'm dragged along
To some place I'd rather not be
Put on a face so they won't see
Anything that's felt inside of me
Learning to survive by blending in
Once released, spin cycle repeats
Pumping poison bought off the street
A death rehearsed I'll never know
When rehearsal ends, begin the show
I'm drifting off into sleep...
But this time it's too deep.

Hidden in the shadows of the trees
The crickets soft consistent swoon
It's gentle and floats with the breeze
It's only the moon and me

The humid July air
Adds yet another "X" in your mind
How many more days of sweat dripped hair?
How long 'til my sordid winter's love affair?

Until I am released from the guilt
Of being inside "wasting" my day
A policed perception's tilt
When it's cold you all feel this way

Never wanting to see light
Dreading weather's daily plight
The only difference you from I
Is the cold I feel in mid-July

Strike a pose and disclose, a secret life
To them unknown
You awake in a robe and missing clothes
- a mark to define all evil kept inside
- a mark to define a man best kept inside
A screaming mother without a single shade of life
Just like her son left dangling on a wire

What's left to say to a petty man?
With a coward plan to strike angry clans
And what can't be said
Is best left screaming to the dead

Cuz we all know anger is just a muse
A silly disguise - a stupid ******* excuse

Cuz in the end, what's left?
Feelings left unsaid
And anger at yourself for keeping them in

So we'll take it out on the fallen troop
Who slit his wrist and downed a bottle of *****

But he couldn't die
No he didn't die
So these tears will dry
And be replaced with irate insanity

If I admitted, that you still hostage my love
Now if I admitted, would I turn into the one that you want

No, this is something I doubt

If I released, all of my inner thoughts
Yeah, if I told you, it was you I picked out

No, I doubt, that that'd be enough

If you were to come home, with a smile on your face
Oh Kali, please come home, another day I can't take

..."No, I love you more from far away."

"I love you more -"

"Like I said, from far away."

Combining in me is this false sense of security
Fatal attractions to the fetid flesh of the dead
Such aspirations have brought me to my own end
I lower my blood levels purity
Mixing with it chemicals bought from the street

Oh! What is with this sick obsession I have obtained?!
Oh! Why must I fantasize a grave stone barring my own name?!
Oh! Such a sordid love affair with my demise!!
Oh! To ****** thyself, death by suicide!!

I practice the act in such ways like self- mutilate
If God were to witness I'd be the focus of his holy hate
I'd inspire him to bring back the days his love was called wrath
I'll be the testament for which our free will is taken back

Oh! What is the problem that I have with life?!
Oh! Why must all my dreams end in suicide?!
Oh! I cannot wait for the day!!
Oh! When I am finally lowered into my grave!!

You are one shade less than perfect
You are nothing and you're worthless
You have given all that I need
But the one thing most precious I will not keep

Beauty's in the eye of the beholder
Thank god...
I held her.

Would it be better if I never met her?
Wish I...
Could forget her.

If I held you, but don't hold you now
Laid my eyes on you
But I don't see you now
Does that make you ugly
Are you a disfigured scowl
Or, is it just resentment
Playing tricks on me now

Who's this weeks holder?
Who sees you like I saw you then?
Who's with you playing strip poker?
Who holds their cards tight?
Now as you reveal your chest

An arm's length
Is close enough to still touch
An arm's race
You will **** to get what you want

Why can't you see?
You have more to offer this world
Than temporary
Satisfaction they found in some girl
Cuz you have more
Than an arm to offer this world

Poison drips in to your brain...
We are both in love
With the same thing
I cannot be saved
But I have hope for you.

I don't want to give you the satisfaction
Of knowing how much I adore you
No, I don't want to show any reaction
When you say, "I miss you"

You were and will always be my sunshine
Even when you make me feel like ****
Cuz it is mostly in the pitch of night
When you forget your sunrise kisses

If every guy treated you like an angel
Like the ones that I pray to
Yeah, if they were all capable
I wouldn't be the one you come back running to

Between the moments they call you back
When they do I return
To the slack of rope around my neck
To the liquid burn

You could have been my Eve
It was me who propped you up
To grab the apple from the tree
I guess you always kind of were

If there's such thing as a Heaven
I'm pretty sure I've been there
And if I were to go again
It'd be your love that takes me there

Take me there...

I arrived with a smile running down - trying to escape my pale face
Eyes were heavy and excited, how did I manage to stay away
For so long, I had forgotten how
What the warmth seemed to scream and shout,
"It's alright; you're ok!
You're finally safe and sound - you're Home, now!"

I unpacked, and relaxed, ironed out wrinkles from the previous year
Each pressed in line, showed how much time, made it so obviously clear
That no matter what I expressed with my tongue
It's clear, it's here - this Home -  I belong
"It's alright; you'll be ok.
Just don't over stay your Welcome."

It wasn't long at all, before not a single thought, wasn't of how I over-stayed
But now I live alone, this house is not a Home, I only have myself to blame
Come Christmas time, the needles of the pine, will be the only presents under the tree
Since my return, I relearned, released the monster within me
"It's alright, you're fine...
Just as long as you never leave."

Boy, is it good to be Home.

Time stands still, but the sand drifts away
Another "x" crossed off
Yet the memory remains

Why couldn't you stay instead?

You gave me life through blueprints of your eyes
You gave me something I never knew existed

I've lost, you're gone, you won't return.

I will steal every glance I get.
I will **** every chance I have.

Nothing remains.

Perfection is formed in my mind.
Perfection's form remains in my mind.

Nothing remains.

It all goes away...

I have your card but I don't have your number
I try to recall but its hard to remember
A plan, tonic, mixed with your half slumber
Just because they pretend doesn't mean that they care

I read your words and its easy to see
That you've been a basketball after everyone from me
Passed around like you were hot gossip
But they all left once you gave what they wanted

Why was it so hard to accept what I offered?
We both did things to anger each other
And after that we realized
It was ourselves we came to despise

I'm tired of faking
Tired of playing this act
I'm sick of pretending
Pretending like I couldn't care less

Don't tell me your number
I'll only falter
In the act of moving on
Don't tell me your number
Cuz these images
Will be my roadblock.

There are no roses left to give
More is a habit you are forced to forget
A glass house you are made to live
You've made this bed
But you can't fall asleep in it

Day breaks under the heaviness of night
This house shakes with a fluttered tongue's plight
Stuck 'neath my feet are shells colored white
Every word spoken lends more heat than light

I am morphing from beast to child
Accepting numb in exchange of my guile
Remembering the West, dangerous and wild
As I clutch the throne expelling my own bile

Transitions have never come easy
Introductions weren't always my best
Getting stuck somewhere in the middle
Must be where I belong
Like the weight felt deep in my chest

I am the clay you grasp with your hands
I am a mold made to fit your demands
I'll be whatever you want me to
I'll be the needle's eye you're pulling thread through

You all promised it'd be better
You told me there won't be any more fear
I should have listened to my doubt
Cuz now I see it was yourself you were talking about

I was only given so much to go around, but it must show
Because all the waitress in all the towns, act as if they already know
Always flashing that concerned, half-turned smile
When they call me "Darling" and whisper, "Will you be stayin' a while?"

I'm not sure if it's out of habit or respect?
But I always do it, do what manners expect
Look up with what part of me is left
Smile back but I think of you instead

When I'm with my family
And they shower me with love
I can't help and wonder, "How do they all do it?
Care so much for everyone..."

Do they only give out smaller bits?
A fraction of the painting
So when they all come together
All the pieces seem to fit, to form something amazing

Its almost impossible replicate
Each person's own vision and version of love.
Breaking it like all the rest is one thing that I refuse
So instead I give it all away, every last bit and piece to you.

Day breaks under the heaviness of night
Blue skies and bright light illuminate
The scars created under a backdrop of stars

Retreat...
Battle wounds only show defeat

Defeated or defeatist?
The ending's the same
A  morning masquerade
To hide the reason for this slow parade...

I dance between the graves
Of the bodies that came, but didn't stay
Praying to make it home dry
There's a storm raging in the sky

As if it were a camera's flash
Lighting strikes when I think of them
Counting back from three to one
That perfect moment, forever gone

"Always and Forever", etched on the cast
Of my broken heart that looks like broken glass
And the Jack of Spades fell for the Queen of Clubs
But she ran off with
The King of Diamonds

There's a storm raging in the sky
There's a storm raging in this guy
There's a storm raging in the sky
There's a storm raging...

Relax, I'm finished
Feel free to open your eyes, look and see
What I've removed from you...
Sat back, I relish
These acts I can't undo, prove to me
I didn't take back what was mine...

Heartless, harlots always are
Heartless, our bodies now on par

Feel free, to express
I cackle at the thought
I ask but I know you cannot do...
Did you, expect this
Myself even I've surprised
Before me, slain, you are strewn...

Last kiss, open mouthed, and agape
Last kiss, I have made you smile
From cheek to ******* cheek

Heartless, I cackle at the thought
Heartless, finally you really are

I have finally made you smile
From cheek to ******* cheek
Our bodies now on par...

Interstates and mile markers
Give credence to the old saying
Absence makes the heart...
...I wish it were true
Waving goodbye through the tinted glass of a cab
I don't blame you for, for never waving back
This inner state's constant reminders
Of our mistakes, all driveways are
Our driveways are...
...Connected by a series of roads
Just a pattern of turns
Is the key to this code
To see your face close enough to kiss
A block or a mile it doesn't matter how far
Your body rests
Love will get me where you are.
*...Somehow...