maybe i loved too hard and trusted too much
maybe i only have myself to blame
maybe i should have kept my heart guarded like all the times before
maybe if i hadn't let him in this wouldnt hurt so much.
maybe
maybe
maybe
maybe i was meant to love to have heartbreak
maybe it is for the best
maybe this is how it was supposed to be
maybe
maybe
maybe
maybe you never loved me
maybe i should have seen it coming
maybe you cared too little
maybe

some nights i hate you and some nights i love you but
more then anything i wish you happiness, even at the cost of my own.

       - the hardest goodbye

some nights i question my worth.
even though i know i should not.
i wonder if i had been enough would he have never hurt me, would he have fought for me, for us.
if i had been enough would he of moved on so quick.
you told me you loved me but if you loved even the smallest parts of me you never would have made me feel this way.
and so some nights i question my worth
even when i know i should not.

not sure what im looking for exactly, but i can tell you what i do not want.
I do not want to be a moment that you dont think twice about.
I do not want to be someone you used to know.
I do not want to be something that was but that never meant much.
I want to be the moment you replay again and again.
I want to be someone who makes your heart full.
I want to be something you cant go without.

to be more then anyone ever has before.
to love you fully and whole heartily with no regrets.

to be enough.

The scary thing, the saddest part.
They might forgive you
But they might not want you back.
And you have to be okay with that.

grab a pen and paper
now write at the top of the paper, "things I  want"
list all of the things you desire. Money aside, reality aside, what is it that you truly want.
next write " things I need"
and list the things that keep your heart beating. the things that make you get up every morning. your hopes and dreams, your ambition.

now compare.

are the things you need lining up with the things you want?
does what make you want to be better also want you want to be?
ask yourself, "is this how i want to live"

I’ve never been in love
But I know that one day I’ll be enough.
You won’t go, you won’t leave, you’ll stay here with me
And my heart will finally have a home.
All the walls that I’ve bulit will come crumbling down and
I’ll be always yours, to have and to hold, forever until we grow old.

i blindly believe in  a love i have never known.
i do not know what it's like to fall asleep in someone's arms, to the beat of their heart.
I could not tell you how it feels when you hear their voice and suddenly your heart is in your ears.
I have never had someone for support, a structure so strong that their walls would never falter.
yet i find myself giving my heart openly to those who ask
and maybe it is because i am naive and maybe its because i am stupid
but still i give.

You are the first person to ever make me feel inadequate. Like my whole body and soul still is not enough. I could give you The whole world on a platter and you’d say, i only wanted the sun.


And it’s this constant battle between feeling on top of the world and suffocating under the weigh of it all, that i just cant take anymore.

Ive never had my heart broken
Because i never gave it away.
It's under maximum security
You will never find the key.

Ive had a lot of guys promise they would stay
But i dont know why they always tend to leave.
Its like i give too much of myself
Before i ever get the chance to hand them the key.

Cause maybe im too much for them
Or maybe not enough.
Maybe they never wanted my heart
Maybe they just needed my touch.

Some might say im lucky
To have never felt the sting of the broken pieces falling in your hands.
To never wonder if you could have done something differnt to make them stay.

But there are cobwebs on my heart and no one knows the rise and fall of my chest.
Cause its only ever beat for me
And im starting to think that might be best.

quite lost and terrible at directions,
unsure of how this works and who should say sorry first.
but do you miss out on something great because you are still looking back?
can you give  me  a hint on how this works because i know you well enough to tell your mad, but you wont answer my call.
how much space is enough and are you right or are we both wrong.
it's like someone put a blindfold over my eyes  and said "figure out this love thing, kid"
quite lost and terrible at directions,
missing you and feeling terribly sorry.

would you dance with me at 2am in the refrigerator light, could you tell me that everything will  be all right.
can i count the freckles on your cheeks.
when youre stressed rest your head on my chest, tell me about the things that keep you up and the things that bring you down.
ill paint you a picture of all the things you do that make you so great, like always putting a smile on my face.

Dear Dad,
thank you for always brushing my hair and teaching me how to do a ponytail. For never getting tired of piggy back rides and Sunday rides in the Cadillac. Thank you for the 5am drives to softball tournaments and the countless hours playing catch. For reminding me to not dip my elbow and to dig my heels. Thank you for dealing with my stubborn attitude and moody years. For always bringing home breakfast when i needed it most. Thank you for starting my car when the snow is to our knees and making sure im always up for work. Most importantly Thank you for showing me the love i deserve. For always loving everyone around you with your whole heart. Thank you for setting an example of a man of God and a man of his word. For setting the bar high and reminding me that no Queen should ever have to settle.

I am starting to think  that I am not enough
because something just doesnt add up
how can you say "i wanna give you the world" one night
and "im over it" the next.
I am starting to think that I am not enough
becuase some times he says i talk too much
and other times not enough.
I am starting to think  that I am not enough
becuase this just doesnt add up
and I know I was never great at math
but 1 and 1 was always 2, and me and you was always good.
I am starting to think  that I am not enough
becuase you said you wanted to give me the world but took it from me the very next day
and I just wish I knew what would be enough for you, becuase my heart was never enough.

he just might break your heart but he has you dancing in the taillights saying, "one more song"
and every part of you is telling you to run but that look in his eyes say, "stay awhile".
he will make you feel like your walking on clouds but do not forget to come down every now and again.
becuase oh he just might break your heart, but tonight, tonight he is saying "I love you more".

I have never been in love
but I imagine it tastes like hot chocolate on a winter's day.
Warming you from your head to your toes and deep in your heart.
I would like to think it sounds like your favorite song on the radio played over and over again, with the windows down, filing your lungs with joy.
It would feel like fresh washed sheets. Cool against your skin and comforting you in every way.
I have never been in love but i hope that one day my cheeks always hurt from smiling to much and my heart is always light.
I hope to be in love.

I have a bonfire heart.
a love that burns deep red.
with the rise and fall of my chest it sirs, warming those around me.
but as the fire dwells down and the embers burn, the people leave.
who sticks around when the fire is at its lowest.
i have a bonfire heart.

I no longer call your name into the night
no more do my hands fit to yours
I have forgotten how your voice sounds
it took some time, but my heart stopped syncopating to the beat of yours
and in the process of letting go of you I became mine.

when your head throbs from repeated blows to the wall I will be the pillow you lie on
in the quiet of the night when you can hear your thoughts
and the absence of light makes it sound like they are screaming.
I will be the wind that whispers you to sleep.
when the world shakes beneath you and you find it hard to stand I will be the bed where you find solace.
if the dark seems to paint faces you tried to forget
I will be the light you turn on

and I can see his chests rise and fall with each breath as he lies next to me, the moon still high in the sky.
yet i still fear that i am alone.
I know the lines on his hands better than my own but I find I come up, empty handed.
He tells me he loves me and in his eyes I see a fire.
When he kisses me my vision goes black and the only sound is my heart leaping out of my chest.
but now as I watch him sleep all I can hear is my head telling me that i should run while i still can.

raise a toast to the girl who had her heart broken but continues to give the pieces to those who ask.
a pat on the back to the girl who despite being stabbed before, stands tall.
congratulations to the girl who has had her trust broken but gives more than she takes.
a round of applause to the girl who shouts over the voices of disapproval to yell, I am worthy.
to the girl who puts her heart on the line when she is well aware of the uncertainty of the outcome, this one is for you.

If you knew my story, beginning to end, would you keep reading.
If you could see the plot unraveling in front of your feet, would you follow the bread crumbs.
If you could see each fall before gravity took hold, would you continue to pick me up.
If you could feel my heartbreak in your fingertips would you be there to comfort my cries.
because every one loves a happy ending but only a fool loves a tragedy

the deepest of green lies below his forehead
waves of emerald and evergreen laced around his pupil
they are the kind of eyes that tell you it will be all right
enchanting,
mesmerizing.
the kind of beauty you want to be the last thing you see each night and the first each morning
he holds the kind of eyes that posses the power to change your mind
assuring,
promising.
somewhere between the specks of argyle and the streaks of julep
his eyes tell you to stay
compassionate,
soothing.

I believe God spends the most time on the sky in an effort to remind us to look up
every day the sun rises and the sky turns from black to purple and pinks
orange cuts through yellow and white
every night the sun sets and again the sky is painted blues and reds
purple and pink cover the horizon until the sky is black again
and still he lights the night with millions upon millions of stars
begging us to simply look up

she so often carried those around her on her shoulders
it was habitual at this point
because she knows what it is like to have no one to lean on
one second you are there the next you are falling
and your arms reach out for anything, anyone
somewhere along the way she fell and no one heard the crash
so she picked herself up and vowed to never let those around her feel this way
oh, but beautiful girl, who holds your hand when the world closes in
at night when there is only you and your thoughts
who eases your mind
a girl is only as strong as those around her

Give me the kind of love where my cheeks hurt from smiling to much
the kind of love when time is irrelevant
where my heart feels like it wants to leap out  and in its efforts pounds against my chest
give me 2am on Tuesday just because
Give me the kind of love where your kisses send shivers down my back and your hands follow suit
send my cheeks blushing
call me so you can hear my laugh cause your favorite song just doesnt do it anymore
i want to memorize the spectrum of your eyes
take me dancing in your living room with the lights on because i dont want to miss a moment of seeing you
Give me the kind of love that makes me smile when no one is around
dress up just to dress down
watch tv with me even though my team is winning
give me friday nights and sunday mornings
Give me the kind of love that covers my skin in goosebumps when i think of you

I left a part of me along the cobble streets of Sicily.
Somewhere between the night clubs and the beaches I fell in love.
It was all at once, this uncanny emotion welled deep inside of me.
the sun left kisses on my skin by day
kisses on my cheeks by beautiful people at night.
my heart had never felt so light.
I left pieces of me through Italy

he only loves me when he’s drunk and I know that is wrong but i cannot stop my hand from pouring the bottle

and maybe if I wasn't so afraid of being alone I would not answer his 3 am call


perhaps if I could feel his skin against mine one more time the numbness would go away forever.

his kisses taste like raspberry ***** but that’s not why I get drunk off him

there is something intoxicating in the way he slurs my name
beckoning me to his dark silhouette

as his nose is pressed against mine his hot breath fans over my lips
      “i love you”
and in that moment I forget that he is on drink number 23

in that moment I cannot remember the taste of the tears spilled over him

I cannot remember the decibel his voice hits when he’s had too much and the dog is giving him that look of disappointment and the the TV is too bright

when he kisses me I forget the time he forgot my birthday and the temperature of his hands when he leads me upstairs

there is something in the way he holds me that gets me drunk off him, but he only loves me when he’s drunk


and maybe one day i’ll love myself enough to not need his love

Someone, Somewhere, loves you

and you are merely an idea.

A skim on the surface between daydream and  reality.

Every flaw is sculpted as perfection in their eyes

they see only beauty flowing from your pores.

on good days and bad.

they are unaware of your eyes by color but know the twinkle that reflects off each when you laugh

they know you not by the feel of your bones or the caress of your curves but only the warmth of your touch

your image burns bright white,

and the radiant light that shines from the hair they know not by color, brings hope to their heart.

somewhere, someone, is thinking of you.

you and only you.

if the voices become to loud, imagine theirs louder.

if the walls cave in, imagine their arms stronger.

When everyone is telling you No, listen for their screams Yes.

If you feel alone, wipe the tears from your cheeks and remember that someone loves you.