the moon is visible
the stars are scattered like splattered paint.

reminds me of how things were back then.
the days where I thought nothing could go wrong.

there was hope. there was light. there was the future.

but then the moon went away. the stars couldn't help but follow.
the rain took its place in the sky.

and there was deep water to tread.

but the moon was visible tonight. and the stars scattered the sky like splattered paint.

and there is joy and hope and a future.
and I am stronger.

I tear myself apart trying to be the best.

every day I go and try to be loved by those around me.
my desires to meet new people are selfishly driven by the desire
to show others the good parts of who I am.

to show you I am lovable.

every accomplishment, every compliment, every good thing I do
all I think is,
"that'll show her. I'm not that bad after all."

like I have to prove myself to you.

am I going to spend the rest of my life trying to show you why you should love me? why you shouldn't have left me here?

is every intimate worry I have wrapped up in the fact that I wasn't enough to please you?

-and i still can't even blame you

the emptiness is hard to describe.

why don't you ever chase after me?

who am I waiting for?

i used to be so scared of the dark.
but it was just you.

-you make it hard to breathe.

how utterly pitiful.

year after year,
every holiday,
being ruined
by the ones you love.

yet each year
excitement bursts through us.
we count down the days.
to eventually be
disappointed.

these smiles are forced.
exhaustion settles in.
and we tell ourselves,
"maybe next year will be better"

-is there something wrong with us?

I'm sorry-
my heart is pounding.
these thoughts are crowding
and I can't seem to tell them no.

I didn't mean to say that-
to do that.
You'll forgive me though, right?
You'll still love me?
Oh, you don't have to.
I understand.
I'll just be outside,
waiting to be let in.

Inconveniences.
They plague you.
Your skin isn't thick-
one scratch and there's blood.
The sun beats down on you
and you cower towards the shade.
I envy you.
I pity you.
Put your hands up and fight.
These blisters don't hurt me.
I've walked on eggshells,
I've swam through deep waters.
I'm sure I can find my way home
from here.

-I'm sorry we can't relate

burdened
by social customs.
this day has been dreaded ever
since I can remember.
every gift I got.
every card I wrote.
was to appease you.
and i'm still a prisoner.

I gave you a gift-
Truth.
And you regifted it
Into a weapon.

How can you question my actions
When yours throw swords into my chest?

-why can't I just give up?

Powerful words of affirmation.
Three words that twist around my heart.
Do you mean them?
You say them.
You want them to be real.

A privilege anyone would want.
A presence some should earn.
You leaving shouldn’t be a guilt
I have to live with.

A desire I also want.
A passion I look for every day.
Something that should come so easily-
Especially for a child.

how awful it is for a child to want
bruises and scars upon their skin.
because maybe there would finally
be proof.

-you would do anything to make yourself the victim

I still look at food sometimes
and my mouth curls back in disgust.
Or is it just a mirror i was looking at?

-will i ever recover?

I bet we laugh a lot.
You probably make my stomach hurt
And my cheeks sore.
I hope I make you laugh
just as much.
I bet your laugh is beautiful.
I can’t wait to hear it.

-a note to my future husband

the tears in your eyes weren’t meant for you.
that aching isn’t yours.
give me back the pain that belonged to me,
you weren’t the one I was trying to hurt.

-how you affect others.

here stands a skeleton
of a girl who’s heart is all she
has left and in her aching,
that heart’s last beat will
be for a love only found
up above.

-turns out only one person can save me

“you were old enough to understand”
I was eleven years old.
I was old enough to understand
6th grade.
not how to live without a mother.

-you still seem to blame us for your mistakes

I’m sorry to those who
have lost their moms.
I’ve never felt so guilty.
Could you understand me?
Could you ever forgive me?

-I know you must’ve loved her. I wish I could have met her.

I’m sorry I never had the courage
or the right words to say.
I’m sorry i waited for you
when my tongue was at the ready
my fingers were laced with anticipation but i let them fall dead.
I’m sorry i rejected you for I
felt rejected myself.
I’m sorry i let your heart fall on the floor, but in my defense I didn’t know what to catch.
I’m not quite so good at this,
I’m sure you can see that.
We were in a weird situation,
you know?
And even after all this time,
my heart still beats fast at
the thought of you.
You.
Do you still think of me?
Hope i still walk through that door?
Probably not...
It’s all too complicated now.
I’m sorry I want to see you again.
You.

-how I wish you pursued me when you had the chance

as love enters my body, it is like there is a gaping hole in my back.
the love seems to slip out.
it leaves.
Empty.

-I keep losing things

you didn’t do anything wrong.
my heart was broken
and instead of sewing it back up,
I was trying to fix it by shoving
puzzle pieces into places they didn’t
belong.
my pain was not on you.
I wish I could go back and love you better.

-an apology

putting up with you has been a living hell.

-sorry, i’ve never been good at goodbyes

do you hear that?
that rumbling?
crying out?
sounds like I deserve it,
don’t you think?

-hungry for love

there’s nothing beautiful about bones.
not when you can see them
through your skin.

-that’s what they called me anyway