fixing my problems with dried out glue
don't want to feel this so I'll try something new
a pill, a drink, a meaningless ****
I want to cover myself in glue and forever be stuck

Fruitless, malnourished
I rot within myself
I give you every seed, every petal
I wish I had known
You’d grow bored of gardening
You drown
I dry up
Until we both cry over soiled roots
Desperate hands scraping,
Squeezing fallen leaves
Until they’re limp with indifference

you slapped me once
whilst I removed my clothes
and then you degraded me
a cheek's a cheek I suppose

I wish I could soak up the sting
and feel your harsh hands once more
I'd rather feel your wrath
than be another forgotten *****

every word
that spills from my broken brain
depresses and subdues

like my endless pain

don't you remember the way we used to talk
or was it only endless suggestive texting
was it my shy smile when we drank and walked
that made you pretend we were connecting
or did I mistake our time together for a bond
even though we hooked up most everytime we hung
I couldn't question your collection of leggy blondes
because you'd silence my words with your tongue

I taste rusting windows and warm tequila
I smell permanent markers and rotting tomatoes
I see distorted faces and doctors turned dealers
I hear broken CDs and internal tornados

I am the bones in the reapers dead hands
I am the creature clawing at your back
I am the carnage you cause for a couple grams
I am the voice that haunts the insomniac


I am a black hole

the cold swell of emptiness crashes hard over my naked soul
floating in the middle of a masochistic murky sea
I pray the tide shall sweep my aching body away
I grieve yet the waves laugh as they drown me

I fear I am an oyster

stuck to the underside of a rock's bloated belly
festering or ripening, I'm scarce to know

I buried a bird at sunset
To teach its elder’s some respect
As bundles of familiar feathers swooped
singing scornful songs of incomplete youth
I knew where they’d been at time of death.


I denied the cat the flightless fallen body
Siblings guarding silently as I tore up flower beds
With a piece of broken tile and old weeds left in a pile
Solemn is the hand that carves the final nest.


I buried them with nothing more than three sprigs of lavender,
& fluffy baby feathers splattered with dirt
I wished only empty bellied, good-hearted scavengers
Would carry them to a better nurturing earth.


Tucked into blankets of leaves and mud
I wondered what god they feared, if any
Tying twisted twigs together with reeds & blood
a wonky cross to tell the worms they’re ready.


Loud is the crying fowl that pushed the flightless
Like pitted berries bulging through drooling chins
A clumsy stork is unburdened by lightness,
like the absence of young wings in the wind.


I hope when I am weak in breath & bone
With no children nor chirping to mourn my vessel empty
Someone might lay me down with three sprigs of lavender & a stone

And wonder what god I feared, if any.

meaningless hands
cover my lands
acres of skin
stained with our sin
tell me some lies
cover my eyes
feel my heart break
I know its fake
don't say her name
I smell your shame
keep your girlfriend
and let me pretend

Aim your guns of flesh oh mighty sailor!
whisk me away on those washing machine waves
Turner, hath you come to keep those ravenous omens at bay?
Embrace me now while I banish this inner monologue
through my skull, to melt infinitely into your indulgent rain.

Dead glassy cow eyes
Mock me from within their bloated facade
They see right through me, and I, them.

.
insecurity sits
upon my windpipe
choking out
my loyal declaration
I've never been
the indulgent type
mistaking my desire
for desperation
.

In morning I awaken, gasping for light

my birth, a first breath in fire

ripped from my sanctuary of void sight

identical synthetic houses made to admire

filled with stain of suffering and spite

stuffed to the brim with the wet words of liars

thick is my liquid consciousness which fades into the night

I'm trying to shorten my poems

I fear my chunky paragraphs bore you

my mass of meaningful words now lonesome

make me question if my questions are even for you

loneliness
creeps up on you
like a cold
in the midst of spring
like a rock
inside your shoe
bearable
til it starts to sting

i am
an abundance of mass
a glob of tasteless matter
destructivly silent
my chaos likes chatter

mumbling tumbling words in my head
toppled over one another
emotions kick each other dead

inner thoughts are attempted murders
crimes against myself
logic speaks but they havent heard her
i plead that you save yourself

there are tiny workers inside my mind
they chip away at my normality
my fight with them is blind
pick axes gouge me with brutaility

there is only so much of me left
where is my god, my mercy
morally this carnage is theft
my own exsistence a controversy

mental illness's mental workers
climb around my brain
but if I ever told you that
you'd think I'm more insane

I still taste the salt of the silent tears
that poured from my empty orbs
the sea spilled from my eyes
and burned holes into my soul
I bathe in my acid raindrops
and favour the torment
my heart drowned dead

I collect ill-fitting prescriptions
suffering from a hollowed out heart
morse code thoughts drowned in encryption
doctors pull my nervous system apart

they can't find a cure so they try true loves kiss
they package him in an orange pill bottle
bite-sized pieces of pure chemical bliss
I take a handful of shortlived lust and gobble

these synthetic feelings stuff me momentarily
I can't digest them so they absorb me instead
blood boiling until I'm filled with transparency
first I'm empty, then I'm bursting, then I'm dead.

Reach in and rob my greedy body
these retched pieces are no longer mine
giving up this flesh is an endless hobby
serve his ego by tearing out my spine

What say I the human doormat?
dare I bear the weight of your soul
I am both the mouse and the house cat
whilst you drink the milk from my bowl

lie to me
i want to hear the deceit in your voice
sigh to me
speak your rehearsed apology of choice
say goodbye to me
watch me crumble and silently rejoice

the good guy supply ran dry
21st century bled them empty
entitled smiles and toxic masculinity
mistreating our lovers became trendy

the nice girl merchandise is missing
scorned women turned hazardous
glassy eyes and defence mechanisms
self sabotage never looked so glamorous

maybe we're not as good as we think
trying to match our collective catastrophes
drunken *** and desperate divorcees

damaged people cause the most casualties

my skin is littered with burns and boils
not one for the razor's edge
I like the sting that hangs around
the pain wakes me from the dead

when you grasp her hand in yours
I feel you tear open my hollow chest
knuckles tightly bound to your knife
searching for a battered heart to digest

how do you categorize pain
I can't describe my mood from 1-10
pump me full of chemicals doctor dearest
tell me who I'm supposed to be again
a        m       e        n

shamefully hidden in skin
my bones are pins and needles
heart of television static
discomfort ****** upon me from first breath

take back my cage of flesh
it rusts around my soul
twists my fears into reality
trapped with my self doubt

i seek validation in your being
pray for our old infatuation
instead of this sick rivalry
who can suffer the most

wounds barley scabbed over
picked and proded until detrimental
intestines piled on cold concrete
stomach safety pinned together

rip open my world again
glide your blade peacfully through me
your weapons are welcomed
it's easier to be hurt by you
than to learn and leave

Eyes stare at me from within flowers
engulfing me in a fever-dream of light
storms rage then twist to limp showers
sprites sense the menace and take flight
In such beauty I find paradoxical peril
grabbed by the weeded floor of the ravine
suffocating on this gleaming world turned feral
I succumb to my death of melancholy green

I only write sad poetry
and never say much else
I'm used to articulating my feelings
my therapist says it helps
I'm not used to being ok
instead, I'm just uncomfortable
waiting for the other shoe to drop
my tear ducts are insufferable

my mind
is just a concept
never heard nor seen
its existence is questionable
fragile like my sanity

I am no innocent being
guilty am I of emotionless touch
strategically avoiding attachment
reducing myself to an object of lust

I ****** the ones I loathe the most
****** movements and tasteless smalltalk
faces blur together in a sea of one night stands
blocked phone calls and shameful morning walks

but the system has failed its creator
his hard shell was reflective of mine
confident I'd hate him the way I hate myself
I pursued him like I pursued cheap wine

a foolish underestimation found me in his bed
tender words and careful hands
my personal affectionate antichrist
played a game worse than my plans

I fell in love with a boy just like me
so much so he told me to shut the door when I leave

"darling"
his voice
a velvet black hole
"take off your exterior,
I'll eat dessert whole"
I slip out of my skin
present my inners and insecurities
chewing my rotted heart
his hunger trumps purity

peach pits and rotting herbs
you ravage my garden
but you water hers

my body, an unfinished puzzle
men pocketing my cherished pieces
chunks of my heart they like to smuggle
maybe they're feeding their demons,
maybe they get off on my struggle

I've run a marathon of emotion              
my heart can't catch a breath
            insides twist dramatically
                                lungs feeling empty yet dense

blood drained from my face to my stomach
a lump of fear makes home in my throat            
my brain is all but a bipolar muscle                          
anxiety climbing an unsteady *****                                    

are the walls as close as they appear to me?            
       my organs compacting and imploding  
                 squished by the pressure of the deep sea
                                 I open my lungs and gasp for salvation
                                             succumbing to the bitter waters of anxiety


god
must                                                                  
  be                          
                              sadistic                                            
                                               just
                                                                           as
                         he
is


distant

listen to my blood stained breath
feel the thing that lives in my throat
can't you smell my restless death
my sanity took my last lifeboat

I warn of the wasteland inside me
rotting from my outsides in
how is your stare so carefree
you don't know where I've been

Oh my divine master of torment
I do not accept his purity
I refuse to lead him to your decent
I am the tornado to his Dorothy

he dares to stare into the eyes of death
smiling at my sadistic odyssey

i wanted to write a poem for my father
and so i searched for such apprasions from before
yet i only found scattered homes and absent dreams
and i cannot deny my father was once not as whole as me
he tipped the glass to his lips until he his inners wasted away
suddenly i see how easy it is to write upon the mistakes of yesterday
but i cannot deny that he struggled against that glass of temptation
like adam and eve he took the fruit and was shunned from the garden
but he now leaves and starts a fresh
and seed by seed
i thank you father
for building a new garden for me

we are squeezed
into this crowded existence
snotty faces wailing for attention
when we grow into our bones
we lose our brave lungs
and our blotchy red cheeks
stretch into such long faces
full-grown features don't cry for help
we bite our meaty tounges
and taste the blood of our disgraces

eyes droop
heartbeat jumps
sweaty hands
viens pump
the paranoia
eats at my chest
spreads through my limbs
panic possessed

force my hand to speak words I don't mean
I cannot surrender feeling to a cause I do not care for
paragraphs fade my enthusiasm
like impatience for another's child
a minimum of respectful observance
an obligation with the refusal of commitment
appreciation does not equal replication
I fear my knowledge deteriorates
any remaining interest rots away
even as you recite new lines
my eyes are reading not receiving
auto-erasing traces of empathy
reciting simile upon simile  
my heart does not care for sonnets or haikus
I want to feel raw like words written
but my ecstasy of another's emotion
holds no feeling when dissected
the sacred art of expression
picked apart and prodded
like my disinterested answers
my brain groans at your analytical stare
feel my speech not the technique

I know your motives as I know mine
I see value in soul you see value in rhyme

I let strangers pick
at my rotting brain
unfamiliar fingertips
grasping my darkest thoughts
I tried to bleed my emotions
but knicked a vein
presenting to you
my papercuts
and gunshots

you think you deceit me
hands burning my body with lust
sure that your touch completes me
never reading into each ******
feigning emotion to ensure your win
endless fingers take what they please
oblivious I'm only in it for the sin
its my heart you wish to seize
unaware you're my pray for the taking
I want to watch you drop me
as you want to watch me shaking
you'll wait and wait for my pleas
looking forward to have me beg on my knees
a security measure to know you're wanted
is a game to me in which you are haunted
as soon as you expect me to sob and cry
i'll exceed your expectations hold my head high
i'll watch as your face droops seeing me flourish
left in the dust while my pride is nourished
this is my fun my game to play
to watch you crumble when I say

thats ok Brooklyn,
the *** was **** anyways.

I know her innocent gaze
her ghost gracing the hallways
news hits harder every day
posters on poles state the phrase

"MISSING GIRL, 15"
I fear her dainty bones
lay nestled in a field of green
among nameless headstones

I know her heart-shaped face
but not her current location
I know the details of her case
but no other information


?

I grow out my fingernails,
Into featureless feminine talons
In a vain prolonged pursuit of
Tearing, shredding, divorcing
Their mundane endeavour for life
Mocking me with their empty perseverance

I terminate their audacity with entrapment
Between tarnished tile teeth
Every ribbon departed
Easing my plump pulsing contempt

Oh, sweet relief,
I disfigure their arrogant survival
Ragged pieces of something neither flesh or bone
Catching upon smooth skin and loose threads
Just as I am.