I've been up since Monday,
Not an ounce of sleep
I feel so dead inside
But that ain't stopping me -
From smiling on the outside

Because a song I listened to last night,
That provoked certain thoughts and urges,
Said that it doesn't matter what's on the inside;
That you need to shove it deep down inside and just smile
Because only what's on the surface matters

So that's what I've been doing so far -
In the 2 hours I've been in public and around my best friend
I've smiled and threw jokes out
Laughing perfected fake laughs
Pretending that I'm sleeping while the world was dreaming
That I was having a happy dream in a cozy slumber

I pretend I wasn't crying all night long, alone
As I convinced myself that my best friend didn't need me;
When I get in those episodes where the need to die is so strong,
I can never really imagine a scenario where she cares or wants me around

But there's one scenario - one moment where she vaguely does
And it's when I see myself in my casket being lowered into my grave
I can see her sad and crying sometimes depending on the night
But others she just stares, remotely sad

Though, what do I care?
I'm dead and free

If you really knew me,
You'd know I don't like people remembering my birthday;
That I'd rather have any other song sung to me around those small candles
Than that overused and cliche Happy Birthday song
Like Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

If you really knew me,
You'd know that the fewer birthday wishes the better;
That a simple smile and hug will cut it for me
Rather than money

If you really knew me,
Like the back of your hand,
You'd respect that;

I wanted to know if you'd want a letter
If I were to leave
But I told myself it wouldn't matter;
They wouldn't care

So I stared at your name
And thought about how you'll go to school
But I won't be there

How I won't just be home, sick
I'll be found dead by my mother when she goes to wake up my siblings but asks her boyfriend to open the bathroom door instead
For the door is locked, my shoes and bag are near the front door still, and there's no response

I thought about how you'd find out about my death
If the school would be told and they'd announce it
Maybe you'd stumble upon a newspaper and see my obituary
Or maybe a part of you would just know

I reminded myself of people I love
How I'm scared of what happens after I die
And the thoughts of what hell could be like
I tried to tell myself God would understand
But nobody would care about me;
I deserve to suffer like the ******* I am

I ask myself what my final words should be
But I can't think of anything original and deep to say
So all I can say is I apologize for what I've done
And I hope you forgive me, let go, and move on to have a happy life

I'm finished and I'm done
Now everyone knows

It's not like we're dating
And our relationship is just mutual and platonic,
So why do you affect my mood so much?

You determine if I feel social enough to talk to everyone else
If I feel confident and joyful
You determine if I feel silly and all giggly
If I feel careless and depressed
You determine it all because I'm so clingy and attached to you

But why?

Finding loopholes and skipping class;
Playing substitutes like pawns

We try to sneak away together,
My best friend and I

Making petty lies -
We smudge reality and falsity

Our second year of high school
And we're already aces of forged passes and coming up with smoothly said ******* excuses when questioned

It is in between classes when we roam the halls
That we hatch our plans and ideas, building excuses

A few failed attempts
Though we still have many tallies on our side of success

There is an in between that no one likes to talk about
And that my friend, is home to me

I want to be in your warm embrace,
Your loving arms;
I'd rather be listening to you sing to me,
Your soothing voice;
I want to be snuggled up with you,
Your calming heartbeat;
I'd rather be sleeping next to you,
Your peaceful soul;

I want to be with you,
Because I'd rather be with you than alone tonight

She's made of poems n' paper airplanes
Soaring through the sky she may

Changing the world,
One word at a time

I was headed home when I stumbled upon thee;
A spidder

Your hill-like crooked legs speeding down the road towards me,
I tried to run

But far too fast were thee and crawled upon me
The spidder whispered to me;

Now at last,
We're connected by stomach and arm

I should've known I can't trust anyone
For they only leave in the end
No matter how many reasons they have to stay
And memories that should keep them around

We then quit thinking about each other
Yes we did

All was so empty
All was so noisy
Then all went silent

Now all is balanced now all can happen, now all can happen

We danced in winter;
Shining suspense here

I'm done with living
So game over,
And goodbye~

You never brought us dancin' in paradise

One step out of my comfort zone
But a step into making our bond stronger
Give me an inch yet I take a mile

I stay alert and cautious
But my walls fall and I become too clingy

You leave and I don't know what to do with myself
Bored and sad I wait patiently for you
Struggling to resist the urge to blow your phone up with messages
So I refuse to talk to anyone else
Until I hear from you first

I sit here now sad and depressed
Over something so stupid
All because
I'm too clingy

My dear, you are purely saccharine
But even the sweetest of things turn into something weary
For after a while, sweets start to become too rich for our taste as we age

Doing bad things -
Illegal things
Brings amusement to me;
It fills me with a sense of power,
Knowing my own secrets and that I'm doing bad things
So I smile,
Chuckling to myself
As I watch the people pass in the hall
Because people are stupid and oblivious

I show my little secret like it's not a big deal,
Letting it hide right under their noses
God if only they knew
That little miss good girl is a rebel,
A rulebreaker who smokes and drinks

I love having this little sense of my own power
While I think
'If only they knew.,..'

I feel alone;
The kind they bring

Smoking kills,
I get it
But I still want it

I want to light those paper death sticks -
I want the tar in my lungs -
I want to feel like I'm drowning...

I wish you could hear the way I talk about you...

Flowers
Delicate, wild
Blooming, dancing, swaying
Making the world go ‘round
Blossoms

I keep contemplating suicide
And struggling to resist the urge my tempting blades give me;
But as I stare at the ceiling,
Thinking about how if I don't do anything stupid that tomorrow my perfect fake smile will fool everyone
I find myself thinking of random small things to do to make others happy
As if they'll know something is wrong, stop, get to know me, and help me feel better
Like these strangers will kiss and heal the broken parts of myself
Stupid silly girl, no one cares...

Maybe you're an introvert
But really bubbly and carefree among those you know best
Maybe you don't have many friends and that's okay
But sometimes you need the type of people that bring out that side of you
Maybe one day you'll get yelled at
Because you're laughing too loud in the hallway with that special best friend
As you leave class early
But all you have to tell them is,
"I'm existing loudly."

Leave a legacy,
Exist loudly

What did I do
For you to leave?

Right now,
I just want to die;
I want to hurt myself and disappear somehow, one way or another
And no one would notice or care

With raised hands we
Joined together creating a
Revolution as we
United as one
Voice spoke by a
Galaxy of people

I catch your eyes
Always staring,
Watching me intently

I wonder what is your reason;
Is it just chance?
Or is it something more?

I find myself
Thinking about you more and more
Every day

And I want you back like something fierce
But you can't even stand talking to me
So how am I supposed to make you mine again?

Either way I'm stuck;
Because my head has already forgotten you,
Moved on
And left you for Autumn Girl

But my heart still holds onto you,
Cherishes what we were
And wants you to come back

So my mind is scattered,
Confused about what my heart wants
But my heart scarred,
Because you left too soon

So it seems weird that I'm writing love poems about two people
But I'm sorry I can't control my heart and my head
For they both abide by different rules
So I'll just remain stuck here

Goodbyes are not forever
Goodbyes are not the end
They simply mean I'll miss you
Until we meet again...

You told me a story
Of how you left
A young girl who became too depressed

She spoke in monotone
When you'd call on the phone
And that affected you

But instead of trying to help her
You left

Now I sit and wonder
'Am I next?'

A jar for you,
Little do you know
I did it,
I captured the universe
All for you,
Swirling dark with tiny masses inside
All for the sakes of keeping you,
You deserve only the best my dear
Because I only want to keep you near,
Now listen
Darling, you're all I'll ever need,
Because to me, I'm the drunk and you're the mead
A jar for you
Filled with the universe
So you can remember every little moment as it rests safely put high,
A jar for you from me
Because it's all you'll ever need...

Barely talked since she told you no;
My best friend rejecting your love
And not wanting to be yours

New crush within 2 days
After being 2 years obsessed over my best friend
And trying for 3 months to charm her, requesting my aid

So you didn't talk to me for 3-4 weeks until you messaged me,
You were miserable and wanted me to break it off to her
And we're still friends so I do

Today we were talking and you seem more comfortable with me
And you seem all worried about how I am and how things are
But then you said something odd and abrupt;

"Come to Ireland with me."

At first, my mind told me that's absurd moving to a different country
But now that I think,
I may just take you up on that offer

We both could use a fresh start;
Strange people that don't know the rumors spread about us here
No stained reputation and issues to follow us

It sounds heavenly,
A blissful paradise that seems so beautiful