Most times I imagine myself committing suicide
And actually dead,
I find myself running away from my home
Only time end my life somewhere alone in the woods

A few times I see myself going behind my best friend's house
Others the woods near my home;
Sometimes going somewhere where I know nobody would think of looking
But rarely in my home in the bathroom

I know exactly how things would go if I did it at my trailer home;
In the early morning hours, I'd cut and overdose on my pills I've saved up,
My mother would try to come in the bathroom at 6:45am when she wakes my brother up for school
The door will be locked, she'll call out my name thinking I missed the bus
Though she'll receive no response and can't get in
So my mother will wake up her boyfriend and ask him to unlock it
Only for them to find me on the ground unconscious

But if I left my home,
No one would know where to start looking
And I'd be successful -

The End

I've been up since Monday,
Not an ounce of sleep
I feel so dead inside
But that ain't stopping me -
From smiling on the outside

Because a song I listened to last night,
That provoked certain thoughts and urges,
Said that it doesn't matter what's on the inside;
That you need to shove it deep down inside and just smile
Because only what's on the surface matters

So that's what I've been doing so far -
In the 2 hours I've been in public and around my best friend
I've smiled and threw jokes out
Laughing perfected fake laughs
Pretending that I'm sleeping while the world was dreaming
That I was having a happy dream in a cozy slumber

I pretend I wasn't crying all night long, alone
As I convinced myself that my best friend didn't need me;
When I get in those episodes where the need to die is so strong,
I can never really imagine a scenario where she cares or wants me around

But there's one scenario - one moment where she vaguely does
And it's when I see myself in my casket being lowered into my grave
I can see her sad and crying sometimes depending on the night
But others she just stares, remotely sad

Though, what do I care?
I'm dead and free