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36.1k · Jul 2014
Caring
Caitlin Jul 2014
I care.
and its the one thing that causes me the most pain.
It breaks me to see and to discover that the people that I care for the most don't care at all, not necessarily for me. But not at all completely.

I have felt the deepest pain due to this "problem"
and no, I can't just stop caring.
Its not that easy.
24.7k · Jun 2014
Clouds
Caitlin Jun 2014
The clouds always seem to want to float higher
As if the higher they go,
the closer they get to heaven.

Maybe that's true,
I wouldn't know,
I'm not a cloud

But if I were,
I'd want to go higher too..
I was at the beach the other day.. and the clouds inspired me to write this… enjoy.
17.7k · Dec 2014
Self-Confidence (10w)
Caitlin Dec 2014
I
Don't
Have
Any,

But I am a good actress.
13.2k · Jun 2014
Leaving
Caitlin Jun 2014
It seems like a lot of key people in my life are leaving
Or are in the process of leaving
Or already gone.

I often wonder why?
Why leave? Why now?

My grandfather passed away..
My band director quit..
My youth pastor is transferring..

Many influentual people have left.
I don't know what I'm gonna do…..
10.1k · May 2014
Choices (10w)
Caitlin May 2014
One choice
One decision
A thousand regrets

I am sorry
6.0k · Sep 2014
Disney ideas (part1)
Caitlin Sep 2014
More often than not,
I am reminded of Aladdin's struggle.

He grew up with out a life of luxury.
And then he meets Jasmine,
And he transforms himself in to something that he wasn't/isn't.
In hopes of having her falling for him.

What I think of is that he wasn't noticed at all,
Except when he stole bread or did something bad.
Until he became a "Prince".
He sings that "if only they'd look closer..."
That "there's so more to me"

There are some days where I feel like Aladdin.
I've always found truth in Disney. And due to some recent events, I am reminded more and more that I an kinda invisible.
5.6k · Jan 2015
You Know who's Awesome??
Caitlin Jan 2015
Timothy,
For always being there.
For caring.
For loving me; You don't even know me.

*Thanks
4.7k · Mar 2015
Worried
Caitlin Mar 2015
Surprisingly, I'm not as worried as I was about tomorrow.
Its just another performance.
I got this.
4.5k · Jan 2014
Moody Me
Caitlin Jan 2014
Moody
Happy
Sad
Angry

Moody
Kind
Caring
Loving


Moody
Afraid
Scared
Terrified

Moody
Depressed
Hidden
Shy

Moo­dy
Careful
Wary
Hardened

Moody
Joyful
Willing
Tried

Moody
Control
Fearful
Fallen

Moody-
Ready
Set
Go.
4.3k · Jun 2015
Leadership
Caitlin Jun 2015
I was appointed section leader again this year,
Despite all of the problems and dram that escalated during my term this past year.
I was convinced that I could not lead,
Via all of the talks I had to have with my band director.
And I still am convinced.
The first week of band camp just ended.
And with my section bugging me because I'm not perfect is tiring.
I'm so confused..
I don't know what to do..
4.1k · May 2014
High school band
Caitlin May 2014
This is what I'm a part of
High school band
Very different from middle school band
All mature teens (most of us)
Coming together and making the most amazing thing in the world

We make love and hate
We make peace and war
We make red and white and yellow and green an blue and purple
We make tears and smiles
We make laughs and screams
We make.

We are a band.
We make music.
No one will get this unless you've ever been a part of a band- not like a rock band but an actual band- with trumpets and french horns and flutes am tubas and clarinets and trombones and saxophones.. It is breathtaking. What we do..
3.7k · May 2014
Stubbornness
Caitlin May 2014
I am stubborn.
I will admit that.
I hate being stubborn.

You know why?

Because once I realize that being stubborn has gotten me nowhere-
I break down....

I am have pride-
Not much
But it's there.

And when I lose that pride.
Either someone breaks it
Or I realize that I was wrong.

And I cry.
I cry.......
About that horn rip(s), about LeRon, about that GOOD, about me.. I cry.
3.5k · Jan 2015
Cold Rain
Caitlin Jan 2015
I'm thankful for the rain,
For it covers my tears.

I'm thankful that it's cold,
For it excuses my shaking.
Tonight. This was me.
2.3k · May 2014
Confusing
Caitlin May 2014
I don't like to be confused
It's not an emotion that I handle well
I don't like to feel confused
It makes no sense to me at all

Can someone please
help me not be confused??
Please?
2.2k · Aug 2014
-Fine-
Caitlin Aug 2014
Feelings are never what they seem.
Especially if it's "fine".
I'm fine- Is the most used lie of all time. Besides have you read all terms of agreement?
2.1k · Dec 2014
Forget me not.
Caitlin Dec 2014
I'll never forget you.

            That's a promise.

                       *Never forget me?
2.1k · Dec 2014
-FINE-
Caitlin Dec 2014
If I EVER tell you that I'm FINE,
you better know that it's not what I mean.
I'm not fine
2.0k · Jan 2015
Family pain...
Caitlin Jan 2015
I hate that I have to bite my tongue around my family,
To keep what I want to say back..
Instead I simply nod and
Act like the daughter I'm supposed to be...
This is actually my life. I hate having to put on a front to my family, because they expect me to be perfect. It *****.
Caitlin May 2014
The difference
three little words
can make.

What are yours?
I kinda wanted to see if you could get what I mean. Three words that what I'm asking- It can be a sentence or three individual words...
Thanks
2.0k · Jan 2015
Recipe
Caitlin Jan 2015
So you want to make me?
A moody?
Ok, here's what you do.

Have a caring soul.
Tear that soul's heart to pieces.
Then try to reassemble those parts.
If you are successful, put that heart inside of a body that is fat, too tall. and not noticed by anyone.

There you have a moody.
Caitlin Moody.
Just me right now.. Maybe I'll write a different one, later..
1.9k · Aug 2014
CRY (12w)
Caitlin Aug 2014
I have that feeling,
Where all I need to do is cry.
I'm depressed...not sure why. I need to cry.
1.9k · Jan 2015
Clarity-Zedd-- Reflections
Caitlin Jan 2015
'Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why
If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?*

I am done fighting for someone who isn't worth my time,
This song describes exactly how I feel.
He is/was my clarity for my broken world..
Now He's gone...
just a reflection of how this song makes me feel...
1.8k · May 2014
Fear (10w)
Caitlin May 2014
I am afraid
My lack of confidence
Makes me
*afraid
1.7k · Jul 2014
Wanted
Caitlin Jul 2014
I am damaged.
I am broken.

Something I wonder if I am ever wanted.
1.7k · May 2014
Fear
Caitlin May 2014
I am afraid of losing the people I love.  I am afraid of losing control-
         what little I have.  
I am afraid of not having approval.
I am afraid of not being able to control
         my emotions.
I am afraid of him.
I am afraid of not being able to sing
          anymore.
I am afraid of not being able to
          play horn anymore.
I am afraid of losing trust.
I am afraid of not being known.
I am afraid of not being remembered.

I am afraid.
I am human.

*Fear is what drives me
Kinda personal... Hope you don't mind.
1.6k · Feb 2015
Happy Valentines..
Caitlin Feb 2015
Happy Valentines Day,
To those who have Valentines,
And to those who don't.
To those married,
And those searching for love.
Those who love and fall apart,
And to those heart broken.
To those who'd rather  be single,
To those afraid to love.
Happy Valentines Day
1.6k · Mar 2015
The White Dress
Caitlin Mar 2015
I am wearing a floor length white gown.
It seems to be made of the finest materials.
I am walking, down a path which has no end.
I see people around me and I realize that this pathway is my life,
I intersect paths with many and vice versa.
Although I look down and notice that the bottom of my dress is covered in dirt.
Oh well I thought, It happens.
I came across certain people in my life, They threw red mud and dirt at me, staining my beautiful white dress.
These people were supposed to be friends, mentors, people I could count on.
I guess not, I tried to wipe the mud and dirt off, but it just made it worse.
Oh well, It happens.
I continued on in my journey,
And I met the most wonderful person,
He took my dirt and my mud away, and made me feel whole again,
I twirled in my now restored dress, and felt beautiful.
He and I walked together for sometime, but for some reason,
I walked ahead of him, I still knew he was there, however.
And as I walked on in my adventure,
I met more people and these people didn't throw mud at me,
they instead gave me flowers and words of wisdom.
Yet somewhere on my path, I made a wrong turn a wrong choice.
I began to collect dust and dirt, had people throw mud at me,
I even began to think that I wasn't worthy of this white dress and began to purposely run into people who would throw mud and dirt at me.
By the end of what seemed like my road, I collapsed,
from pain, guilt, worry, and tones of other things.
I glanced down at my white dress, the one that was fit for a bride, was now covered in dirt and mud, so much that you couldn't even tell that it was white originally.
He walked toward me and I cowered,
"No" I said. "Don't come closer, You shouldn't see me like this, I'm not worthy."
He laughed, "Caitlin, I've been with you since the beginning, I've seen you at your best and at your worst. Don't fear what I think of you. To me you will always be beautiful. No matter what."
I still wasn't sure, yet as he reached he hand out to me, I grasped it and he pulled me to my feet.
He said "You accepted my help, that's the first step."
And at his words, my white dress was restored yet again.
"But it will just get ***** again" I stated, somewhat confused.
He shook his head, "Now you need to believe in me. That's step two."
"Believe? What you mean?"
"Believe. That's all you have to do. Open your heart and let me in."
I closed my eyes, Opened my heart, and smiled.
"I believe."
We started our journey after that.
He always walked beside me, I never ran ahead.
The best part?
No dirt caught on my dress, no mud either.
1.6k · Jan 2015
Dreaming of You
Caitlin Jan 2015
I close my eyes, letting my body succumb to glorious sleep.
My mind wandered.. always making its way to you.
I subconsciously smiled, the way I do when I think of you.
Your face appeared in my mind and I began to dream..

I was dressed in a green floor length ball gown,
With pairs of dancers all around me,
I grin up at my partner, a faceless man.
When the song ends, I slowly clap for the ensemble.

I glance down at the pearl colored dance card tied to my wrist.
A slow smile comes to my face,
I realize my next two dances belong to you.

As you make your way to me,
My eyes appreciate the suit that you're wearing,
Perfectly tailored to your lean and tall body.

You bow, I curtsy.
The Maestro cues the ensemble.
As a simple three step waltz begins,
You take my hand,
and I wrap my other one around your shoulder.
Your other hand gently holds my waist.
We dance, gracefully taking command of the dance floor.

One dance ends and another starts,
As you keep your hold on me,
I'm reminded that this dance belongs to you as well.
I glance at my dance card again
And I notice that my next dance belongs
To someone I'd rather not dance with..
The same man that my father wants me to marry.

You look flustered You say, taking in my slight blush.
I am. After this dance, will you accompany me to the refreshment table? I ask, looking into your light brown eyes.
Anything, my lady. You say and my next breath seems to disappear.

The dance sadly comes to an end,
And we both clap for the orchestra.
You hold you arm out for my arm and I grasp your elbow.
A man comes up to us,
Sir Daniel and Lady Emily. He greets us.
My Lady, Did you forget that this next dance belongs to me?
He asks of me, I slowly smile at him.
Sir Caleb, I did not forget but I am feeling flustered so Sir Daniel has offered to accompany me to the refreshment table. I stated as gently as I could.
But what about our dance, My Lady? He questioned, glancing at Sir Daniel.
As soon as I feel better, I am yours to take to the dance floor, I'll even dance two with you. I state, and quickly regret my words.
Wonderful, My Lady he said and bowed, took my hand and kissed my palm, I look forward to it.
I felt you stiffen next to me as Sir Caleb kissed my palm.
Come, My Lady, and lets get you some wine. You stated.
I grasped your elbow once again and led me to the buffet.
You walked toward it and the servant poured two glasses of white wine.
You handed me one of them,
How is it possible that you look more flustered than you did a few minutes ago? You ask me.
You know why. I stated. I glanced up at you, you smiled.
Yes, I do, Would you like to get some fresh air. You said with a double meaning in your words.
Your eyes search mine, wishing, wanting me to say yes.
Gladly. I think the fresh air will do me good, especially now.
I state, earning a smile from you.

You offer me your arm and I grasp it.
You lead me toward the double doors,
That lead out to the Balcony and gardens.
A butler opens one for us, and you gesture for me to walk through.
I walk toward the end of the balcony and breath in the cool crisp air.
You follow me, and stop a little short of where I'm standing.
Tell me, My Lady, What's troubling you so? You ask me.

I turn to face you and sadly smile,
Sir Caleb, the gentlemen that was next on my dance card; Is the man that my Father wants me to marry.
You walk toward me, Have you tried to reason with him? Told him how you feel?
I laughed. Reason isn't a part of my father's vocabulary. Believe me, I've tried, But Sir Caleb is a business partner that my father wants to add on to his company. It's never a matter of love for him.
You sadly smiled and said, What about your parents? They are clearly in love. Wouldn't your mother be in object to this?
No, actually. My Mother was a product of an arranged marriage too, She just fell in love eventually.
Oh, But I won't fall in love with Sir Caleb, I cant!
I cry.
Come with me, I don't want to attract any more attention. You whisper in my ear, and you lead me down to the steps that lead down to the garden and to a bench, far enough away from the party still inside.

Now tell me, mademoiselle, Why you simply cannot marry, this Caleb? He seeming alright when I met him in the ballroom.
I though about the question You just asked.
How do I go about answering that?
I..I just know I cant. For...
For what? You urged.
For I'm in love with someone else. I said, panicking.  
You stiffen again, beside me.
Well, whoever it is, I swear, they better treat you right, Or they will regret it.  
You said those words with such conviction, that my heart welled up with even more love than I thought humanly possible.
That would a little bit strange I said, knowing that I couldn't turn back now.
I reached for your hand and grasped it.
You looked down at our intertwined hands and glance at me
Your eyes search mine as you slowly fit the pieces together.
You open your mouth to say something and change your mind and close it again.
You eyes continue to search mine while your other hand reaches up to grasp my cheek.
My dear Emily, I've dreamed of this day, where I could finally hold you.
Daniel, so have I.
And with that confession, you slanted your lips on mine. I reached up with my other hand and ran it through your brown hair.
I closed my eyes as the joy of kissing you runs down my body.
Your hand grazes my cheek, and slowly moves down to my neck. you grasp my neck as if you never want to end the kiss.
We pull apart only because we need to breath.
If we hadn't needed to breath, we would have never stopped.
I look at you, Your breathing hard, just like I am.
I pull you back toward me, this time it's me controlling the kiss.
Although, You fight me for dominance.
I know I should have thought of the possibility of being caught, of being thrown out of society.
But the only thought that was in my mind, was that I'm finally kissing you , and that know that I have You, I'm not letting you go.
You move your hand down to my waist and I untwine our hands to move mine to your neck and my other one down your broad chest.
You moan and hold me tighter to you.
You bite my lip and I gasp, allowing you to slip your tongue in my mouth, and if I thought that that kissing you was pleasure enough the feeling of your tongue on mine, was exhilarating.
Your hand starts to make swirls on my lower back and the pure sensation of it all is more than I can handle.
I regretfully pulled away.
You look down at me and smile.
Your lips are swollen, but why'd you pull back?
Because if I didn't we wouldn't have been able to stop, and you might have needed to marry me to protect my reputation. I smiled.
That wouldn't have been a problem
Those words hit me at my core and I swear my heart stopped beating.
Does that mean that you feel the same way I do? That I'm not dreaming this?
If anything,  My Emily, I love you more than the heart possible can.
And I love you to the moon and back, from infinity and beyond.
You kissed me again.

And with that, I woke up. My alarm clock blaring in my ear.
I groan, wanting to return to dreamland, where you'd finally be mine.
But, alas, I must enter reality where I must go back to simply being your shadow and being invisible.
I sigh, and close my eyes allowing myself a few more minutes in dreamland.
Not what I normally write but the idea just came to me. and then I couldn't stop writing. Hope you like it.
1.5k · Jan 2015
The New.
Caitlin Jan 2015
This is the start of a brand new year,
The start of new beginning,
Of new friendships,
Of new trips and parties,
Of new accomplishments,
Of new lessons to be learned and taught.

Happy 2015 everyone!
Hope it's an awesome year!!
1.5k · Aug 2015
I hope you're happy.
Caitlin Aug 2015
I hope you're happy.
Wherever you are.

I hope I still haunt you, though.
All the words you said to me that were like bullets,
The actions you took just to make a point.
I hope something reminds you of that and you regret it.

I hope you're happy.
This is not about a guy I dated, for I haven't dated anyone. This is about my section leader from a few years ago. Please don't hate on my writing, its very rude.
1.5k · Dec 2014
Wishing You were Here Again
Caitlin Dec 2014
Again with regards to The Phantom,
I wish you were here again.

Just so I can show you,
How mush I've excelled,
Without you.
1.4k · Apr 2014
unknown
Caitlin Apr 2014
What is the unknown?
How do we know that which we don't know?
A mystery maybe..
A journey for each of us to take..
A life time of asking questions..
Maybe....
1.3k · Feb 2015
Excitement
Caitlin Feb 2015
I'm going to States!
My solo went terrible but my judge was very generous with me and he saw potential in me, So he passed me through.
Yeah!!!
1.3k · Jan 2015
I Dreamed A Dream
Caitlin Jan 2015
I once dreamed of a life where all was how I wanted it,
He was there, by my side, never leaving.
Her and I were talking again, and all my friends got along.
I never had to worry if what I was doing was goo enough because my parents were fine with anything I did, as long as I was happy.
I never had a problem with communication or showing my true feelings


But it was only a dream..
1.2k · Nov 2014
Love
Caitlin Nov 2014
I deserve better than this, don't I?

All I'm asking....

*Is for someone to love me back
1.2k · Mar 2014
Mad
Caitlin Mar 2014
Mad
I am mad
Mostly
At myself

I could have
Done something
Yet I chose
Not to

Why?
I don't know
Why did I not
Do anything?

I am mad
At me, myself
And I

I chose not to act
On my beliefs and ideas
On my viewpoint
To help

Why?
I was afraid

Simpy afraid
1.1k · Mar 2014
.......afraid.......
Caitlin Mar 2014
I do
Not
Want to
Be
Afraid.

How
Can
I not be?
Afraid

It was
My lifestyle
For a very
Long time


I need to
Break
Out of
My
Shell.
This is general- not talking about on  particular thing or person.
1.1k · Dec 2014
Line challenge
Caitlin Dec 2014
Be my guest
I write to remember that
I have emotion.
Its not my intention
to be liked at all.
Yeah I'd like to
be loved if its possible.

By: thebelljar*

This is me.
I could not have said it better.
I stay hidden,
But I'd like to be noticed.
This is my dream.
Caitlin Apr 2014
What is it about you that keeps me coming back?
You were my longest crush.
I pictured you as my first kiss.
But what was it that made you hate me so much?

Why does my mind wander to you every spare moment?
Is it because my mind visits my heart when it wanders?
Why have I given you a piece of my heart,
Yet have NOTHING in return?!

What made me want you?
What made me seek for your approval?
Why did I long for your attention?

What is wrong with me?
Is it me?
Or was it you?
*Or both?
1.0k · May 2014
HOW?
Caitlin May 2014
How will I be able to say
Goodbye?

To those who helped create
Who I am today?

To those who held me
When I cried?

To those who I wish
I could have another week with?

To those who I said I hated
yet secretly held a place in my heart?

How will I be able to utter those words...
Goodbye

**I don't want to have to say them
1.0k · Nov 2014
Safe Haven
Caitlin Nov 2014
It's not at home..
Not at church...

It's with music
999 · Jul 2014
What I like most
Caitlin Jul 2014
What I like most is not the flowers
not the rising sun
or the falling moon

What I like most is not smiles
or fun
It is not the few looks of love
neither the looks of admiration

What I like most is not summer nights
or school days
It is not snow or rain

Now even though i like and even love majority of what I mentioned,
This is what I like most;

*The moment before a performance or rehearsal
Where we are all ready for our director to speak and instruct,
And we are silent.
Right before we take that first breath to begin the song,
Where we all feel connected, through Music
I am missing these moments now, during the summer, where all of the band kinds go our separate ways, but only a few more weeks before band camp!!
909 · Dec 2014
The Phantom
Caitlin Dec 2014
Such as in The Phantom Of The Opera,
I have been visited by an Angel of Music...

Only I wish that He won't come back..

To Him,
My Angel of Music,
You really truly are a Phantom..
How I wish You weren't.
872 · Jan 2015
Band-Aids
Caitlin Jan 2015
I just ran out of band-Aids.
I have none left for me...
Tonight... Tonight was terrible.
859 · May 2015
Mothers
Caitlin May 2015
Happy Mother's Day!
To those who are mothers,
To those giving birth,
To those barren yet love others.

To those who are single dads,
Because you are mothers in your own way.
To the grandmothers, and aunts.
To the mother-in-laws.

To the daughters and sons,
Who no longer have there mothers in flesh.
To the orphans and broken.
To you.

Happy Mother's Day
Because face it,
We've all acted as a mother in one way or another.
858 · Mar 2015
Be There
Caitlin Mar 2015
I will be there,
When you are falling apart,
When you have tears in your eyes,
When you have nothing left to live for,
When you have everything to lose,
I will be there.

The question is
Will you be there?
835 · Mar 2017
Inside Jokes
Caitlin Mar 2017
I feel like a lot of relationships take the next step, when all it takes is one word, and the both of us are smiling or laughing.
I've got a lot of inside jokes with my family here on campus.
It's great.
829 · Jul 2014
My Love (10)
Caitlin Jul 2014
My Love,
I wish I knew who you are.
Caitlin
I believe in soul mates and the fact the most of us have a special someone waiting for us in the world, and maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic, but I hope that I'll find my Prince Charming...
822 · Jan 2015
I Fear...
Caitlin Jan 2015
I fear that this feeling inside of me won't go away.
I fear that this depression will consume me.
I fear that I will bleed until I come to my senses.
I fear what would happen of people found out..
I fear what you, whose reading this will say.
I fear me.
I fear this change.
I fear me.
Please don't take this the wrong way....
Caitlin Jul 2015
When I was oh, so younger
I used to rule the day
Catching toads
And flying paper planes
Until the lure of pretty girls
Got right in the way
My destiny came calling
And I chased it on the run
Time goes by while tears run smiles
And not every day is fun

The chase was fun,
But oh, how it ended.
They no longer caught my fancy.
I turned to games and friends instead
Until one day, girls started to chase me

And what a merry chase it was
Living and loving just because
Age is a constant gardener
A teacher of self and suffering
The premise of life eternal
An opening of not merely eye
But heart, mind and soul
To find love is to know life
And to know life is life eternal
Captive on a carousel of time
The world is yours, ours and mine

We fell in love and the world erupted in fireworks.
Nothing could have been better.
The pure joy that I felt with her was unrivaled by nothing I've ever felt before.
She was the one.

The one who became my other
Who completed me
Who took me to places love had never shown me
And felt like home
A place to belong
Yes...she was the one


No other could take her place.
She was mine,
Just as I was hers.
We were one, together,
Yet still just me and her.


And in that we found our destiny
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