It’s been a while since I’ve written
A long while

A lot has changed and I have grown a lot
I’m not sure if I’ll keep writing but who knows

Do you ever have something in your grasp,
Something good
Something that makes you happy
Then the world cracks apart and you feel like you’ve lost it??
Maybe forever?
I hope not.

There are words I want to say
But I don’t want to scare you away.
We’ve known each other forever
I don’t want to lose you, No never
Even though we are just friends
Three words can change us dramatically
It’s funny, because I use those word with my other friends, but with you it’s different.
Should I take a chance?

I feel like a lot of relationships take the next step, when all it takes is one word, and the both of us are smiling or laughing.
I've got a lot of inside jokes with my family here on campus.
It's great.

Maybe we've both matured.
Maybe we've just drifted.
Maybe we were meant for only a short amount of time.
Maybe we were meant for this fate..

That doesn't mean I don't miss you though.

Is it too much to ask to be happy?
To have someone who honestly makes me happy?
To have my heart smile when he walks in the room?
To have a half dozen inside jokes, where all it takes is one word and we ae both laughing?
To have someone to know me better than I know myself?
To be loved?
And to love them back with all my being?
Is it too much to ask if I can be happy?

I feel like I continuously go through a cycle where I finally meet someone who makes me happy and then I begin doubting everything and insecurities creep into my head..
I can't breath and every little thing bugs me. I retreat back with in my head and it freaks people out.
If only, I could tell my heart to remain guarded all the time. I don't want to be like this, but every time, I get hurt. And I don't even have a reason to be. Its all in my head..

So, I learned today that I minimize my own pain and hurt for someone else's
Not to belittle myself, but to be more compassionate of the other person
And that little tidbit of info, really changed my perspective of a lot of things..

Why does everything seem to happen right at the beginning of something?
Although I suppose that you cant have a beginning of a book, without something happening, or at the beginning of a new chapter.
I just wish sometimes things would slow down, or just stop all together.
Second semester hasn't really even started and I've already had my absolute worst day ever..
But things are semi looking up, I think.

It's been so long since I've been home,
I can't wait to go back.
College is great, but there is something about home;
That keeps calling me back.

I can tell you how beautiful my roommates look when they don't even try.
I can tell you all the colors of the sunset and how tragically beautiful the bare trees look.
I can tell you how silky his voice is to my ears,
I can show you the best things in music and nature.
I can show you all the amazing parts of people's souls.
But what I can't do, is tell you of the scars that I have.
I can't tell every story of how I got each blemish on my skin.
I can't tell you what I love most about myself, but I could tell you everything I hate about myself.
I can't look at myself in the mirror for more than 2 seconds.
I don't see all those beautiful things in myself.
I just can't.

I've been told that I care too much.
And this is actually true.
My heart is too big,
Too open,
Too willing to simply give.
That I need to pull back some,
I come off too strong.

Its very hard for me to hate someone,
It's just something that I do.
You can hurt me,
Way down in my core,
Emotionally, Physically, Mentally
But You will still have part of my heart.

Some people say that this isn't good,
that its a curse.
How so?
I love people,
Yes, maybe more than I should.
But do people complain about loving too much?
Shouldn’t we be more concerned about those that aren’t loved enough?
Those that go through life broken, and damaged?

I am simply one person,
Who cares.
A lot for the people around me.
Strangers, people I’ve only met briefly,
Friends since birth, and yes,
Even you.

I want to say something loud and clear tonight.
I am me.
I am Caitlin Moody.
Born and raised Floridian,
Singer, French Horn player
Poet.
Roommate, Friend.
I often care too much,
I love too much.
I get hurt,
I fall.
But see the thing is,
I always get up.
Always.

22 hours.
That's how far away I am from home.
I was ****** into a whole new environment,
Half the time, I'm freezing.
and the other half,
I swear Michigan is winning over my heart.

And that's ok.

You don't see how you've hurt me.
You don't see my pain.
You don't see why I'm so afraid,
Afraid of you, afraid of talking to you.
You don't see your mistake.
You don't see your failure.
You don't see anyone but yourself, do you?

I hate this feeling.
Of worthlessness
Of pity
Of "I told you so"
Of being used.

Especially when it's from you.

I can't trust myself when I'm alone anymore.
The silence is almost dreading.
I can't breath properly anymore.
The will isn't there.
I can't think straight anymore.
The thoughts are so jumbled, so tangled.
I can't anymore.
This has to stop.

The funny thing is,
You don't know what you did to make me react this way.
And I don't know how to tell you.

How can I tell you that my heart throbs when I look at you?
That the physical pain of avoiding you, even though it was your idea, Hurts so much I can't stand it.
How can I tell you, that I'm afraid of losing you?
That I'm afraid of being used by you, and then just thrown away...

I can't tell you that.
Ever

I love to laugh,
I will laugh at my best friends face,
jokes, someone else's laugh,
I laugh at inside jokes,
even ones that happened months ago.

For me, laughter is the best medicine.
If I'm down, or haven't laughed in a while,
You know something is wrong.

I don't want to get hurt again.
I don't want to be hurt.
It's a feeling of emptiness.
It's a waiting game.
I hate it.
You started our conversations,
But now I seem to be more invested in them.
I'm the one catching feelings,
And what's even worse,
You don't even know.
*CGMW

I'm so lost without you.
Come back to me?

My past is not simply my past.
For a while it haunted me, like a ghost.
But now, it is a reminder;
Of my mistakes,
Of where I've come from
Of who I don't want to become
Of what I want to escape from
But my past is just that.
Mine.
Nothing can change that.
I've accepted it.
My past is my history.
I've got to look forward now.

As I enter into 2016, I find myself wondering.
Where will this year take me?
Where will I be lead to go?
For college? For life?
And as I'm wondering I can't help but smile,
Because the future is full of mysteries;
But I'm talking it one day at a time.

I feel awesome.
I love the holidays,
It brings such joy and happiness to all.
I wish you all the very best holidays and new year!

I got butterflies with you.
When I was anticipating me seeing you.
When you showed me card tricks.
When you mentioned the ten of hearts

I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic.
But I can't have you, not now.
You have someone else.

I've been talking to you for a while now...
You seemed interested.. But at the same time not.
I thought you knew I liked you.
I guess not.
Because now you have a girl.
And it's not me.
Oops.
I guess I should get over these feelings then.
Sorry.
I'll stop.

I am gasping for air.
My eyes see nothing but blues, greens, and blacks.
My arms tangle with waves and my legs are pumping, treading water.
This ravenous sea has taken me captive and isn't letting go
It pulls me under and I silently scream.
I cannot let this win me over.
I propels legs and will my body to go above the waves.
I am gasping for air as my head breaks the waves.
I see my savior, a ships light.
I scream and wave my arms as best I could with the waves still fighting to keep their captive.
A search lights starts swaying; they've heard me!
I am gasping for air,
Sitting huddled in a blanket aboard the ship.
I am saved.

Is this truly what pain feels like?
I don't need a razor,
You are the blade against my skin.
I don't need a savior,
I'm too far in this hell hole that I created,
I don't need advice,
I know what I'm doing, most of the time.
I don't need this pain,
You're my pain.
I never asked for this.
Is this what true pain feels like?
An already broken heart,
Being shattered again?
And again?
A world that I've worked so hard to bulid around me?
Coming down in pieces?
My walls, in parts and torn,
Being crumbled to dust?
Is this what pain is??

I haven't written anything it seems in  years,
No thoughts or ideas have popped into my mind.
I have a blank slate of a brain....

I'm afraid I'm gonna have a panic attack,
Or a mental break down and start crying....

I'm singing on Sunday,
I'm a nervous wreck.
It's bad....

I want to look in the mirror
And see what others see in me.
What makes me so special?
What makes me so different?
What makes me wear my heart on my sleeve?
What makes me me?

Do you think I wanted my life to go this ?

I wish I were a cloud,
Far in the distance.
Where nobody bothers me, 
Where I'll be alone with my thoughts. 
Where I can be me. 
I wish I were a cloud,
Can I be a cloud?
Where I'd be floating and carefree.
Can I be a cloud?

Blue, blue.
Nothing but blue.
As far as I can see. 
I feel so alone; 
Standing next to it,
It's so big, and so important,
And what am I?
Nothing, and nobody.
Blue, blue.
Nothing but blue.

I will not cry.
I will not cry.
I will not let my emotions get the best of me.
Not again.

Will baring my emotions though my poetry ever be enough?
Is it ever enough to wear my heart on my sleeve?
Are my emotions ever enough for anyone?

I hope you're happy.
Wherever you are.

I hope I still haunt you, though.
All the words you said to me that were like bullets,
The actions you took just to make a point.
I hope something reminds you of that and you regret it.

I hope you're happy.

I need to be broken,
In order to build myself back up again.

Why are you coming to my thoughts?
The crushes, small time romances, the guys I liked.
Why am I thinking of you???

I almost called you by his name today..
Why is he in my mind again?
I don't want him there.

I hear him when you play too..
Its so weird and confusing.
Brain, can you stop this?

What do I want most in life?
I have no idea.