My body pressed down by stacks of dictionaries and thesauruses
And people desperate to iron out my creases before they need to use me,
I lay flat against the map of the town, my cheek brushing a tree’s branches.
The paper town is pretty to perfection, all done down in diffused pastels
It’s long and tall, but it has zero broadness to its name-
A perfect match for me in those days leading up to a stint in rehab
But SHHHHH!! We’re aren’t allowed to talk about rehab.
The river that flows unassumingly through town traces a line across my thighs,
Covering up with its blue murk the lil red scratches that paint my skin
But SHHHHH!! We’re aren’t allowed to talk about those problems either.
The paper town is quiet and quaint on the face,
Which is good given there’s not much else to see here.
The infinities wasted here linger below like the taste of peanut butter
But anyone could see from a glance the lives frozen in one serene moment
What they can’t see, the part that’s hidden under the soil, the second layer of paper
Is that the moment is surely fading into a photograph
And slowly, slowly, slowly… the paper town is home only to pathetic paper people.
Picture perfect. Perfect picture.
I can feel my heart disintegrating with each passing day I can’t give it any meaning
And I can feel my blood boiling with each day the powers that be control me and I don’t know why
I can’t find any rhyme or reason that works for me, I can’t find a meaning to be me, or being this
I’m made of paper, blowing in the wind wherever it wants to take me
I’m a powerless slip of paper with a painted on smile fading in the brilliant sunlight I’m driving into.
I fade. I’m not even a fresh paper anymore.
But I feel doomed to be a paper forever. So I fade.

Her heart was a secret garden
With walls to dwarf the Eiffel Tower
Mine, on the other hand, was a pebble on the beach
Completely open and natural
Her body was an oasis awarded to the worthy traveler
Displayed in the Louvre with the lights angled just so
Mine, on the other hand, was a cave on a mountain
Privacy’s abode, enclosed with ancient stone armor.
It was just the two of us alone in a hotel room
With Paris, France peering in on us.
She was the best friend I’d been yearning for,
The lover my childhood crush could never have been,
The sister who showed me how to understand myself,
And she was the girlfriend I was never brave enough to imagine.

Perhaps…
The girl directly across from me now
Is the very one I was a decade ago.
She is not at all overweight
Bu will waste the rest of her life being told she is.
She is not sick or troubled today
But soon the ways of the world will take their toll, no refunds or exchanges.
And perhaps then, when she has been broken completely,
She will be depressed and overweight and uncared for.
But perhaps she will beat the system yet
And find a way to be a functioning woman,
Happy with herself, at peace with her mind.
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

I had a teacher once-
Actually, I had him for four years straight-
Who wasn’t quite like the others.
I hated testing with him.
He insisted it had to be individual,
So he could really know everything he had to know about us.
It’s only a few times every couple months
But still, it’s a nightmare no one is ready to endure
He’d take you into a teeny, tiny room
Lock the door. Lock the windows.
Pull all the shades down.
It’s very important you be alone, in a cocoon of privacy.
And you have to make music for him;
You never know what he’ll ask for
But once he asks you always have to do it,
Exactly how he likes it.
Even if how he likes it really isn’t right.
He calls you “darling”, “honey”, “dear”
But you know he doesn’t love you like he pretends to
Because it gives you chills, and not in a good way,
When he strokes your back or touches your shoulder or arm
He always has to be making eye contact with your chest
But that isn’t why none of the boys ever have to test.
All the girls get it though, have to wait in line for it
He stretches the process out so it takes weeks to burn through all the girls
I think he likes that none of them have a way of escaping;
I didn’t escape until right before I reached high school.
But I still call myself one of the luckier ones
Because most of his girls still haven’t escaped testing.
The tests will be extra long today. “We’re halfway to goodbye”, he’ll say.
“A lot to do today,” he’ll tell them. “You can’t escape this, line on up.”
He controls what you wear and how you stand,
He guides your arms, so they only go where he wants them to.
That tiny room is a prison, and I’m so lucky I escaped.
But the story will not end as long as I’m alive.
It was a few months after I set myself free.
I was walking down the street, feeling much happier than my 14 years.
And it felt like the world was pretty and fine.
Until I walked past a group of boys who thought I was pretty and fine.
They swooped in, catcalls aplenty;
I ignored them. Outrage.
They grabbed me.
And by time I was alone again, boys nowhere to be seen,
It felt like nothing was fine,
And everyone was a predator
And it forced me to dwell on the facts
That I don’t feel brave or strong anymore and…
That I don’t know where the old me ran off to and…
And…
That I’m not fine anymore.

How sad, how tragic,
How tragically sad.
A girl with not fifteen summers of life
Holding a nation’s affairs on her ebony shoulders.
Such a pretty young thing,
Strongminded and headstrong.
So bright
And a truly sweet flower.
That head is far too young for that crown
But not a thing is to be done
To stop this flower from being crushed
Without crushing her petals in the process.

What would you do if I broke down on the outside
You’re far more decent than any of your friends, your peers, any of the rest
But that’s when you’re looking me in the eye and I’m perfectly in control of myself
But would you be just as kind to me if I lost control right next to you
If I couldn’t stop the tears would you acknowledge that they exist
Or would you go back to ignoring me like the rest of them did so long ago
Would I affect you in the way of humans, the one they’re all immune to

I like them a little bit older
The ones who can get a bit bolder
I like them a little more mature
The ones who really know when they’re sure
I like them a little bit stronger
The ones who tend to last much longer
I like them a little more fiery
The ones who can fill up my diary
I like them little bit braver
The ones who chase a bold flavor
I like them just a little more ready
The ones who are almost ready for me.

It’s in the smallest sounds
The briefest touches
The shortest glimpse
The most fleeting feeling
The faintest scent

It’s in the loudest symphonies
The longest entanglement
The seemingly endless moment shared between wandering gazes stopped
The lasting, lingering instinct
The strongest, most pungent aroma

It’s in an informal talk with a friend
A polite minute long conversation with a stranger
A speech given
A comment overheard
A phrase dropped
A joke made
A remark pointed

It’s in the violent torrents of stinging drops
The gentlest whispers of snowflakes dancing
The beacons of golden hope shining down undefeatable
The spiraling wisps twirling to the ground from their noble perch up above
The tiny fragments of faraway life sailing on the invisible breeze from one life to another

It’s the renewal every human needs,
That once in a while of going on
That inescapable truth: we’re only human
That once every so often we accept
That everyone can only take so much

We all need something to hold
We all need something to hope
We all need something to roam
We all need something to go
We all need something to have

It’s the renewal
And it’s everywhere
It’s in our waters
And in our fires
It’s in our air
And in our earth

Everywhere someone can find it
Everywhere someone will need it
It’s everywhere you look
It’s everywhere you need
That’s what renewal happens to give.

His voice is a smooth velvety depth
Full and rich deepness like rushing blood
It calls to mind summer sweetnesses
Like ice cream, the kind you only find on a boardwalk by the tumbling waves
Like basking in soft sunlight on skin,
Cool water in your best friend’s pool
If only there couldn’t be too much of a thing,
If only depths could be infinite in safety
Because I know I wouldn’t be the first to drown
I wouldn’t be the first to fall for sunshine and get burned,
Not the second to feel home in rich depth and forget who I was before,
Not the third person to say I could tread water up to my neck and find I couldn’t.
1-15-18

Eyes roaming the room of riches
Like a tiny dancer bouncing on the air.
Eyes roaming round and round and round
Like the florid horse on a beach-town carousel.
Eyes roaming round the room of riches
Like someone getting ready for a takedown.

And those took me down.

The noblest name
Hand traced inexorable rage
Pleasing moralist, page refined
Deepest knowledge of the mind
Tender poet, a foreign tongue
Language that he sung
Bard of brilliant, unlicensed page
Shame and glory
Prince of harmony, stirling sense
Ancient dramatist
Bard paints imagination’s powers
Whose song revives departed hours
Boldness of design surpassing all
Names rightly read
Gather all their glories

She was an artist
Built from tragic beauty.

She was a house of pain
Walking and talking as if not.

She was a house of cards
In more ways than one.

She was a mother of sorrow
In her bay of desperation.

She was never more than a failure
A stumbling sack of lousy thoughts.

She was just a concerned former-citizen
And a prisoner of her childhood memories.

But, because she spent her life dreaming,
She was an esteemed champion.

Hail the morning sun of hope
But may beauty stay untouched
Hail the evening stars of love
Gray days transform to pure grace
Hail the slivers of purity intact still
Let them prove the mercy shining above
Hail the cries and tears of crushing joy
Encase them, preserve the savior divine
Hail fervent whispers screaming “Hail Mary”
For nothing speaks of love like a prayer
Hail this time, kiss sorrow goodbye as she flutters away
Leaving no trace as she washes the heart with blessing cleanse
Hail the saving acts and running souls employing the disguise
Though hearts remain heavy and minds find no rest through nights alone
Hail silver and gold with emerald and peacock hues glistening abreast
For a celebration with swirling chaos is heavenly indeed
Hail the ones with invisible haloes shining to upstage the dark
For so declares the only soulful angel I have ever seen
Have endless hope and you will never be let down
Be wary of outward beauty because what is true is within

And learn to love everyone you encounter and never close your arms
Give the grace of God to the ungodly and bring sunlight through the storm
Perfect your soul and embrace purity with all her challenges and ideals
Make room for all at your table and never fail in your mercy or empathy
Jail the enemies of love and grace so that you may only revel in joy
Sweetly offer hands up, down, and around until the savior comes again
Hang a Hail Mary and hold your hands together when the going gets tough
Protect small and large souls, for all have weakness and some have not a prayer
Saints move not but do not doubt they feel human sorrow in their gentle hands
Bunch weeds to beauteous bouquets and bows make a blessing
Drag through as you may be for there is evil in a monstrous disguise
Hold love first and foremost, for nothing else might heal a heavy soul
Greatness comes down from glistening wings when the time is right
He who keeps a heavenly and holy heart ascends the stairs to a pearl
He who remembers the mother with her divine halo at his side keeps her
So declares the angel, but such sweetness breaks upon the rough touch of earth

The energy of a thousand suns cannot feed a hungry soul
The strength of s thousand suns cannot heal a hurting soul
Where are you
When I need you?
We’re Close as brothers
But that’s not our fault
We’re Far as strangers
But that’s not our fault
Life did this to us
Life made us
God decided what happened
Even if the guilt haunts me forever.
10-31-17

The energy of a thousand suns cannot feed a hungry soul
The strength of s thousand suns cannot heal a hurting soul
Where are you
When I need you?
We’re Close as brothers
But that’s not our fault
We’re Far as strangers
But that’s not our fault
Life did this to us
Life made us
God decided what happened
Even if the guilt haunts me forever.
10-31-17

She bent heaven for me
And I raised hell for her
Now there’s someone in my head
But it’s not someone who’s like me.

She made herself an angel
And I became one with the devil
Now there’s someone in my head
But it’s a voice that has never been mine.

She built a boat to outdo the Titanic
And I battled my way through the Black Sea
Now there’s someone in my head
But it’s someone I never thought could get to me.

We did what we had to do
But at a cost we didn’t count
Now there’s someone in my head
And I don’t know if she feels what I feel.

All around me these people stare
And I’m supposed to impress them.
I really wish I could say something real,
Something that doesn't sound so insane
But lately, I don't trust my brain, not at all
You tell me I won't ever change- but I have
So I just keep my teeth ground together
No matter how bad I wish I could say something.
I’m surrounded by you and your friends
And you keep running your mouth at me
I have so much to say to you all
I so desperately wish I could say something
But my lips are glued and glossed
Because you’re too cowardly to see my brain
No matter what, I say nothing. Nothing at all.

Sometimes life
Calls upon us
To have faith
In what we do not know
Or cannot see

But, from the other side of experience,
I’ve figured out
That life in turn
Will teach you
Anything and everything
You need to know
You will learn your lessons
Even if sometimes
You have to do the ***** work
And rough it by yourself

And along the way
You’ll find someone
Who’ll stick by you through thick and thin
And you’ll learn together
Knowing your days of lonely have passed

Life takes away amber
Sometimes well before it should
But slides some bronze in its place
And you’ll find that nothing lasts forever,
Even the pain
Because life can never give up
Or stop moving
Once it gets started

You’ll find life doing what you can’t
You will hate it and you will love it
And to top it all off:
There’s a view from the top
Well worth shedding a few tears over

And sometimes…
Life just has a message for us
Something it’s time to hear
Sometimes that’s all it is
It all just comes down to love
Who and what we need
Who we’re there for
What we do for love..
Love of the self we all need
Love of another we all seem to crave
Sometimes that’s all it is
All it ever will be

Sometimes life
Calls upon us
To have faith
In what we do not know
Or cannot see

But, from the other side of experience,
I’ve figured out
That life in turn
Will teach you
Anything and everything
You need to know
You will learn your lessons
Even if sometimes
You have to do the ***** work
And rough it by yourself

And along the way
You’ll find someone
Who’ll stick by you through thick and thin
And you’ll learn together
Knowing your days of lonely have passed

Life takes away amber
Sometimes well before it should
But slides some bronze in its place
And you’ll find that nothing lasts forever,
Even the pain
Because life can never give up
Or stop moving
Once it gets started

You’ll find life doing what you can’t
You will hate it and you will love it
And to top it all off:
There’s a view from the top
Well worth shedding a few tears over

And sometimes…
Life just has a message for us
Something it’s time to hear
Sometimes that’s all it is
It all just comes down to love
Who and what we need
Who we’re there for
What we do for love..
Love of the self we all need
Love of another we all seem to crave
Sometimes that’s all it is
All it ever will be

A work of splendor,
God’s personal masterpiece.
As tall and as wide as a treetop song.
White as a winter morning
But only in the center
Gray goose down on the bottom
Blue-tinged on the top half.
Extravagant enough to drown out anything,
Breathtakingly miraculous
The woman it shelters, on the other hand…
A plain creature of no spectacles, average beauty
The cape this showwoman has donned
Doesn’t match who she is.
Which makes them both far more beautiful to me.

She glimmered in so many ways,
And she hid no part of herself.

She motivated a hundred men to come running,
And she sent them running right back home.

She created a raw art form out of her being,
And she powered it with her energy.

She developed herself in a constant determination to grow,
And made it her mission to spread this change.

She dreamed up a world all her own in her mind’s eye,
And built it to reality with her own bare hands.

She blossomed from the lap of pure luxury,
And redefined everything about it.

She may have been built from diamonds, but there was more to her!
She had been fashioned from saturated starlight.

It’s gotten to the point where she won’t speak to me
And I wouldn’t speak to her if she did
Already once I’ve tried only to be ignored
And I have decided I really won’t try again
It’s gotten to the point where I don’t want to see her
Not how I have no interest in hanging out
The point that I do not want to be around her
And she acts like she never sees me anyway

And yet there is not ill will
I bear none, I detect none
I want none, but I don’t know about her

She doesn’t care about me at all
And I really can’t say I care for her
What are we then
Not friends or enemies or strangers
Or are we strangers again
Can we be strangers again
After all this time, purely nothing
Not a thing to each other
I think I’d like that
Or maybe I’d hate it
Maybe both, I don’t know
But I do understand
That something we worked so hard to build
Shows no sign of itself nowadays
So it appears we are strangers again
Well, I suppose there’s a bittersweet tinge
To knowing it and feeling it

I wish I could see with new eyes
I wish I could remember what it looked like
I wish I could see what they do
I wish I could figure out what it is they see
When they look at me and find nothing

Because now it seems we are just strangers,
Complete strangers when we pass by each other,
Complete strangers when a friend needs another friend,
Complete strangers now for better or for worse.

Passing by an old brick building on a slow road
I almost laugh to think the last time I was there,
I thought I’d found who I was supposed to be
When I barely knew how to do anything more
Than stay quiet and stay out of everyone’s way.

I told my old soul sisters I’d see them soon
But I haven’t seen those pieces of my heart in a while.
Back then lies went down easy with a smile
And I didn’t know when everything would change
Because all the other new beginnings I prayed for
All too quickly became the worst things I could imagine.

It nearly broke me to know tragedy like the back of my hand,
But every story has its perfect ending and the last days
Were truly (almost) everything they should have been.

Looking back now I felt like I was flying through clouds
Even when all I wanted was to let myself scream again.

You are so hard
Your whole body is just firmness and strength
And I love melting into you
You are like the earth
And I’m the water
I soften your edges
As I flow through you
And you are my security
As you hold me.
12-21-17

The very first time I fell in Love with you
We were children standing on the grass
And we didn’t know a thing but I loved you all the same
And neither one of us knew who we were yet
But you loved me like there was no other option
The next time I fell in Love with you
We were a bit older
Standing on the bleachers screaming
Go! Go!  Go!
But I just wanted you to stay
You didn’t know how to make me stay
But you loved me like there was no other option
And every passing year shows me once more
You still keep me on my toes
And I keep falling in Love with you all over again
But nothing feels quite like that first time.
I still feel it like you’ve only just left me tingling on that lawn.
The strawberry lips, the peanut butter they tasted like
The smell of you, the way it hit me that morning like it never had before
The flush in your cheeks when it was over,
And that blessed twinkling spirit in your eyes, a look only for me.
Nothing quite like it, nothing really compares to the first time I fell in Love with you.

I figured out this game we’re playing
The first to acknowledge
How we used to be best friends,
Before all that stuff you did,
Is the loser.
But what happens then?
What do I get for losing a sick, twisted game
After I lost a sick, twisted best friend?
Because going through that sure gained me some things…
Turned out great, don't you think?

This game that we're playing-
The one where we don't interrupt the icy walls of silence building up,
Especially to remember when we didn't interrupt the bubbling giggles-
It's one designed to be played by two.
It's made for a pairing like us, I see that now.
And now that I finally understand it for how it is,
We have a game to play.
Bring on The Game.

These people are small town stereotypes
Their great-grandparents were in nursery school together
They can recount who went to prom together for generations back
And divulge every intimate detail about every individual for miles around.
I’m an eighteen-year-old whose biggest accomplishment is “server of the month”
And no family except for a four year old son no one knows about
With no history save for backup vocals in a garage band from the Bronx.
I have to turn this town into my home; do I ever get to swear off the word “impossible”?
I turned it into a swear word the day after my son was born- the one his mamma died.
Oh, god, don’t ask about his mamma. Lorraine. My angel. Born, raised, buried in the Bronx.
There’s a reason she kept the baby. Me. The rough hand I was dealt as a kid. My desire for kids.
But, as every bump on the road will reassure you, every gift comes with a cost.
And that kid- my new whole world- cost me everything. Lorraine, for one.
But now I live in a small town. I have two names: “waiter” and “daddy”.
I don’t do drugs but I do drink; once a month I get wasted. I don’t smoke, steal, cheat, or lie.
But, lord almighty, do I drink sometimes. Like I said, once a month.
I don’t know if it comes from self-loathing or mental state, but there’s no escaping it.
It’s like a rumor whispered in the window of a small town church.

I’m not fine.
I’m not fine.
I’m. Not. Fine.
I’M NOT FINE OKAY
not fine at all.
You’d think I’d miss being happy
But I don’t come close to caring.
I was once a victim of a cruel boy
Now I’m a victim of my own mind.
And nobody cares about what happened to me
So I wonder if anyone cares about what he did
Because there was a crowd to witness
Who stood by with bubbles floating from their mouths
So now I’m a victim of my own mind and I’m not fine.
Will I ever be fine again?
I’ve been working on getting stronger, on not apologizing
But I haven’t been working on being stronger, forgiving
I’m not fine and I hate myself and it’s a cycle
I feel so damaged and I’m not fine and it’s a cycle
Will I ever stop drowning and swim to shore?

My fingers move with their own will
And little clicks reach my ears to say hi
And there are little lines on the screen now
And my heart doesn’t feel how it did before.
But I still haven’t made a sound.
I thought if I lost control for a bit
I might feel better but I'm still not fine at all
My eyes are glass holes; I can't see the shore.

It is dark and cramped and this room
But it is private and serene to me.
Beneath my feet the water rushes up and down, up and down
The smell of salt washing the air and calming my nerves
He would tell me this is exactly right, not to worry
The smell of salt wrapping around my shaking legs,
He would understand the way it holds me. The way he does.
The smell of salt holding my trembling hands
He caresses my fingers, plants soft and sweet kisses on them; just like this.
The smell of salt nestling in my windswept hair
He likes the smell of the ocean, he won’t mind it
The smell of salt soothing my brain with its marine tendrils of happiness, of bliss
He is a man of the sea, he’ll know why his bride came here to collect her thoughts

The ship rocks, lurches, rocks
This is nothing compared to the storms I have weathered for him
But no bride truly wants bad weather on her day
At least, no bride whose heart and future is bobbing on the sea.

The smell of salt wraps an arm around my shoulders
He is the one who gave me the words for this feeling.
The smell of salt sweeps my dress around, blowing it all over the place
He would smile if he saw this.

And the smell of salt reminds of those words spoken, years ago,
And the smell of salt tells me who I am:
“Isabella, you are my perfect bride,”
Of course, his hair had oozed the aroma of sea salt as he held me that night
My sweet sailor, always wearing sea salt
And Isabella, his perfect bride.
And the smell of sea salt, ever a guiding light.

For as long as I can remember,
the women of my family have lived
in hunger like hulking tigers in a cramped cage.
Love is quickly used up, its quality fading
from golden light into grainy shadows
flicked haphazardly across God’s great canvas.
After Love departs, nothing remains but
the splinters where we have torn away limbs
and dug holes in search of that light again,
the flecks of gold streaked through our hair,
the ones that know better than revisit our homes.
When we give up, we sit in our drab backyards
to watch the sun sink over a police state
masquerading as the ultimate state of grace.
We tuck our freedoms into bed, kiss our sacred rights
goodnight in case we never get the chance
to lead by the hand into the light of day,
and sneak back down to the kitchen for one last snack,
maybe two. Maybe more, maybe our mouths
wait in secret to transform into one bottomless pit
as we reach with every breath we take for something
we have always known and long since learned
we’ll never be able to grasp in our earthly fingers.

Forward march, my intelligent young friend
Though your fight be neither fair nor just
Know you shall emerge God’s victor
Simply because you suffered
For what you knew to be right
The decks were stacked against your logic
Many upon many centuries ago
But mayhap now stand a possibility,
Just the tiniest portion of a feeble odd,
May be shaking towards favor
That this day may dawn your chance

I know you to be so very, very brave
I’ve seen not a stronger man yet
But not everyone has eyes of clarity
As you have opened my mind
Retain your noble mind
Hold your sweet mentality dear
You’ll not have it too much longer
If you let yourself fall prey to their fear
Keep your head high and be quite sure
To keep it together and collected to one
Let the pieces make a united front
And work like parts of a machine
No other way can allow
You to gain what justice and fairness seek

Remember always as well
That you fight not for yourself
But for me and for us and for your own child
Who you will love with all you have, just as I have you
Who you shall raise the very best you can, just as I have you
You fight for the future, allow for generations on their way
You fight for the past, avenge generations died in injustice
You fight for the present, for girls everywhere struggling with you
You are a united front, my grandmother and your child alike
Though many years and laws so cruel keep you down
You are our past, present, future and you fight as one

They will keep you down
Remove you from their way
Every second they can
They won’t miss a shot
To fire you down to your place
That’s why it’s your job,
Why it’s your fight to make a new one
Carve out your rightful standing
I know you can do it
You must keep that faith
And harbor it always in your soul
You won’t stand a chance if you let it go
And you must win this fight
My time is up, I’m nearly gone
It’s plain to see, you know it
I can fight with you no longer
Each step here on out you take alone
But remember I am with you:
My soul is tied to yours
My memory lives on within you
My cause and yours are one
And this cause, dear, is important
You must fight til the end
You must win at least part of your fight
So now I say to you as your loving mother
And I tell you, my loving daughter:
Win rights for all women,
Here and across the globe,
Dead, living, and unborn
From one soldier to another, I say to you
Keep up the fight
Until freedom rings for all
From sea to shining sea.

Whatever happens from this moment forward
I promise I’ll always be your friend
That’s a lesson I’ve had to learn-
That I can never abandon the ones who matter
And from now on
You will always matter to me
We namaste together
And we take names together
So I can promise you with my heart
Nothing breaks this matching set.
I hold your pom-poms during the cartwheels
You hold my earrings during the bar fights
And from this moment forward
We’ll always have each other to hold.

I’m not supposed to be grieving
My Baby wasn’t supposed to die
How did this happen
How did I wind up counting dead roses
How did I wind up being reminded of proper funeral decorous
I can’t explain what’s going on
Something happened when that boy came along
That boy who started dating my firstborn son…
What has that boy done?

I’m not supposed to be burying my baby,
Shouldn’t be standing by a pile of dirt with no one to clutch my hand
I shouldn’t have ice in my heart over my pride and joy as I hold his jersey
How did anything ever go wrong for us
How did a present, devoted, loving mother and a smart, strong, sweet boy end up here
How could God let us find ourselves in a cemetery we have no way out of
I can’t reconcile this horrible day with real life
Something went terribly wrong
When that boy came along

I’m not supposed to be crying this hard nonstop
It was all so nice a week ago, throwing big parties
I shouldn’t be making a speech about my son in front of everyone
He supposed to be grounded for when his music rattled the room every day
But he’s not home, he’s supposed to be with me but he’s not
How did that boy who’d been so polite to me bounce into our lives and end everything good
Everything was wonderful like a Hallmark card
Until that cursed boy came to tear it apart

How? Why?
Why, why, why?

Too Complicated
I’m not supposed to be grieving
My Baby wasn’t supposed to die
How did this happen
How did I wind up counting dead roses
How did I wind up being reminded of proper funeral decorous
I can’t explain what’s going on
Something happened when that boy came along
That boy who started dating my firstborn son…
What has that boy done?
I’m not supposed to be burying my Baby,
Shouldn’t be standing by a pile of dirt with no one to clutch my hand
I shouldn’t have ice in my heart over my pride and joy as I hold his jersey
How did anything ever go wrong for us
How did a present, devoted, loving mother and a smart, strong, sweet boy end up here
How could God let us find ourselves in a cemetery we have no way out of
I can’t reconcile this horrible day with real life
Something went terribly wrong
When that boy came along
I’m not supposed to find myself sobbing, weeping, and doing nothing else
It was all so nice a week ago, throwing big parties
I shouldn’t be making a speech about my son in front of everyone
He supposed to be grounded for when his music rattled the room and broke my nice dishes
But he’s not home, he’s supposed to be with me but he’s not
How did that boy who’d been so polite to me bounce into our lives and end everything good
Everything was wonderful like a Hallmark card
Until that cursed boy came to tear it apart
How? Why?
Why, why, why?

You became my everything
Only you did it way too fast
And now the world is in chaos mode
Because I’m not used to being in love
And I don’t know how to be yours the way I want to be
I don’t know where the boundaries are, how to know…
The only certainty is that I love you,
And even Romeo and Juliet had that
But I don’t want us to be anything like them,
I want to keep you and cherish you forever
I’d hate letting you or our love slip out through my fingertips
The thing is, I’m not used to having a love a could hold
This all happened so fast, way too fast for me to even understand
Can you understand all this?
Here’s to our love thriving like this for a whole lifetime,
But even more importantly,
Here’s to us understanding the care and keeping of true love.

Ripping, tearing, clawing, shredding
No impact, everything continues
Melting, fading, vanishing, reducing
Soon nothing will remain; all will end

Streaked with blood, just a bit
Soaked in pain, more than ever
That small blotch insignificant
That horrid agony with a head to sever

Falling, crashing, thrashing, fighting
Dirtied by dust and blood and remains
Crushed, defeated, destroyed, absolved
Wailing among bones of love and life

And why must this be so
What catalyst evil had been committed
Why smash the glass, let the blood river flow
What bones worthy of being crushed and knitted

Dying, perishing, demising, failing
Only one way out and one exit left
Gasping, thrashing, struggling, failing
Striving to breathe and fighting the door

Failure looming still
With his tall cloaked friend
Stand inescapable
The pain is over; here is the end.

Here is the end.

Though this day may never be touched by the light
And though no love come to hold us this night
And though I am years from your touch and you are worlds from mine
Hold the sliver of grace that someday I’ll see your eyes shine
Even if it feels like you’ve held me for the last time
The uphill battle of love is worth the hard climb.

After all the hardships we fight through for love
We will soon be reunited, free to love
There has come a time now when we must hide our love
But there will come a time soon when we’ll return home
And when you’re safe in my arms where you belong,
Nothing will be able to tear us apart.

Don’t you love me?
Don’t I love you?
Because with a love so true, so deep, so strong
We’ve created a love that can’t be broken
And that is worth it, isn’t it my darling
We aren’t touched by light but soon we’ll be shining.

Though this day may never be touched by the light
And though no love come to hold us this night
And though I am years from your touch and you are worlds from mine
Hold the sliver of grace that someday I’ll see your eyes shine
Even if it feels like you’ve held me for the last time
The uphill battle of love is worth the hard climb.

After all the hardships we fight through for love
We will soon be reunited, free to love
There has come a time now when we must hide our love
But there will come a time soon when we’ll return home
And when you’re safe in my arms where you belong,
Nothing will be able to tear us apart.

Don’t you love me?
Don’t I love you?
Because with a love so true, so deep, so strong
We’ve created a love that can’t be broken
And that is worth it, isn’t it, my darling
We aren’t touched by light but soon we’ll be shining.