I never wrote grocery lists or dates and things
I never wrote my songs on paper, or memories
I just didn’t need to
Until I met you

While in a coffee shop I would have a surprise conversation
With a homeless man from Peru, or a security guard from Miami
And after every encounter I would pull out my phone
And write about the humor of it, the pain in it, or the realization from it


I wrote down the details so at the end of the day I could tell you the stories

After you left I still wrote down the stories because I wanted to be ready for when you came back
But when it became clear that you weren't, I stopped taking notes
And so every story is tucked away in my mind, forgotten
And now the only story that lingers is the story of you and me and how we came to be

It was a mistake to let me go
because when you come back, saying you've been missing me
I'll say no
because I learned how to be okay all on my own

return the text
answer the call
she knows she's been difficult
but it's been a hard night for her

she is so close to the edge
but you could turn it around if you just
returned the text
answered the call

you don't want to wake up tomorrow in a world without her
don't let your frustration get in the way of
returning the text
answering the call

Kids compare their love to the stars. Citing celestial forces in their rooftop, late night, parents-can't-hear, stolen-beer vows. They compare the way their hands combine to constellations ever present in the night sky. I trashed this misconception in the back of a Chevrolet with the married man I was with that day when he compared our love to the moon and sun and how ours was a forbidden one. There wasn't a notion of poetry in his slurred words, just a man so scared of growing old he needed the comfort of a child, to soothe his soul. You and me, you and the person I am trying to be, don't need the sun or the moon or the stars in the sky, we just need the TV set on a Tuesday night. We fell in love in the daylight, in parks down the street. We fell for each other, not the universe, that before you, had tortured me. We don't need space suits to look into each other's eyes and know that it's here, right here, on this couch where we first made love that we call home. The kids can keep their zodiac signs and universe themed metaphors because our love can't be illustrated with astrological analogies. It's complicated and messy and hurtful and hard, but loving you is the best thing I’ve ever done, right here on earth.


-bcg (we fell in love in the daylight, so what happens when the sun goes down)

She used my name when she spoke to me. Like we would be in the middle of talking about the weather and she would deliberately finish a sentence about the impending rainstorm with my name and all of a sudden this innocent conversation reached a level of intimacy I had only experienced in bed with another person.
It was exhilarating, feeling your name in the mouth of someone like that.
With just the way she forms your name with her lips she could make you want to hold hands and waste away Friday nights in the most cliché romcom way. Every moment was full, every moment was exciting, and every ******* moment was completely and fatally exhausting.

-bcg (excerpt from the book I’ll never write)

She still dances, you know? She still laughs and smiles. She still opens her heart to strangers. She’s still the girl you fell in love with.

But there are these little things I’ve been noticing. Like sometimes we’ll be driving and singing along to the radio and she’ll just stop in the middle of the chorus, pull out her phone, and just stare down at it or a full minute before putting it away. She doesn’t go on facebook anymore because she’s worried about seeing something of yours. She looks so small, her old clothes don’t look right on her. That glint in her eye she used to have after a few drinks is completely gone. Replaced by this empty glaze that is hard to look directly at. She second-guesses herself, not all the time, but for someone who never used to do that, it’s noticeable. It’s like this once confident, beautiful, intelligent girl was just spun around one too many times by this one person and she cant quite find her balance now that she’s back on the ground.

She’s still the girl you fell in love with
But you broke her, in a way that can never be completely healed.  

-bcg (please stop calling her, i’m begging you)

I keep reading quotes about just wanting to be simple with someone. Just wanting to lay in bed and eat pizza with their person. Nothing special, something simple.

That's the stupidest **** I've ever heard. There is nothing simple about being in love.

So I don't want simple.
I want you. No matter what you come with, no matter how complicated it gets, no matter when we end.

I want you and there is nothing simple about that.

"You aren't supposed to step on the cracks, I'll tell on you," I stick my tongue out at his comment and he laughs. I saunter closer to him on the street as we close in on our destination and he wraps his arm around me. We are just about to the pet store when Peter pulls on my hand and stops on the sidewalk. I turn around confused, "What's wrong? Having doubts?"
"No, I just want to make sure you aren't."
"I'm fine, I want to do this. I'm ready, I promise."
"Do you think we're going to fast?"
I laugh and he smiles sheepishly, "I don't want you to get scared again, I don't want to rush you."
"Trust me, Peter, I'm ready for this. Let's get engaged."

We walk hand in hand into the pet store and pick out our little puppy, our ring, and our promise to each other. He's more playful than the others and his right ear won't stay upright. I like his dopy looking half smile and Peter likes his boundless energy.

After we leave the store with our new family member, Peter bends down to look eye to eye with Marshal. I watch him whisper something in his ear and it almost looks as if Marshall nods. I giggle as Peter straightens up and ask him what he had said. Peter turns to me and smiles the same kind of dopy grin Marshall had and says, "Oh I just warned him not to step on any cracks, as I am very fond of this back."

He places his hand on the small of my back and we walk down the street like everything that was meant to be, was being, and we were at the center of it all.

-bcg (we always talked about getting a dog as an engagement ring)

Now I'll come back and see you when I'm feeling alone, but just make that promise you'll pick up the phone.

When we were saying goodbye I told you I was scared
     I didn't want to go back to that dark place
You said you didn't want me to go back there either
     You said you'd been there after a breakup too

But we weren't breaking up darling, we were never together
     We were just to strangers who loved each other

I told you I'd never let you become my everything
But that's a stupid promise to make
Because I can't control the impact of something on me
When you left I couldn't force myself not to break
{bcg}

Are you killing me or saving me?
Haunting me or catching me?
Pulling me or pushing me away?

-it doesn't matter (forever yours)

Tell me you miss me
Tell me to stay
Tell me you wouldn’t have it any other way

Tell me that even though things are about to get real rough, it’s worth it, because you like the way I smile into my empty coffee cup

Tell me there isn’t another person in this world
that could keep you from me

Tell me we will continue to laugh at the sound of the
rain pouring down on the roof at 2am
until we fall asleep to the rhythm of the soft pitter-patter

Tell me you miss me
Tell me to stay
Tell me you wouldn’t have it any other way


-bcg (you won’t and that’s okay, a girl can still dream)

I'm just waiting for the day when you finally say, "I love you."

And then I pause and finally watch you watching me.

Until I finally say, "I've loved you since I was seventeen years old, you fool, now kiss me."

Her first text is at 10:13pm, from a friend, who needed to tell her that she still loves him. She reminds the friend calmly that he wasn't well and it was better for both of them to end it even though it felt like hell. He hurt you, she told the friend, he hurt you over and over, it'll be okay, you can cry on my shoulder.

Her second text comes in at 12:09am, from an old flame. He had one too many that evening and was going a little insane, "I miss you," he said and he heaved a long sigh, "I just want one more night, please one more night." She somehow managed to gently decline and called a mutual friend to give him a ride. She told the old flame that everything would be okay and to take a couple aspirin before he called the next day.

Her first call of the night, at 1:53am, comes from an old roommate who had relapsed and was back in that horrible place and the roommate was lying on the tile of a bathroom floor she couldn't recognize and her number was the only one she could recall after her fall. She talked down the helpless girl for an hour until she was well enough to get up from the tile. The roommate called her mom and got picked up and she hung up the phone, relieved to have some time for a nap.

She got two more calls that night and hundreds of more texts, but she got a couple of hours of rest before the next day of telling others everything was going to be okay.

I'm just waiting for the day
when I hear your name
and I picture
the country you're named for
before I picture
you.

At first I thought it was the nights
I thought the nights were the worst part
The sudden fits of loneliness that come at 3am
The tv I have to watch to dull the pain
The words I have to write to drain the pain
Falling asleep alone

Then I thought it was the mornings
I thought the mornings were the worse part
The happiness I feel right after a dream
The empty spot next to me
The empty spot reminding me
You're still gone

But then I realized it was the day
The days were the worst part
Days full of little events I used to tell you about
Days of starting to type out a message
Days of erasing the words I was going to say
Because you're gone one more day
{bcg}

To him:
“You’re funny and you play along with my little jokes and you always respond. I ask you the questions I used to ask him and you answer them differently and you have different favorite colors and you have different embarrassing moments and you have different fears because you are different people. But asking you those questions, after listening to his answers, just feels gross. It feels cheap. You are nothing to him. You hold nothing to him. You’re vain like he never was. He had no idea what was happening, question-by-question he was falling for me, but he had no idea. He didn’t know he was falling until he had already fallen. He was real. The first real thing I knew. He was honest. He was mine.”


To you:
“I feel sick talking to him about his day, asking his favorite color, talking to him and asking him the same things. Because the thing is, I would still rather listen to you tell me about your details over and over again than learn his or any boy before.”

-bcg (i cant tell you this because im scared of the way you look at me now when i tell you how i feel)

You're talking to someone else?

Yeah, but it's different.

You talk to him everyday, you text him every night, he knows you... How is it different?

     I talk to you, I respond to him. I love you, I fill time with him. He’s there for me, I’m still waiting on you.

you thought it was so odd last night
you told me that something i had said had hurt you
and i spent the whole evening trying to make it up to you
you kept on repeating it wasn't a big deal and there was nothing to make up for

and it took me until 3:24am last night to realize
you didn't understand.
you didn't understand what it was like to feel so awful due to someone else's unhappiness

when you are hurt i would do anything
make any joke
sing any song
fight any person
to make you happy.

You wouldn't.

or maybe you just lost that instinct when you fell out of love with me

They can take away the songs I wrote and the story they told
They can take away the summer nights when I only had your hand to hold
They can take away the sun and the moon above
They can take away the place of our first kiss
They can take away all or any of this

But they can't take away the way you looked at me
They can't take away what I close my eyes to see
They can't take away what I know to be true
They can't take away my memory of you

"I'm not leaving", you comforted me.
"I'll always want to talk"
"It'll be different," I insisted
"You'll be busy with a life that doesn't include me
And I'll have to learn to live without"

The nights we stayed up talking
Four thousand miles away
The nights I kept the scraps you left so close
Until the night became day
The nights you told your secrets
And I told you my fears
The nights I felt so safe
After all of my painful years

Those nights changed me
Despite the hurt and the cursing
Those nights saved me
From the horrible mornings

You have to stop staring at me in crowded rooms
You have to stop wearing the glasses you know I like
You have to stop leaning into me, just to pull away

because

when we're alone you treat me like a book on your shelf that you've already read
when you wear those glasses it doesn't make me want you, it makes me miss the person you were
when you lean in my heart stops and when you pull away it stops again

The problem
isn't that I want to be with you
The problem
is I always want to be with you
The problem
isn't that I want to kiss you
The problem
is that I always want to kiss you
The problem
isn't that I love you
The problem
is I never stop loving you
The problem
isn't that we're over
The problem
is that we never really started

I don't want
one more kiss
one more talk
one more time

I want
A lifetime of kisses
A lifetime of talking
A lifetime of you
{bcg}

You can't be the reason I don't take
the pills

You can't be the reason I don't pick up
the blade

You can't be the reason I stay here
I have to be

My hands were shaking before I could even process why. But the tears didn't start falling until I drove through the intersection where you said you never wanted that light to turn green because you couldn't stand taking your eyes off me.

And then the tears wouldn't stop and I was out of control and I had to turn the music down low because the melody was reminding me of the way you used to sway and so I'm pulling over on the highway taking deep breaths and remembering the way you would calm me down when I was a mess.

And you would cover my jumpy foot under the table with yours and catch my eye in a room full of people and even though I was about to burst into flames one look from your concerned face would make my heart rate steady and I’m back in control and you give me a little smile like you know where I go in those moments of total alone.

But I’m alone in this car trapped in the memories with no look to steady me and no foot under the table to remind me there would be better days.

-
There was snow on the trees and the ice was frozen over, but it was still the same drive we took the day you looked over at me and said, ”Would you curse me out more or less if I kissed you right before I left?” and I said, “Depends on the kiss.” And you leaned in and everything was okay for the first time in a long time, everything was okay.

It's embarrassing to say
but I talk to your picture when I can't bear it anymore
It's just I really miss you
And you aren't here to hear anymore
I almost called you the other day
just to hear your voice
and also ask you what type of deodorant you use
I could imagine the conversation
I would ask you
and you'd laugh and ask me why
and I'd say I missed the way you smelled and it's cheaper than a plane ticket
and you'd get quiet
and I'd get quiet
and the conversation would be cut short
by the same honesty that lead to you not being here anymore

“-----, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep pretending. I love you and I care about you and even though I’m trying to play it cool and act like I don’t care, you are everything to me. And the worst part is, I think you know that. I think you know that you can change my mood in one sentence, in one unreturned call. Yet you still don’t give a ****. And you know what, ----- I deserve more. I deserve more than spending my nights in a puddle of blood on the bathroom floor because you hurt me so much I had to hurt myself for my body to understand it. And I used to know that I deserve more, but somewhere between you being a stranger and you being my all, I forgot that I deserve better.
I know I told you I could handle it. I know you think I can be okay with always being your second choice. And I know you think I’m cynical and that I don’t believe in white horses and princes and fairytale endings. But I do, -----, I do. I know you think because of all the **** I’ve been through I’ve learned that nothing ever turns out okay, there is never a happy ending. But I haven’t, -----, I haven’t given up. I still have hope and I know it’s naïve and I know it’s stupid, but I still have hope that maybe, just maybe, someday you will choose me and you will keep choosing me for the rest of our lives.”

-the drunken, “just saying hi,” message left on the answering machine at 2am

She called me again tonight
She didn't know who else to call and with the blood on the floor and the knife in her hand she couldn't ask her parents for help
She tells me, "I'm helpless."
She tells me, "I'm scared."
She tells me, "I can't fall asleep because of the fear."

I know the right things to say. I know how to get her to stay on this side for one more day. I know how to talk her down when her boyfriend isn't around to pull her back to the ground.

So I don't tell her that I'm drowning too. Because I'm the strong one, keeping her afloat. I'm the strong one, when the sea is so big, and we are just two young girls in this small boat.

someday i'll probably find someone new
but right now, i want you

-the drunken, "just saying hi," message left on the answering machine at 2am

He looked at her like she was meant to be looked at. Not like he wanted her, not like he needed her, but like he knew she was his person and he was hers and they would be each others for the rest of their lives.

When we met I was bruised, I was bitter, and I felt broken beyond repair. You picked me up and right in the middle of healing my wounds, kissing my scars, and making me forgive myself for every mistake, you told me the truth. You were never meant to save me; you came here so I could save you.

-bcg (its funny, we both came for help, and we ended up breaking eachother all over again)

When I was younger I asked my brother to tell me why people didn't just sit around and imagine if they could get everything they wanted in their mind. He laughed softly and slowly said that there's a whole world out there that we can't even imagine in our head.

And I went through life like others, doing normal things. Until I found the other world that completely changed me. I found continents in a smile. I navigated seas in a glance. I discovered life in a touch and love in a laugh. The other world is holding hands in secret. The other world is calling late at night. The other world is you and I never want to go back.

Everytime she laughs
She hopes he sees

This time it will end differently.

No more boys falling for her tears
He'll fall for her happiness

They will be together for years.

“Do you still think about me?”
“Well, I don’t think about you as much as you think about me.”

2. “I’m yours and you’re mine, for now”

3. “I like you”
No response.

4. “We just don’t make sense.”
“But right now, with me laying in your arms, with my head on your chest, laughing about the weather, don’t we make a little bit of sense?”
“No.”

5. “This is getting too hard, I can’t keep doing this. I don’t think we should talk anymore.
“Okay.”
“What are you thinking?”
“How mad you would be if I said, “Well this was fun,” and hung up on you”

6. “If you told me to stay, I would stay. Just ask me to stay, please.”
“I’m not going to beg you, if you want to go. Just go.”

-bcg (things i laughed off, but shouldn’t have)

i don't know why you left

was it the miles between our calls
or the years between
because if so id understand
was it the secrets
or having to keep things from me
because if so id understand

but if it was not loving enough
if it was not caring
if it was boredom
or if you just stopped liking me
i don't understand

because I loved enough for the both of us
and you always said you cared
and we always had something to discuss
you said you liked me even if you only would on a dare
and you swore you'd never lied to me
so i know you spoke the truth
when you said I'm yours and you're mine this time
{bcg}