"I don't want to be perfect. I want to be your perfect."

“Darling, now is not a good time. I’ve been looking forward to death too much recently.”
-as she took another drag

When we were together things didn't seem real until I told you about them
When something happened to me, it didn't really happen until I told you
And now that you're gone
I'm just living in this haze without you
{bcg}

I've been lying and even though it's only been in the poetry I write and the songs I sing I felt it would be right to explain the reality:

My life will go on, even though you are gone.

My heart won't stop it's rhythm in my chest and I will still wake up each morning and get dressed
I won't put myself to sleep forever before the next day this isn't Romeo and Juliet for Christ sake

But it won't be living like life's meant to be lived
And this is where my words start to be misunderstood

Everything feels colder now and the world it seems is fading to grey

I'm not dying because you're gone
I'm not living because you aren't here

You know you've been hurt when you'd rather love someone than be in love with them.

do you want me to keep the light in the window
do you want me to keep a spot open for you
do you want me to wait

if you give me just a bit of hope
if you listen to just one more song
if you let me call just one more time

I won't give up
I won't let go
I won't, I swear

Because I will wait for you
if it means a little bit of hope
if it means one more song
if it means one more call

I'll wait for you
{bcg}

You're torturing me everytime we talk and you have no idea.

ITS TAKING EVERYTHING IN ME NOT TO TAKE EVERY ONE OF THOSE LITTLE ROUND WHITE KILLERS EVERYTHING I HAVE NO HOPE ANYMORE NO WAKING UP FOR A TOMORROW WITH POSSIBILITIES I HAVE NOTHING YOU TOOK EVERYTHING WHEN YOU LEFT **EVERYTHING

Are you killing me or saving me?
Haunting me or catching me?
Pulling me or pushing me away?

I feel like I'm singing a duet and I just keep repeating the same line over and over again because my partner forgot to come in.

And I keep singing and he just won't remember.

Don't say I didn't love you
And don't say we couldn't try
Don't say you didn't treat me right
Because you always kept me from the lies

I want to say **** it and text you because all I want to do is talk to you about everything going on in our lives, and im so close. I pull out my phone, I start the message, and then it hits me. If you had wanted to talk, you would have let me know ******* weeks ago.

-bcg (how do you choose between comfort and dignity)

I'm your first text in the morning
and your last text at night
but that doesn't mean I'm part of your life

We can keep talking forever
and be friends like its no big deal
but you can be brave for a little while
we could make this real
Baby we could make this real

Cause we could be lovers
and best friends
We could have it all
If you would just be brave for a little while

I've memorized your habits
and I like our fake fights
but that doesn't mean I'm part of your life

We don't have to keep this pg
If you just keep your eyes on me

and we could be lovers
and best friends
We could have it all
If you would just be brave for a little while

-bcg

Inappropriate men tend to think I'm an appropriate pursuit.

And a weak girl like me tends to just agree.

I was addicted to you, but it hurt so good.
And I had to quit.

I was never okay without you, but I was surviving.
And then you reached out.

I was packed up, but then you told me I could stay home.
And you were my home.


but i am so scared, i am terrified.
what if he leaves me and i'm left like a ******* idiot again?
what if i'm left out in the cold?
what if i'm locked out of my own home?

What if...

I lose the memory of the first time we kissed?
I can't retrieve the image of you crossing the room to me?
I forget the way your hands felt holding my face?
I can't remember the shirt you were wearing or the way you smelled?

I lose you?


----------------------------
Would I lose myself?

There are two reasons why I still talk to you: you are fun and you make me feel special. However, in the past month or so I’ve started feeling like you talk to me only when you’re bored. Like I’m the person who will always return a text and answer a call. I will always be here to entertain you. I am your person, but slowly you are losing your place as mine. I don’t feel welcome here anymore and I don’t think you really want me.
It’s not that I don’t love you or that I don’t want you, I have never wanted someone more. You are the only thing that has brought joy into my life in months.
But I no longer feel special when I talk to you and even though we’re having fun, I don’t feel good. I’ve been ignoring people who do make me feel special because I have fun with you. The person I talk to every night should want my company and make time for me. I don’t want to be your “sometimes” anymore.

And I’m not asking you to change and I don’t want you to. I fell in love with the man you are and I would never ask you to alter yourself for me. Which is why I’m simply saying goodbye.

We weren’t meant to be and that’s just the way it is. I don’t feel special when I talk to you. I feel small. I feel used. I don’t want to be wanted just when it’s convenient, I just want to be wanted.

-bcg (i’ve told you everything about myself, everything… except this)

I smile softly as I listen to you tell the story about last Halloween for the third time. The laughter you exude every time you get to the punchline of the story makes me giggle along with you. I never got to meet the friends in the story, but I know you miss them, so I watch you reminisce about the days you used to be content because I always embrace that grin on your face. The pain you're in is always in the back of my mind, so I listen to you tell the story about last Halloween for the third time.

-bcg (anyway i can help bring you happiness, i will)

Home is supposed to be safe
Home isn't supposed to desert you
Home is supposed to love you unconditionally
Home isn't supposed to make you want to pull out the blade
Hope is supposed to be comfortable
Home isn't supposed to require little white pills
Home is supposed to be you
Home isn't supposed to be killing me

I trust you more than I trust myself
But when I'm in your arms I don't know who I am and I don't know who you are and all I can think is I don't want you to ever let me go

you gave me a prince
then told him i wasn't his princess

you gave me a knight
then told him i wasn't worth the war

you gave me a savior
then you told him i wasn't worth saving

i loved him
i loved him even though i was too young to know what love was
i loved him
and you took him from me

Three days since I first saw you
Three days since we first met
Just three days since I first saw you
So of course I don't want it to end

I've been stuck in a place
That I couldn't get out of
Stuck in a point of no return
I've been stuck in this pattern
That I couldn't get out of
So far down I couldn't find the right turn

I've had this problem since I was little
Of wanting things that couldn't be
Of living in a day dream
Of living in a fantasy
But the crash got too hard
For a girl like me to bear
I couldn't stand the pain or the constant terror

You showed me I could get out
You showed me the way
You showed me that I could breath
That I don't have to fade away

And I know it wasn't important
I know it wasn't big
But you changed my life forever
You've changed my will to live

There's this thing about me that I thought you knew by now. I love hard and I love deeply. I love full and I love endlessly.
So when there's a shot, when I see a chance, I'm gonna take it. No matter the odds, or how bad things could get. No matter what could happen, I'm gonna take the shot. Because I'm in love with you and I will always think you're worth the risk.
So if I don't see you tomorrow, I want you to know, you were worth the shot, we were worth the shot.

-bcg (i missed and that was our last throw, but ****** if it wasn't worth every sad song lyric running through my head at 2:47pm on a wednesday as i stare at the picture of you that maliciously showed up on my newsfeed the day after i flushed all my blades away)

He made it very clear what he wanted,
and what he wanted was never me.


-bcg (it isn't meant to be read, it's meant to be yelled)

Dear him,

You aren’t the reason I end my nights on the floor. You aren’t the reason I wear long sleeves. You aren’t the reason the food is left on my plate after every meal. You aren’t the reason there are some days I simply cannot get out of bed.  You aren’t the reason I left.

Never blame yourself.

You are the reason I still have good days. You are the reason I wear my hair down instead of up. You are the reason there are stars in my dull, lifeless eyes. You are the reason not every smile is fake. You are the reason I wanted to stay.

Always love yourself.

Love,
her

-----------------------------------------------------------­-----------------------------------

Give it to him after I’m gone. Please tell him I loved him, I loved him so **** much. I know he won’t understand why that wasn’t enough, but you have to make him understand that the pain inside me was too much. I loved him, but I had to choose myself in the end.

I've heard people say, "You know you're in love when all the songs make sense."
Well after loving you I know that to be untrue.

I've been with many people and I understood what the songs were saying.

I knew I was in love when none of the songs could encapsulate the way I felt. I had to write my own songs. There was no combination of notes or words already in the universe that explained what I knew to be true.

Thank you for teaching me that when you're in love; the songs don't just make sense.

You feel so much when you’re in love, you have to write your own songs.

Three months ago, before we started talking regularly again, I asked you a question. You probably wouldn’t remember, it was a fleeting moment so long ago, but I remember. I remember thinking before I asked it, I remember nervously awaiting your response, I remember assuming you would respond in a joke.

But you didn’t.

You weren’t happy, and while you said it in a much more eloquent and well thought out way, I saw the sadness in your eyes.

And here we are now and I just felt like you should know that every single time I almost hung up, every single time I almost didn’t laugh off one of your cruel jokes, every single time I was one glass away from calling you and telling you to go **** yourself because you were killing me so slowly sometimes I would forget you even were. Every single time, I would stay on the call, I would laugh off the joke, I would put down the drink, because you weren’t happy and I was the one person who was never, ever okay with that and I’m still working everyday to change it.


-bcg (i asked you, but you never asked me)

And I’ll be here
using words to convince you,
you made the wrong choice,
because I have no other way
of winning you over.


-bcg (i’m still yours even though you were never mine)