I know girls who go through boys like they did toys on the playground
I know girls who pick at their skin and pull at their hair
I know girls who look so hard for love they give out their heart like it's extra change
I know girls who split their skins to stop the pain
I know girls who are so angry they are hateful, even mean
I know girls throw up in the bathroom after lunch, pretending no one heard them when they come out
I know girls with the universe in their eyes yet they can't see a star
I know girls who give themselves away to feel like someone cares
I know girls who hate their moms
I know girls who hate their dad
And I know girls that would rather die then be caught wearing a dress
I know girls who take too many pills, girls who party a little too hard
I know girls with strait A's since they were 6
I know girls who have panic attacks
There are girls with bones and girls with curves
Girls with hearts as cold as stone
But even with all the types
All the girls
We're all the same
Same love in our hearts
Same soul buried beneath layers of our skin
Truth is
We're all hurt
We all need each other
Girls need girls to get through what girls go through

Sweat swallows my skin
Pain in my chest has burned for ten minutes straight
I cannot stop
One more
One more
One more
always one more sit up
Throw up one more time
Skip one more meal
I have loved boys with ******* addictions and girls who didn't even have the intention of remembering my name let alone be my friend
Yet, I still can't learn to love my body
As I look in the mirror
Salt soaked tears flow down my face
I pull at my skin like maybe if I pull hard enough it'll rip off
My brain is bashing against the side of my heads crying and screaming and begging me to stop
The same head tells me
I'm too heavy
Too big
Too wide
Too this
Too that
let me just say I'm ******* sick of being "too"
I'm ready to gain back my years I lost to calories
Gain back the hours of sleep I lost thinking about how much I ate
Gain back all the times I put myself down just to lose one more pound
I don't know how
But I'm through living in a world of "too"s and "one more"s

I know you think I'm the girl you've been looking for
I'm not you see,
I'm the storm
I'm the girl your mother warns you about
The girl that will ruin your life
Regret is laced in my blood
Heart break is tangled in the tips of my slitting hair
They name hurricanes after girls like me because they know all the disaster I leave
I'm the lion, never the lamb
My teeth are snarling and when they find nice boys to bite on they don't know how to let go until something has been ripped to pieces
I've tried to learn to be soft but you see I was born the storm
I'm the drug you don't want I'm the poison you really don't need
My snake bite heart ejects venom with my kiss then soon enough my boiled blood will be all over your best pair of Sunday shoes
I've never been a drizzle no matter how hard I try because I'm a ******* thunder rolling lighting cracking storm
I cannot calm the waves in my soul
Or the bombs in my words
I cannot shut of the earthquake that is me, it's been shaking my world since I was 5
I cannot love you right
Some girls are the beach but I'm a forest fire, come any closer and I will burn you alive
I know I'm beautiful in a tragic way
I know you think I'm the girl you've been looking for
I'm sorry
I cannot love you
I am the storm

You did not, could not, and will not break me. Not now, Not ever. My body has housed your frigid frights for as long as I can recall. You've always found a way to make the world around me harsh and bitter. You've managed to get me down more times than I can count. Your goal remains the same: you've always wished to harden my heart. Well, now, its time for me to speak. my enemy friend, the tables have finally turned and the game has shifted to change. Despite your best efforts, I remain here. I remain fighting. I'm still moving mountains, I'm still causing storms. I'm still wreaking havoc. I still feel the sunshine on my skin. I still taste the rain when it pours. You tried to take me for dead, but you failed. With me against you, you'll never stand a chance. Give me the nasty and I will hand back gold. Today, I am reminded not only did you not shatter me, but you also made me untouchable. And for that, I thank you.

It would be unfair to allow you to move forward
as I'm stuck here in our memories
It would be a great unjustice
to allow your heart to be whole as mine remains shattered from your slippery hands
I meant what I said on that very first night
you'll never forget a girl like me
you see holding a girl with fire as a heart
keeps you warm but when it burns it's sure to leave a scar
I want you to know I won't let you forget me
I'll lace myself in every past memory
I'll connect my heart into every relationship you dare to hold
Maybe I should've warned you that girls like me have a bite louder than their bark and when we snarl
we mean business
If I were you I'd keep your eyes wide
because I solemnly swear
I'll never abandon you from sight
every corner you turn
every time you glance over your shoulder
the remains of a girl once loved by you will remain
I won't be easy to dust off your shoes
just remember my love
you were the man who dared
to love a girl like me
and it was your mistake to promise a forever
to a girl who would believe you

I loved you with soft kisses and warm hugs
with t-ball pictures in a scrapbook
and eating ice cream with your little sister the first time her heart was broken
I came to you in my love
with hands to hold when things got hard
and a smile to share when the world gave you a favor
My intentions were always laced with your happiness in mind
I wanted nothing more than to cheer for you in pridefulness
when you proved them all wrong
but also to walk you home in the dark when you struck out
I loved you with all the stars in the sky
with every word in the books
with every tear in my heart
loving someone like that
filled many holes I didn't know were there
it showed a side of me
I didn't recognize
A side of me I wanted to stick around
I loved you with soft kisses and warm hugs
with laced fingertips and galaxies through the freckles on your back
you loved me
with lustful touch and half chuckles
with clenched fist and a hesitant heart
I know we lived two completely different love stories
you found chaos in the same place I laid mine to rest
This is why we could never try the times
we would never last loving as we did
you see
you never fell in love with the oceans in my eyes
or the tenderness in my voice
you were searching for a violent love
in my peaceful heart
I suppose you didn't know you'd found a girl who could make a home
out of your getaway car

7 months
You held me like I was the only thing you needed in order to start living
7 kisses
On the first date, laughter was shoved so far down our throats, no one could remove that happiness if they tried
7 more weeks
Before the first "I love you" escaped from your cracked lips, in a whisper so quiet I was afraid your words would break in the air
7 hours
Laying with you, tangled limps, tracing the universe on your back, the pads of my fingers placed my world in your hands
7 dates missed
I guess I no longer existed because now you stand at a distance and I can't even hear your voice over the phone anymore
7 screaming fights
Swears across the room, hands in the air, tears hit the floor, while our love is getting torn at the seems and the corners are quickly folding in on us
7 feet
Away from me as I watched you look at her, I know that look because I used to get that look from the same pair of eyes that belong to you and are now looking at her. You're flashing a smile that could make planets separate and somehow I have to come to terms with the fact that smile no longer belongs to me.
7 minutes
How long you took to break my heart with tidal waves in my eyes as I'm on my knees begging you to stay. My lungs no longer remember the taste of air, my hands shake like they did the first time you looked at me. My lips no longer remember the taste of your kiss all I taste is acid from thinking about you touching her with the same hands you used to hold me.
7 months ago
You held me like I was the only thing you needed in order to start living
-A.R

I could never fathom a pain more painful than losing you once, until you came back and I was forced to lose you twice.

1
You were my first kiss, my first boyfriend, my first grown up moment
older, seemily sophisticated
you had this idea that the world was lucky to have you in it
a god complex like no other
and let me tell you, you had 15 year old me,
convinced
I felt lucky
I felt old and sophisticated
and although
you were just a bump in my road
I'm thankful I knew someone like you
I think of you from time to time
I remember you with giggles
and innocence
as well as with ice cream and tears
oh how sweet and naive a 15 year old can be
#2
You've always been my favorite.
stood tall, sweet
you thought I was the best thing that ever happened to you
I swear you would've tried to move those mountains
just to see me dance with a smile
you loved me with pure intentions
and a sparkle in your eye
I'm sorry I ruined that love story for you
you deserve a great love story more than any of us
to the first boy I ever loved,
it felt like magic. didn't it?
heart flutters and forehead kisses
faded all too quickly
I think of you from time to time
I hope you find the girl who holds your great love story in the palm of her hands
oh how sweet a first love can be
#3
I call you the lion in poems
you took whatever innocence I had left in my fragile frame
I never had seem evil with my own two eyes until I met yours
you gave me a pit in my stomach and a fear in my heart
you showed me some actions can never earn forgiveness
and some people are so ugly
they don't deserve love
I think of you from time to time
especially in the nightmares
I hope you shutter at the thought of my name
thanks for teaching me how to bring a power hungry man to his ******* knees
I won't forget that lesson
oh how sweet a corrupt man can be
#4
my muse
you have been the subject of my words since the day I laid eyes on you
brilliant, brave and bold
you are the root of any and all
of my inspiration
how could anyone not fall for you
no one ever warned me about the sad brown eyes
and the sulky smile
no one ever told me the greatest loves
make for the most epic heartbreaks
you are a wicked man my love
but if there's anything this heart of mine beats for
it's a troubled boy begging for a home
I let you in, no trouble at all
it's getting you out, thats been a little more difficult
I think of you all the time
days on end, minutes on high
my mind is polluted with the images you left for me to find
I hope you know,
my baby is you. till the end of time
oh how troubling a life saving love
can be

There is a pit that has made a home in my stomach
it's been living there, growing there
since the day you laid your hands on me
the day you slid your hands to places they had no right to be
the night you took advantage of the position
you knew you had
ever since then there are words that make my head foggy
and there are boys who can put me **** close to cardiac arrest
just by looking
for a little too long
you called it miscommunication
you called it regret
you called it asking for it
I call it assault
I call it waking up at 3 AM every morning
in a cold sweat, another nightmare
I call it scrubbing myself raw every night in the shower
trying to rid of the skin cells your fingers grazed
I call it jumping whenever my kind boy reaches for my hand
out of love
you are a man made of dirt
you are a lion
so why are you preying on butterflies
I don't know when I allowed you to tear off my wings but I am reclaiming them
today.

I miss you everyday, remember that.

one night you asked me if I remembered what it was like to be in love with you
I laughed to myself because
baby
how could I forget?
you standing there, hands in your pockets
the smile whenever you laid your eyes on me
the t-shirt you wore under your clothes, everyday,
because it was once your fathers
the scar behind your left ear
that appeared after fighting for your sister
How could I forget?
dancing barefoot on the cold kitchen tiles
laughing so hard we could feel it in our hearts
smoking in your car, blasting music
making future plans to run away
I knew then I had it all
I know now, forgetting will never be an option for us
How could I forget you?
I could've sworn you put the sun in the sky and the stars in my eyes
there's no forgetting a love like ours

I secretly hope
on the long nights when it feels like the sun will never beam on your face again
that
you'll think of me softly
I pray you'll imagine me reaching for your fingertips
lacing them with my own
maybe you'll remember
me grazing your cheek with the soft part of my small hands
scooping away the tears with my fingertips
doing my best to take all your sadness into my own palms
or my quiet kisses on your delicate cheek
the soft whispers of " I love you"'s and "don't give up on me"'s
the words that you didn't hear with your ears
the words that traveled in a straight shot to the inner workings of your brilliant heart
I hope on these nights
you remember who loves you most in this world
who always will
I hope for the better part of forever, I'm there with you
reminding you someone out there wants the same things you do
My last hope, is believing
that I can still keep you safe
that I'm still your refuge
when the air turns bitter

A palindrome is letters or sequences
that read the same both forwards and backwards
I often think of our love as a palindrome
what we had
was a palindrome love
no start nor end
but always the same
whether read from start to finish
or finish to start
I pray one day I'll stop moving in back and forth sequences
I hope one day
we both only move forwards

that's the funny thing about love
there's no denying it
one day, there is suddenly is
and for all the rest of the days
it will never fail to remind you of its company
whether it's sweet or sour
that's the thing about love
it will always need to be felt

Have you ever had the feeling
your heart had just bursted one too many times
maybe this time
it truly won't recover
from the wreckage
but oh my darling it will
your heart was never intended to be collateral damage in the warpath created by those who aren't brave enough to love you
& i'm so sorry they destroyed you in their wake of self destruction
but now the choice is yours
remain down in the dirt
bruised knees and angry tears
or
you can rise up
wipe the ashes from your skirt
piece your heart back together
take back the stolen bits
then keep on walking
until you find somewhere far enough
to remake your story
you have the choice to no longer remain collateral damage
instead
become the damage yourself

The first time we'd spoken in months
you typed "hey"
seeing your name on my screen put a rock in my gut
before I knew I was choking on air
tears streaming down my face in the middle of a crowded street
I don't know why I'm shook up this is the game that you play
the minute my heart is about to cut the very last string
you show up with your candy man smile
and eyes made of gold
I can't help but stop in my tracks to stare
but you'd think after months you'd come up with a better line than 3 little letters ******* with a bow
like nothing went wrong
like we were still each others homes
well I've been homeless for months and In all this time alone
I've thought about all of the things I would say
If I ever did come across your face
I of course didn't say any of those things I have been running like a track in my mind instead I typed "hey"
Theres no way 3 letters is all we have to say to each other after everything has happened
I have so much to say so much to scream
I know you do too
so why not take a leap for once in your life?
why not take the risk of saying how you feel?
I know you're scared but baby so am I
we used to make each other feel safe.
can we try that again?

i stopped writing poems
because the only poems that were leaking off the pen
were always inked with traces of you
i couldn't bare it any more
not writing about you
especially now that you've taken it upon yourself to leave
drive miles and miles away never turning your head to check the rearview mirror
I can't stand the thought of you
out there alone
lonely, with shivers in your heart
with no one there to whisper in your ear
it will all be alright,
hey, i love you
the thought of your hands being cold at night and no one there
to hold them
makes me want to scream
but I know
I know to move forward you have to leave past, past
somehow I became past when I used to be future
I don't recall when that happened
just promise me as you leave
you'll take one more look in your rearview
let me blow you a kiss and wave you off as you drive goodbye
one last act of love for my baby
let me let you leave

as you walked me home that autumn night
I could feel my words breaking your heart
and when you kissed me goodnight
your air felt brisk in my lungs
like you had finally gone cold
you held my hands on the front porch
you only pulled away to wipe a stray tear from my cheek
it was in that moment we both realized the truth
this is the love we won't get right
I know I shattered your heart that night
but now looking back at you,
I think we both know
we'll always give it
one more try

he always believed god made a mistake when carefully curating his quiet body with a loud mouth
he said
I wreck what I touch
I feel far too much
I never show emotion for long
and I destroy the ones I love most
he always believed I was a symphony
he said
you're perfectly timed
a pretty face with a flawless mind
your heart is gold, intentions pure
you're far too good to love a soul like mine
and yet the perfect symphony fell in love with the man
who was the color of boom
so boom went the love
then boom went their hearts
but when he said
I told you
we were never going to surpass the nasty
she said
darling can't you see how we've bloomed
you're the man I knew you could be
no longer the color of boom

Our love is a ghost
lurking among the shadows
pouncing about in the darkness of my mind
I knew you were special
but I never knew the inner workings of your soul
would intertwine themselves between the deepest places
of my mind
These days I only see you in the dark
your face is a scar only to be recovered
in the early hours of the quiet morning
I can't take the silence
because as soon as the quiet starts
the voices begin
they are deafening
your voice is on repeat
I toss and I turn
but I cannot shake the feeling of your body laying close to mine
tears stream down my face for no reason at all
it's been months
your gone so why are you still here?
our love is a ghost
my life has become a never ending haunting
an old home movie that runs on repeat
I've missed the quiet since the day I met you
in the darkest of moments I find myself dreaming
we never crosses lines at all
what a sick turn of events
our love turned to nightmares
and the dream is that
we never even existed

- you cut too deep

Lying on the edge of the world in the middle of your bed I swear I feel infinite. Baby, Please, can we stay like this forever? Looking in your eyes has me going crazy. I trace the freckles on your face and run my hands through the wet curls laying on your head. With tangled fingers, shimmered minds and glowing hearts. I never knew love could feel like this. Like the whole world stops spinning just so me and you can pause and dance. My life has begun to feel like a movie ever since I found my place on your arm. I can see the light leaks of old film just looking at your soft face. Oh love, I find myself having to refrain from taking you far away to an old hillside town, I don't mean to be selfish but oh god how I wish you were all mine. my brown eyed baby, no one will ever compare to the radiance you have shown this vacant soul. Amour Amour my darling.

On cold mornings
I always take a few minutes out of everyday to picture what it would feel like if you were still here
I imagine you laying next to me
holding my hand
kissing my forehead
on really cold mornings I swear I can still feel your touch
but when the minutes are up
I open my eyes
& you're there
& I'm here
its heartwrenching and horrendous
but that is the reality of this fairytale

Oh how you'll never know how much I miss you
I should have held you a little longer every night we shared
I should have snuck a bottle of your cologne to spray through all my clothes
I should have let you kiss me when we were fighting
I should have hugged you tighter
I should have hugged you tight
our ribs connected so we could never part.
I should have gone to war for you
that night
I should have turned you around
made you stay
Why'd you leave lover?
Now theres a permanent icy spot
on the left side of my bed
on the left side of my heart
& you my love
you were my right hand
all the better parts of me
are intertwined in my mess of loving you
no one comes close lover
no one comes close

My tender lover
how I miss your warmth
two young bodies colliding at the very edge of world
I wish I could be like you
have no hard feelings
look at the pictures and feel absolutely nothing
I know you hate when my nostalgia comes around
but my love
all these poems are written in your name
you promised that you'd stay
And I promised I'd be here
through the poor and bad
cold heart and all yeah that's what I said
But you iced me out, thats what you do
I never come running this is the truth
you turned your back and never looked again  
I suppose I never imagined I'd be the receiving end
of your frostbite
how am I supposed to have no hard feelings
it doesn't make sense when the memories keep repeating
you once told me you were my home
these days
I find myself drinking alone
and writing you poem after ******* poem
Now I lay in my bed,
drunk, cold and stripped down to the bone  
because the only one man I ever did loved
struck me right in the heart
he didn't think twice
so maybe I'm desperate
just a little unwell
but don't tell my love, no hard feelings
after you dropped a ******* bombshell

Sometimes
Its hard for me to accept that some people have no goodness
within them
some people don't need a sad story to make them evil
some villians eat love for breakfast
some demons were never gods angels
everytime I took a trip down your rabbit hole I ended up with scraped knees and madness in my veins
I drove myself crazy trying to find a light through the tunnel
I searched every dark corner only to uncover more darkness
Truth is there is no explanation for why your hands are so cold
I burned through every candle of my own trying to light your fire
Yet I still woke up alone
and freezing
I never did find the light I was looking for
Instead, I lost my own

The more stories I hear of you
the less I want to remember our fairytale
With every Truth that shows
more mud gets thrown on our pages
it's time I realize
I was never apart of a storybook ending
Only a fooled princess
who mistook
the villian
for her prince

- Oh how Cliche

I don't have much to apologize for
but I never meant to hurt you
I've grown accustomed to believing mine is the only pure heart left
in the midst of my own destruction
its hard to believe anyone has any good intentions left
I know you love me
but my heart has become so rock solid
even your fragile eyes
couldn't melt the border
I created


- I miss you, everyday.

I find myself having to relearn the lesson
that you cannot love someone until they love you back
our love was like a human taming a lion
eventually I realized loving you
didn't mean you would stop biting me
it just made me a fool
for loving something
created to hurt me
truth is
the wild is in your blood and
it's not your fault
so I forgive you
for what you cannot control
but I also must release myself
from the responsibility of taming your heart


-i'm tired of bleeding out