What do I do with all the words that I have left unsaid

The **** I want to say
But cant and wont

As if I was filling a bucket with teardrops

Keep telling myself
That one day Ill say it all
Its just that that day
Will not come

So

Writing is the only way I can
Let go of half of the burden
I set the words free
Even though
They never
Make it
To you

But somehow I feel
That they now
Are closer to you
And therefore
Am I

A sense of lightness
is what I suppose happiness could be
Not a feeling but a state of being

And at the same time
you can also feel blue

Light blue

So it doesn´t rip you apart
but quietly soothes your mind
and lets your soul unwind

i put my sunglasses on
cuz i dont want people  to know
where im looking

i push my shoulders back
so noone suspects the
anxiety trembeling
behind my eyes

so they cant see me
because i dont let them
and they dont care

really

but nevertheless

it hurts so much
to be alone like that
not even having myself

having lost myself
somewhere with the
peace i once felt

i hope im happy

Playing games
To shield myself from everything
That could hurt me outside
My shattered core
So when I for once want to reveal
My broken soul
Noone belives me

when the sky is red and sun goes down
my blood starts rushing to the nightly sounds
the luscious velvet touch of the night
kisses my sorrows and holds me tight
embracing my freedom of being alone
breathing and feeling completely profound

and when the day, being just a mare blink of the night,
wakes up the tainted shadows of light
that walk all over my dream in a manner so bleak
I close my eyes and fall asleep

It makes me feel so safe
walking next to you-
nothing can hurt me
including myself

would I be depressed
if you were always by my side?
I know you are
there for me
but I need you to squeeze my arm
so I know that you are real
that I am
that everything is okay
but I know I can't really
depend my sanity
on another fragile being
together we are stronger
but what if we are
not
together

I haven't had the courage yet
to look you in the eye
not quite sure why

I guess Im afraid
of uncovering myself
of letting my guard down
while I catch my breath

afraid that I get too lost

it just takes a moment
and you can see
that I would
head over heels
dive in your eyes

Im afraid you
look away
close your eyes to me

so I rather
wont look
so you never know
and neither will I

i looked at the moon
in front of me
growing

and felt so
relieved
that im so small
and she is so big

so the moon
carries my worries
and
i
glow

Five times I have
fallen
in love with you
Five times I have
stopped
Have forgotten you

Maybe its all so
I could fall
for you
once
more

How sad must our shadows feel
to be always following us
never free
without a will of its own

but what if a shadow too
has a soul
What if it needs care
just like we do

so love your
shadow
never reject
thus it will always be there for you
never abandoning
and the only one
you will can never leave

On a good day
I could say I'm swimming
under the water

Compared to my usual
days spent in the bottom
of a pit
drown as a stone

<I wish to breathe
and one day maybe
float>

Lift the pressure.
Fly.

Its the end of the end
I still love you

And we have tried
too many times

But its just the end

We are bound together forever
but our lives have grown apart

But in the end
its just the end

I can feel insanity stroking my head \ And holding me tighter than you ever did \ I swear \ I feel it \ Walking talking looking around \ Softly wrapping around me \ Tearing me apart \ Hiding me in places I do not know how to find \ Stroking my head even harder

and taking over my life-

How many broken hearts do there have to be
Why do so many suffer
What is all this heart break for

What could this world be
If love filled all the cracks
If it glued the pieces
That sadness and hatred
Has shattered all over

If my heart could once more feel warm
If I could
Feel once more
Warm
In your hands

Dont remember
  the last time
  I walked
  my head up
So high

    Not looking
  at my feet
Shoulders hunched

But looking up
  So hopeful
    Determined

               ...

Falling stars
    my only aim
Wishing you
    fell for me
Hoping you
   feel the same

That smile
you threw at me
that ****** me up

Was it on purpose
or just kind

but so beautiful and deep

and how I wished it was for me

My day was going just fine
until you smiled

Today
I woke up

With
something strange
under my skin

Deep in the core
moving around
confused

Could not tell
what it was

Like it did not
know its purpose

Wondering around

Looking for
a purpose
or meaning

Just
like
me

I wake up late

as late as possible

and Im tired of forcing myself to sleep

exhausted

but what is worse

is gray days

full of nothing

so I sleep

live my dreams

and who knows

which is which

dreams are my creation

a world that belongs to me

but isnt my life?

Only in the early mornings
when everyone is asleep

I let myself cry