As I search the internet trying to find the right quote for summing up grief
I decided to just stop trying to find that quote
because honestly nothing could've prepared me to face the familiar feelings once again
no matter how the news is given to me
It still isn't easy
words left unspoken or words that I meant to say but now it's too late
writing my feelings helps every once in a while
on paper at least
sadness still remains
certain days are the hardest
but in my mind you still live on
Tell me why we met only to have a crash course
Everything I knew
Was falling apart like confetti
All I wanted was a lover’s embrace
Although I felt the need to retreat for several months
After a month of freedom and fresh air
Stronger than ever
Although I wish I didn’t have to shut you out and run from the fallout
When I finally realized that the fallout was over
I was left wondering why did I have to fall so fast
Only to become a stranger to the one person I loved
Which was myself
I think I've always had a fascination with the moon
and the sun.
It wasn't one of those things that was all of a sudden or joining the crowd.
It was simply not being shy with my admiration for the moon anymore.
I shut people out almost like it's a living
Like I'm getting paid to do it
Even though that's the farthest thing from the truth
It's simply more complex than that
When I see friends out and about
enjoying each other's company
I start to feel this ache in my chest
Not a physical ache but an emotional one
Almost like a longing to have what they have
But how can I miss something that I never had in the first place
Sure people get to know me
introductions and everything else related to friendship
but it seems that every single time
I'm left in the dust
abandoned or replaced
it happens like clockwork
You might argue you have a lot of friends
what about them
I acknowledge the fact that I have friends and I treasure them
don't get me wrong I do
But in the same token, it gets old
I love exploring other genres of music
expanding my music taste is fun
in addition to discovering new artists
but do you ever listen to a couple of new songs and immediately afterward feel like you’ve been listening to the song your whole entire life and just fell out of touch with the song
upon discovering it once again you feel this strange sense of peace and belonging
the strumming of a guitar is so peaceful and calming
I have a couple of songs that I’m fond of
and in my head, I envision the types of songs that during certain scenarios
the songs would be played either at high volume
or at a soft volume, it would be so quiet you could almost hear a pin drop except in the background the strumming of a guitar would be heard
For example when life gets too hectic or I’m feeling overwhelmed
just listening to one of these songs
makes me forget about life just for a bit and immerse myself in the melody and the message of the song
Written while I was listening to one of the songs that I wrote about in this song
you can’t come into my life
a year or two later and try to make a home out of someone who truly didn’t want to be called home
After all, it’s a dangerous thing because if you have a fallout with the person who you considered ‘’ home’’ so to speak
then what do you do when you suddenly think of all the memories you and that person made
out of nowhere
I feel like we’re going in circles darling
this back and forth
tugging at my heartstrings
only to leave me at midnight
Don’t play me for a fool once again
my heart doesn’t deserve to feel broken
my feelings aren’t your little toy that can be messed with
I’m worth more than all your mind games combined babydoll
I love my latin name so much
the way it sounds so ethereal but not exactly that
I love the way when you say it aloud
it flows so easily off the tongue
almost like it was meant to be my name
the way it ties me back to my country of birth
proud is the emotion
I feel whenever I think of my roots
See I wanted to write about you and everything that I silently picked up on up
if you're wondering what I picked up on
Body language and cues
The way you tensed up when you were about to hear bad news
how it at times it came crashing down and you didn't know what to do
I reassured you the best way I could
when you're concentrating or deep in thought about something
( I knew not to disturb you )
opening up to anyone was a task in itself
you hated doing that / I understood
The way you like to sing off key you think you sounded horrible singing wise
Personally, to me, I thought you sounded good
you told me a lot of info about yourself gradually over the months we got to know each other
I told you a lot of things as well
but one thing is for sure I picked up on several things you weren't aware of and I'd never tell you this
but you're easy to read just like a book
if you're annoyed, angry or upset
you might think oh no one cared or noticed
as it was written all over your face meaning you had the most readable ****** expressions
if you're wondering how I knew about your moods
it's simple really I could tell in the tone of your voice
if you were about to cry you had a certain tone of voice that suggested quivering in I'm about break down and cry tone of voice or how you were upset you had a certain way of behaving that let me know either to give you space or to comfort you
if you were mad ( depending on what the issue was / who the individual was and how long ago it was in addition to the details determined everything )
how you'd need space or you felt upset / still brought up the issue no matter how long ago said everything
and how could I forget your favorite songs the way you hummed them
favorite food and snacks
I still remember the details that you told me
the way we both know I'm fine or I'm okay
is a complete lie when either one of us
is upset mostly you though
when you're upset or down it's like I can sense that your energy is off / vibes are off some way or another
but one thing about our friendship is how we told each other several things
and because of that I still remember how you react
your dreams and what your plans for the future were
how you handled relationships
The first time I had fallen in love
It kinda snuck up behind me
I wasn’t expecting it
it was a long time ago in the past
I remember feeling so nervous
Afraid of making a bad impression and embarrassing myself
when I fell in love with them
it wasn’t one of those oh it’s you or a fast realization type of love
it was one where I can vividly remember the moment where I fell in love
and after all these years and months I still have nostalgia about it
I knew the likes and dislikes
what their dreams in life were and several other things
You know how you know something like the back of your hand and it doesn’t matter how many months it’s been or how much time has passed
you still remember the things that were told to you in that moment
That’s how it was with them
I knew when they were mad , angry and upset
wanting to turn their back on the world
All I could think was I love you and your flaws even when your angry , upset and mad
there is nothing you could do to convince me otherwise
When I realized that I was in love with them
the silent battle to tell or not to tell was the question
the thing was I didn’t wanna lose our friendship
all i could think was us breaking apart as friends would hurt worse verses us breaking apart
as a couple
And by the time I had realized that I might want to tell them
it was already too late
The chance had come and gone
But when a opportunity to tell them presented itself to me
I couldn’t do it
the old feelings that I thought were gone
rose up and suddenly the courage to tell was gone
just like it had arrived
- The things you’ll never know// The dilemma of falling for someone who you’re just friends with
I remember when you whispered your wishes to me in the night time
And you let me in
telling me your vulnerabilities one by one
almost as if you were wanting to be intimate with me but at the time we were too jaded to care
all I could think was maybe in this moment
we’ll be vulnerable and it won’t sting
Months later I was mistaken as the distance between us grew more and more
you were suddenly a stranger to me
It felt weird almost as if I had to act like at one point we weren’t echoing the promises of forever that rolled off our tongues
I understand why poets are anonymous
The ability to be able to write one’s inner thoughts and feelings without judgement
in addition to added privacy
But most of all an outlet
an escape from the world and the responsibilities every once in a while
Just taking a moment to reflect on things
sometimes what’s written down on the pages or online can bring up old emotions that were better left untouched within the corners of one’s mind
other times it can feel so overwhelming having so much info to dump somewhere
but the only outlet available is a keyboard and your thoughts
writing and writing until you feel satisfied with your work
or until the feeling of finally letting go resembles a trash bin from recycling
you’ve unloaded the thoughts and you feel a bit lighter
I am more than just another pretty face
isn’t it ironic that people only pay attention to you when you’re all dolled up
Whether that involves foundation , powder or lipstick
Feeling like a stranger to myself when I’m all dolled up
I feel more like myself when I’m bare faced
No makeup on
Although I love wearing makeup don’t get me wrong
But sometimes I wish people would pay attention to someone’s written work
The poetry that one creates and is able to express herself through her words
verses on physical appearance
I understand why poets are anonymous
it’s not to increase the chances of people
begging for a face reveal
It’s to be able to write one’s inner thoughts and feelings without judgement
in addition to added privacy
Written on a whim
If you didn't know her very well then you would
think she's just another stereotypical girl
that's where you're mistaken in so many ways
here is how I view this mysterious girl
with a small and petite frame
any dress she wears fits her like a glove
soft and snug as she slips on a red dress that did her justice
highlighting every curve
Don't even get me started on how this girl honestly doesn't need any makeup
for her beauty is internal
radiant, loving and beautiful are the three words I think of immediately
when her name is spoken aloud
the way I'd describe the color of her eyes is mesmerizing.
from afar, you'd think that they were a regular brown color.
''It isn't until you get the chance to actually talk to her. Then you realize how oh so wrong you were''
Alluring dark brown eyes
Outlined by long, full eyelashes, and above are her arched eyebrows.
she had long voluminous dark hair that was the color of the midnight sky
which framed her face perfectly
Although on some days, it could appear unkept
or messy, but it didn't matter. To me, she was beautiful no matter how her hair looked.''
she didn't need to dye it any other color
for it's a reflection of her Latin roots
her personality is like a little kid at heart
she's so spontaneous
wanting to travel and experience new things and meet new people
It's so exciting to see that the little things that make her happy
For example, the way she sings at the top of her lungs
When her favorite song comes on the radio
Gets that certain glint in her eyes
I honestly can't decide if that glint reflects playfulness or adventure
either way, I love it
Her thirst for knowledge
Wanting to know different things
Sometimes she tends to let her mind wander
going from one subject to the next one
But if something really captures her interest
then she’ll do everything in her power to know anything and everything about the subject
The way she loves someone is truly like no other
It’s not about the gifts or the gesture's
the staying up until sunrise
to make something heartfelt or write a paragraph
it all depends on how long you’ve known her and two other factors
and you’ll be able to tell if she loves you and cares
look at her actions they speak more volumes than words do
last but certainly not least is how much she thrives off of her alone time
It’s nothing personal
But she loves having time to herself
time to recharge so to speak
from the world around her
Can you guess who this is about ????
Playlists are songs that convey messages
some are as simple as I thought you’d like this
while others are more complex
dancing around a unanswered question
so to try to tell that particular person
you try to throw out hints left and right
only to realize that it truly never worked
And you should have told them in the moment
while everything was as sweet as flowers blooming in the springtime
But in another universe maybe I’d have enough courage to finally ask that one question
I was outspoken about a lot of things
My feelings were another subject to be discussed another day
I know how I am about certain things
The question that will never be uttered from my lips
I wish I had let you know sooner
rather than me overthinking in that moment
making it more complicated than it actually was
whenever I thought about asking you the question
that to me would be a big deal in terms of maybe being spontaneous
either that option or being a sap
looking into your hazel eyes
I froze up
out of nervousness
But I should’ve asked you
for if I had taken the chance
we would have created a special cliché moment
that in a couple years we would always remember
whenever the song would’ve played on the radio
Oh the missed opportunity to hold you in my arms
As we sway back and forth
mesmerized by each other
Following each other’s steps to the song
Twirling me around
The sweetness of your embrace
written around the time I had realizations
dealing with a missed chance
I've been thinking about a lot of things
And the one thing I don't understand is
Why people throw around the words
''I love you '' and ''I care about you''
In addition to I'll never leave
Before they realize that sometimes life may split them apart
And the distance no matter how many miles
Sometimes can't hold the glue together
So before you try to promise me things
Like we'll move in together and live together
Marriage and everything else similar to that
Slow down first and get to know me as a person
Don't get caught up in what I can do physically
Such as kissing you till we're so out of breath
feeling hazy and the lines of so called love is a blur
Focus on what makes me well me
And what I mean by that is a little bit of small talk here and there
Such as Favorite Icecream and what are your dreams or What do you want to accomplish in life
Notice how I didn't dive right into personal questions
Or trying to know one's past right off the bat
Because getting to know someone is in small but big stages
Don't rush the process of Hello's and finding a common interest then letting it blossom from there
As you get to know someone
month after month
You learn about their likes and dislikes
What makes them vulnerable
Things that they wouldn't have the courage to say when the sun is up
in the day time
Only the night time
Only when the time is right so to speak
is when you ask whoever it is that you are interested in
Personal questions but not to the point that if you had a fallout with them
Then you couldn't look at them
In the same way again
If you rush things along way too fast
Diving into personal stuff without warning
Then if they suddenly leave you
out of the blue
No questions asked
you're left with their secrets
They know more about you
And your left wondering why can't I take all that I said to them
secrect wise back
So before the damage is done
Slow down and get to know each other as a person first
Like how they react when everything isn't going well or in certain life situations such as seeing them mad or upset
Different life situations reveal their true personality or how they will act how several years down the road
something along those lines
But getting back to the point here
Sometimes personality wise
I keep to myself hidden
You might not understand it
But in due time you'll figure out why I do this
and why I am the way I am
Don't fall in love with the gestures
that I might do for you
The stuff I make you
Paragraphs that I'll end up writing you
Everything that is involved with being my friend
or dating me
For what I've learned over the years is that if you fall in love too fast
With the gestures that I do
Instead of loving me ad a person
You'll think of me as perfect
Or trying to love me only to get the gestures
For when I grow wary and tired
Of trying to keep you
With the gifts and discontinuing it
Just as a small little test
To determine if you really love me for me
Not what I can make you or get you
And you come up
When certain life situations expose me as a person
And seeing how I react to the situations
Including my moods
but not limited to the way I do things
your picture perfect version of me
I won't beg you to love me
When I end up ruining
The picture perfect version of your idealized
fantasy of what I am verses who I am in reality
So before you promise me empty things
Or words that you think will keep me
Such as I love you or I care
Get to know me as a individual/ person
Then I'll see for myself if you really love me like you claim too
Or if it was fake love
Only to get the benefits of gifts
Before you utter the words I love you to me
I want you to really think it through first
Don't say it to me if you don't really feel those feelings
Or love towards me
Because if you say it without meaning
I'll be fooled into thinking
you actually care
Keep this in mind before you tell me
Will you love me in difficult times and situations
Where I'll be tempted to push you away
Or have some time alone with myself
When I'm reminded of my past and need reassurance
Mostly life situations where I tend to want to push you away
Or need space just for breathing room
If you don't love me because of what I've just mentioned above
Then don't tell me
Another thing is throughout the getting to know each other as a person stage
If feelings change
Don't delay telling the person that your feelings for them have changed
For if you wait much longer to tell them
You'll ruin their trust
and cause them to think something is wrong
but I can't pinpoint it
Afterwards the person will have to work on self reflection and dealing with the woes
Of the lesson known as heartbreak
But most of all take it day by day
With a grain of salt
- Lessons on self reflecting and loving someone
A mixture of how to love someone and understanding with a little bit of heartbreak
I remember all of your favorite things
like the way you love a certain snack
And even though I'm going different places in life
I'll always remember the way you held my hand
how i almost wanted to kiss you in that moment
but how does one confess
that I wanna be your first kiss
the words were on the tip of my tongue
almost said the words
but when the opportunity arose
suddenly I froze up
looking into your hazel eyes
It seems so strange
That out of the blue
You wanna say hello
Isn't it strange that no matter
How much time has passed
You still act brand new
As if I forgot the lessons you put me through
You were quick to love me
But then again we were attracted to each other
The flame that was once alive
Burned out like the gasoline in my car
I hate the fact that I still remember all of the words you told me at one point in time
Talking about how we were going to last forever
a future that included you loving me
and countless other promises
that you never intended on keeping
I remember the pain of you hurting me emotionally
the feelings i tried to brush off
to where you couldn't tell that I had gone through heartbreak
Skipping a couple verses to say
You weren't my first love
might've thought you were
But honestly the way you went on and on throwing around the three little words
But you and I both know
That if you truly loved me
I wouldn't have gone through the heartbreak
which was hidden in the way you said '' I love you ''
'' I care about you ''
''I won't hurt you ''
As If I'd let you back in
to go through the heartbreak again
You're apart of my past for a reason
so with that being said
The water is dripping
Drip drip drip
Goes the water
Droplets that are now on my skin
As I shiver
From the coldness that I feel
I can’t help but stare
At my reflection
In the fogged up mirror
I think silently to myself who is that woman who looks worn and tired
from certain things that if spoken aloud will make her upset and yearning to go somewhere far to forget
what her mind tries desperately to repress
That women is me
I'm the one wanting to forget
I try and loose myself
in anything that serves as a distraction to mask what is real
Sometimes it works
other times not so much
But here the words that I'll never say out loud that is
I'll always resent you for doing what you did to me
How dare you
you took one look at me
and had to control me almost from start to finish
but guess what my love for you
died when you put me through so much cough what was it
oh yeah *******
I'll never trust you
so don't count on it
You haven’t seen the 2 AM me.
The one whose unfiltered, real and has no concept of time in those hours
Meaning when everything is quiet.
No one is up at 2 AM
I'm wanting to pack up and go on a random nightly road trip blasting songs at high volume and singing.
just for the heck of it
But also you haven’t seen my ‘’ I’m tired expression ‘’
when I’m drained beyond belief
From trying to pull off the all-nighters
When I'm fighting off sleep
not wanting to give in to sleep
But eventually you’ll learn what time I'll start talking sleepily in my sleepy haze
Oh, the sleepy haze tends to make me honest.
for when those hours are nicknamed sleepy hours
as the sun goes down
I tend to be more honest.
During those hours I'll end up spilling some thoughts that I wouldn’t have the courage to say when the sun is up.
The poetry written in a sleepy haze
I think about what I went through
I didn't deserve any of it
The fact that you were supposed to love me and said I care about you
But let's skip past the I love you' s what you put me through all those years ago / months
Let's focus on the fact that I still can't speak about it and when I do I weep until I'm so overcome with sadness and anger
That it makes me upset at myself
I know it wasn't my fault
But you kept putting me through so much that I rather not go into detail about it
But this is what I still can't fathom
How can you sleep at night
Knowing you hurt me so deeply
To the point where whenever I speak your name
It feels like poison on my tongue
And I'm reminded of why I resent you
My love for you died
when I realized that the one closest to you will hurt you and take joy in doing so
You taught me from a young age
The empty feelings and promises
But most importantly
You were the first one who messed up my trust
That word alone scares me
Because I've had to deal with people
Abandoning me , leaving me
Having me pick up my broken pieces on my own
So thought of someone staying
Confuses me because they say '' I'll stay ''
But every single time like clockwork
Suddenly it turns into silently leaving me and
Abandoning me out of no where
So yes the word and actual commitment
scares me to the point where I am the one
to leave first to spare myself the hurt
And of course from what I've seen
everyone says they will stay but in reality
once one is vulnerable and shows someone all the reasons
not to stay along with the brokenness
that is their past
Of course they all leave
That's what I deserve / All I'm used to
So why should I expect you to stay
Back it up with your actions
- excerpt from a book I'll never write
Part of me wants to try again.
But the other rational side of me is like you’ve got a lot of healing to do.
it’ll take a long time but you’ll get there in due time so don’t rush.
So I don’t rush
taking it day by day
But I can’t help but fear of getting hurt again.
And the way certain words rolled off your tongue so easily
It frightened me.
Only because we barely know each other.
I don’t know your likes and dislikes in general
Or anything else related to get to know each other
The unspoken moment of being vulnerable with each other frightens me to no end
Only because the thought of doing the same cycle again and again
Makes me want to run and not do this again
But then there’s that 1% of me thinking
what if this one time around you don't get hurt and your happy
The pattern ends and is destroyed forever.
Unspoken topics such as one’s past is filed under things that may or may not be talked about
Personally for me it’s one of those things that won’t be told to anyone
Even if we reach that point of closeness to where I can trust you
Whose to say you won’t leave me suddenly and out of no where
But the point is.
I might take a chance and try again.
But then again I might not and leave it at a simple hello
Walking out of your life
not by choice but because I’m going to be going through another life changing event - Graduation.
We’re going to be at two different stages in our lives.
But I’ll simply observe and continue doing what I’ve been doing.
It hits me mostly when I let the quietness in for too long.
the way I’m trying to distract myself from this heartbreak but it only works for so long until I’m forced back into the reality that is no longer us anymore
I wanted it so badly to work out between us.
I yearned for it all to be a dream almost like a cruel joke that someone had played on me.
I knew it wasn’t when I kept crying for nights on end.
I feel like my heart has harden because this heartbreak.
I’m trying to have energy when it comes to doing the things I enjoy.
But it seems like my emotional level/energy level is stuck at 1%
My emotional level as far as vulnerability goes is turned to ashes, destroyed and tired
Mostly worn and tired, though
Love isn’t supposed to have me crying.
Love isn’t being led on.
but most importantly it isn’t being caught up in your words oh wait
I already was from start to finish.
The I love you's and I love you forever in French.
Who knew forever in your eyes meant temporary.
oh the dreams of moving in with you
that’s what stings the most about this whole entire ordeal
and toss in the fact that I might still have feelings for you even though you hurt me.
I think it's my unlucky number.
A number that has only brought me pain, sadness and anger
Before you write this off as everyone has unlucky numbers
What's so different about your case that your trying to present
Let me explain.
You see I've noticed a pattern throughout the months.
it seems that every time the number 13 rolls around.
No matter what the starting number is date wise
Irrelevant is the first number.
But if it ends with 13
Oh no rolls off my tongue so naturally
Because the first time 13 rolled around
It was lucky for a while.
But then just like milk when it sours
It ran it's course.
The pain I was left with hurt me was
deeper than I could write about.
The second time I thought oh it's a coincidence
I was utterly hopelessly wrong.
It seemed like the number 13
was like a wasp stinging
Never stopping until the pain was a numbing type of pain.
One you'd want to escape from
I'm skipping a few 3 and 4ths just to say.
It completely slipped my mind.
On why I have my reasons that I hate 13 date wise
No matter the time
Or the year
It's like a reminder that you don't wanna face.
But this time has got me afraid and scared
That the number 13 will prevail
I'll end up hurting way worse than what happened before
The way the cards are playing out
makes my anxiety go way past the roof or the stars
Because this is how I got hurt the last time around
I was an experiment.
It hurt to know I was used.
But I managed to suppress it
Then later on realized my worth and walked away
Now fast forward a couple of months.
And it seems that oh familiar fear has returned.
It never truly left but was suppressed.
The fear is simply being left and lead on.
disregarding my feelings
The reason why I hate 13 is simple
bad memories mixed in with hurting
You didn’t have to verbalize the fact that you were leaving me.
It’s like I had a feeling that something was wrong
Everything had been fine one minute.
Then the next you sent me a paragraph
Word for word explaining your feelings and how you really felt towards me
I’ll never forget how you honestly truly hurt me emotionally.
by saying some of the things you said
One thing that hurt me the most was how you truly never cared about me
Only telling me what you thought would soothe my questioning
Distracting me from the real issue which was that I was used
Effortlessly and without a care in the word
You truly played me like a fiddle.
I think my favorite lie that you told to me.
is how you wanted to meet me offline
Let’s be realistic for a minute.
It wasn’t going to happen.
I wanted it so badly to happen.
But in a way I was glad that it didn’t when I realized how much you used me
Why would I want to be with someone who truly didn’t accept me for me?
During the time that it all occurred
I thought I was upset and sad knowing that we never worked out.
looking back I’m so glad that It didn’t
You are one of the many lessons in life.
one out of many
Teaching me not to trust
- when I think about how you hurt me
When someone asked me why I did a certain thing
If anything it reminded me of the past
and of you for a split second
I quickly changed topics in order to avoid me from wanting to talk about you.
But when she kept persisting and kept asking.
I almost wanted to cry right then and there but then I reminded myself of how strong I was.
How even though you hurt me emotionally by stringing me along.
telling me empty words with zero meaning now looking back at it
But at the time oh how I wanted half of the words that you told me to come true
I wanted to meet you for the first time.
See you offline.
But then when I self-reflected
Was when I realized how the way I acted back then
vowed never again would I let myself be swayed by pretty words
Promising me things until it wasn't what you wanted anymore
written when I was feeling the after effects of heartbreak back then
As I drove around my old neighborhood, I was remising about my childhood.
The memories that I love and I’ll always cherish with you.
One sees a regular house verses me who looks at the house with pride and longing to go to my childhood room.
But then again I would get choked up crying and wishing that you were with me
wishing that I could see you again
Hug you again.
I miss you a lot and I hope you’re proud of me.
You’ll always be talked about so highly and don’t forget how much I love you
no matter where I go
I’ll always think about our memories together.
no one can take those away from me
written for someone who I love and miss dearly
I remember when I wasn't so cold as ice.
Emotionally I was more open to the possibility of vulnerability.
But then you came along and changed me
Before I was so open.
Now only a shadow of my former self
My eyes that shined with ember and hope
Now are dull and tired
The love that I had felt for you
Now is crumbled up like a piece of paper
Fire, passion and intensity
are gone just like the autumn leaves in the fall
Wondering where to go from here
I know it may sting at first
After all, it took a long time for me to leave you
Even though I wasn't involved with you on a physical level
Emotionally that was a different story.
The way I kept holding onto you resembled a vine that was in tangled with itself
Mixed with red roses
In addition to the feeling of trying to let you go
When I attempted to time and time again
It proved to be nothing and no use as one would say.
I did try to detach from you.
I tried and tried.
Until the roses poked me
Endlessly with the thorns
So then I gave up
Let the thorns stay.
And questioned why it was so hard to let go
Maybe that's when the roses fell off me & the thorns took a long time to dissolve into the truth that is our past.
But when I'm healed, I know you'll be tempted to find me again and love me in the only way you know how.
Soft at first then making me question why I left you
But I already know my answer.
If you didn't realize what you had in the first place
Then don't question why I hold you at arm's length.
I'm the girl who you lose in your life to make you realize what you had and that you should've cherished the first time around rather than finally realizing it after I've already left you.
- The one who leaves
Never warned me about how to
cope with someone who walks away from everything.
All my life
I've known how to give myself to the people who only wanted what they wanted.
Just to leave me
It's almost as if the I love you's that fell from their lips
Almost held me together
But when they left.
It came back full circle.
Until the heartache
Made me want to run into someone else's arms just so they could hold me for a while
But how could I know that they wouldn't leave me?
I wanted comfort, but I was afraid to say what was threating to fall from my lips.
You'll figure it out in a months time after I've left.
- My inner thoughts // Words I'll never say out loud
I used to be full of energy.
always opens the door to vulnerability
And at one point I was so willing to let people in
But then my past happened
Left wounds that will never heal
Sometimes I'll be unresponsive and distant emotionally.
Certain points I'll try not to show
How my past still affects me
I don't push you away because I don't love you.
I push you away out of habit.
The one's who promised not to leave
Once they saw my past.
lied and left me emotionless and jaded
The effects of my past
The angry fire that is within me
I'm trying to quieten it down
But it's no use
I knew I was hurting when music couldn't ease my pain today
And it felt surreal almost like the clouds kept looming over my head
It felt like I was dragging myself along
I promise I was paying attention if the teacher asks around wondering if I was paying attention
But at the same time not a day before we had a powerpoint
going into a little bit of detail about the signs of depression and the symptoms of mental disorders as well as emotional
When it got to one slide
All I could think was you don't have to go on and on about the signs of one thing
Trust me my life experiences can vouch for me
I know more about this subject than I ever wanted to know in the first place
All I could think was I'm drained and tired emotionally from this
I needed a distraction so I settled for drawing
When in reality I thought I know heartbreak all too well
sure enough, I didn't show the signs of sadness when it was spoken out loud the signs
My friends know the truth
As if I'm going to open up to one of them and tell them a sob story of how I am heartbroken once again
I know they are there to comfort other people in times of need
But I rather let no one know about my heartbreak
except for my inner circle and that's it
Sometimes I wonder if you'll end up hurting me emotionally like all the other's did before you
Maybe it will be silent but fast or be dragged out to the point where my heart is broken
I'm feeling like I'm in a daze that I never truly can escape from
Or someone else might take you away from me
Either way, just close my heart in a glass case and if worse comes to worse and you find yourself wanting to break it into bigger pieces than the ocean
Then take the last days of our love and make me feel loved and dare I say cherished one last time
But be sure to give me closure don't open the door and slam it in my face without telling me why
I beg of you please don't make me cry about how much I regret letting you into the point of no return
Don't make me associate your name with salty wet tears
And wishing I had never let you in
the pain and sadness
echoed across your ****** features as quick as
stop signs switching from stop to go
it was there for a split second
You didn’t want me to notice
But I noticed
All I could think at that moment was
I’m sorry that the words I’m about to say can’t ease your pain
I almost let it slip
How I am a poet who writes intensely
Passionate and all at once
I'm not used to having a muse
Or the possibility of writing for someone
Writing my feelings about someone's love for me
It scares me to no end how easily the words flow when I think of you
I'm tempted to not write about you
Only because of the past
How they all fell in love with the words that dripped down from my mouth
Endlessly then all at once almost like a rose blossoming
I wrote for so many people
Only to have them turn right around and hurt me deeply
Making me delete the poems and poetry
I guess I'm terrified of that happening with us
I don't want it to
I love writing about you but I also realize that
I'm not about to make someone a home to come home to
If that makes sense
I've done that with numerous people only to be
the one who's left in the dark
Because what people don't tell you is
when you try and make a house out of a person
It can start off as loving, beautiful, thriving
But over time the idea and how the person
might view you will change over time
No one announces these things of course
But unfortunately when a person decides to
throw in the towel without a reason or stop loving you
It comes as a shock and then the idea of having that one person who you consider to be your house so to speak
One to come home to when things get too much or a person who you love so intensely it even catches you off guard
It all fades away
After they stop loving you
Reasons why I'm scared to love you so intensely and the way I'm trying to force myself
to love someone like I did before with the gestures
But it'll take a little while for me to even consider showering you with crafts
Only because if it mysteriously crumbles
I don't wanna have to look at damage control
I'm sorry baby you'll have to prove that
you'll stay first and won't abandon me
Like the others, before you did
my love is too much sometimes
at times it can be overflowing
people have come and gone in my life
at first I thought maybe I loved them too hard
or the way I love in general is too much
should I change the way I love people
love a little less
withdraw my affection
but then I realized that if I do that it will end up confusing everyone
after all everyone knows that I’m an affectionate person
I go above and beyond
little gestures that I do
to make them happy
but why would I embrace a foreign feeling
just because people distance themselves from it
to make that person happy
it would be changing the way I love completely
and if we’re being honest with each other
I’m used to loving too much
so I’ll continue loving people too much
my love might be too much for some people
but I know one day it will be just enough for someone
that’s why I won’t change the way I love a person
dew drops in the spring
the sun is shining
I'm running towards my mom even though the time has come for me to say goodbye for graduation
I try to focus on the day that is graduation
But everything is a blur
I zone out until my name is called
I walk across the field
feeling proud, accomplished
But I can't help but cry
as I try and not trip on my small gown
I spot you in the crowd
All I can think of at that moment is the memories that we've created
and the way we're all huddled up
I cry one because I'm leaving the group behind
making my way in this word
still a newbie at heart
learning through trial and error
But know this
no matter where I go in life
I'll always treasure you and the memories that we made
my senior year
Written for a dear friend of mine
— The End —