It hits me mostly when I let the quietness in for too long.
the way I’m trying to distract myself from this heartbreak but it only works for so long until I’m forced back into the reality that is no longer us anymore
I wanted it so badly to work out between us.
I yearned for it all to be a dream almost like a cruel joke that someone had played on me.
I knew it wasn’t when I kept crying for nights on end.
I feel like my heart has harden because this heartbreak.
I’m trying to have energy when it comes to doing the things I enjoy.
But it seems like my emotional level/energy level is stuck at 1%
My emotional level as far as vulnerability goes is turned to ashes, destroyed and tired
Mostly worn and tired, though
Love isn’t supposed to have me crying.
Love isn’t being led on.
but most importantly it isn’t being caught up in your words oh wait
I already was from start to finish.
The I love you's  and I love you forever in French.
Who knew forever in your eyes meant temporary.
not forever
oh the dreams of moving in with you
that’s what stings the most about this whole entire ordeal
and toss in the fact that I might  still have feelings for you even though you hurt me.

9:37PM
2/13/18
13
I think it's my unlucky number.
A number that has only brought me pain, sadness and anger
Before you write this off as everyone has unlucky numbers
What's so different about your case that your trying to present
Let me explain.
You see I've noticed a pattern throughout the months.
it seems that every time the number 13 rolls around.
No matter what the starting number is date wise
Irrelevant  is the first number.
But if it ends with 13
Oh no rolls off my tongue so naturally
Because the first time 13 rolled around
It was lucky for a while.
But then just like milk when it sours
It ran it's course.
The pain I was left with hurt me was
deeper than I could write about.
The second time I thought oh it's a coincidence
I was utterly hopelessly wrong.
It seemed like the number 13
was like a wasp stinging
Never stopping until the pain was a numbing type of pain.
One you'd want to escape from
I'm skipping a few 3 and 4ths just to say.
It completely slipped my mind.
On why I have my reasons that I hate 13 date wise
No matter the time
Or the year
It's like a reminder that you don't wanna face.
But this time has got me afraid and scared
That the number 13 will prevail
I'll end up hurting way worse than what happened before
The way the cards are playing out
makes my anxiety go way past the roof or the stars
Because this is how I got hurt the last time around
I was an experiment.
It hurt to know I was used.
But I managed to suppress it
Then later on realized my worth and walked away
Now fast forward a couple of months.
And it seems that oh familiar fear has returned.
It never truly left but was suppressed.
The fear is simply being left and lead on.
disregarding my feelings
The reason why I hate 13 is simple
bad memories mixed in with hurting

I know it may sting at first
After all, it took a long time for me to leave you
Even though I wasn't involved with you on a physical level
Emotionally that was a different story.
The way I kept holding onto you resembled a vine that was in tangled with itself
Mixed with red roses
In addition to the feeling of trying to let you go
When I attempted to time and time again
It proved to be nothing and no use as one would say.
I did try to detach from you.
I tried and tried.
Until the roses poked me
Endlessly with the thorns
So then I gave up
Let the thorns stay.
And questioned why it was so hard to let go
Maybe that's when the roses fell off me & the thorns took a long time to dissolve into the truth that is our past.
But when I'm healed, I know you'll be tempted to find me again and love me in the only way you know how.
Soft at first then making me question why I left you
But I already know my answer.
If you didn't realize what you had in the first place

Then don't question why I hold you at arm's length.
I'm the girl who you lose in your life to make you realize what you had and that you should've cherished the first time around rather than finally realizing it after I've already left you.
- The one who leaves

2/2/18
I used to be full of energy.
Vibrant
always opens the door to vulnerability
And at one point I was so willing to let people in
But then my past happened
Left wounds that will never heal
Sometimes I'll be unresponsive and distant emotionally.
Certain points I'll try not to show
How my past still affects me
I don't push you away because I don't love you.
I push you away out of habit.
The one's who promised not to leave
Once they saw my past.
lied and left me emotionless and jaded

The angry fire that is within me
I'm trying to quieten it down
But it's no use
I knew I was hurting when music couldn't ease my pain today
And it felt surreal almost like the clouds kept looming over my head
It felt like I was dragging myself along
I promise I was paying attention if the teacher asks around wondering if I was paying attention
But at the same time not a day before we had a powerpoint
going into a little bit of detail about the signs of depression and the symptoms of mental disorders as well as emotional
When it got to one slide
All I could think was you don't have to go on and on about the signs of one thing
Trust me my life experiences can vouch for me
I know more about this subject than I ever wanted to know in the first place  
All I could think was I'm drained and tired emotionally from this
I needed a distraction so I settled for drawing
When in reality I thought I know heartbreak all too well
sure enough, I didn't show the signs of sadness when it was spoken out loud the signs
My friends know the truth
Teachers don't
As if I'm going to open up to one of them and tell them a sob story of how I am heartbroken  once again
I know they are there to comfort other people in times of need
Hurting etc.
But I rather let no one know about my heartbreak
except for my inner circle and that's it