I'm better off alone.
Clique I know, but true to be.

I hurt when people are around.
I'm nowhere to be found.
My personality fades.
It comes in waves.
I forget who I'm supposed to be.
I'm chained, by myself, I'm free.

When I'm alone,
I get in the zone.
I know how I feel.
I know I am real.

When there's people here.
I steer clear, of letting them disappear.
I let my feelings go,
my true personality doesn't show.

I don't know why, maybe it's because deep down,
I don't think anyone
Would accept me for this.

My heart beats,
My heart rests.
My Arteries gush, my veins flow.
The blood through and through.
My body. It keeps me alive.

My heart is heavy, my brain is light.
I smile a tear in my eye, tight chest light breath.
A warmth buries me deep in comfort.
Music confines my thoughts.

I sink into the feelings as I float through the thoughts.
All is nigh. Yet the future so far away.
I grasp it in desperation, yet I await in anticipation.
What is too come can only be known to those who have already been.
There is no way to know, yet we already do.

It's like an ache.
Or a burning. All through my chest.
Teeth clenched. Muscles tight. Brain awake.
The thoughts are brimming, at the top of my mouth.
A metallic taste, the taste of blood.
Eyes narrow, brows furrowed, Nose crinkled.
This is the emotions we aren't allowed to show.

Alone in my room, music loud.
A beastly noise, my throat howled.
A scream creeping from my lungs.
The soft sound of the air slung,
From my lips sweet and soft.
A cackling growing from a cough,
deep within the darkest part of my soul.
It's just another part of being human,
of being whole.

It's been a while,
Since i drunk so much.
These days, my drug is just the smile,
I lay down, it's my new crutch.

I miss the days, that were softly red,
I miss the feeling of wanting dead.
My life is sore, but not so much more.

I wish, I wish I knew where to go.
Just sit in my calm place now, meadow.
It was all a lie, I told myself.
Instead, I put it on a higher shelf.

Do these feelings last?
Or do they simply pass.
I'm asking, not enquiring
something something requiring,
some strength and love,
is not enough, especially from above.

Was I always destined,
To be your friend or be your foe?
I do wish to answer, however, although....
I dont know, what to think no more.
I feel empty not just sore.


I feel like I've lost myself,
I ask for help I asked for help I ask for...
No more than the ordinary person.
Why can't I write how I used to?
Why can't I write only in pain.
Why can't I write when I'm feeling sane.
What is this curse?
What is this verse,
could it be any worse?
I feel so numb,
Down to my thumb.
I feel like I've lost my brain.

I feel so alone,
Yet I feel not alone.
I feel like I've lost again.

2AM. Anxiety rings
Insomnia with it, it brings
I wish to sleep, close my beaten
Eyes. My thoughts quieten, Retreat in
To the place where I no longer have to think
All the experiences of today and my past interlink
My subconscious taking over with pictures they slink
down into dreamworld I hope I'd go This time I think
But unfortunately, That's not the way it is.
So I lie awake in my bed.
Thoughts
Rushing
around
in my
head
inst
ea
d

I love you softly like
I love the delicate wind on a hot summers day,
The refreshing swirl of a breeze in the summer sun.

I love you softly like I love the autumn.
The leaves changing, melting into the trees.
The golden tone, matching the evening sunset.

I love you softly like I love a motorbike ride.
Sitting, my legs on the side.
The wind rushing through my hair.

I love you softly, like a gazing stare.
With a stranger I'm yearning to know more about.
A refreshing drop of rain in a desert draught.

I love you softly, and I need not more.
My heart is still a little sore,
From past loves whose storm riled up inside me, exasperated from the fire.
With pure lust, intent and desire.
It burnt me. And I them. And it was not what I wanted.
Sparks flying, destroying all that was there.
And in my eyes, the hate, the long wait, of wanting something more.

I have been in pain, I have felt the brutality that love can amass.
As I fear it will not last.
Waiting to be destroyed from the inside out.
Screaming inside, wanting to shout.

But here I am, calm as I can be,
Sitting under a tree,
With a breeze with no freeze.
Smiling in the summer sun,
protected by the shade.
Not wanting to fade,
From this dreadful world,
Which has become a little better since I met you.

I love you softly and there's not much more I wish to do.

I'm aware.
Just sitting here.
Aware of the sounds of the sweet music, like a nectar in my ear, awakening every cell in my brain.
I'm aware of the soft blanket touching my bed.

Oh how long have I been asleep for, before awakening into this life.
For I have been lost for so long.
It's been a dream state. I've been a dream state for so long. But I don't want to anymore.

I want to awaken and smell the flowers. To feel the gentle touch of this life. Of the reality that I am born into to understand the depth of the life I have been so gracefully granted. To hear the children laugh and to see the kittens play.

For I have been in such a long slumber,  the time before I did not understand, I did not see, just floating in a dreamworld so preoccupied and unaware.

But now... Now I am aware, Now I am alive more so than I was before. I live and breathe with ever ounce of my being. No more doubt no more resistance or hesitance, no, now I breathe. I breathe the air that I have been given. I breathe.

How can I sit waiting for someone I know wont return?
The love I felt for you is gone, however, not the burn.
I used to wait, cry and yearn
To hold you in my arms and I in yours.
But now that's gone.

Oh, how I never wonder how it would be, if I were still with you
and you with me.
Still crying, waiting, would I be this blue?
I feel like half the person I did when when I was with you,
Yet I've grown to love myself too.

I don't cry often over you no more.
But my heart's, still sore,
When we said our goodbyes,
A kiss on my lips that never happened.
The soft good bye that was the day you left
I never wanted you to go, and I missed you so.

You still message me, every now and again.
I pretend it doesn't hurt, I lost you to the strain
Of distance between our bodies,
But never between our hearts.

How long can you love a person who isn't there?
How long does the pain stay?
How  long will I stay this blue?
Heartache, heartbreak. I thought I was over you.
How long will you affect me?
I don't wonder of our future. Yet I sit hear writing this poem... Why?

I see a darkness in you.
The same darkness I see in me.
I also see a ray of light,
Reflecting, shining, a brilliance not many people have.
I'm messed up, my head down the gutter.
And I run. I run from the hollowness and I run from the dark.
And I'll keep running until I'm shown the light shines from me.
You saw the light,
The light I could not see.
You showed me that I too have a light,
A light that refracts like a diamonds, shining colours and splitting, allowing others to see and feel the warmth.

Though I still see the darkness, though it only mimics what once was.
you have shown me a light that I can make shine bright.
You helped show me thatI am more than the hole which tears my heart apart.
You helped show me that I too can be brilliant and I too can shine like a bursting star.
I could destroy galaxies and planets and be something so destructive.
But instead, you turned me int a light that shines so bright I keep other planets alive.

You'll never see or understand how much you've done for me.
How much you've shared or how your kindness has brought meinto the light.

I was a destroyer
I thought I was the darkness
But you've shown me that I am better.
Now I am the light.
Now I can be brilliant.
I know what you've given me.
And I am so eternally grateful.

But the darkess still seeps in. It still stays.
It creeps in at night when I'm feeling low.
Sometimes i miss the dark because it was so easy.
But I hold onto the light because the light shines through the darkness.

Do you know me?
Do I know you?
What secrets do you embrace?

I have my pleasures,
My little treasures.
I wonder if I am the only one?

They're not to be hidden,
Nor are they forbidden.
They're just mine. My secrets.

For example,
Do you like to dance crazily with music loud?
Do you do art, paint, draw, create?
Do you go for a walk late at night?
Do you sit in your room and contemplate?
Or do you think about who would win, superman or batman?
Do you feel sad? Do you feel happy? Do you have a secret anger that burns you?
Or are people as plain as they look upfront?
What is it that you do that you hold dear, near and out of fear you keep inside?

I wonder. Am I the only one with secrets that no-one knows?
Why do I hold them so close? To make them feel like mine.
What am I afraid of, That if someone knew my secrets, they would no longer be secret?
Why does this make it feel special? If no-one knows about them?
If they were known, it would no longer be enjoyable.
Is it for the lack of judgement that I tell no soul I know?
Or is it to keep it mine and by sharing it, it is no longer mine to share?
Is it my secret and do you have any you want to contribute?
Then it will be our secret.

There's a man whose snoring next to me.
He's not my husband or my man.
But he is still there, snoring next to me.
Where did he come from, I wonder where.
He breathes in and out, soft sounds next to me.
The windows closed, he didn't come in through there.
Twitches his arm and leg right next to me
What a weird night, for a snoring man
To appear as I wake, just right next to me.
Bizarre!! Bizarre! I do say bizarre!
The sleeping man still next to me
Where do I go, what do I do?
With the snoring man right next to me.

Think positive thoughts.
It's easier said than done
Time takes its course
Developing, life has just begun.
There's so much life to live.
There's so much love to give.
So much hope to receive
So many words to believe.

So if you're feeling down,
put on your golden crown
Be the goddess you know you are
The big bright,  star
and shine.

Shine so bright, no-one can turn out your light.
Keep reaching for those golden gates
Nothing will bring you down, not the weights
Of the past or the present,
Appreciate being a convalescent
Recovering from hell
Was stuck in the swell
Now thriving, surviving and glowing.
Keep watering yourself, growing.

Keep on going, keep on going keep on going....

A song, a memory, is all it takes
To feel what I lost, not just you
But the losses of the past two years.

And now I loose my home too,
So much so little, so few
Places I have settled,
Found my place, and now I'm rattled.

How do I let go of the things that helped me move on?
Now, I say so long.
It's another chapter, but was I ready to close the last?
To the future, observe the present, remember the past.

It's a tale as old as time,
Like a fine wine that's aged.
Getting more bitter, rather than sweeter.

I look in the mirror. My reflections stares back at me.
The edges blur and fizzle, waiting to reveal, to see.
The face in the mirror resembles my face, only less clear.
Instead she looks at me, eyes wide with fear.
She snarls her nose, growls and hisses.
I look back, in time, she reminisces.
About the days we would share the same face.
About a time, we lived in the same place.

Now she shouts, WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I scream, she continues to haunt.
Why don't you like me? What's so wrong?
YOU ARE WEAK, I SHOULD BE STRONG.

I look away, count to three.
Ground my feet, think of me.
I am not weak.
I look at her again. I am NOT weak,
I say with a look so bleak.
YOU ARE she judges,
JUST LOOK AT YOU, she begrudges.

I bite my nail, look away again.
I try to hide the pain.
The girl in the reflection laughs and chortles
YOOU ARE FEEBLE, just like all mortals.

I AM NOT! I scream. I AM ME AND WHO ARE YOU TO SAY?
THAT I AM JUST SOMEBODIES PRAY?
But look at you, getting defensive against your own reflection
You could say it's merely a deflection,
Of your self worth
You might as well be a still birth.
You bring no value to this world.
She spits the words, lips curled.
I HATE YOU.
I HATE YOU TOO.
OH BOOHOO POOR ME POOR YOU.

I collapse on the floor,
I can't take much more.
What will the next face bring?
I rise from the abyss,
I can barely withstand this.

The next face is kinder.
Another meek body behind her.
Who are you?
I ask askew.
I am you, and you are me.
Let me show you what I can see.
I see a person whose been through a lot.
Every-time they get back up, down they are shot.

I nod cautiously, is this a trick?
Quickly she'll be coming back, I'll be quick.
There's many faces that you can see,
Be it you, us or me.
I understand the torture you hold inside,
Let it go, be free, we want to take your side.
But how? I cry, tears falling of my cheek.
Keep going slowly, week, by week.
I nod slowly, I cry a lot more.
My arms are shaking my throat is sore.
I can't keep fighting, the monster in my mirror.
Every day she keeps coming nearer.

That's okay, you will see.
One of these days you will be me.
And the little girl hiding behind you?
It's another face of you know who.
I shakily nod, and enquire,
Why she's hiding, as if about to transpire.
She's hiding from the face in the mirror.
Just like you, it's becoming clearer.
We don't like what we can see.
I don't like it anymore please believe me.
I know, I know, my reflection says.
But please let it be just a haze.
The girl in the mirror stood before you.
You can choose what she does do.
It's a hard rope to walk, and I walk it well.
I know it's hard, for you to tell,
But you have a choice, a voice, a speech and sound.
It's hard when she's screaming, I feel drowned.
Shush now, it will be alright.
I can't keep fighting this ****** fight.
I feel so tired, exhausted and spent.
I know, I'm sorry but it's time we both went.

I stare at my reflection. She stares back at me.
Eyes brown, hair soft, no expression to see.
She doesn't blink. I don't too.
We are now the only two.
Blankly looking out at me.
Wishing that we both were free.
Who are you? I mouth at her,
She copies me with silence despair.
I don't know and **** my head.
She does too, heavy as lead.
I'm so drained, she echoes my words.
Is she mocking me, like mocking birds.
She scrunches her nose, as do I.
We nod to each other and say good bye.

I avoid the mirror the next day or two.
Hiding from the reflection, keeping out of view.

So here I sit,
The near dead of night,
The cicadas calling to each other softly,
A muffled car softly buzzing past, the fence holding back the sound,
Off the rumbling engine and tyres on the ground.

It feels like a storm is stirring,
60 Days no rain, but a drizzle that hit today,
The wind slowly sweeps it's fine fingers across the dreary leaves,
Caressing them in a dehydrated slumber, willing them to keep living just one more day.

So I sit here, listening to all the sounds but avoiding the thoughts in my head.
I don't really know where I find myself today.
In-between a restless sleep and a tiresome day dream.
My head still swarms with thoughts of yesterdays past, and tomorrows new beginnings.
It's a feeling of stalemate, between two champion chess players.
Both feeling the frustration that neither will win.
But for me, I just wait, my head slightly sore with not knowing what to do, what new challenge will next come through the door?
What even do I think, feel or show?
That's the problem, I don't know.

My heart is broken from a relationship breakdown,
Disappointed that he was not the man I thought he was.
Yet an old love stays by my side who I have longed for, for so long.
How can one be happy yet not? It's a feeling I have struggled with for so long.
I feel so alone in my words. No-one can possibly understand how it is that I am feeling, So I speak to no-one of the thoughts in my head.
Instead, I just smile and say that I'm doing just fine for a while.
These thoughts, feelings, things I'm dealing with are mine, and I just need time.
I wish there was someone I could talk to,
And I do indeed miss you.
But you lied, the fire in my heart died, you aren't the man I thought you where.
It's sad to say, for the dishonesty you have to pay and to this day, I will never trust you again.
So this leaves me feeling blue, disheartened but not defeated.

When there's so much to talk about where does a person start without the tears tricking down their face,
All I want to do is cry, but that wont help, not right now, not in this place.
The rain hasn't come yet, and the storm is still brewing.
So instead I stay sitting, typing this poem, listening to the cicadas call to their mate, finding a partner to carry on with their fate.

All of this pain, all of this misery
Coming from my history.
From my future, from my past
When will this feeling end, why does it last?
I ask askew, a tiny few.
Not many people hear me wonder,
Why this life, I've been under
has approached me so....

I often questions, Whether there's a reason,
That I've been thrown here, midseason,
With the world turning to crap.

How does it feel to feel nothing?
Like a rock at the bottom of a stream. It's just there the river running past bumping it every now and again.
How does it feel to feel nothing?
It feels as a winters day, snow on the floor, sun shining, clouds aloof with mischievous grins, leading on the children for just a little more snow so they don't have to go to school. But there's a tree, in the woods, no leaves, no-one to admire it's  none existent beauty. Instead it stands there half dead, rotting.
How does it feel to feel nothing?
It doesn't

Waiting
My head is swarming with thoughts of life,
A deepening Sadness, sharp like a blunt knife.
The realisation hits strong and hard,
Forcing it’s way through like a Diamond shard.

No-one Cares, Loves or Knows
It’s so Obvious They’re oblivious and it shows,
You have no Scars or Blood on your skin,
Though you’ve stopped eating, your bones growing Thin.

No-one Dares to notice, the fake behind your smile.
hold it there, you can fake it for a while.
When you think for a second you’ve finally been Caught.
Don’t even worry, it hasn’t Even been thought.

Everyone is too Busy to notice You.
as You’re falling in, Drowning in deep dark Blue.
You struggle, and Fall into the hole,
Panicking, Screaming, scared. You lost your Soul.

You can’t do anything but smile and grin
This horrifying dreamland that’s roped you in.
The Laughing and Cackling lays you No Harm,
Inside you’re Withering, with your exterior calm.

The monsters have taken over your body and Mind
but the Worst part of this, I think you will find.
Is No-One cares, noticed or flinched.
When you’re still waiting as your humanities been pinched.