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Eve K Aug 15
I'm better off alone.
Clique I know, but true to be.

I hurt when people are around.
I'm nowhere to be found.
My personality fades.
It comes in waves.
I forget who I'm supposed to be.
I'm chained, by myself, I'm free.

When I'm alone,
I get in the zone.
I know how I feel.
I know I am real.

When there's people here.
I steer clear, of letting them disappear.
I let my feelings go,
my true personality doesn't show.

I don't know why, maybe it's because deep down,
I don't think anyone
Would accept me for this.
Eve K Aug 14
One... Two... Three...
A burnt beard, cigarette in hand.... Snooze....
Four... Five... Six....
Things get hazy, a little confuse....
seven... eight...nine.....
The sense of fear, anxiety is lifted.....
This drink, this elixir, I've been gifted.....
Ten...eleven... Twelve.....
Nothing makes sense any longer....
Nothing could be wronger....
Stuttering... falling... can't remember....
The distance isn't here....
Thirteen. Fourteen. Fifteen
It doesn't matter any more.
Your brain isn't like it was before.
Doesn't matter, Can't feel. Don't even know if I ever was real.
Keep throwin back the magic elixir,
Not knowing it, no more liqour...

fifteen.. fourteen... thirteen...
darkness is starting to seep in
feeling the consciousness at the back, its sin.

Twelve... Eleven... Ten....
Looking around, noticing the little things
the uneasiness it brings...

Nine... eight... seven....
Things are clearer...
Sobriety creeping nearer.

Six.... Five... Four...
Palms sweaty; Heart racing; Eyes wide; frantic searching; Body purging; Blood pressure dropping; head swarming...

Three... two....One...
You're gone......
Eve K Sep 2020
It's been a while,
Since i drunk so much.
These days, my drug is just the smile,
I lay down, it's my new crutch.

I miss the days, that were softly red,
I miss the feeling of wanting dead.
My life is sore, but not so much more.

I wish, I wish I knew where to go.
Just sit in my calm place now, meadow.
It was all a lie, I told myself.
Instead, I put it on a higher shelf.

Do these feelings last?
Or do they simply pass.
I'm asking, not enquiring
something something requiring,
some strength and love,
is not enough, especially from above.

Was I always destined,
To be your friend or be your foe?
I do wish to answer, however, although....
I dont know, what to think no more.
I feel empty not just sore.

I feel like I've lost myself,
I ask for help I asked for help I ask for...
No more than the ordinary person.
Why can't I write how I used to?
Why can't I write only in pain.
Why can't I write when I'm feeling sane.
What is this curse?
What is this verse,
could it be any worse?
I feel so numb,
Down to my thumb.
I feel like I've lost my brain.

I feel so alone,
Yet I feel not alone.
I feel like I've lost again.
Eve K Sep 2020
All of this pain, all of this misery
Coming from my history.
From my future, from my past
When will this feeling end, why does it last?
I ask askew, a tiny few.
Not many people hear me wonder,
Why this life, I've been under
has approached me so....

I often questions, Whether there's a reason,
That I've been thrown here, midseason,
With the world turning to crap.
Eve K Aug 2020
There's a man whose snoring next to me.
He's not my husband or my man.
But he is still there, snoring next to me.
Where did he come from, I wonder where.
He breathes in and out, soft sounds next to me.
The windows closed, he didn't come in through there.
Twitches his arm and leg right next to me
What a weird night, for a snoring man
To appear as I wake, just right next to me.
Bizarre!! Bizarre! I do say bizarre!
The sleeping man still next to me
Where do I go, what do I do?
With the snoring man right next to me.
Eve K Aug 2020
2AM. Anxiety rings
Insomnia with it, it brings
I wish to sleep, close my beaten
Eyes. My thoughts quieten, Retreat in
To the place where I no longer have to think
All the experiences of today and my past interlink
My subconscious taking over with pictures they slink
down into dreamworld I hope I'd go This time I think
But unfortunately, That's not the way it is.
So I lie awake in my bed.
in my
This is getting ridiculous.... This is the 4th night in the row where I can't sleep...... 4th night in a row of 3 hours sleep... I just... want some unassisted sleep please....
Eve K Aug 2020
Pills on the table. Fallen over. Not up straight.
A glass of water, half full... or is it half empty?
Lying in bed, my chest aches, the weight
of the ****, of the fear of the....

Where do I go from here?
Feel sick, that twisted stomach, gut up in throat,
Knowing that there's something to say, something to hear,
Wanting to speak out, wanting to say wanting to....

Deep breathe, 1...2...3...1...2...
Can't get to three, minds wanderin'
again and again and again and....

Why do we find ourself here again... and... again... and again....
Stop. Breathe. Listen. Stop breathe listen stopbreathlisten sopibrethisten.....

Calm... calm... calm....
I can't I cant' Why can't I?
It's too much and I can't. I beg of you, I say I can't........

Where did my mind go today?
Where didn't my mind go today?
Why did my mind go today?
When will it come back?

It's easy, just think. Remember. The worst is over...
but why does this seem worse?
Why does this seem more difficult?

Is it because it's someone I loved?
Because it's someone who I thought loved me... for a time?
Is it because it happened under my nose, I didn't realise?
Is it because it's so insidious and the fear that stays in my chest, that's keeping me awake at night is real and I feel that I know the answer, the truth but I fear it?
(Or is it because it wasn't the only time?)

Let me let you in on a secret, the clowns that laugh in my head.
Yes... That laugh the eyes that float around.
The little girl singing those horror songs. Quiet but loud, the laughing,
The shouting,
The screaming,
The screaming,
It's not real. Or is it? No, I'm sure it's not!!!
It's definitely not, at leastI can tell the difference between whats real and what not real. Right. Thats what matters right? Thats what matters right? Thats what......
At least the **** doesn't affect me.
I don't know where I am. I feel like I'm going insane. I don't like this feeling. But I get I am triggered. I guess I am activated... But how do I leave this? Oh I do wish it would stop
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