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Aug 2020
Pills on the table. Fallen over. Not up straight.
A glass of water, half full... or is it half empty?
Lying in bed, my chest aches, the weight
of the ****, of the fear of the....

Where do I go from here?
Feel sick, that twisted stomach, gut up in throat,
Knowing that there's something to say, something to hear,
Wanting to speak out, wanting to say wanting to....

Deep breathe, 1...2...3...1...2...
Can't get to three, minds wanderin'
again and again and again and....

Why do we find ourself here again... and... again... and again....
Stop. Breathe. Listen. Stop breathe listen stopbreathlisten sopibrethisten.....

Calm... calm... calm....
I can't I cant' Why can't I?
It's too much and I can't. I beg of you, I say I can't........

Where did my mind go today?
Where didn't my mind go today?
Why did my mind go today?
When will it come back?

It's easy, just think. Remember. The worst is over...
but why does this seem worse?
Why does this seem more difficult?

Is it because it's someone I loved?
Because it's someone who I thought loved me... for a time?
Is it because it happened under my nose, I didn't realise?
Is it because it's so insidious and the fear that stays in my chest, that's keeping me awake at night is real and I feel that I know the answer, the truth but I fear it?
(Or is it because it wasn't the only time?)

Let me let you in on a secret, the clowns that laugh in my head.
Yes... That laugh the eyes that float around.
The little girl singing those horror songs. Quiet but loud, the laughing,
The shouting,
The screaming,
The screaming,
THE SCREAMING....
It's not real. Or is it? No, I'm sure it's not!!!
It's definitely not, at leastI can tell the difference between whats real and what not real. Right. Thats what matters right? Thats what matters right? Thats what......
At least the **** doesn't affect me.
I don't know where I am. I feel like I'm going insane. I don't like this feeling. But I get I am triggered. I guess I am activated... But how do I leave this? Oh I do wish it would stop
Written by
Eve K  25/F/New Zealand
(25/F/New Zealand)   
652
 
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