☾☽
I was red,
I was ******,
fear and desperation

drove me to self hatred
and I hid from the world
and loathed the high expectations

"You should be perfect
like the stars in the sky
not lost and broken

like a cracking china doll
you should be gold
and shining

so paint over the red
replace it with white
the same pale as a pill

a bottle filled to the brim
with many a fix
but once you're fixed

It's hard to learn
how to feel again
cause if you're perfect like the stars

why feel anything anymore?
☾☽
e m p t y
· *   .  ˚    .
I no longer feel
· *   .  ˚    . the pen in my hand
the itch in my fingers · *   .  ˚    .
Has slipped through my grasp
⋆ * . ✵ +   · *   .  ˚    .   . * ✧
Why has my heart
my soul
stopped speaking to me
· *   .  ˚    . I guess you could say
I've lost all my feeling · *   .  ˚    .
✺  . . ✫  * ✵ .  ˚    · ✵
I've gone blind
· *   .  ˚    . while still seeing
devoid of touch · *   .  ˚    .
✫  ✦ ✵   ✦ . ·         ✵   . ✧✵ *     
perpetually reaching
· *   .  ˚    . for something
for anything · *   .  ˚    .
. · *   .  ˚    .              ✫         · .       ✧ ⋆  
· *   .  ˚    . to let me
feel again · *   .  ˚    .
· *   .  ˚    .Is that star looking at me?
Or is it avoiding me? · *   .  ˚    .
(Heize – Star)
You see the slump in my shoulders
the way I carry myself
the burdens of boulders
that threaten my health.

When you ask what's wrong
I pull up my guard
don't want your pity or sad song
won't tell you why life's hard.

So if you want to know
I'll bottle it inside
wrap up all remains in a black bow
and tell you I'm fine.
just because the star-
fish can grow its arms back does
not mean it didn't hurt.
______________

even though scars heal
and wounds fade it doesn't mean I
will forget the pain.
haiku.
I told her to breathe
but she refused to listen.
Reminds me of me.
It just hurts.
To breathe
To move
To talk
To exist
To live.
There’s no motivation to move on.
To let go.
To live.
I’ve lost my way and
Ultimately, I’ve lost myself.
I don’t know who I am.
I feel as if I’m no longer worthy of living.
No longer worth waiting.
No longer worth anything.
I hate all who I am.
And I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for not being able.
Not being good enough.
Not being enough.
Or even good.
I tell everyone that
I’m good.
But I can’t do this anymore.
I can’t do this.
I’m losing it.
I’m losing my mind.
I’m losing myself.
I’m losing everything.
And honestly,
I’m just exhausted.
I’m just tired of failing.
And falling.
And faking everything.
I just want one person to just sit down.
And ask me how I truly am.
To look into my eyes, and be honest.
I just want to go out in the open, and…
SCREAM.
It’s like I’m being burdened with more and more weight everyday.
Every single day is like another layer of pain.
Another layer of hate and anger.
Sadness and grief.
Regret and rejection.
I can’t.
I can’t do this.
It hurts to see people happy.
To see people laughing.
It hurts to see people gathered together.
Unaware.
Of the subtle things.
Of the truth behind masks.
Of the brokenness of this world.
Of the brokenness of the people around them.
And it hurts.
It’s like being left on the side of the road
With a knife down your throat.
Because they all just want to be reassured.
Whether or not there’s a cure,
They don’t care.
Who cares, right?
I remember when I was little
I would love the sun
I looked at it every day
and my sister always said
I would cry when it went away
and when I would cry
my dad,
he would just sit by me
and tell me about the moon
and the stars
and he would smile
then one night
I remember asking
if he would go
like the sun did,
so he promised,
that as long the sun was in the sky
he would stay,
and the sun never left,
and my dad was still around,
but rain comes,
and no matter how you prepare,
no matter if you know ahead of time,
rain still falls,
and the sun goes away
and so did my dad,
but the sun came back
and he did not.
Is there anything that shines as much as you?
What if you can’t hear my song
Because you’re too far away?
What I’m looking at
Is that you?
(Heize – Star)
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