Cold hands warm heart they say.
Always clutching cold hands on warm nights;
being together yet feeling alone;
aroused, stimulated, distracted, absent-minded,
lost, perplexed,
all at the same time as focused,
like steel blades and the precision of knives.
You know what this is.
But you can’t ever outrun its fingers.
Can’t pull your throat out from under a choking hold.

Hiding is like allowing the wolf to catch your scent;
fighting is like battling a wave;
accepting is like russian roulette.
Are you daring enough to play?

‘Why are you crying over that?’
People said to me
in scolding tones and glacier eyes.

I can’t be this vulnerable; it’s spiky
and stinging and
rolling over hurdles backward.
Condense, squeeze it down so
you don’t have to swallow too hard.

Emotional vulnerability is feeling all those
spikes of emotions, all those acute,
mount everest’s climbed without warm clothes
allowing them to hit you full in the face,
being driven under the pull of a wave.

We feel these rides of our lives,
micro moments in days of episodes.
There is nothing like intimacy to completely throw you
off everything;
the superficial cover to fill out the empty spot.

We roll onwards in our spirals;
our cycles and roundabouts of fear and self-pity;
contempt follows us whilst
dusty, aged hope drives us.
I know my triggers.
I know the cycle I feed, I bleed into,
I run chased by myself,
branching into more cycles,
looping on each other in
disgusting order;
concentric whirls,
at alarming speed,
facing walled obstacles,
tackling nightmares hands bound up
waiting to see if someone can pull you up and out
or make you draw
the ugly patterns
of your own mind games
out in circles, broken lines
and scratches.

I was emotionally abandoned.
In a realm of angry, biting storms and
numbing head spins.
Knocked around by severe internal seasons,
wearing sweaters under hot sun,
or drowning in half-shirts under icy rain,
I can keep it away.
Don’t look.
Suppress.
Bite down on something hard
before you scream.

And then they burst in bright beautiful sparks;
feeling swept in delicious tastes,
explosive episodes,
rapturous warmth and synchronised heartbeats.
Painful glows and inspiring tornadoes;
destruction and recreation,
a chaotic peace and warm sweats,
stinging burns and hot tears
mixed with not-so-equal parts
of silken nights and glorious
wakeful dreaming.

'Of course you may hurt, of course you may cry.
Of course you can sing and laugh and ache, anything
you want to try.'

And this is why we feel.
Why we need to feel.
Why we love the slow smoulder of being caught up.
Caught up in emotions and their separate rides;
shifting speeds and tracks each new time
they crawl to our surface again.
Holding back is wasting precious passions;
it’s exhaustion you crave when everything else is
flat, blank, rigorous rigid routine and ripping open
empty boxes.

So you say I always have cold hands.
Cold hands warm heart they say.
This is the reason I love you.
This is the reason I wait for you,
to realise you love me too.
This is the reason I can only
hope
you make the right choice.
Not for me, for them, for anyone.
For you.
I don’t have a say anymore.
I never did.
I can’t speak, or help, or keep you warm anymore.
I can’t be your escapism.
I can’t be crack, dope, speed or any of your illicit nonsense.
I can’t be your forbidden fruit
in your late night feast;
creeping around, undercover lover,
giving you pleasure and happiness and smiles
locked under secrets and
silent words.
I’ll seethe and brood
underneath you, caged in the dark
shadow of your body
dreaming up it’s presence before I fall to sleep.

Cold hands warm heart they say.
Fuel my fire.
Keep my hands cold.

Our hearts fit perfectly
Like wooden puzzle pieces
Cut from the same tree
Both have the same sadness,
Both share the same joy

Intertwined from birth,
Only but the two of us
The transliteration of our pulses
Forms the fixation of our beings;
The communication of our synapses
Pulls each other's heartstrings

No one else can feel,
Only but the two of us
The intangible connection
Between two worlds;
The eponymous heartbeats
Of our tethered hearts

May the world be my enemy,
And its chaos my sanctuary
But I'll never trade the times
For a hundred billion dimes

And if one day I lose you;
I'll borrow from the future
And lend to the past
Just to see you near me
Darling so dear; holding so fast

**iamthe_avatar ©2015

50 million heartbeats ago you were my reason to live...we fell in love. We shared our precious moments together. Then you saw me cry for the first time...we lost all hope. Then we let go...we must have given up.
50 million heartbeats ago I saw the world through you. But now, I see it through me. Now we grew up. We let go of that love which choked us.
❤

Umpisa pa lamang
Alam ko nang gusto kita
Nakita ka pa lamang
Atensyon ko'y nadukot mo na

(From the beginning
I knew I like you
The moment I saw you
You already captured my attention)

Paghawak ng iyong kamay
Pintig ng damdamin ay bumilis
Mga emosyong itinago nuon
Pilit nagpaparamdam muli ngayon

(When I held your hands
Heartbeats in overdrive
Buried emotions in the past
Making themselves felt in the present)

Sa pagpungay ng mga mata
Ako unti-unting nabibighani
At nung akapin sa'yong mga bisig
Tuluyan na kong nahulog

(The way your eyes look at me
Makes me intrigued by the second
And when you wrapped me in your arms
I completely fell, then and there)

Ngunit pag-sinta'y parang walang halaga
Sigla ng unang pagkikita'y unti-unting nawala
Di malaman at mawari ang mga dahilan
Na nang dahil sa nadarama ay pinipilit maintindihan

(But it seemed these feelings hold no value
The passion from our first meeting dwindling
I can't comprehend and identify the reasons why
But because of this love I feel, I still try)

Pilit tinitiis ang mga pighati
Kahit unti-unting nadudurog ang puso
Aanhin ang dignidad na patapon
Kung puso'y hindi marunong umibig

(Enduring the searing pain
Even if my heart is crushed
Setting aside my meaningless pride
If I don't know how to love right)

Siguro'y nagiging makasarili
Ngunit lahat ay binago at binigay
Lahat ay tinitiis damhin
Kahit na lungkot ay di mapawi

(Maybe I'm being selfish
But I changed and gave my everything
I endured all the ill feelings
Even if the loneliness doesn't go away)

Bakit hindi pa yun sapat?
Para ika'y sumugal sa akin?
Nangako ng pag-ibig na di magbabago
Kahit ang mundo natin ay tuluyang maglaho

(Why is it not enough?
For you to take a chance with me?
I promised you a constant, stable love
Even if our world crumbles to dust)

Naghihintay sa iyong pagbalik
Mula sa malayong dako kung san naroon
Ang puso **** labis nang nasasaktan
At takot nang umibig muli

(Waiting for your fateful return
From that far, hidden place where
Your broken and beaten heart is
That lost all hope in love)

Ialay ang pusong nagdurugo
Kapalit ng puso kong gusto kang mahalin
At nang lahat ng sakit ay aking akuin
At nang maibalik natin ang ngiting mailap

(Exchange with me your bleeding heart
With mine that anticipates to love yours
To share with me the burden of your pain
And bring back the elusive smile on your face)

Mahal kita umpisa pa lamang
Mamahalin kita kahit masakit
Lulunukin ang dangal at dignidad
Sa pagsusumamong ikaw ay maging akin

(I loved you from the very beginning
And I will love you still amidst the pain
I will swallow my pride and dignity
In this arduous quest to make you mine)

Sana matapos na ang ating paglalaro
Ang tagu-taguang walang patutunguhan
Panalangin kay Bathala sana'y marinig
Ang pusong nagsusumamo'y sana yakapin muli

(I pray for the little games to end soon
This hide-and-seek that seems meaningless
Dear God, hear my prayers and pleas
Of the heart that yearns be embraced again)

She had come like a cool breeze,
But left me longing with such ease.
She held a secret inside her heart,
But left me wondering about herself.

She was gorgeous per se with unfaithful eyes,
Unfaithful eyes.
She was gorgeous per se with unfaithful eyes,
Left saving her fringes from my probing eyes.
She had come like a cool breeze,
But left me longing with such ease.

At least tell me this much for my heartbeats,
Heartbeats.
At least tell me this much for my heartbeats,
Who she was that left after a demo of her love.
She had come like a cool breeze,
But left me longing with such ease.

On Monday we met, our eyes fixated on one another, eager to know more
On Tuesday we talked, twiddling our thumbs, fidgeting in our seats, pondering on the right things to say
On Wednesday we hugged, your arms held me close, heartbeats in sync, I felt myself floating
On Thursday we kissed, our lips gravitated towards each other, like the moon and the sea, the connection was natural
On Friday we confessed, three little words wrapped around our ears,
forever tattooed in our minds
On Saturday you disappeared, no note, no call, no text
not a trace of you left that I could still hold on to
On Sunday I cried, my heart still beats, but never the same way,
would you ever give me a reason if I ever asked "Why?"

...........all that you are............

  i
   am
    not

       ........except..........

      our
  
          .........heartbe­ats............



              Sally

              Copyright 2013
               Rosalia Rosario A. Bayan

Our eyes meet and a rush passes by
Our hands touch and I feel I could fly
We embrace and I feel the heat
We kiss and I forget to breath

So much to do in so little a time
I am so happy to call you mine
In your presence, my sky is alight
My soul is beautiful; my glow is bright

The isle, I walk down to you
Tears in my eyes from your love so true
Vows, a kiss, a tight embrace
Forever and on, my heart beats only for your grace