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jcl 3d
in the deepest part of ****, my demons taunt and tease, i have no weapon, nor will

it is dark, it is cold, there is no light, i have lost all hope

i have dreamt my last dream, there is no longer a reason for being, only futility

tears flow incessantly, the anguish to deep, no respite in wake or sleep, no place to hide

cruel is the moment, you realize the nightmare is when you wake, sleep is the **** with no escape

the pain is too great, an emotional causality of a soul destroyed, i am insane with pain

my safe harbor has burned, my sanctuary destroyed, i no longer have a bastion where i can feel no pain  

mother never stop loving me, i will be a good boy, a good son, your little prince, god, my lord, give her back to me… please.
Written April 21, 1998 as my mother lay dying on her bed of breast cancer
jcl 3d
night falls, winter is here, a cold wind blows, around me like a dervish, through me, enveloping me, stinging my eyes, drying out my heart

what is left but for me to die, to lay down, close my eyes, have one last dream before the end, the blackness swallowing me, the candle flickers, then dies, like my life, releasing my soul into the bluing sky

no regrets, just faded memories, of halcyon days, when i would look forward to spring, my eyes resting upon women, dancing, and laughing carefree

those days are far gone, my body aches, my mind tires, i am ready for the end, as beautiful as life was, the sweetness of honey on my tongue

the book has been read, the cover has been closed, I place it on the table, and close my eyes
inspired by violin and piano concerto cold wind by ludovico einaudi
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LNfclX38EHM
jcl Mar 16
Animals have an intuition about danger. Men have “gut feelings.”  I should have listen to mine.  The first time I saw her, I knew she was dangerous.  I could feel it, and it excited me.  She was a predator, a tigress, a seductress on the hunt.  A wild, untamable savage woman who destroyed men.  She would destroy me.  I saw it in her eyes the first time I saw her.  She was walking by with her girlfriends, laughing and giggling  She looked up, caught my gaze, and my world suddenly froze. A thousand feelings were expressed in blink of her eyes.  She told me I was prey.  She told me I would die. She smiled, releasing my gaze.  My world rushed back into focus with the abrupt harshness of a slap in the face.  I was sweating. I was afraid. I was excited as I  watched her disappear into the crowd. I was reeling, trying to conceive a way to approach her, to find a clever, witty one liner to distinguish myself from the rest.  I set my drink down. I couldn’t think of anything.  I was spent.
Written  May 13, 1998 Paris, France while sitting at a bistro
#43-2019.03.18
jcl Mar 16
i am tired of fighting, i am too old, i’ve seen too much

i am throwing down my weapon, i surrender, **** me if you must have blood

i don’t care anymore, i don’t remember what i am fighting for, i just want to go home.

put this war behind me, live to love, not to ****, not to die, for what purpose, for what god.

who will commemorate our battles, and those who have died just yesterday

who will remember our names, aspiration, dreams once we are dead

we are disposable, born to ****, then die, who cares, why care, we served your purpose

we are the pawns, expected to die for the greater good that we can not have

look at your lives, was it worth it, how do you honor Them, those who died, so you can live
#39-2019.03.18
jcl Mar 11
at what point in your life do you realize the futility of chasing the elusive

acknowledging all your past love stories are tragedies

stillborns, held briefly, remembered daily, for the rest of your life

to meet the paragon that matches your impossible list of requirements

the odds are against you, possible, just highly improbable

to find the unicorn on a merry-go-round of painted, wooden horses

mindlessly, repeating the cycle, searching for the one, in a universe of stars

how many times must you be pulverized in the online emotional meat grinder

craving the unconditional love, acknowledgment, validation of prince charming

to be kissed, caressed, cherished by the bad boy on the harley

romantic love is a dangerous illusion, a mirage in the desert, la fata morgana in your heart
#91-2019.03.18
jcl Feb 22
how confusing, to hate what you desire
fighting against nature, realizing the absurdity

i loved you, more than the others
feelings deepening, lives intertwining

i don’t understand, the sudden shift
why it become awkward, was it me

in the beginning, it was harmonious
your aggressiveness, evident, plain to see

i tried harder, but you receded
i felt it, you abandoned me

my hurt turned to anger, i started to dislike you
archetypal millennial girl, quintessential snowflake

love turned to hate, to contempt, finally boiled away
time passed, my heart healed

i become numb, indifferent
stop....,  i’m lying, to myself, to you
i’ll never stop loving you, mon petit minou
#140-2109-03-08
jcl Feb 16
this obsession that consumes and burns within me
is it love, true, unconditional, the kind in fairytales
or limerence, intoxicating, ephemeral, lasting only 900 days
the moment i pledge my highest love, i face my greatest fear

when i fall to sleep at night, you are my last thought
the first when i wake, then all day long
kiss me, sweetly, softly, eternally, promise never to stop

wrap me in your arms, hold me tight, like a scared child
show me your love, prove it to me over and over again
kiss me, on the lips, tenderly, so i can feel your pulse

whisper, in my ear, tell me the lies i want to hear
share with me, the secrets, deep in your soul
faint echoes fading in a wishing well

kiss my lips, my cheeks, ******* tears
undress my dear, bare your skin, your soul, let me see you whole
let me taste your tears, i promise never to leave

run your fingers through my hair, feel its softness, smell it’s sweetness
do you remember, when we first slept together
scared children, orphaned, hugging each other tight, all night

i need to feel you against me, your breath on my neck
your scent, enveloping, penetrating deep within me
hug me, cradle me, rock me gently into security
#281-2019.03.08
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