Giving you my heart is going to **** me.

I swear.
I have never been afraid of losing someone.

Yet here I am.
Worried I'm going to lose you before I even have you.

I know I last heard your voice 16 hours ago.
That I last saw you 24 hours back.
That I last kissed you 68 hours ago.

I know it hasn't been that long.
Well I know that ideally I am supposed to say that.

But I miss you.
And I always want to be around you.
I always want to kiss you.
I always want to hear you laugh.
To watch you smile and to watch your eyes sparkle whenever we spoke.

I want to be in your presence.

**** man.
I miss you

Never thought I would come back to this.
A part two never made sense.
Especially since I hoped that at some point we would be friends.
Didn't really think that things would end so tense.

I told myself that with you ego would ruin me.
That if I couldn't go to you, then there's none I'd confide.
If it wasn't you I could run to. Then I would always hide.

I thought that I would only see colour with you.
That our places, would belong to us only.
The vibrant colours would belong to us only.
Just like the song you wrote for me.
I truly believed that it belonged to us only.

Little did I know.
It was not my ego that would ruin me.
But yours.

You told me that this song was ours.
That it would keep the colours alive.
No matter what.

I know I told you that these places are not mine alone.
Not matter how much colour has drained from my eyes.
They remain beautiful to others.
I know what I said.

I just never thought you would be the one to drain them from everyone.
That you would forget me and change the narrative.

It was your heart on my sleeve.
It was my heart on yours.
It was our place.
Drained of colour to us but so bright to everyone.

But your ego chose to forget me.
Just like your heart decided to let go.

Who would have thought.
That it was not the poet that changed the narrative.
But the artist that really wanted a platinum on their creative.

**** man.
All along.
I thought that this would be our song.
That regardless of the pain we both experienced.
That this. No matter what would be ours.

My poems to you are yours.
But your songs to me are theirs.
Tell me that's fair.

The truth is.
I go by an easy process.
If you don't think about it.
Then its not real.

But here I am.
Inspired to write.
Solely because I am thinking about you.

Fin

I wondered if my love for you died.
Weird, I thought I would have fought for you, I thought I would have cried.
Instead everything felt hollow.
Not having any inspiration to write, its, not loving you. Its a hard pill to swallow.

Who am I if not for you poetry.

Prior to the trending song, I found solace in the lyrics.
At first, I can admit when I heard the song, I only thought
how Giveon's voice was rich, husky yet so gentle and velvety.

Man was I not wrong.
To believe that I could never relate to his words.
It took some time but I realised.
That for some reason, my heart can't evade you.

Now,
Before this sounds like a confession or anything.
Let's not take it that far, I'm not saying I love you the way I lvoed you then.
I'm not saying, I'm forgetting all the wrong you did to me,
I'm not letting the pain caused go.

But I can't say I don't not think about you.
It feels wrong but it feels right.


If my friends ever found out, I'd be dead by now.
And I understand why, but they wouldn't understand our why not.

I remember how, I wanted to see you, How I spoke it to the universe
Hoping that if I see you, I could have an answer to my what if's and
my why not you's. But at the same time, I didn't want to put that out,
I- No we have moved on by now.
We found people that are good for us.
We can't mess this up, I can't mess it up.

I wondered, If everything my heart yearned for was muscle memory.
I always did go out of my way to see you.
Whether you were mine or not.

"I can't say I love you no more, Because my friends gon judge me for sure"
"It took some time but I realised"
"You do me wrong and it feels nice"

BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE STUCK ON YOU.

Not sure how I feel about letting this out to the masses.
I could just bury this and not have to put myself in this predicament.
The more I hold it in, the more I endanger my mental health.
But, I don't know how to  feel about it.

I haven't really written in a long time,
I don't know if this is the correct way in which I can express myself.
Let alone know how to express.

I find myself in situations whereby I wish that I didn't have to cross a specific point.
I find myself heavily tired of being emotionally and mentally drained by my life just so I can learn and be stronger.
I find the process of life heavily tiring.

I'm probably coming off as suicidal.
I apologise to anyone that I trigger
It's just if  I don't voice it out, I might have to pull.
And I don't know if I am ready for that.
To be wholly lost and fully gone.

Lately I have been feeling a lot of pressure.
I've been carrying the weight of everything and everyone I treasure.
So much so, I don't properly know where I am headed.
Maybe towards the lights?
Because being strong shouldn't be something I have to be all the time.
I shouldn't be strong.
I can't handle it.

There's no proper flow to this, I wish there was but like my life everything is everywhere and messy and unorganized.
**** man, my twenties have me mortified.

I just wish.
I don't know.

But I just wish that I didn't have to learn life like this.

It's sure as hell winning because I can't anymore.
Why is everything so much.

For some months, my biggest worry was that writers block was going to engulf me.
Which ironically it did. And no one really understands how trough writers block is.
Because all you want to do is express yourself but you can't.
It's frustrating.

Spending all my nights waiting for inspiration to call me.
It being the only thing I want before I fall asleep.
It's daunting.
It's as haunting as all the demons that wrap themselves around me at night.
Telling me I'm no good, I'm no writer.
But you still fight, you disregard all those negatives.
Because I'm a poet, its my prerogative
Poetry is my one sedative.
Surly I should be able to write.

So here I am, listening to a song that brings a smile to my face
and all I can picture is you.
All I can feel is how you make my heart race.
It's wild but its as if you're a stronger safe space compared to what poetry used to be.
And oddly enough that eases my mindset,
It's as if my writer's block has been sent free.

"You're the only one I want by my side when I fall asleep"
Not necessarily to write about the many million things going on in my life.
I have you for that... well not only that.
But I have you who hears me louder than poetry.
I have you to listen and not criticise or overthink my words.
I have you to listen and understand what I'm solely trying to say.

"Tell me what I'm waiting for Tell me what I'm waiting for I know it's hard, but we need each other, Know it's hard, but we need each other"

Whenever I have inspiration, I tend to get excited.
And naturally knowing my flow, I grab what's here and there.
But take it easy with me.
I have all the words and I have to use them.
No matter how jumbled it is.
I just have to.

Spending all my nights thinking about you,
You're the only one I want by my side whenever anything happens
Waiting for that one moment, I can fully show the world that I am yours.

Spending all my nights waiting for you to call me.
Spending all my nights reminiscing to every good and bad moment
Concluding that I want you to know that, Imma be there for you.
You're the only one I want by my side when I fall asleep and when I wake up.

You're the coffee that I need in the morning.
Through drought and famine, natural disasters, my baby you have been around for me.

Everytime you hold my hand I feel it.
Who would have thought I'd meet you.
Who would have thought I'd get to be embraced with a love so strong and beautiful.
It's only you and I.
Everything I need, is all that you are.

You're all that I need.
Not poetry.
Who would have thought I'd find you.
Who would have thought I'd fall this hard?
And I'll take my time to really uncover the poetry that you are.
The real poetry I have been needing in my life.
Not the one that appeases others.
Not one that seeks for criticism or plays false pretence.

Just pure poetry that portrays the strongest form of love ever.

Man.
You don't know do you?
That when you hold me
And when you kiss me
It's the sweetest thing.
And it don't change it only grows.

I just want you to see how beautiful you are.
Wherever you go, I'll follow.

You feel like all seasons combined to one.
I don't even know how to put it,
You're the sunshine to my life.
The warmth that protects me from the cold.
The coolness that protects me from the harsh sun.
The warm Autumn breeze that brushes my face,
The spring that brings everything to life.

I've been waiting my whole life, to find
Someone like you.

How far we go always seems to get better with time.
I'm yours, girl.

I have so much to write.
But writers block is suffocating my writing process.
My mind swarms with so many things to say.
Yet I can't put it to words and it's getting to me.

This is isn't my first rodeo with writers block,
So by now I should know how to break out of this dark hole.
Yet here I am, feeling empty and less whole.

Poetry has always been my form of expression and here I am
Stuck.
But we're going to push it.

This week has been testing me emotionally.
And **** it, writers block won't win this mental war.
My writing won't be up to par,
But it will be my writing.

Emotional test number 1.

I'm getting attention from the opposite gender.
It's as if I'm suddenly in their rader.
Which I can understand to some extent but if you've spent a lot of your life in a specific environment that stayed stagnant.
A sudden change is, overwhelming.

So here I am,
Men staring,
Mouths watering,
Minds wandering away to devouring me.
I can see the lust in their eyes and I guess it's because I look more mature now?
I don't know, its uncomfortable.
I don't know how so many women have to go through feeling like this, especially at their place of work.
Getting some questionable compliments.
And some downright inappropriate snide remarks.
I'm not enjoying it one bit.
And before someone gets to commenting on how I dress, Friday is causal Friday and I wear the baggiest **** ever.

It's weird
And extremely uncomfortable. To be in such a situation.
I hate it.
Especially because the female human resources manager that is supposed to protect the staff at all cost or as far as her work powers allow her to protect is never around.

I don't like it one bit.
I don't like feeling uncomfortable and scared in my work environment because my colleagues and Superiors find me attractive.

Anyway.

WEIRD THING NUMBER 2

I just have to make it in capitals because my heart feels dribbled.
And unlike Football, no one is enjoying the show.
It's just a disaster.

But that's for another day

There's quite a lot that I could put to words.
And to be fair subliminals aren't my forte.
But consider today a different story.
There's just so much I'd want to relay.
But so little ways to convey.
Without getting in trouble that is.

I'm not saying much,
But I'm saying everything all at once.
Can you tell I'm subbing you?

I wouldn't know how to cry for help.
I hope I'm not alone in this.
I hope somewhere out there someone is reading this and their response is " That one I Felt"
I feel like when I feel defenseless its in me to suddenly dismiss my feelings.
Which is sad because I need healing.
I need to stop feeling like I'm nothing but a weakling for wanting to be more expressive.
Swear, I'd pat myself on the back because admittance to emotions is impressive.

Anyway, I hope one day to cry for help and receive it.
In the meantime I'll allow for this darkness to swallow me whole.

I **** in my pain the same way I **** my stomach in.
I inhale till my tummy feels basically flat even though you can see it sticking out.

I take care of my pain just the same way I take care of my weight loss.
I go to extreme measures of not eating and then one day explode and eat everything till it physically hurts.

I'm not doing a good job.

I think I fully hate myself more and more now

I'm not saying my poems are a cry for help.
But I'm also not saying they are a sign of elation.
It's just that for so long.
Till now, I have to be the bearer of strength.
I have to forget that I'm human and I'm suffocating.
And deal with everyone else.

And for a long time coming.
I knew I'd reach a point of being tired but never stopping.
Of being broken and down but my support to others never dropping.
The only thing down, would be my own self.
Burning and turning to ash as I fix everyone.
As I make them feel good.

Now Look at me.
Unaware of who I am.
I don't know

I just
I think, I'm not okay.
And I don't even know the first steps.

You write a lot of poems.
So I guess that's a bonus.

I was going to write this down on a piece of paper.
But my mind is moving faster than my pen flow.
And  at this point it's hard to take things slow.
Particularly this piece.

I feel like a lost soul.
Wandering the space of time.
Trying to open my third eye but my face isn't progressive enough.
So I close my only two eyes
god I hope this works.

She told me " The universe is infinite"
I told her "I know"
She told me "To always write about my current state of mindset"
But it's extremely hard to do that when you're lost.

What does it mean though?
To be lost and to feel entrapped in the global blue?
Does it mean to write continuously about searching further than the universe?
Does it mean that my poetical element becomes far greater and deeper than when my mind is less conflicted?
Because if so, It means to gradually inflict myself to get to a greater stage.
To grow and to feel an abundant amount of emotions.
To be overwhelmed and then let poetry take it all in.

She told me "No, you are lost because the universe is larger than you"
I told her "I know"

I feel lost because I am searching for something that I do not know.
I wander aimlessly with a thousand visions and goals in mind,
but not enough time to find what  a "true calling could be"

I am  all alone,
trapped in my mind. all alone.
Lost and and wandering the unknown.
Searching for all I could ever know.

Green, blue, purple, brown. That's all I see.
The potential to write my best piece ever.
The potential to really figure it all out, to compare forever and always.

It's pretty dark here.
Just me and the infinite milky-way.
Just me and my ever moving soul.

She told me, "That's not it"
I told her "I know"

I'm thinking too much and not at all at once.
If this Piece  feels convoluted, I will not apologise.
Forgive me.

I feel pain and happiness at once.
I smile as I pierce through my skin with this bland razor
Tired of hearing you're a gladiator.

I'm too lost for that.
Stuck in this infinite galaxy,
searching for the sun.
They say it's everywhere.
How am I lost?
Someone please tell me, how am I lost?
I can't find a way
entrapped in this galaxy.
Why am I lost.
Forever lost
Tell me why being  lost is my always?

She told me "You're almost there"
I told her "I'm not"

"I'm still fighting my way, caged by my mind. I feel this is as far as I could go, I could travel the whole world. Begin and end my journey and still find myself in this room"

"I'm a lost girl"

"You're not alone"
"I know"

"Let me in, I'll show you why you were a lost girl"

CHANGES.

You were lost girl, I'll tell you why.
You were lost girl, I'll tell you why.
All alone, thats how you felt.
No one knew how you were all alone.
No one understood.
But I'm here now, you're not alone.
I don't think you know,
You were a lost soul.
But I'm here girl,
You are are more than what you see.
Let me show you.
Let me just take it all in.
I'll show you.
You're not lost girl.
There's reason behind me.

You're not alone.

"I'm here"

I don't have a reason to be sad.
I've been told quite a lot that there's no substantial trauma from my interaction with the world.
That I have a life that seems to be significantly solid and constant.

Regardless of my cries and need to not be the strong person in every aspect of my life or anyone's life that I seem to be in.
I've been put in a case where I'M SUPPOSED TO BE STRONG.

I've cried to the walls and I've been comforted by the cold corners,
But none of that has ever been of human support.
And man, it's hard.
Hiding my pain
Taking all their strains
and it's hard.

It's painful
Because here I stand, scrapes and bruises all over my mental and there's no one to tell me everything will be fine.

No one to hold me tight, hug me and be strong for me.

I can't be strong for myself because I've drained all my energy on everyone else but me.

And at the back of my mind, something is telling me to numb the pain
But I don't want to go back there again.
At the same time, I'm afraid I'm already there.

I think I have been in various situations where I was sure that you're the one.
Blindly ignoring the red flags, the warning signs.
I was hell bent.
I thought you were heaven sent.

And I was wrong,
But I'm older and wiser now.

And I will not ignore the voice in my head or anything if at all my heart assumes that someone is. the one.
I want green lights everywhere, I can't base true love on anything toxic.

You stare into your mobile device.
Brows furrowed.
Searching for a sign,
A subliminal message.
Some sort of affirmation.

Why?
Let the past ponder on its own.
Let the future build itself.
Overthinking and searching so desperately for a sign makes it harder for fate to do its own work.

Relax yourself.

You’re the one the I need.
You’re the one that I wanted.
You’re the one I get hurt for
You’re the one that I lean on.

I sit outside contemplating if I’ll ever have the right words to fully orchestrate the greatest love song.
Pondering on the ideology behind each symphony and melody.
Trying to figure out if I can truly compensate for each octave. After all I’m no singer.

I stand before a very large crowd. All eyes on me. I hear each murmur from the background. It would seem they are all waiting on me.
Dressed and draped in black, my hands begin to shiver, sweat trickling down my forehead.
I don’t have the voice for this. How on earth do I put on the greatest show.

Deep breath, inhale, exhale. I tell myself. If it’s all for a love like no other.
Surely I can make this work. Somehow I can. Because if it’s for her. Then I need to become the greatest showman to date.

I want to say things like “I’ve never believed in fate and that every fibre in me believes there’s no destiny. That I always sought love to be superficial or more of a fantasy.”
However I’ve always been a sucker for romance.
And I always believed that love could enhance every bit of our surrounding. And in saying so. I am stating to you that you’re my comfort in ending. And I hope that having a knowledge of this is profound. Because at the end of the day, you’re the only love I need and have found.

I stare in awe at the crowd. At first lost for words. But to the thought of you, I’ve found inspiration. At the sight of you, my confidence sky rockets. I don’t know if you know but you’re my motivation. And for as long as I can imagine, all that I want and need is within you.

I’m a victim of love.
I have stood before Cupid and allowed for him to take a mugshot of me love drunk.
I’ve been in a position whereby I fought love and thought it was love.
But my reality always pulled me out of this dream. Dragged by gravity. I realised it was all idealised, conceptualised misunderstandings of what I thought was what my heart needed.
Because at the end of the day. The love I had given out was never reciprocated. It made me feel as if I was doomed.
As if I was to be consumed by the world and to be hastily chewed up and spit by the people that took my heart only to decide that it wasn’t good enough.

Feeling like you’re not good enough and being put in that situation is painful. I remember fully telling myself that I cannot be that again. I need love that is not only healthy but will help me grow and become better and be in a case of “Finally, I feel at home”

When you walked and came into my life. I never expected that.
I know I was wholly curious about you.
I know I wanted to know more, I wanted to know what makes you smile, what makes you laugh, what makes you happy, sad, confused, confident, what ticks you off, what angers you, what makes you. So you.
And how can I be apart of your life. How can I see that smile everyday and make you laugh and make you see the world the way I see it in your eyes.

And it’s weird. I know.
But when i heard your name for the first time.
It felt like my heart finally found its other half.
I love you.

In the case of me not ever getting over you,
I was worried that when you find love, I will live in pain.
And ultimately it would ,mean my feelings were and could have been in vein.
It would also be ironic, your happiness would cause the blood stains in my heart.
It's like, perhaps what I sought to be love that doesn't end was just a toxic figment from the start.

In the case.
But that's not what's at state.
I told myself that for me to love another, I must fully let go of you.
Of course I thought it wasn't possible, but my reality proved other.
For I too have found another.

She's not you.
She's not a predefined version of you.
She is everything I need and want.

And in the case you find love outside of me.
Know that I am so happy for you.

I believe at some point in my life I drilled the idea of being non comital in my head.
Crazy I know but I was so hell bent on not being hurt again.
Surely being a non emotional being means I HAVE NOTHING to gain.
I get it.
But I always stressed that I'm going to commit to those that need my heart.
Not the people that want to ****** with it and then suddenly disappear because their heart isn't solid enough to handle mine.

While in this situation of non commitment. I also believed in soul mates.
The sole idea that there will always be someone for you, that at the end of the day love is our fate.
It's our destiny.
And that's good enough to keep my concept of love sane and not in vain.
But as the pain of heart break coursed  through my veins, it became difficult to hold on to that thought.
It's weird I know, but it's perfectly human.
To have mismatched feelings and contradictions.
But you must understand, I know you've experienced the same things.

To have the whole of you belong to someone who couldn't properly cater for it.
To over and under-assume that they are your one and only.
It's sensible, we are human.
It's the only humane thing ever.

Now this story is long.
I want to apologise but I know you love some story telling.
So I'm here to tell a tale so please hear me out.

When I saw you.
I don't want to say corny things like my heart skipped a beat.
But it did, and it was weird because I didn't know how to react to that.
My hands were clammy, My mind was running.
How can I talk to this royalty and have her find me funny and adorable.
How can I make her smile?
How can I hear her laugh and feel prideful because "I did that"

Remarkable.
Undoubtedly, How I felt then is ten times more than now.
You have no idea how much my heart belongs to you.
How every fibre in me tells me you're my soul mate.
My sole mate.

It's my dream to take care of you.
To show you love and make you feel everything that you make me feel.
I want to watch you grow and become the successful Queen you're meant to be.
I want to be there by your side as you battle each demon, as you win and as you lose to become stronger.
I want to be there for you.
Every single step.

I want to hold your soft hands
And instantaneously transfer how much I am willing to protect and make you feel safe.
While also demonstrating the safety I immediately feel with each hold.

I want to be in an endless timeframe and watch you wake up.
I want to be the first t see those russet eyes, glow with happiness.
I want to leave butterfly kisses on your forehead and watch your subtle smile spread.
I want to whisper sweet nothings and hug you.
My mornings are best with you.
My soul feels complete knowing I'm with my sole soul mate.

I think there will always be a part of me that wishes you were still apart of me.
Maybe not romantically but definitely platonically.
But I shake my head to such crazy thoughts.
You know why?
You made it clear that I cannot be in your life.
And I want to say I get it, but I don't.
In my darkest hour, My mind could only sought to you.
We need to protect ourselves I know, but what form of toxic was I if all I ever did to your mindset was try to at least show you who you are.

But enough about that.
I don't talk about you.
You raise insecurities to the people of my life.
They see everything we shared as something that's indescribable.
And it's a mess because we're ******* up their sense of security.

We don't talk about you.
But you're always the main point of a topic.

Bear with me.
I have writers block going heavy on my mind.
And I have this deep sense of need to write about you.
So I'm going to do my best to find these words.
No, they are not lost, but they are currently hiding from me.
Perhaps it is because I cannot use simple words to describe my love for you.
It could also be that my heart feels that using complex words wouldn't be enough.

But darling.
Do you see the title?
Because that is not just the name of a developing piece that will turn into a more heartfelt confession.
This is your title.
My love.
You are the one.

I want to say that all my life, I have been searching for something that would allow for me to love and to fully love back.
And for some time it felt like I had found it.
But subconsciously my mind weighed heavy and it kept telling me that I'm rushing the process.
Everything I experienced is part of a process.
And eventually my eyes will open and till then, I will feel and experience progression.

I know I tend to speak in riddles but bear with me.
I have writer's block.
And it's a mess because getting to the point feels like trying to open a combination lock, just with the idea of the password.
But not enough knowledge.

But like I said my love.
I have this deep need to write to you.
Maybe with a few complex anecdotes
And a smear of simple annotations.

Every waking second spent with you, is a blissful moment that puts my heart to ease.
With every single touch , my senses awaken. My soul rejuvenates. I feel oddly at peace.
As if this is it.
She is it.

I once believed that I would never lose you.
This isn't because of some sort of egotistic behaviour, no it's the thought process that told me we are permanent.
and of course I told myself that if I don't think it. It won't happen.
I shouldn't have done that.
I watched my reality come crashing down the second I lost you.

I watched one hour turn into two till it became twelve.
Perhaps then I witnessed a pain so unrealistic
A pain so mortifying.
An experience so terrifyingly horrible.
Every minute of that was unbearable.
A life lesson. But ****.

Then I got you back.
I watched the colours return back to my eyes.
I noted my one true fear.
To lose the love of my life.
To lose you.

Because darling as the poem says.
You're the one.

Please don't ever forget that all that I AM, Is all that YOU will receive.

Today is like my birthday.
Because I have found something more temperate than a Winter's day.
My true love has finally come to me.

MY ONE IS HERE.

Less than 24 hours ago, I wrote that I found freedom and solace in her.
That my state of mind always seemed to be in a lighter mood.
Funny how things really can change in mere seconds.

Less that 24 hours, I shared to her an even bigger piece of my heart.
I gently removed my battered heart from my chest and asked for her to hold on to it.

Bruised and coloured in black, purple marks. I gave to her willingly.
And what better way to do that if not with poetry.
The only artfrom that truly  defines who I AM.

Her eyes, shined with happiness, or so I thought.
My mind so calm, trusting that every move I made is worth it.
I shouldn't have listened to any bits of my mind or heart though.
I should have fought.
Now look at my consequences of love.
My heart is caught in a bob wired fence.
Losing its last bits of red.

Less than 24 hours ago, I thought you would protect me.
So willingly I gave you all of me, bits I repaired, Bits I was working on and the remainder of what made me me.

What gave you the right to look me in my bloodshot eyes and tell me I am not  enough.
Why take all that I am to tell me that you can't do this.

Is this it?
Is pain the only constant that belongs in my life?
Because everytime I try to feel something better than it.
It leaves like a boomerang and comes back with 10x more the impact.

So perhaps this is my karma.
My one true love.
Pain.
I cannot fight you anymore.

"Can you tell me what you really feel?"

He stares into my brown eyes. Confusion running heavy on his bloodshot eyes.

"I'm really trying to get the grasp of this, because if I can understand where your heart is, I don't have to stand here, worried and rumaging through my already dark mind", he sighs.

If I could find a way to let him Know how I am. It should be through poetry.
And if he can understand, I'm sure she will too.

I have had a lifeline of broken support.
In that instance it means that there's no possibility of someone being able to protect me.
I have given my heart willingly to what I assumed would love me back.
You've seen that backfire on me.
You've seen me retract back like a dog with a tail between its legs.
And I know how it hurt you.
It hurt me too.

Knowingly you took it upon yourself to create a barrier of protection between our friendship. Forming something that could offer some sort of relieve to us both. And in it's own way it did work.
Surely for a very long time, I could bare my heart break to you.
And you could allow me to be overwhelmed by your pain.
We did that.

"So are you saying you don't need my protection?" His voice breaks.

I'm saying that you need mine more than anything. I have a bruised beating heart that is protected by a soul that I've never quite met and thats okay.
She makes me feel safe,
she makes me feel protected and she makes . me smile and laugh.
I am more alive with her. Her love is remarkable. So what do you say?
Let me protect you?
My heart is in safe hands.

"Okay"

I have 99 reasons to be happy.
But my depression has one that keeps dragging me down.

I attempted to get over you in a more childish manner.
Ignoring all my feelings and assuming that going through the motion of not feeling my emotions will help my heart get over this.

I failed.
I lost myself in the process and drowned in toxic.
I tried to stay afloat but my mind kept telling me I’m being deluded and that everything in me is sick.
I kept excluding my mind and I kept including my hearts messy ways.

I know what love like you means.
It’s a complete beauty of all things pure and addicting.
And as I had every single dose of you, I couldn’t imagine...
I can’t even say.

Regardless of what couldn’t be it became my reality.
Pulling me down and forcing me to run away from sobriety.
Clashing my very form of solitude to what society classes me as.

I chased the toxic and high that was supposed to make me forget you.
But distant flashbacks of you brought me back to my depression.

I’m not saying you are the reason behind it.
But remember my mental state wasn’t doing so hot yet you managed to cool bits of it.

I attempted to get over you in the worst way possible.
And now.
I’m trying a more cleaner state.

It’s not an attempt.
More of a clearer better way to be away from you.
I promise you I’ll be happy

Sometimes

Sometimes I relapse to you.
Most days I relapse to my mind.

But days like today.
I think of how I should try to move on away from you.
Yes I loved you.
Yes I love you.
But I need to keep away from you.

I won’t be able to do that by holding on.
Your number has been removed,
Our conversations have been deleted.
But I still listen to the memories of you
And baby I can’t ever dispute where my heart lies.

But it shouldn’t be on you.
It shouldn’t be on another too.
It should be on me.

Because ultimately my soul, my sanity.
It deserves the capability and capacity that my love lies on you.

“If you love me won’t you say something”

Our song lingers in the background, heavily playing with anecdotes
And innuendos of you.

But baby.
It hurts that it isn’t on me.

It hurts that it isn’t on me.

Because sometimes I think about how this is disastrous.
How it’s disappointing.

I’m the love I need.
Why can’t I see that?

Do you judge me for being non committal?

Do you look down on me and wonder as to why I have such strong negatives on love?
Do you ever give me a solemn look and try to reconstruct what went wrong with me?
Who hurt me and why?

Because all you can do is ask.
I’ll tell you why I’m non committal.

But regardless of how simple it is.
I see you.
Racking your brain, staring deep into my eyes.
Hopeful that you could save me.
And of course naturally my response seems like you’re my hero.

And it feels great to you. To be the woman to change my pain and turn it into something better.
Realistically, I’m afraid I’m racking my brain over having someone as great as you and still feel nothing.

Instinctively I react to all the things you want me to react to.
I flow to your sensitivity, to your movements and to your soul.
My body in sync with everything that you are.
And it feels like it should be great but I’m in the worst state of indifference. And I want to hate it, but I feel nothing towards it.

I see you though.
It’s unfortunate that you don’t see me all the way through.

And even if you did. What good will it do but cause pain.

As expected this poem should have its wild and theatrical sense of darkness.
From its humor, from each dripping word.
It should be stained and filled with hot to mild darkness.
After all the title already has that harnessed in us.

But what if this is thirteen reasons why I don’t want to be in this darkness?
What if this is thirteen reasons why I need to stop feeling like a mess?

Would it still compel you?
Well... doesn’t matter.

My heart is about to be open today.

1. I went to church today. I hoped to open a deeper level of myself but I got in my head and I let it daze my consciousness and I wasn’t aware of my surrounding. But it awoke when your voice boomed and her hand collapsed on my shoulder. Subtly I remember how her heart bled for my mental freedom. And how her words urged me to not close off. She said something and I felt that. My heart opened a bit and I feel something.
2. I was supposed to go out. Perhaps heavily drink and wipe my anxious overthinking state but deep down I didn’t want to? And deep down was becoming high key. So I got a sign and didn’t. However I did drink not excessive, not to the point of drunkenness but to the point where it  says that I am in control.So believe it or not, my heart opened a little bit. Yearning to be front. About **** *** time really.
3. I thought about you, I am thinking about you. Sitting here, waiting for an EDM song to load on my YouTube, staring at these words flying on my phone and I just can’t help it. I’m thinking of how I can talk to you more or say my most genuine self and something you know? But it’s not just you. I’m afraid it’s also her. And that’s okay, my heart lies in two. But hear me out, I just happen to have my soul mate and my star cross. But I won’t overthink it. My heart is happy with that.
4. I think a lot, sometime it’s very unfortunate but it’s a defense mechanism. A negative one, I overthink the worst and hope that maybe I’m wrong but since I’ve already portrayed it. I just, I don’t ever feel too good Mr Stark.
5. I hate my job. It makes me feel the worst about my self worth. But I need it to persevere or some **** like that. But really it’s ******* with me mentally.
6. Because I get in my head a lot, I over under think and that messes with me emotionally. It turns me to a rollercoaster, I’m just taking everybody for a ride. Spinning all that is around me but forever stagnant till I get repaired for more rides or they just tear me down for something more exhilarating.
7. My heart hurts.
8. My head is overthinking.
9. I want it to stop.
10. Now I told you I had thirteen reasons why.
11. It’s just that
12. I genuinely need to get out
13. And find peace.

Now that you know.
I can’t bear to look at you.

Forcing your pearly whites to appear,
Forcing your hazy foggy eyes to be clear.

I can’t bear to look at you.
Not while I cried for help.

Your mind turns mechanically, going through it’s archives and researching how to solve or rather save me.

I see the exhaustion in your eyes.
I feel the ache in your chest
And I’m reminded that it’s all me.

So I smile, I wear a brand new mask that has no holes or openings for errors.
I under-think and run away from the realization that I can’t escape my depression.

I stare at my anti depressants and refuse to be complacent to its backlashes.
I stare at them and refuse to watch it fully consume and burn me right to ash.

I have a new mask.
Because now you know.

I’ll save us.
Don’t worry about me anymore.

My mask is tighter than ever.

I love you...

If and when you know that I am not okay.

How will you help me?

After all,

All I have done is cry.
All I have done is scream for help.
But now that you hear me,
Tell me

How will you help me?

I tell you
That my memory is hazy.

I tell you that perhaps it’s my head that made sure that these memories are fuzzy.

But you stare back at me.
With a wound slightly opened.
And you tell me
“Maybe it’s all just really in your head”

That doesn’t help.

.

“You’re the one that I lean on”

Emotions
Emotions
Emotions.

How do I expose my ulterior when I had shut down my interior.
My motives remain different but still plastered with the same smile I put out on my exterior.

But this.
Slightly different.
Wholly honest.
Well I would hope so.
After all this is a piece with the heat of the moment.

Black and white.
White paper, black ink.
Nothing more, hopefully nothing less of the truth.

Within, without your pain or mine.
I want you to have your specific happy ending.

If you do believe that happiness is non existent and your toxic fully carries you and makes you feel.
Nothing to do with being alive. It just makes you feel.

Then let your toxic consume till the day your soul tells you otherwise and pleads for you to settle.

Let what you want and dream of happen now.
I wish you nothing but all that you desire.

There’s never ever any negativity that I would wish for you.

But admittedly my pain will always be written and if you take it as a jab to your chest.
Truly do not.

I only express my truth to poetry.
Don’t let it make you think negative of yourself.
Allow it to show that I’m human, I hurt, I feel, I love and laugh.

Just find your own Happy ending.
I’m radiating positivity to you.

Imagine to my surprise when I say.
"You're my soul mate"
"You're my sole date"
"Yet we can't be because of fate"

Imagine to my dismay when he told me.
"She doesn't love right"
"She does't believe in it and so she fights all these emotions with all her might"

Imagine to my chest when,
It heaves
When each breath comes with a tug of pain.
And each beat with a realisation that we cannot be.

I cry.
I scream to the top of my lungs because I know what I want.
"Why doesn't she want me back?"
My soul keeps asking and my spirits keep shaking.
Nodding it's head no!
It doesn't make sense.
Why is the universe so over the fence about us?

Imagine to my soul the pain.
The emotional heart strain.
Truly can I not find and accept love in you?

You're my soul mate.
My one true fate.
So why can I not get closer?
Why must you be so far and so cold to me.

In this epiphany I see no us but I feel all of us.
It shouldn't be like this! If I don't get you at the end of the day.
If our souls cannot merge and become one.
Why must my soul convulse  and be torn from limb to limb.

Imagine my sheer disappointment
When knowing my one true cannot be my only true.

Panda this goes out to you.

I am accepting that the universe has linked us to be two of the same but not enough to be one.
It just affects me mentally knowing that what should be my other half is half of someone that I once was and cannot wholly be forever.

It affects me to notice how we synchronise yet we end up breaking apart.
The complexity behind what we had mistaken for simplicity.
Isn't there just a way for us to restart?

To meet in an alternation whereby our souls remain the same yet allow for the two of us to become one?
A universe that allows this to not end in such a dull dark way?

Can't I get a proper ending with you?
You're the soul mate that could be a star crossed lover.
Yet why haven't and why can I not fully experience us?

I believe in destiny.
Sure I may come off as anti love and non committal but give me the chance to back my statements up.

I’m anti loving someone when you as a human with a beautiful soul cannot see the lighter aspects of yourself.
I’m anti loving another person when you can’t find love in yourself.
It’s somewhat painful and distasteful to want to receive a perfectly beating heart and give back uncertainty because you can’t love yourself.

I’m non committal because I see it in you.
Doubt, fear on what you could find to be true.
You shadow these thoughts and let them take over you.
You let the past of other people define what you see of me and treat me lesser than them.
I’m non committal because your heart is in lust and your soul is charred and blown to dust.

I believe in destiny.
I believe that in a world exists two or more of our soulmates.
I believe each soulmate is for each specific moment and that a specific two are for a more permanent mark.

Your first soulmate shows and teaches you exactly what your soul has been crying and screaming for.
Your second fulfills that underlying pressure the world has put on you about love.
But your second may never come,
Your first may never leave.

But stay believing in love that is yours and you will be okay.

Im anti love and non committal because if you search for these qualities But can never find them in yourself than that toxicity.
That is inhaling the green and spreading it to the lungs of another.

Have you not seen the love that they are portray?
All in it’s broken and incomplete manner.
How can I be so trustful when love doesn’t reside within ourselves first?

You make me realize how empty I am.

At long last, I have felt purely and wholly indifferent to everyone.

My toxic has overwhelmed and left me.

I don't write love song or poems anymore.
I don't write how infatuated I am anymore.
I don't spew my heart anymore.

I am anti love, but in the sanest way possible.
I  have lost myself to love and I have found myself toxic for love.

I don't write about how you broke my heart.
I don't write about the gnawing pain.
The constant sting.
I don't.
I don't.

I write about how lost I feel.
How awake I seem but so congested I am.
Subliminally I have never felt so disappeared.
I have never felt so without soul.
There's a hole that has sunk the whole of me.

Who am I?
Where am I?

The girl, no the woman in the mirror, staring right back at who should be me. WHO IS THAT?

Out of sight,
Out of mind,
I am running out of time.

Normally all they expect from me is strength. They expect the bravest face with the brightest smile.
But 2019 has been throwing more than just hurdles my way.
2019 has been creating more than a disruption to me.

2019 started out with the biggest amount of hope, finally I was going to face most of my dreams and definitely at long last make sure that I complete them.

But when it came, I got a stab to the heart, losing the one person who I thought would get to see my empire rise.
And I understand that relationships end, I get that we need to let go of toxic behaviors but when she walked away. Everyone that held a special significant place in my heart walked out.

I became overwhelmed with pain to the extent that I became toxic.
I tried to run to someone who I thought would stay there but they just couldn't bear to watch me so fragile and bare, they walked out. Making sure that the remaining components of my heart turned to dust.

My environment grew dark, People started fighting for some form of job security and I took it in me to carry their pain while worrying for myself. I survived, they didn't so while relieve was evident in my face their pain was eating at my soul.

I had other hopes, It'll work out somehow.
But the deeper into the months we get the more drained I get.

I am not okay
2019 is taking a huge toll on me.

I'm writing this piece  because I lack peace of mind.
I seem to be lost and there's no hope to what I can truly find.

Empty, dull, uneventful
Tired, broken, distasteful
Conflicted, numb and just downright exhausted.

I'm trying to take a break from everything that reminds me of how hollow I am.
But it requires slipping into isolation.
I've heard quite a lot of stories about how dangerous a path it is.
It's just that I can't help it. I find no reason in myself, just a lot of trapped cages in my heart.
A lot of mental walls, barriers to my name.

I feel pain, I feel an overwhelming amount of pain, heavily weighing me down.
I need escape, I need solidarity.
But that means losing the little that I have and end up with nothing.

Naturally, instinctively that's daunting. But I'm trying to love myself.

I'm trying so hard. But it doesn't feel good enough.
I keep trying to open up to myself but I end up building so many walls.
I...
I find it difficult to finish this poem because I don't want to be true to myself

What makes me reminisce on what we used to be?
The underlying scent and taste of our friendship, lingering at the tip
flowing deep inside.
Warming my smile to our memories. No to my memories

Perhaps, maybe that is what makes me reminiscent.
The subtle tone of your laugh, the vibrations hazily crossing my mind,
Traveling to the pits that warmed my soul.

Nostalgia, heavily present
Crazily infiltrating my  mind
Grazing its soft lips against my ear.
Whispering our history.

Bear with me for a few minutes or throughout majority of the poem.
There’s some writers block with me.
Yet there’s a need deeper than my subconscious to write about you. A wholesome want that needs not be subliminal.

Each word, each syllable drips baring truth.
No seduction, no romance or any other double entendre.
It’s just a need to write, not for you but to write and it happens that you are the subject.

Growth comes with its formality.
Change opens our eyes to reality.
And the whole process either makes or breaks our mentality.
Not really sure whether you’re afloat or being pulled down by gravity.
That’s just the whole nature of being an entity.

Empty, sometimes growth leads to that.
Hollow, a formidable pit that keeps getting deeper.
It drags you but then again what can be done?
You’re just a life seeker.
Trying to get more, to feel more just without the ruckus of pain.

A turmoil,
You roll and roll and spin and wonder why am I moving so much, so fast?
It’s a process.
Never mind feeling confusion.
It’s just an illusion.
Or a way of getting your mind to really look at things.

I hope I didn’t lose you.
Because often in search of truth we get lost.
And no I am no truth but I’ll bring you honesty.

Consequences. No more, no less than the word guilt. We live in it, sometimes take pleasure in it. But primarily grow because that is it’s end game. Growth.

Self awareness.
Look in the mirror and appreciate, not what is outside or inside but what is you. Because growth is that, appreciation of self.

Incomplete. A feeling so deafening, so loud and corrupt. A feeling that can just be so abrupt to your conscious.
And so for that be cautious.

The mind requires freedom and love. Love from yourself and freedom from your negative self.
Only then can you truly feel growth.
And only then can you see yourself past the pain and tribulations.

This poem is not done, but it is complete.

INTERLUDE

“Don’t you ever get tired of being the savior?”
“Because I don’t think anyone will ever love you properly anymore”

PRELUDE

All you ever needed was someone to stop you from being hero.
Someone to tell you to break down and help you not feel hallow.
Who’s here to watch you?
To tell you that “I’m your shoulder to cry on”

Who’s there to protect you.
Guide and wrap you tight in the softest hugs?
To embrace your broken battered soul and help you feel less empty?
Why must your strength force you to pay the price so hefty?

DREAMS

“Give me the chance to not only be your protector but your lover. Let me Take care of you, let me be the one to do all that you have done, I know your soul is broken, that your mindset is shattered. So give yourself to me and gladly allow for my catering”

REALITY

All that should be
Yet here lies my ego. Standing tall, representing pride.
While my soul wilts and my heart darkens to my reality.

“I’m not worth saving”

Depression.

We’ve been living together for the past three months.
And as time moved you invited you friends such as anxiety, self hate and doubt to mess with me.
As the times become now it seems these visitors are now the landlords of my soul.

Depression, as I write with all that I have left.
You have won.
But I will return for what is me.

To you I write the truth.

Give me an approximate of Thirty.
Slipping in the deep sea of corporate.
Slowly losing self, I feel *****.
Searching for a balance, it’s not moderate.

My soul wanders aimlessly,
My mind searches timelessly.
My heart hasn’t gotten around this.

My eyes are lost in Sea,
Trying to look beyond the blue.
Trying to look for a reality that isn’t so solemn.

As I write to you. I hope that the truth of my voice can still be found.
I pray that my work will continue and that my hands and heart still itch to write.

My reality remains distorted.
Gruntled and dismantled by new environments.
I need an escape,
I need the Earth to call to my soul.
My chakras are dusty.
My lungs are burning.
My throat has gone dry.

Change becomes inevitable.
As it is a process of finding who you are.
But my body twists and turns and looks to this unravel and refuses.
“Cleanse your system”
“You are spiritual not corporate”

And so you called.
You sang to me the wonders of the soul.
You took me, and we travelled.
My soul felt freedom.
And now I write to you my truth.

My perception of truth lies in colour.
Drastically moving and molding into more.
Evolving into a greater theory than that of Darwin’s
My truth distorts reality, it gravitates you away from society.
And frees your mindset from sobriety.
It awakens you to the cult situation of life.
This reality.
It’s so vague with optimism
It’s so drizzled with pessimism.
This reality? It is not one for us.

Listen to my will, draw out your soul and feed from me.
Let my wisdom mold with yours.
Let our visions be two for one.

Your energies burn with curiosity.
Dive deep and stay below.
Explore till your breath cannot.
Open your eyes underwater, fear nothing and feel the burn of your intrigue.

Find your truth near mine.
And discover reality further from it.

Shall I compare thee to a winders breeze?
Thou art more cool and clement
Thou art more shinier than the nights stars.
Tis the day they know
The day that they realise how it is you that I cannot fathom.

You have always whispered to me the true nature of the world.
Your energy radiating a voice so pure,
A voice so humbly harmonized
A voiced groomed to perfection,
A sound so perfectly aligned, moved by the hands that have orchestrated.
A sound that has raised my soul through its perfect symphonies.

Shall I say that the winds have whispered to me?
Shakespeare has driven me to an era so old.
An era so new.
An era for hope.

Travel with me.
Let us move to the Victorian lifestyle
Let us challenge Science, philosophy and the wonders of what is now.
Dive into this lifestyle.
And let us compare then to now.
Shakespearean to Victorian.

Travel with me.
To Sonnet 18.1

A few years ago I promised my heart that I would protect it.
I promised that I would drape every part of me before it could ever break again.

A few years now my heart looks at me defeated and broken.
Mislead and used by my sweet words and lies of protection

A few years now I can barely make contact with my heart.
I lead it astray and sent it broken promises and made it Pitter patter with such excitement to this overwhelming protection.

A few years now, my heart is no more.
Scattered and battered,
Misused and confused
It dares not to look at me,
I try to comfort her and apologize for the mistake I made
I try to make sense of all the overwhelming desire and force we felt when we saw them.

I tell her that it couldn’t be helped that she basically had us lost in her eyes.

But my heart refuses.
Shouts at how I wasn’t careful and to how I’m the cause of it all.

“You betrayed me”, she whispered.
“I’m in the pits of despair, the colour in me has faded. How much of me did you have to put through this?”
“There is no other half that is missing, there’s a whole of me, there’s a hole in me”

A few years now I’ve broken what was once so beautifully red.

I thought about texting you.
I keep thinking about texting you.
Yet I just can't bring myself to it.
Because maybe, just maybe I'm being too much of a hypocrite.

I can barley hold on,
I can't hardly grip tight.
I'm worried about you, I miss you.
I just, I can't keep holding on.

I've been slowly breaking since seeing you.
I've been slowly falling and finding myself deep under water.
I can't find any sort of light.
Darkness continues to consume me.
I've lost you.
A piece of myself too.

Why couldn't I be the one to be hurt?
Why you?
Why did I have to be your sole inflictor?

***

Sensual, explicit, extraordinary

FOREPLAY

Communication, touches, eye contact, spiritual pull.

Passion, Intimacy, ***

***.
The combination of raw, untamed energy,
Unsuccessfully molded into one.
Bursting with each arch
Burning with each grunt.

Heart thumping to each melody
Mind so white as bliss rockets out her body.

***
Caress your thighs,
Let me strum and create a band
drum and create a symphony
key and harness the harmony
Let me orchestrate your body while you sing for me.

***,
Let me whisper a Terza rima
“Do you want to be ******?”

Foreplay.
Grazing your thigh, looking away
Small subtle smile appearing.
Sneak peeks, blushing, lip biting.

HUNGER
There’s a hunger,
A craving for more.
Chest thumping, heart stumping

Slowly, I exhale
Deeper I go into this autumn forest
Lost and excited about this evening breeze.

“Touch me”, I whisper
As each part of you covers, marks what is within me.

Licks, bites... more!
Heavy breathing
Tongue twisting.

My voice wishes to be heard.
Unleash your inner beast,
Burn me
Warm me
I’m raging wet and cold!

Intimacy, Passion

Call out your soul,
Mine humbly and impatiently awaits,
Restrict your outer,
It’s time for your inner to shine.

Let me paint you with a colour of four,
With each stroke, call out your soul
Mine painfully awaits.

Sing to me
I’ll compose you a piece
One of meant for a goddess.

Before you reach your peak
Call out to my soul.
And fully feel me devour you.

***
Foreplay
Intimacy

Crave my passion
Want, need and be given
Come!
Explore the beauty of the pearl!