Ask me why I am wide awake at 2:36 am
Ask me why the lines on my skin are multiplying
Ask me why people keep leaving
I am so ******* up
my head is so ******* up
I keep remembering the nightmares
they replay over and over in my head on repeat
I am not getting as much sleep now
I don't know why I exist
I am tired of people asking me how I am doing
I have to lie
tell them what they want to hear
people never really want the truth
they don't want to hear
"I am struggling and I am drowning in my mind again and all I want to do is die"
they want to hear that you are getting better
and if you're not getting better then you should stop wasting their time and just die already
just slip away
The world is so ******* up
I don't want to be here anymore
2:26 am awake
lines going up my arms
people won't stop leaving
I just need sleep

I have never let myself get close to someone
I always run before I can get attached
Because leaving hurts
and getting left hurts
so I avoid it
but I met this boy
he makes me kind of crazy
he has curly brown hair and a cute smile
last night he came over and we talked for two hours
two o' clock am
we were just talking
I dont know why I love talking to people at night..
but I honestly do
He says he may be in love with another girl
and I said okay.
because I am always left to pick up the pieces
he will come back eventually
it just hurts
because I am falling for a boy
who is not falling for me.

The only way that I will ever end up getting help is if it gets so bad that someone notices.
I will always deny it.
I am functioning and healthy.
No one can physically see that I want to **** myself.
It's all in my head.

Why do I keep this part of me a secret?
Why don't I get help?
Why in the world would I try and go through this all by myself?
Because when I look at myself and see what I have created.. I hate it. I hate it so much. I don't want other people to see this part of me and hate me just as much as I hate it.
I don't need people to worry for me. I promise I do enough without other peoples help.
Talking to people will make it real. I don't want to become this monster In my mind.
So why do I pretend?
Because I don't want other people to suffer as much as I have to.

There was a girl
She was beautiful
Everyone loved her
She wore a smile, whiter than snow
She talked in the halls
She laughed in the locker room
She flirted with the jocks
Even though on the outside she looked beautiful and happy, she wasn't.
Her clothes got bigger
Her friends became mean
Her smile got faker
Her parents thought she was fine
She wasn't
No one knew it but she was plotting her own self destruction
She locked herself in her room
Put a chair against the doorknob and started swallowing.
Swallowing demons friends life
She never came out of the room.
The ambulance took the body
But they left the girl
She couldn't leave.
But maybe she was already gone.

it’s kind of sad how temporary the term “always” has become.

“i will always love you”
“i will always be true to myself”
“i will always care”

etc..

“always” tends to end.
like when he looked at me
and said “i will always be good to you”

lol
he wasn’t.

i have trust issues.
and maybe it’s because of the words like “always” and “never” that always end up fading.

or maybe it’s because i believed in
fairytales too much?
i just wanted a good thing.
but i was so naive, good things don’t last.

there is a reason it’s called a “storybook/fairytale”

because those aren’t real, it’s just a tale.

and i’m sorry but that never will be real life
but while things are good we can savor it
enjoy the good, while you’re in it.

i’m tired and i don’t want to break anymore.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I'm this way.
  I don't try to be sad.
I'm sorry that you worry about me.
  I'm not worth the time.
I'm sorry I'm a disappointment.
  I want to make you proud.
I'm sorry that I lie to you.
  Its just to protect you.
I'm sorry that I am so busy.
  I need more time.
I'm sorry that I am so closed off.
  I don't want to hurt you.
I'm sorry that I am
Broken
Lost
me.
I'm sorry that I want to die.
  I know its selfish.
I love you.

Are you okay?
You just look dark
The sparkle in you seems gone
I don't know
You're not the same
You're empty
But full of something
The terror of something is seeping out of your eyes, its replacing the light that was there
I don't know if I can help
I get glimpses of who you were
Of who you are
I don't know where you went
Please come back
I don't like this new you anymore.

Art
Art is a way for people to express themselves.
Art is taking what is in your head and making it real.
I could watch someone draw or paint for hours.
Watching them carefully trace all of the shadows in their minds
There is something about art that grabs my eyes and makes them stay
The musicians create music to compose a fraction of what is in their head
Dancers use the music like a canvas and their bodies as the paintbrush
Art is getting lost
Its becoming something to brag about.
Art is not caring who sees or hears it
Because you need it more than anything else.
But by default you have an effect on other peoples lives.

Health class
We have a strange assignment
I have to write my own obituary
When I want to die
How I'm going to die
Its cruel
I can't answer it truthfully
Because if I did
It would raise panic
So I guess I will have to lie
This isn't the first time

Attempt:
An act of trying to achieve something.
A week ago today, I attempted
I attempted to leave
To breathe.
I got slammed in a mental hospital
The first day felt like a year
But then your life drifts away
Day by day
They blend.
Those places drive you to insanity.
I am lucky to be alive.
I have dealt with so many tears and worries and nerves in the past 24 hours.
My brother got a tat of my name on his arm.
My 12 year old cousin cried while she hugged me for 10 minutes.
My dad broke down.
“Baby I just can't lose you”
“We are just so scared”
“Don't ever do that to me again”
I matter to alot of people and I just am starting to figure that out.
I need to learn how to matter to myself
I am attempting to get better
I have hope that I can do it
Achieve:
A thing done successfully, typically by effort, courage, or skill.

I grew up learning that
*** before marriage was bad
Being mean to others is bad
Smile to make other people smile
Get good grades
Make your family proud.
I was never specifically taught that
Suicide is bad
Starving is bad
Making yourself throw up is bad
Hurting yourself is bad
Faking is not okay
I was never taught that hurting yourself is not acceptable.
Maybe its because kids don't usually hurt themselves on purpose.
I was always told to be nice to others.
To be grateful for what you have.
I was never nice to myself,
I deserve much worse.
So ya I hate myself, I am just really good at faking.
Its easy when you've been doing it for as long as you remember.

All the bad things in my life come back to the fact that
I hate myself.

I don't quite understand why the sun on my face or the hot pavement on my feet makes me feel free.
Because skin gets burned.
I don't really know why the boxy shoes that judge and snarl make me feel beautiful when I dance.
Because they broke me.
I don't really know why mcdonalds french fries and country songs that I hate make me miss you.
Because you were more than that.
I don't get why they say the light always wins the darkness or why the dark always scared me.
Because now the darkness feels like home.

sometimes
i think about being a kid again

back when i played tag..
running away from my friends was fun.
i remember how exciting it was to run fast.
i always got an adrenaline rush running away.

back when i would spin in circles over and over to feel dizzy and fall down,
and after i fell i would lay in the scratchy grass and watch the sky because it was fun to see the world spin for a minute.
it was new to see things spin that weren’t supposed to rotate.

back when a swimsuit was just a swimsuit that my mom got for me at walmart,
i didn’t care what it looked like because i just wanted to play at the pool
or in the sprinklers
or to wash the car with my siblings on a crispy summer morning
(but the water always ended up being dumped on eachother rather than on the car)

back when the only validation i needed to be happy was a thumbs up and an encouraging “good job shay may!” from my parents.
because i’m pretty sure they knew everything when i was 5 years old.

back when i heard the garage door and would run to give my parents the biggest hug because every hour they were gone felt like a week..

and now it’s different
everything has something motivating it..

as we learn more,
we hurt more
we feel more
and tbh it *****.

because now
i run to prevent a mental breakdown
i run to burn calories

i spin in circles not by choice,
but because life is ****** and confusing
and makes your head spin..
it’s not anything new
i’ve grown accustomed to my mind
losing balance and falling over and over..
the ceiling spinning in my room at 2:00am doesn’t bring the same joy as the blue sky did.

now a swimsuit has to look flattering
and not show my body too much
because of course,
i’m actually a *******.

now i need validation from anyone willing to give it to me and also from the whole freaking internet
and honestly it’s still not even enough.
never will be

now when i see my parents
i walk up to them
and hug them and say
“hey how are you?”

it’s boring
it’s hard
it’s ******

and i wish i was little
when food was just food

and when running didn’t include
running away from myself

Since my puppy died I decided that I need to start living more
For her
I know that's bazare because it was just a dog. She wasn't though.
She was the reason I fell asleep
The reason I didn't go through with plans
She helped me calm down
My best friend
I know its sad and pathetic that a dog was my best friend
I don't care though
Cause watching her paw go slowly limp
Holding her white fluffy fur for the last time
It was heartbreaking
It broke something
But it also flipped a switch
I need to learn to be okay with myself
Cause you never know who is going to leave or when they will
But when they do
You need to still be okay.

They say,
  You could do so much better.
  Shoot for the stars not the clouds.
The thing is, what if I want to shoot for the clouds and the birds in life?
What if I'm scared to death of failure?
I can't even handle the idea of failing.
People don't understand that I am okay with mediocre.
I don't care if I am the very best.
I just want to be good enough.
I don't ask a lot of myself because I always dissapoint.
So now when they say
  You could do so much better.
I will reply
  Yes I know, but I don't want better.

have you ever felt
empty
have you ever felt
shattered
have you ever felt
wrong
9 days ago
I broke
9 days ago I decided that I wasn't worth it
I was shattered and empty and wrong
I woke up that day
I faked it so well
Laughed at work
Dressed up for a wedding
Then I sat in my hollow car
My thoughts echoing from window to window
I just needed to escape
my head
my car
my life
I couldn't fake it anymore
Antifreeze and sleeping pills
then it gets blurry
Hospital for a week
I don't want to say I attempted
because I failed
I am trying to be grateful for this second chance.
Waking up everyday
choosing to live
choosing to fight
Attempting was the most selfish
thing I have ever done
It wasn't for attention
I wanted to slip away
disappear
escape
fade
I am getting better
I am finding reasons to live
realizing that I am not nothing
I think life is worth it
It's going to get better

My mom and Dad called me at 6:30 this morning and asked me "are you even trying to get better?" And the only thing I could say was "I'm working on it."
Like I don't know what the hell "better" means. Is it being the old fake perfect me? Going to church every week? Smiling and laughing at the right times?
Is that "better"?
Mom I don't even remember ever feeling good so I don't know how you expect me to get there.
People don't want to hear that you're struggling. They want to hear that you are getting better and if you are not getting better then you might as well just hurry up and die. Stop wasting their time.
Idk that's really dark and ******* up.
I'm just venting.

Going to sleep isn't hard anymore
I'm so tired of everything that the exhaustion just takes over my body
Because that is where I am supposed to be
I am supposed to be resting in the ground
I am supposed to be gone
Unscrewing a razor from a pencil sharpener is where I am instead
Shoving a toothbrush down my throat
I tried destroying myself completely and it didn't work
people got angry
So instead I will keep going bit by bit until I can finally disappear

I think the problem is that I can't stop seeing the world in black and white

I wanted to numb myself.
Read the panic in my eyes
You should be pleased.
"Please speak to me"
The walls tumbling down.
I nodded goodbye.
I didn't matter.
I wasn't going to hang around.
I headed for the door.
"Wait"

I don't know why I took metal to my skin
I don't know why I stopped eating
I don't know why I expect so much of myself.
All I know is that it's me.
I'm the issue
Blood used to scare me and now I crave it.
I don't understand what I did to myself.
I don't get why I changed so much
I scare myself.
I wish I was different
But I found out that wishing for the impossible just makes you start to blame other things.
If you want to get anywhere, sometimes you have to blame yourself.

I deserve to be buried in the ground.
A part of me wants to be gone.
A piece of me needs to stay.
I hate me.
I can't fix anything ive done.
I've messed up my life so bad.
Maybe I changed too much.
I need to go back.
But I can't.
I need to work a hundred times harder to get the future I used to want.
I need to be okay.
I'm not okay.
I want to hurt myself.
I need to die.
I don't want to do this anymore.
Its okay.
I'm getting over it.
Breathe.

I had someone tell me that you can't really be broken.
I wanted to call them a liar.
I have felt broken, haven't you?
You think and worry and turn into something else. You panic and attack yourself. You hate who you are. By now you have pretended so much that you don't know who you are anymore. Your thoughts change, your personality changes, you change. You will never go back to how you were.. It won't ever be the same.
I don't know about you, but I classify that as broken.
You can be fixed, you just won't ever be the way you were before.

Bullying *****
It messes people up
I still remember the words that they would stab into my back.
I remember watching the flock of perfect swans weaving through the crowd praying that they wouldn't see me.
People can be brutal.
But people grow up and we learn how to deal with the daggers.
We learn how to deal with the rumors that infect our heads leaving traces of poison for years.
I also learned that believing them was easier.
Believing that I was the problem.
That I was nothing.
They were right
I was dumb.
I knew it was wrong, I know it is wrong.
I let myself get bullied
because I deserved it.
I went to school knowing that the bullying was going to happen, knowing I was going to lose.
I remember thinking
"Just bully me
I need it, I am not worth anything"
When I switched schools the bullying stopped.
Without being bullied, without being judged, without anxiety
I just wasn't me anymore.
I was still dumb, I was still the problem, I still needed to have something hurt me.
Since no one would do it for me, I guess I just started to do it to myself.
But what is scary about being your own bully, is that you can't run.
You can't escape your own head
And when you say
"Just bully me"
To yourself
You listen and its hard to stop

Nothing is wrong.
And even if something is I'm not going to tell you.
Go away.
Give it time.
Leave.
Thank you.

I'm sitting in my car
shaking
I hate myself
I hate myself
staring at the dark water
its hard to stay in the car
the water has a florescent vacant sign blinking
come stay here
the water is dark and reflective
haunting
It's getting bad again
I want to strap 30 lbs to my chest and jump
but we haven't  had a family picture
I haven't said goodbye
I'm obese
I cannot be remembered as fat
I am going to slice myself up
like a butcher chopping up meat
I can feel it
but I don't want my parents to know
They can't know
Cause if they knew I would be isolated
I would be controlled
and hell I don't want to be ******* controlled
I don't want to be this big
I don't want to ruin my life
so I will just stare at water
praying that one day I will run out of excuses
I will be brave enough to jump
with a weight that won't let me come up
hair floating
body limp
It's sad, but beautiful
I think I've officially lost it
the worst part is that I honestly don't care.

I am going insane
I am drowning in myself
I am drowning in this car
Watching the water run down the windows
Tears run down my cheeks
I fit right in
Pretty rainbow wax mixing into a blob
It's like my head
It started out pretty but now it's mixed
Two deaths one week
They took their lives
Two deaths one week
Why do I want to be a third
I don't really
My head is just mixed
I need to get out of this car wash
I need to get out of my brain.

Did you know cherry pits contain cyanide?
Five cherry pits could **** you
But only if they are broken.
That’s what my heart is full of, cyanide.
The outside of cherries are red and beautiful.
Hearts love, it’s so appealing.
But the inside could **** you.
My heart is broken
Wait, not broken. It’s shattered.
So watch out because if you take me in
I could **** you.
I’m sorry.

I can't please you.
No matter what I say you are going to be mad at me.
You are going to be mad at everything.
I know I'm not good enough for you.
I know that I don't say that right things.
I know you get sick of me.
I am sick of myself.
Throw me away then.
Why are you trying.
Why don't you give up.
I want you to give up.
Can't you see that?
I don't want you to care.
Okay?
You can't make me do anything.
It's my choice.
Everything is.

Here I am again
Sitting against the door
Shaking hands
Shaking chin
Water splashing on the floor
I try so hard to calm back down
Make the monsters run away
I never invited them over
They just barged in and demanded to play
I thought I locked them out for good
I was happy again
Until now
Now I hear them calling me out
No ignoring them anymore
So here is what I have to choose
My poison
Number one or two?
Both will **** you
But which kind do you want?
Neither? Well that's too bad cause you're picking one up.

Sometimes I just sit up in my bed
Because the pain hits me like a bullet
I can't be stuck in those sheets
In my head anymore
I'm shattered
it's 4:00am and I can't go back to sleep
I can't relax
Because everything is wrong
I am a circle and people are trying to shove me through a square hole.
I don't fit
I am living the wrong life
I can't be who everyone wants me to be.
I'm sorry
I'm not a square.

I can't sit up.

you know that classic love story
the boy sees the girl
she has beautiful shining hair and perfect skin
a smile that radiates like the sun
their eyes meet and they feel a spark.
well i have never heard a love story about a girl with a zitty face
a girl who wears big hoodies and sweatshirts everyday to hide her body that has too much flesh
a girl who
a girl whose smile is more fake than the foundation that she slams on her face to give the illusion of good skin
is that all we care about in this life?
the illusion of perfect
the illusion that the scars on her skin are from a cat
the illusion that you make so your parents can be proud of you
the illusion that living doesn't hurt like hell everytime you open your eyes
the illusion that everytime you wake up youre not terrified to live another day
i will never have a classic love story
because most days i wear big hoodies
because most days i can't smile
because most days i put my hair in a bun
because most days my face is exploding with red spots
suicidal depressed girls don't get happily ever afters.
in this story
the boy will look at the girl
he will see her
and he will look away.

Tonight something in my brain clicked.
I am affecting others lives.
Alot.
So instead of looking sad.
Instead of sitting alone in my room.
Instead of being addicted to myself..
I need to fake happy better.
I need to fake everything more.
I do enough damage to myself.
I don't want to do that to someone else.
A gear in my head..
Just clicked.
Now I know..
I need to forget myself.

I'm sitting on the edge of a cliff just waiting for the ground underneath me to
g i v e
Maybe if I was more grateful.. maybe I just need to stop being so selfish and
g i v e
I should just take my life and let someone else have the responsibility. I will just
g i v e
g i v e
g i v e
Its all I can do other than taking.

I feel better
I feel like an altered dress
Fixed so that I can fit onto this life
But this life has nothing left
Nothing is right
No pink in my cheeks
Or green in my eyes
Water color paint brushes
Slowly filling with more plain
I try to paint a picture
Its hard without color
I try but eventually
I give up
When you bleed clear
When your world turns black and white
Its hard to get life back to the way it was.
I guess I'm just colorblind now
Careful you could become colorblind too.

You left today
I heard it from a friend
You're not coming back.
I'm happy for you
You won't have to be in this prison
Stuck in a box of thoughts
I wonder what life is like for you now.
What are you going to do
without me
without us.
I hope you don't think about me
Please don't.
Just think of me as an old friend
We used to talk
We used to be close
We used to share secrets that no one else would ever understand.
Sit in a empty car for hours and fill it with our deepest fears and dreams until they would seep out the windows.
Its okay that you left without saying bye
You didn't want to risk me pulling you back in.
I don't either.
So thank you
Because of you I know for a
fact that I'm the problem.
I'm contagious.
Don't catch me.

I will never have the courage to die
I know its probably wrong to say it that way
but its true.
If I was brave
If I wasn't afraid
If I didn't care if I broke my parents hearts
I would not be here
and that is a sad fact
but its true.

I'm creaking.
My knees are creaking from being worn too soon.
My mind is creaking from all the thoughts getting worn down and they don't make sense anymore.
Like the gate to an old farm with the metal worn, and the hinges tight.
My life is creaking with the old.
My life needs some oil..
I need something new.
Everything is creaking.
I don't like the sound.
I need to figure out how to make it stop.

the tequila melting down my throat has the same burn as the antifreeze
I want to ******* drown in it

Dancers can't have eating disorders.
We are meant to be thin.
We are made this way
We are made to hide food
to starve
to throw it up
As long as no one sees us
As long as we can fake it
Cause as dancers
We have to fake it till we make it
And we aren't going to make
it if we are as fat as pigs.
People don't like watching hogs dance.
Don't worry the mirrors will tell us if we are the size of a stick or a stump.
So no I don't have an eating disorder
Dancers can't have those.
We are created this way.

{SM}

A little white fluff on a green stem.
The green stem blends with the surrounding grass.
When I wanted my dreams to come true my eight year old breath would blow the white fluff.
The sun would make the flurries sparkle and dance in the summer breeze.
It truly was magical.
I believed in fairies and wizards.
I remember the day my uncle got upset because I blew magic all over his perfectly green lawn.
My uncle informed me that apparently the fluff was a ****
not magic at all.
There is an innocence to not knowing.
The part of me that believed in magic and princesses disappeared.
I guess people have two choices in life
They can see a ****
Or they can see
magic.

you taught me to drive
you taught me that family is most important
that adventures are always there if you look
you love me
out in the driveway teaching me how to shoot hoops
in the house eating cereal out of a mixing bowl
you told me I could be whatever I wanted to be
kissing mom on the forehead
you tell mom beautiful things that make her smile
hearing the garage door and running to give you a hug
laughing and crying
"if someone gives you an opportunity, take it"
waking up to a knock on my door on a Sunday "I made breakfast"
running at 5am and talking about life and why the earth turns
eating oats on the back porch on our red chairs
redbox and pizza and football
getting a drink from the hose
you could make the meanest tacos
putting a big arm around me and saying "I sure am proud of you beautiful girl of mine"
crying wishing hoping wanting
wanting this back
thank you
I love you and miss you daddy
college is hard
but I will make you proud.
sincerely, your little girl.

lately i have been dissipating,
trying to vanish.
not die,
but not live.
there are clouds of smoke where my brain used to reside,
now you could classify me as a shell of a human.
this is my own fault,
right?
i became vulnerable
i handed him my heart.
i expected him to do the same,
but he deceived me.
he let my heart shatter on the floor.
i set his beating soul down next to me as i was picking up the pieces of mine that he had carelessly dropped.
turns out he picked up his heart from beside me without me noticing.
when i stood up i handed him the shards of my soul because that’s what you do in a relationship,
right?
you trust that person with those delicate pieces of yourself.
he then continued to grind the fragments of my heart into a fine powder
put it in pill capsules,
and took them as he walked away to a better option.
now he takes a daily dose of me.
he has his heart and mine and a piece of whatever girl he decides to make, no fake, whatever girl he decides to fake love to that night.
what do i have left?
absolutely nothing.
he has left me completely hollow.
heartless sleepless alone
and all i can do is keep waking up and wandering this empty life.
i am so utterly numb
i honestly can not feel right now.
i wish he would have at least given me some of my heart back,
even just half of a prescription.
i have lost myself
to his sick soul,
and it makes me feel absolutely nothing.
but hey,
at least i am making him feel better.
right?
at least the prescription is working for him.
i would hate to see it go to waste,
like the rest of myself.

dear friend
I dont know who you are
I dont know why I am sending this to you
but I need someone to know
I need someone to understand
that I'm broken glass
I just need to get rid of myself
throw myself away
you may never know who I am
and thats okay
I want to die
It has nothing to do with you
I just miss being a child
I miss finding joy in small things
I miss my puppy
I miss being okay
I think if I die I wont miss all these things so much
Im sorry im so self absorbed
I say "I" too much
"be a normal 18 year old, go have fun"
people keep leaving
I keep trying to be friends with people
Why do people hate me
normal is nonexistent
I hate myself.
I am getting bad again
the kind of bad where I dont eat for three days
the kind of bad where I stay up in the night to slice my paper skin
but also the kind of bad where I wake up and act like I am just peachy
I am not peachy
I am sliced in half
I am not whole anymore
I'm a fraction
I am worthless
I can't do this anymore
thanks friend for listening
you will probably throw this away
I wish you could throw me away too
sincerely,
me

I don't want to be wishing anymore.
I don't want to be alive anymore.
I want to become what I want.
So that's what I'm going to do.

I'm sitting here trying to put my thoughts into words.
Trying to take my mind and type it up
Everytime I start writing I delete it
Like my head
Whenever I start to think
I press delete
Delete my mind
Delete my soul
Delete me
I'm empty now
All this erasing has me hollow
An old dead tree
Looks strong on the outside
Empty on the inside
Just cut me down
Please cut me down
I don't want to be here
Death isn't beautiful, but neither is living.
I just want this bullet to press the delete button in my brain.
I wish I never existed.

I love you.
I just need you to hold me tight.
I know you can’t feel right now,
and I know that when you don’t feel,
you don’t care.
Sweetheart I’m just going to need you to stay right here with me.
I’m just sitting here watching you burn
Like a wildfire on a mountain
I can’t do anything about it
Except watch you turn to ashes.
I don’t want to stay
and watch your head burn up.
Baby please just hold me tight.
Tell me it’s all going to be alright.
You’re burning up
You’re pushing me away
You’re going to leave me
Don’t leave me
Please don’t leave.
I miss you.

i’m starting to dread living again
waking up everyday..
wishing i hadn’t.

i wish i didn’t have depression.

i wish i didn’t want a break from living.

i wish i could get over my head.

i have so much potential that is wasted because i’m insecure and can’t convince myself that i can accomplish anything.

living to me is so inconvenient.
i don’t want it.

i’ve grown accustomed to my head
learned to function with hating myself but
i just don’t want to do it anymore.

maybe i just need more meds to numb it so i can blindly glide through life like everyone else who never have to feel this ****.

i don’t even know what this **** is..
it’s sad.
and hopeless.
and exhausting.
and honestly i’m done.
i have been done.
but i have to keep going.
and it absolutely *****.