I prayed
and I was given
but I told God it was not to be

I took
what was not given

He will be back to claim her from me

All at once there was nothing to be held
but the threads of everything that I used to have,
unraveling between my fingertips

I know I have to let go
Cause threads, held onto too tight
They cut

And holding onto things already half unraveled
Like a cardigan
Or a stupid beanie
Doesn't
make
sense.

Cause these things,
half gone,
as much as I wish it could
A cardigan or a beanie

    can
no longer  

                       keep
                              me

              
                                           warm

I'm sorry I can't be everything you wanted
After everything you have been for me
I guess all I've done is cause disappointment and hurt
This is not how love should be.
I hope one day you find better
Someone who will cherish every inch of what you can give
I hope one day you'll forgive me for being so selfish
And maybe you can learn to love me different
And we can start anew
And maybe I'm just being naive
But please don't doubt that I have loved you

the hands that hold me

with the tenderest of touch

are the hands that hold me tightest

and my soul they will crush

If only you could see
how
    much
                
            you've


br
      o
            
k
e
      n


                         me.

They say time heals all wounds.


            Finally the tears have fallen
                                              
           ­                              They've been so stubborn lately



                                                       ­                    Perhaps time has forgotten


                                                                                           about me.

How have you managed

                                                   to break down my walls



                                 

                                   with a small plea




You have unraveled me.

we didn't fade
we were eternal

we just broke.

a taste of freedom
so bittersweet

                                      freshness.


a­ sugar crystal on my tongue.

but the sugar will soon dissolve.



                                                  ma­ke way for salt on the back of my throat.

Somebody please tell me what the hell is going on
Why am i still crying and where has my love gone
For a brief moment in time I thought he was still there
with his beautiful scruffy face, and his curly hair
but then i looked a little closer and realized his eyes had dimmed
he struck once,
struck twice
I realized that man wasn't him.

Karma's got me by the neck.

The more i chase after my own happiness,
the more you hurt,
the more i hurt.


So i will stop wanting things. Have no expectations.


                      I guess im just not entitled to happiness of my own.


I'll swallow it one more time,

Then maybe god will see my plight.
Then maybe next time round


                               It'll be my turn.        


  
                                              ­                                     to be happy.

It's a deep deep despair

The feeling of losing oneself,
to find someone else.

Losing your own sanity
to maintain another's

Losing the light in your skies
to shed a little on someone else's world


Yes, im most positively lost.
roaming in the eyes of too many I hold so close

it grips my throat.

i wish you'd fight for me
for once in your life, go after something and hold onto it
i wish you'd fight for me
and for everything you believe we could be together
i wish you'd fight for me
because maybe, just maybe i could make you happy and all i really wanna see is that happiness you wear so well in your eyes instead of across your teeth.
i wish you'd fight for me
maybe then i'd know for that i am actually wanted the same way i want you
i wish you'd fight for me
so i can stop questioning like a stupid infatuated girl
i wish you'd fight for me
fight for me like i have been fighting myself for you
i wish you'd fight for me
but i know inside you never will.

Im growing up.
what i want is changing,
a little more everyday.
My mind tells me i don't want this anymore.
sometimes it screams so loud inside this shell of a skull
telling me i need to get out
go
leave.

But i cant.

When i look a you lying next to me sleeping
my heart stands still because you lie in my arms
trusting me.
its like a cliche scene in some advert on tv.
i can hear the music in the background as the light shines on your face
and suddenly everything is still and slow-mo
and all i can feel is your soft breath on my chest and everything is alright
i touch your eyelashes so softly and your eye will do that little flicker
and you'll rub your nose and shift a little, but still soundly asleep.
ill kiss your forehead and whisper that i love you
because i do.
believe me i do.
But i dont know whats right anymore because i dont think that my love will ever match up to yours if i stay
and you'll keep telling me that's okay
but its not.

So let me go and please dont cry.
because i'm not worth the tears
someday you'll understand why..

I've had it with trying to decode all these hidden messages left behind for me. The i love yous that have no follow up. The i miss yous but ill keep my distance. The tip toe steps you take around me. All i need is a little honestly. For ******* once some honesty from people so that i know that im not a fool like im made to think i am. Waiting around for people to finally give me back the same amount i give them. Does. it. end.

I'm not afraid of not being loved.
I'm afraid of being told i'm not worth fighting for.

sometimes i search for you
in the corners of my mind
where im dying to get out
and keep running until i find
what we used to be
the things we used to share
im trying to find YOU
so please, are you still there?

out of my mind today
trying to come back down to earth
i refuse to sleep
i aint tired
i insist
you see its just that
its just that
im finally alone
with myself
my thoughts
so im not all that alone
but there is no expectation or responsibility
like lifes other relationships
there is no relationship like my relationship with myself
and i need to be alone
i am finally alone.
i love it
cause i cant face people anymore
i dont know how to
while still liking myself
someone please take me away

it was like yesterday
letting my mother see me weak
for the first time
in so long
it was like yesterday
when i sat on her bed
trying to swallow emotion
that was crawling its way up my throat
gripping harder than reality
it was like yesterday
i begged her
i cried
and i begged her
it was like yesterday
"please"
"please i dont want to go"
"i cant face them"
"i cant face any of it"
it was like yesterday
i let my guard down
"i dont want to go to school dont make me go please"
it was like yesterday*
sobbing
a mess
she didnt touch me
no comfort
no ounce of sympathy on her face
"you go"

"please, no"

"you go"

she always made me face it
she always made me face it
i always had to face it


its been 4 years.
"please dont make me go"
maybe if i beg one more time it'll work today

my life
is at
a stand still
everything is
broken
into these tiny *******
little
pieces
that i cant put
back
to
gether
and i dont understand any of it
and i cant move to change it
its like a nightmare
its like quick sand
its like nothing
but all at once
and
i
feel
so
alone

i am not insignificant
i am worth it
i am not stupid
i am not blind
i am not ugly and unwanted
my efforts were not for nothing
my pain is justified
my feelings are real
i am not over-exaggerating
i am not taking it too far
i am not selfish
i am not attention seeking
i am not alone
i am not useless
i am not a bad person
i am just a little br
                                     oke
                                            n.

im in between. in between loving and hating you cause how can i hate you. but then again this vessel is out of sympathy. im in between. in between screaming and keeping dead silent, trying to decide which might hit harder. cause im in between. in between trying to hate you and push you out of my life, and keeping you close cause i dont want to lose you and the only thing worse than pushing you away is seeing you stop trying to pull me back. im in between, in between wanting to be a good person cause when all is dead and gone i have my soul left to be proud of. but then again this old soul has gotten me nowhere and given me no good. im in between wanting to be stupid and blissful and naive about life like you. but i'd rather have my eyes too wide open then sleep in ignorance at night. im in between loving and completely hating myself for changing because im weak and sometimes i think i deserve to be and i need to stop beating myself up about it but why, why couldnt i just stay the same and confident in my actions because it was the right thing to do. why am i so **** in between why cant i be on one side of the spectrum for once. the right side.  maybe then someone will notice that i am stuck in between my own realities and idealistic fantasies that are turning to dust and falling through my fingers a little more everyday.

to hide
but be seen more often
to give less of myself
but be caring and kind
to be grateful
but not place so much value in things
and to love
but feel less

i was made to love
such was my programming.
but every system has flaws
and when my love catches fire
and blazes into the sky
pulling my heart out with it
i retreat
i get scared
how do i love again
when it has cost me so much
how do i deny my makings
when there is a glitch in the system
how do i fix myself
when the damage has been done by foreign hands
there are no instructions
at least not in a language i understand.
no one can help me
but
me.
but i dont trust myself anymore
and so i am stuck.
i try to be loving
i try to go back
but in trying i am hurting
because you dont deserve it
because i put myself at risk again anyway

you will never stop hurting me
but i will stop letting you.








eventually.

Some nights
holding on to your words
feels like i'm losing grip of me

Remember when we went to the barrage and had a picnic?
yeah that was nice. all those crazy photos and swatting away ants from our picnic mat. Do you remember that time you were grounded for months? and i was the only one who could come over and we'd play in your garden with the garden hose all afternoon and then have dinner in our drenched clothes. Do you remember that time we got drunk on breezers and my mum had to come pick us up? she was mad for so long after that and didnt want us to see each other but we did. many times. to have apple pie from macdonalds or just to talk about boys. Do you remember that time your mom found out you were smoking and i took the wrap for you and let her believe it was under my influence that you did so. she called me up and demanded answers from me and threatened to call my mom. Do you remember when we went for that camp together and cried like babies thinking about how small we've become since growing up in this world with people who don't understand us like we do each other? we made a pact to forgive all those people but we needed each others help. Do you remember us both crying about our first heartbreaks? It was so unfair because it was never our faults that it didnt work out. it was just never the right time or place. Thats how the universe pushed us together, we'd find each other in all the wrong times and it was the most beautiful thing. Do you remember when i found out you lied. Again, and then that other time. You told me it was a phase and its over. but the phases keep coming on. Do you remember the look on my face? did you notice it at all. cause thats the face when i knew everything that was coming out of your mouth was a lie. Why? i never understood. was i not accepting enough? Do you not remember everything we've been through or was it just never enough. Do you remember all that we used to be? Do you remember kicking up the leaves? Do you remember our plans to travel the world. Do you remember ME..?

have you benefited from me?
this friendship
this love
is there anything more i can give you?
so your heart
i can touch

you try
everyday
and i know that it gets tough
but distance would mean the world to me
if only you understood that much

i know what its like in your shoes
trust me
i know
i do
but i also know that this is the only way
to stop me from hurting you

to answer your question
you have
ive learnt that sometimes the truth
can only serve to break someone
and so ill keep lying to you

your life cannot benefit from my honesty
and something i know too well
is that sometimes people grow better
without me
sometimes i just shouldnt tell

im sorry i know you dont understand
and perhaps you never will
but my heart it hurts for you everyday
but soon youll learn to tell your heart
"be still"