i used to write
i'm not sure what made me stop

i suppose maybe it was the small glimmer of hope that began to appear.
the happy smile that i actually felt and not faked for once.
i wasn't sad for a moment
i wasn't anxious
i was simply caught in time

but you could say i'm back
because when it comes to notes, it's real
when it comes to looking back on my thoughts it's real
when it comes to eating less and less it's real
when it comes to crying more it's real
when it comes to questioning my sanity it's real
when it comes to wanting to disappear again ... it's real

hello depression, here i am
ready to be consumed again
ready to get lost in the dark hole that's so incredibly hard to climb out of

i guess i just couldn't stay away
maybe i was meant to be sad
after all, it got me to write again ay?

I feel like I'm suffocating in a room full of people but no one can see that I'm dying
and no one knows how to save me and I can't tell them because I've lost the ability to breathe
so I'm left gasping for air that I just can't seem to find
and I'm left struggling to get help that only I can offer

I've become accustomed to it
"Oh the pain, THE AGONY"
I repeat to myself trying to make things seem,

well, better. But I'm only making it worse
Wasting time saying phrases in hope that stress will magically leave my body forever
Belittling my feelings, thoughts, and emotions
Why do I continue?
Continue to continue
Repeatedly putting myself in worrisome situations, knowing the outcome, but constantly trying to avoid the reality of it all

You would think that if I were driving on a road, noticing a hazard, I would swerve. But not me

What do I do?
Constantly continue to put myself in situations I know will be hard

And yet, I have become accustomed to this feeling of stress, tension , and an overwhelming conscience

But somehow, whenever it strikes, it feels as though it's the first time I've been affected.

currently
I feel as though I should just lay all my feelings out on the table. maybe talking, well actually writing, will help serve as a release or rather a filler. some days I feel empty and other days I fill full. so many emotions to the point of feeling numb. it's like nothing's necessarily wrong but they're obviously not right either. I don't know why I'm still having a hard time. it's like I'm always on and off and on and off again. one day I'm okay the next day im practically miserable and it's all a vicious cycle that I can't get rid of. I'm a walking contradiction and I hate feeling bad but then again, I'm afraid not to. because whenever something good comes along it doesn't stay. I don't know what's wrong with me but suddenly I feel like the most horrible human being alive. I feel pathetic and worthless and full of tears that just don't have enough energy to flow. I'm not motivated. I'm here but I'm not here. I'm moving but I'm not going anywhere and suddenly i don't know what's happening. this is how it always starts. but this time I thought that i would be stronger and I wouldn't let depression and anxiety haunt me anymore but every time seems like the first but I'm just all so used to it but I can't change it. I just feel so low and alone because I am low and alone and there's no one here for me, like genuinely here for me in the way I need them to be. and I'm continuously hoping for better to come but I know once better comes it won't last. I'm just tired of feeling miserable and then feeling selfish for feeling miserable and frankly, I'm not getting enough attention and some attention would be nice right now but my mind is the only one keeping me company lately. I just freak out over the little things and I lose track of why I even got upset in the first place and I end being a complete mess. I'm turning into a complete mess and I really don't want to.

it's like trying to think the glass is half full and who will be there when you fall again how the windows are locked and the floor has been burnt and how soon until this is my past and how long

I adore you.
for your thoughts and the ideals that are effortlessly created in your head.
the way it is so easy for you to speak of reality in public but when you're all alone you're not so sure you even agree with your views.
I adore you for the way you try to keep yourself together for the sake of others concern.
you never wanted to be a burden
you never wanted to be pitied
you never wanted to show weakness
and I adore you for being so strong you fail to realize your own potential.
you're a self-inflicting walking contradiction but to every one else you're seen as the one that has it all figured out.
and for that, I adore your hope and your will to pick yourself up after the countless times life has knocked you down.
you are one to be adored,
my love.

I've been at this whole depression and anxiety thing for far too long and it's like how many times do I have to keep pulling myself back up when life knocks me down

I find it hard to write about one single thing when there are so many thoughts in your head.
I find it hard to sleep when all you can think about is your future and what you'll do for the rest of your life.
I find it hard to do homework when all you can hear are the screams coming from your parents bedroom door.
I find it hard to let things go when you've never gotten an apology.
I find it hard to think when anxiety is the only thing keeping you company.
I find it hard to be happy when everything around you is just so sad.

stand-alone in the cold
with spotlight providing you with an open door to a vacant, dark dungeon.
take the chance
take the risk
be honest
say what you have to say
but you must stand-alone in the cold
and use your own two feet to walk forward.
in-the-moment rapid decisions
and in-the-moment thoughts that pass too fast to differentiate between right and wrong or taboo and a pat on the back.
so you must subconsciously decide between what you truly want to do or what you know is morally right.
take the first option and find yourself with several misfortunate events after another.
but at least you were honest right?
take the second option and find yourself in another uncomfortable situation followed by a loss of feelings and logic with an unreachable resolution.
burden to add to the pile or burden to add to the pile.
there is no win-win.
there is no win-lose.
there is only lose-lose and so therefore you must ask yourself which one provides you with less lost in the -.05 seconds you have to ponder on it.

happy birthday

anticipated this feeling for as long as I could remember
the rule breaking rebel infested mystical theory of the coming of age, age.
and surprisingly I am affected
I am content
I am satisfied
I am not as disappointed or rather unbothered by the hyped societal numbers that defined your teenage years
and now I wonder if this makes me just like everyone else based on my feelings or based on my new found character limit
I can, however, admit that it feels good
it feels fulfilling to know that through everything you've made it this far no matter how many times you woke up wishing you hadn't
it's a reassuring simple gesture that maybe life is hope or hope is life or that maybe there is something I haven't experienced quite to the fullest extent as to keep me alive for every 12 months after the next.
no, I am not happy
no, I am not overjoyed
but I can honestly say that I don't feel as bad as I thought I would.

undefined relationship involving little commitment and very high expectations.
worldwide view of what can not be has been.
incapable of sharing perspectives but always pushed to view a distant companion's.
attitudes from hormones.
anger from the force of creating our everlasting future.
so close.
so very close.
yet, imbalanced.
two humans that engage in everyday contemplations,
one knows more than the other.
uncomfortable walls that were once torn down seem to make their way up again.
ignorance from the second party as to why the problems ever arose
and neither has an answer.
why be afraid of places you have never been before?
and both have an obvious answer.
in-the-moment happiness that was never produced to go any farther,
nevertheless last.
this undefined relationship, where words were left unsaid and thoughts were never spoken, have a mutual agreement of the best time of their lives.
-mxy

question: do we lose ourselves in the midst of romanticizing or do we unravel our true selves.

response: do we lose who we are in the idealistic view of our romantic quests or do we unveil a trait of ourselves that has been there all along? hiding behind the perfect life you saw yourself having before your heart shattered in little tiny pieces when your utopian view took on another perspective. recognizing yourself in a dark state that was clouded by your 'cherry-kissed' outlook on love, you see who you really are. the good, the bad, and the ugly transformed into the hopeless romantic who has only experienced their first heartbreak to then examine every characteristic of themselves and determine if they were 'in the wrong'. your romantic expectations turning you into someone you're not is the controversial topic. but what if it was just the romanticizing that grounded you and brought you back to reality? what if it was the romanticizing that expressed your honest self? what if it were for all of the childhood fantasies and teenage dreams that helped you realize who you want to be with? what if it were for all of the traumatic experiences and unfulfilled relationships  that helped you realize the person you truly are.
-mxy

stripped naked in the figurative sense, I see a girl that is far overdue for a dose of joy. so much emptiness in her eyes, blood flow has become invisible. beauty. oh so much beauty in the way she cares absolutely too much for those that are unaware of her favorite color nevertheless asks how she feels every blue moon. perfectionist could quite possibly be her middle name by the way her heart beats in sync with the spontaneous moods that show their appearance every two days or so. anxiety equals a rapid beat. "if you feel worried then you must act on it" seems to be her philosophy because when she's sad and shaky the heart must go slow.
for,
she.
is.
slow.
when the depression hits and vulnerability only shows its face behind closed doors im sure she would say that she feels as though she's suffocating. suffocating in the figurative sense, where everyone is there watching her but no one can differentiate heavy breathing in basketball practice from a ******* asthma attack.
idiots.
so numb. she's so numb in the figurative sense. you ask her how she is and each time it's an automated "good" as if practiced hundreds of times before a theatre performance. an actress. she's an actress in the literal sense. planting a smile from ear to ear even when it's an obvious gloomy day for everyone else. she puts on a show of happiness that could very much earn her an oscar, if only she were literally in the entertainment business. I can see her falling in the way her back hunches just 10 degrees lower than it had a year ago. I would recommend a doctors appointment but im hoping she learns to fix it on her own. I'm hoping it begins to appear in someone around her that maybe she isn't as okay as she seems. this beautiful perfectionist doesn't just have bad days and doesn't just spare her low moods in spite of upsetting those around her. this beautiful perfectionist doesn't see herself as beautiful. this beautiful perfectionist is so far from perfect.
maybe if someone looked a little deeper in the literal and figurative sense, they would choose to ask, after her automated response of "good", "are you really?"
-mxy

smothering you.
something I never intended to do
never really something anyone intentionally does
it kinda
sorta
just
happens.
and for that, I am sorry.
I am sorry for the double texts
I am sorry for the endless questions
I am sorry for making you feel like you were being suffocated by my presence
I am sorry for hovering over every detail you refused to share with an empty soul I call mine
I am sorry for causing you to suffer through the life experience of having me to be someone that loves you
I am sorry I smothered you
I am sorry you never smothered me too
-mxy

She was only still alive because she was told,
Take it one day at a time, "trust me, it'll get better".
Everyday, she woke up hoping,
That was the day.
That was the day it was going to get better.
It's been years now.
She woke up and asked herself "when will it end"?
It never did, so she ended herself.
-mxy

I just want that one person in my life to finally care. to care about how my day went or to care if I finished my homework. someone that cares about
my relationship with my parents and the well being of my pet. I want someone to have those late night conversations with and share the what seems to be confusing to other people, inside jokes, but that makes so much sense to us. I want someone to ask how I am every once in a while and give me relationship advice on my newest crush. I want someone to be here for me and where I can be there for them too. where we connect on tons of different emotional levels. someone who doesn't always have to have a deep conversation but that can if need be. someone I can automatically look at and know what they're thinking just by their ****** expression. I want that someone for me. and I want that someone to want me to be that someone for them too.

-mxy

My life is full of what ifs
And to be honest, I question everything.
I guess it's just apart of my nature. Never really thought it intrigued anyone or meant anything.
But what if it did.

what are you pretending not to know
what are you constantly hiding from the people you think love you
because you never know for sure
you never know for sure right?
and that bothers you
it's what you pretend not to know
you know they love you
you know they do
why must you pretend
why must you avoid
why must you not be strong enough to to accept reality
you pretend not to know almost every bit of news
you pretend not to know the obvious stated right in front of you
what are you afraid of
do you fear rejection
is that why you act so oblivious
is that why you act so ignorant
I AM ASKING YOU WHAT ARE YOU PRETENDING NOT TO KNOW
BECAUSE HONEY, I KNOW YOU
I KNOW WHAT YOURE HIDING
JUST TELL ME
WHAT ARE YOU PRETENDING NOT TO KNOW
I'm sorry, but the act is over
please take off the mask
it's for your own good
I promise
and you know that
you're just pretending not to.
-mxy

I'm afraid to fall back and I'm afraid to give in, yet it seems like the only thing on my mind. I'm afraid you'll judge my choices and you'll distance yourself from me. I'm afraid to let go because of the little bottle cap of hope in my heart that someone will pull the rope and cuddle all my sorrows away. I'm afraid you'll leave just like the rest and id be left alone with the thoughts still wandering in my head. I'm afraid to show people who I really am in fear of rejection, pity, or annoyance. I'm afraid to actually worry about myself because I think I've reached the point of insanity with no safety mechanism. I'm afraid to be stuck with nothing to look forward to and anxiety from the past. I'm afraid to never be loved; truly loved by someone who knows the very inch of my hair and my favorite rhetorical question. I'm afraid to let go but I'm afraid to keep holding on too. I guess I'm just afraid of fear or oblivion or the world or my mind or myself or the stars or my best friend. And to be completely honest, I'm afraid to no longer know what I'm afraid of anymore. maybe it's everything. or maybe it's truly nothing at all.
-mxy