usually,
i would be asleep at 1:00 am.
but, not today

i’m thinking about you.
even though it’s past midnight,
that doesn’t mean that you’re out of my mind,
it’s like you don’t cross it,
but you stay in it.

you know,
sometimes i wonder,
how to get you out of my mind?

my eyes are staring blankly at the sky,
and my messy thoughts are suddenly speaking

are you doing just fine?
are you laughing?
or are you enjoying the time that's passing?

i closed my eyes and you were here,
blurry in my mind,

and my messy thoughts were suddenly speaking again,

are you thinking about me like i'm thinking about you?

i never once cared about you,
who's always holding her tightly in your arms.

but earlier, i was thinking about it and
three hours went by painfully slow.

my tears were streaming down my face,
just thinking about you and her.

the pain in my heart,
never left.

tidak disadari, langit yang biru berubah
menjadi warna oranye dan ungu muda.
perpaduannya pun sangat indah,
ditemani pula oleh kicauan burung yang sunyi.

selang waktu berjalan, hati semakin berat,
pena dan kertas, aku bertemu lagi denganmu.
langit yang indah tiba tiba berteriak,
seperti singa yang mengaung ditengah ladang.

apakah mungkin, bahwa kita melihat langit yang sama?
perbedaan waktu yang tidak masuk akal, ingin membuatku
menguras air di lautan yang biru,
yang menghalangi pertemuan kita.

gila, bukan?
aku berbicara kepada kertas putih,
layaknya kertas ini adalah sahabatku,
atau kuping yang selalu mendengar.

tangisan hati pun terlalu keras, malam ini.
langit yang indah, sekarang bersaturasi,
menjadi warna abu abu yang gelap,
jadi ini, toh.

ini, yang dinamakan
berbicara kepada kertas,
saat air mata milik senja,
turun dari langit.

i could never
love you too much,
it's either i die for you-
or i **** for you.

it's not like he's not thinking about me,
i never crossed him mind, not even once.

it was straight up running through an avalanche,
letting a self-destruct bomb go off inside me.

my atoms were slowly destructed one by one,
parts of me are taken away by the ghosts.

how does it feel like when the lovebug bit?
i never got butterflies, just tantrums in my head.

it's a desolation,
the thrills you caused are nothing now.

do you ever think about me?

it's no doubt that you're someone
who means a lot to me,
a boy full of joy, happiness,
who also radiate love and eternal glow.

i watched you cry, and i also watched you suffer.
blame me for assuming,
but i know you're hurting once or twice,
and you hid it with your grin.

how could someone be so selfless,
how could someone be so true,
how could someone be so pure,
and how could someone be so endearing.

you put me in bliss,
makes me feel like i'm laying
in a bed made of flowers,
and a blanket that is sewed with your love.

you were standing across from me,
and i have to admit, you look like...
someone who fell from heaven because
you look so gorgeous.

your dyed blonde hair was falling freely to your eyes,
and your hazel brown eyes were drop dead beautiful.
you were also tall, and it makes me giggle,
is this love at first sight?

i had the strong urge,
to approach you and call you by your name,
and i was really dreading to ask you something,

i don't know you, but
do you wanna get
a cup of coffee with me?

everything is falling apart,
now that you found someone else.

it is heart wrenching and
you can see my heart breaking
bits by bits,
pieces by pieces.

it hurts me,
seeing you happy with someone else.
but i'm okay with it,
because it's you.

can't you see i'm smiling even though i'm hurting?
i'm hanging in there, don't you see?
so stop asking me if i'm fine, or not.

because i'm not, and i'm hiding it from you.

the stars
thanks to them that i’m able to write this
they keep me content and they’re the ones
who can hear my thoughts.

can they hear me thinking about you?

about your eyes,
your perfectly plump lips,
your dark brown hair,
your raspy and baritone voice

oh,

of course they can.
i thought out loud, as always.

my throat is burning, really.
it's so dry that it feels like my throat is a dessert.
i'm in need of something to soothe the burning sensation.
but, another thing-

i'm not interested in crystal clear liquid,
also known as water.

i want a liquid that contains your love in it,
a liquid of love.
something that i can swallow without
having second thoughts.

because i wanna know
how it feels like
being drunk in love.
being drunk in your love.

have you ever wondered,
that the person you love the most
can actually hurt you more
than you've ever been hurt before?

because i didn't know that,
until i'm experiencing it myself.
i can tell you,
i really does... hurt.

the darkness of the night consumed me,
my heart is dull and i'm heaving for air

i’m sorry, mom.

i didn't mean to shout,
i didn't mean to argue,
i didn't mean to slam the door,
and i didn't mean to get mad

the regret left my lips as i exhaled deeply,
my hands grasping on my blanket
while tears are furiously streaming down
my dark orbs

you are always so soft to me,
caressing me in your arms,
like i am an angel born into this world,
you treasure me so much.

9 months,
the pain that you had to endure while
carrying me in your belly,
walking around like you're okay

and years,
the struggle that you had to go through
while raising me and my brother as your child,
smiling through it all like you’re okay

i am yet to give you what you deserve,
mommy, please wait for me.

without realizing it,
when i'm laughing and smiling,
i'm still keeping
a lot of pain in my whole body.

the walls that i've built,
can actually fall down in seconds.
i thought i was strong,
but i'm weak and fragile.

hiding your misery isn't an easy thing to do,
it's extremely painful and hard,
it's like the cruelest torture in this world.
do you wanna know how it feels like?

it feels like i'm being punched,
stabbed and pushed off of a building.
but oh yeah, how could you know?
you never experienced it before, right?

i am broken and bruised,
there's a scar in my heart
that's really difficult to erase.

i'm longing for a hug,
a warm embrace,
that could comfort me.

and then, i found you,
someone who i can rely on,
you're my shelter from the rain.

i found you,

my home.

it's catastrophic
when it blooms.
and when it rains,
i'm in a sisyphean loop.

no one seemed to believe,
even the impossibilities.
i refuse and i denied,
creating a new gravel path.

i'd rather suffer,
just to see you smile and be happy.

if you were sad,
i'd trade all of my happiness
for yours,
i would.

i guess,
we're willing to do anything
for the people we love,
am i right?

at nights like this,
i can only think about you.

as i put my headphones on,
i can hear your voice that soothes me
so loud, and
and so clear.

your voice,
your voice alone could keep me warm.

i might not have you in my arms,
but i can totally feel
your warmth
on this cold, cold night.

your warm hazel eyes are comforting,
so is your arm.
our limbs are tangled,
and your legs were on my waist.

i could say that
i'm the happiest person alive.

but when i open my eyes,
i realized that all of those are,
in my imagination.
the sound of the rain waking me up from my daydream.

i'm in my dull four walls,
all alone.

i have tons of wishes,
hundreds of them.

but i’m dying for one of my wishes,
to come true.

and that’s,

you.

you can make me feel like i'm in bliss,
but at the same time, you can wreck me,
like i'm a bubble who can pop at any time.

you make me so happy, that your smile-
is enough to make me feel joy.

but you also wreck me,
because it's not me,
i'm not the reason why you're smiling.

it's not me.
it's her.