i've always wanted that kind of love
where they stare at you laughing
because they love seeing you happy
the kind where they make you smile
to the point where you can't stop
the kind where they tell you
that you are beautiful
because you are to them
even if you don't see it yourself
the kind where they want to share every piece of them
so they write you poetry and create art about you
to prove how much they are in love with your everything
the kind where they love everything about you
and they tell you that all the time
just to remind you
the kind where they tell you they are thinking of you
just to let you know
they give you pieces of the future they want
and it fills your chest with longing
for that life
and i want it, baby
i want all of you
every single thing that makes you who you are
i want everything
the good and the bad side of you
the fighting, the arguing, the making up after
little kids and a house where we live forever
waking up beside you and falling asleep in your arms
walks in the park, going out on dates, and you singing songs
everything, baby, i want everything
i've never felt this feeling
i want you
i need you
and there are people who will be against us
and people who will try to tear us apart
and i've told people so many times
that i would wait for their hand to hold
but never kept those promises
i'm not proud, baby. i'm not proud.
but that was before i knew what love was
and now i know that i love you
and i promise with all my heart
that i will wait and be patient for you
i do not want anyone else
i want you. only you. my one and only.
and if i get into a lot of trouble loving you
then i will smile all the way through
and i will never let go
because you are so worth it, baby
you are worth everything
and for you, i would give up my soul
i would die to save you
i would give up my life to make you happy
i would do anything for you
i hope you understand
that if we are torn apart by people who don't like us
that i will wait for you
and think of you
and never love anyone else again
and one day, i will find you
but we don't need to worry about that
until it happens and it won't
i love you with all my heart, with everything in me
and i think we're meant to be
i will not back down without a fight
and i will fight until my last breath
because i love you
and there's still so much more i want to say

writing about you
mends my heart
just like your existence does
it's you baby
you're all i need

i can't argue without tears streaming down my face
i can't stand in a crowd without my hands shaking
i can't look at something even slightly sad without my heart breaking
i can't look in the mirror without hating everything
i can't speak my mind without feeling like i ruined something
i can't think of the future without my anxiety haunting me
i can't go to bed without it being hard to fall asleep
i can't stand up for myself without my voice shaking
i can't speak to you without my heart racing
i can't be me without being afraid you won't like me
and i can't help but think you won't really want me

I used to tear open my skin to release the pain inside
The addictive, luring touch of tools used to split open wrists
It was the only thing that felt right to do in times of despair
Loneliness and despondency clung to me like gum stuck to the bottom of a shoe
The only thing I could ever focus on was dragging a sharp object across my thin arms
That was me

Two years back on one April night I found a new shiny object
Tore it across my skin to numb a pain I can't quite remember now
Of course I did not realize that new objects have sharper touches
I went too deep...
I panicked like I was being pushed off a building, a fight to stay alive
Isn't it crazy how you think you want to die and the moment the possibility of death is in front of you, you battle to live?
I ran halfway up the stairs and stopped, too afraid to admit what I had done to myself to someone that would help
So I took matters into my own hands
Cleaned and treated the wound like I was a surgeon
Bandaged and kept that part of me free from any harm
The fact that it probably needed stitches scared me
I've never cried harder that memorable night
I will never forgive myself

Two years later down the road
I love myself and I feel like a ray of sunshine all the time
Light radiates from me whenever I can do it
I've never been so on the positive side of things
And I did, I did forgive myself
Two years later and the scar has still not faded to a white line
I hated it. I hated looking at it continuously day after day
I was ashamed
I tried to love that part of me but I couldn't
It was so hard

And in between getting better and holding on to the past
I experienced heartbreak for the first time
I swore he was the one
And he broke me into pieces like I was nothing
I hated everything
Why didn't anyone want me or love me?
No one showed up to save me
So I started to love myself instead

Today, September 20, 2018, I realized my worth
Today I looked down at the reminder of hard times
Today it has almost completely faded
Sometimes you don't even realize the moment you heal
But you do
I promise you that you will heal

i sat, leaning against the wall
guitar in hands
my fingers dancing on the strings
i closed my tear-filled eyes
and let my heart take over
i recorded the sound of my broken heart
you may not like the sound of it
but it wasn't meant to sound pretty
it wasn't meant to sound like a perfect thing
it was meant to sound broken
just like me

sneaking into the neighbor's yard
jumping on the trampoline
the cold hurting my throat
but at least i feel alive

i had a dream that someone found out about us
but i put myself in a worse situation to protect this
i put myself in more trouble
i put myself through more hurt
to protect what we have
and that's something i would honestly do for you

am i pretty enough for you?

i keep having dreams of you
when we were kids, you were my knight in shining armor
my safe place i ran to
i don't even think you knew
in my dreams, you come back
and i tell you how much i missed you
and i free the words i've been wanting to tell you since the day you left
but you never come back
you never hear those words
you never see me in your dreams
or do you?

oh god i'm ******* screaming
but you won't listen

i think of you every second, every day
i think of you whenever you're away
i think of you always
i think of you now and forever
please always stay

i'm considering actually jumping in front of a car
just so i don't have to go home today
i don't want to go
i'm going to be in so much trouble
i could run away
i could jump in front of a car
i could just sit here and not leave
but if i do not continue to exist after today
just know i was in a lot of pain
and that i'm sorry
i wish i could have stayed

this tree aches
it's bones rattle in the wind
it's longing arms reaching to the sky
why can't this tree be the bird that sits upon it's branches?
so free
it flies away
instead it's rooted to the ground
stuck in one place
perhaps part of this tree will reach new places
but it never stays for too long
here, it is stuck
here, it is aching
here, in the forest of my heart