i'm usually the type of person to forgive people
but i will never forgive you for what you've done to me
you made me afraid of everything
and i hate you for it

i want to give you all of me
every single thing
i'm so tired of being scared
so here
here's my heart
i'm handing it to you
it is now in your hands
please be careful
it breaks really easily
so here
here's my mind
and all my thoughts and feelings
please be careful
i am very insecure
so here
here's my soul
and everything that comes with it
please be careful
it's really important to me
so here
here's all of me
please be careful
i trust you enough to do what's right for me
i trust you to love me and take care of me
i trust you
so please don't break me
i'm trusting you with all of me

stop it!
why do you try to ruin everything?

you are the strongest person i know
you've been through hell and you still stand
some days, it's hard for you to even breathe
it's hard for you to walk or stand without being so tired
and you still have the best attitude towards life
you make jokes with everyone
and there's always a smile on your face
you're so passionate about what you do
and you have never given up
you say you still want to do things
like skydive and bungee jumping
but you can't
and i'm so sorry
for some reason, i'm your favorite
i don't know why
i'm not the best artist
i'm not the best student
but i'm your favorite
and you tell everyone that
maybe it's because
we connected last year
the year i had millions of cuts
running up and down my arms
hurting myself in school bathrooms
and trying to **** myself in the woods behind my house
and you saw right through me
and you told me you were depressed
that you know what it feels like
and you still rise
you've been through worse pain than me
and my pain is nothing compared to yours
but we connected somehow
and i want to be just like you
to be able to push through the pain
to be able to smile when it hurts deep down
to be able to have a positive attitude towards life
even though it has stabbed you in the back so many times
i've never had a teacher i felt so close to

you're starting to pretend i don't exist
saying things to other girls right in front of me
when did i become like this?
loving someone who doesn't give a ****
why doesn't anyone else want me?
am i really that bad?
why do you keep bringing me down?
I guess it's all my fault, huh?
dating someone who probably wouldn't care if i dropped dead right here
****..
i'm so done with this
i still can't believe i don't have the courage to just quit

i wish you would write a poem about me
just so i could know what your pen has to say
just to hear about the parts of myself i don't see
i want to know what you feel when you talk to me
do you even feel anything?

i guess i never understood love
the way people connect
maybe it's because i've never had it
not like i do now
past relationships are just shadows
they still lurk around every corner
and they still haunt me
not everyone will hurt you, darling
i'll need to perform an exorcism

i guess i never understood love
not until now
i am so afraid of losing you
like trees that lose their leaves in the fall
but they come back every spring
but who says people do the same
you won't come back when you leave
that's why i'm so scared
not everyone will leave, darling
i have this one chance to do everything right

i guess i never understood love
not until i was afraid you didn't love me
and you wrote stories in the palm of my hand
to put in my library of safe thoughts
and i was still scared
but i danced with everything i had in me
and it made me think of how you would feel if you lost me
and my heart hurt for you
not everyone will leave you behind, darling
i guess i'll just have to put all my trust in you

i never thought i would be upset with you
but here i am

what the hell did i ever do?
what is so wrong with me?
i think all my pain started because of you
i'm so happy without you
i'm so happy when i'm not plagued with your words
you told me you thought i was doing drugs
oh, is that what it is now?
is that what you think of me?
that i'm a failure?
that i will amount to nothing?
that i will do anything to disappoint you?
mom, what did i do?
i didn't do anything wrong
all i did was exist
all i did was be myself
am i really that messed up?
you told me once
i remember
you told me you didn't like who i was
that you only loved me because i'm your daughter
what the hell, mom?
seriously?
i can't wait until i'm out of here
all i know is
as soon as i turn 18
i'm moving out
i don't care if i'm living out on the streets
that will be better
than to live there any longer than i have to
i guess i'll always just be nothing to you

i miss you so much
i can't breathe
it hurts
please be okay
i can't survive without you
my tears are falling
please come back to me

i cannot tell you why i feel so broken
but i stood in front of the bathroom mirror
and shut my eyes tight
my hands gripping the edge of the sink
thinking of everything that could be wrong
but there was nothing
nothing is wrong
but then i opened my eyes
and saw how broken i looked
and that is what made me fall apart
i started crying
i fell to the ground and hugged my knees to my chest
because what else am i going to hold?
and i cried and cried
and the whole time i was wondering
why the hell am i crying?
and i just fell apart until i was ready to pick myself up again

You threw me aside like a child bored of a toy
I would say that it hurts but you did it so much, I'm used to it now
Like someone gets used to their everyday routine
This is my everyday routine, getting hurt by you
You put me down whenever you feel like it and it's not going to happen again
I realized my worth, darling, you can't bring me down anymore

You used to walk me to my bus at the end of every school day
And hug me as we departed, even as friends, even as lovers
But there's something deep inside you that changed
You're so different than how you used to be

So, I'm ignoring you like you did to me
And how lonely you are, darling
Because when I'm laughing and having fun with my other friends
(You know, the ones that don't try to hurt me?)
You just have to join in
And then you pretend like everything is okay
It's not.
Maybe I forgive people too much and that's why you think you have the right to do this to me
But, no, you are not allowed to use me

I was just a back up to you
Someone to hold and have fun with when no one else wanted you
And like the fool I am, I just let you manipulate me
But I know my worth and I know what I deserve
And you guessed it, I don't deserve an ******* like you
I'm worth so much more than this
And honey, just so we're clear, I'm female, you're male
And I'm still more of a man than you'll ever be

No wonder your girlfriend cheated on you
Because you did the same to me
And karma is a *****
You can't hurt me anymore

i know i don't know a thing about you
but i have fallen for your words
i'm probably getting annoying by now
but i don't want to be unheard

i can't seem to stop writing about you now
you made my heart smile
i'm just a loser you would probably never like
but for someone like you, i could wait for awhile

your existence on this earth has made my days better
i suddenly feel connected to you somehow
and although i'm so very sad
you make me want to be alive now

i'm even annoying myself now
so i guess i'll just be quiet
i'll sit here waiting for you to find me
and hopefully my demons will be silent

i heard you talking about me
talking bad about me
you've always done that as long as i can remember
and they just agree right along with you
apparently, i isolate myself too much
i'm always in my room
never leaving to spend time with family
but maybe the reason i isolate myself
is so i don't have to spend time with people who hurt me
then pretend they did no such thing
i'm not stupid
i'm not deaf
i hear what you say
and i've never felt so disconnected
i don't want to be part of this family
and i get it
some people don't even have a family
some people never had that
i get it so don't come over here and argue with me
but this is my life
my pain is real and you have always made fun of it
making a joke out my self-harm scars
pretending i was never in pain
you really think that will make me stop?
it only makes me want to do it more
isn't it a shame that i have to quickly dry my tears when i hear you coming
so you don't yell at me for having an emotion every human has?
isn't it a shame that i have to fall to the floor in pain
wanting to hurt myself so bad because of the words you say?
isn't it a shame that for the past 4 years of my life
i've wanted to die or run away because of you?
isn't it a shame that i feel no love for you anymore?

That's all I wanted to say

i guess you still want me
you waited for me like you always do
i was afraid that after i told you what i felt, you would leave
but you waited
and you held open your arms
and welcomed me back in
and i layed my head on your shoulder and just stayed there
and i held you tight
yes, you hurt me
but that doesn't mean i don't love you
i love you with everything in me
i love you more than humanly possible
i couldn't see it
this blanket of fatigue has been wrapped around me
and it's not ready to go away
i made a mistake
i thought i didn't love you
i thought i was done
because i can't feel anything right now in my life
but after it kicked in
that you may leave
my heart broke into pieces
and i could feel again
just for that moment
tears filled my eyes
i was upset
that i might have ruined yet another thing
i walked down the hallway
using all the strength i had not to cry
and i think that's why i've been so tired
there's too many moments
where i cannot feel a thing
i cannot feel what i'm supposed to feel
and trying to understand that is so tiring
but you're still here
and i told you i was tired
and you told me you would carry me if i wanted
you still care
you still want me
i just hope i didn't ruin this
and don't even know it