i want to be independent
but i become enticed in the feeling of having others build me up to make a 'better me'
but people are unreliable
they love you till they see all your vulnerabilities and your flaws
then they blast it for the world to see
and they wonder why i no longer make the effort to talk
i distance myself
i create a world where i need to be independent
because no one can be trusted

looking back at my youth as i enter into my final year of being a teenager.
what have i accomplished?
no i haven't done the typical things you see teenagers do in movies and on tv.
does that mean my youth was not lived to its full potential.
i seem to question myself a lot these days but i know that wont change anything.
i am living my youth how i want to.
but that does not mean i know whats best for me.

what is one supposed to do when they are feeling never enough because they have given too much of themselves to others and the world around them.
live life unfulfilled because they have given their most vulnerable parts a spotlight on a lonely stage.
days go by on a continuous loop and they feel like their purpose is withering away in the wind.
what is one supposed to do.

it always seemed like you could never be mine
always too good for me
always someone better than me for you to love.
until you were mine...
the chase filled my eyes my heart my soul with adoration for you.
but when you finally wanted me to be yours, you wanted the whole world to know
which led me to wonder why you weren't content with just me.
always going to show off to the world what you have
show her off as your latest capture
your greatest possession.
temporarily, as nothing is ever here to stay.
and i present the first damper you put on our relationship.
a month is all we lasted.
i couldn't do it anymore
i lost my best friend pretending he could be my first lover.
or did i lose someone who loved me while i convinced myself he was just a friend.
closure will never be given as i dont know the answers to your questions.
but you dont even know how to ask the questions anymore.
but you still have the ability to snap me in two with a single decision.
and when you move on i can guarantee my heart will ache.
and theres nothing left for me to do
because i was the one to let you go.
and now ill never know what we could have been
because youre right, i gave up too easily.

gurgling around the rim of my insides
come alive when your name lights up my screen
lights up my face with a widespread smile
sparkling for ages and doesnt dare to disappear
never want you to fade.
in such little time, youve made the butterflies come alive
made a connection with them
theyre clinging on to you, they trust you
itll hurt if you leave them all alone
theyve been hurt, theyve built walls
but their soft spot is for a cute face
so bingo, youve got the advantage
dont manipulate this please
youve got so much power
over the butterflies on my insides

disguised as just another day in your working school life,
but this one is not the same.
this was your last first day in this town.
start to think how to say your final goodbye to your friends.
finish all your teenage petty ******* that you want to leave behind.
start to think about what you want to do for the rest of your life.
finish all your procrastinated tasks just to graduate.
everything happens for a reason but what you don't know is that you're the reason.
you are the only reason why you do everything.
you can play it off on someone around you but you know that it was up to you the entire time.
but you can't brush it off anymore because this is your final year.
that means you have to take responsibility and grow the **** up.

i do have a life of my own.
not everything i do revolves around you.
lately i've minimised my contact and relations i have with you.
and you're my best friend.
something has changed in you and i don't seem to connect anymore.
i think i realised this change of personality on New Years Day.
when the question was asked; 'what is your ultimate goal for this year ahead of us?'
'to **** as many guys as i can possible'
i mean that's cool and all.
and like i suppose i support you in anything you do..
but its different.
'to be content with myself and figure out my future'
that was my answer..
it seems like our answers could never actually come from best friends.
or at least that's my opinion.
but i think i've come to realise that i do not want you in my life if that is your biggest goal of this year.
but you act like its all a joke because you've realised that you will never have the potential to do something worthwhile.
too late now i suppose.
and you spring up a plan on me for a week ahead to be out of town for almost a week.
after evaluating it all, i found out i am unable to go due to prior commitments.
you know..? like things you promise to do and won't change if other things come up.
but you don't know that..
once i was upset so you sent me a text saying that we're having a confrontation that arvo only for you to blow it off and **** your boyfriend instead.
i can genuinely say that i was depressed and was on the verge of suicide and just knowing the level of importance i had to you nearly sent me over the edge.
i hope you're happy... with yourself.
as when i told you that i couldn't attend, you attempt to convince yourself that the trip will now be "mega sucky".
but in the same minute you send a message asking with exclamation points and all if it was still okay for you to go with the girl you replaced me with.
you didn't just replace me on this trip..
you replaced me as your best friend.
and i'm not coming back..
i guess that's "mega sucky"
**** to **** *****.

its almost been three years since i met you for the very first time.
but i hardly seem to know you,
and that breaks my heart.
i wish i knew you.
you seem just like the type of guy that i would love endlessly and unconditionally.
i'm sorry i never put myself in the position to find out.
you're oh so beautiful and i am oh so very proud of you.
it has now gotten to the point of your life where you are moving out and driving away to university.
they're screaming at you for you to 'find your why'.
and you're screaming straight back in their face with all the excitement you've ever held.
i love you for that.
but you've also sparked something inside me.
you've made me so determined and strong minded for the year that has just started and lies ahead of me.
thank you.
as i travel along a year behind you,
you are no longer a drive down the road.
you're now located three hours away,
and i hope so very much that one day i will be able to join you.
but of course we need to stay in touch.
but i want to surprise you 12 months down the track bumping into you in a little cafe.
you can tell im lost in my mind and dont have a great sense of reality.
you always told me that i was different.
but you'd follow that comment with 'and that ain't a bad thing'.
i'm so proud of you and my imagination for our future is the only thing that's going to get me through 2018.
you're finding your why,
but ive just found mine; you.

say what you ******* want to.
temporary is honestly greater than permanent.
you never notice or appreciate anything permanent but at the time, it had your full attention.
you’re honestly the biggest hypocrite i’ve ever met.
who knew that you can spend the whole day with your best friend believing you know who they are as a person...
only for them to backstab you the second you’re no longer together.
they know your weaknesses through this position of superiority as your best friend.
only to **** with you and use it to tear you apart.
i’m always the one apologising..
despite the fact that i’m always the one on the floor, defeated and left with a broken heart.
so speak the **** up already and say it to my face.

hypocrite.

is this word even in your vocabulary?
have you ever experienced something that has actual substance?
does it bring you joy that you destroyed someone?

no...no...yes.

you lie to me on a daily basis that i've come to believe that you feed off this rather than oxygen.
you deal me your scraps along with false hope that i treasured because i trusted you.
you got inside my brain, my heart, my blood..
now that you've decided you're done with me, you'll stab from my insides.

my deepest thoughts that are open to you.
you used them against me.

my hopes and aspirations that i shared with you.
you've crushed the possibility for me.

my memories i have experienced with you.
now the only thing that is a memory, is you.

and through all of this, you held your head up high with that disgusting dimple and grim smile knowing all along that you broke me.

who knew it was going to be this way?
for you to believe that your life is amazing and nothing can break this stream of happiness you are drunk on.
for you to only then realise that this is a world you have created as an illusion for this dystopian world that surrounds you.

no one can hurt you.
or so you thought...

you've only ever been open to everyone around you.
this is the source to your ultimate weakness.
and you're the only one to blame.

you're vulnerable and have no opportunity to fix this.
maybe this fact isn't a bad thing; we're just viewing through a negative perspective.

on the road to self-destruction...
and i didn't even notice since i've been blinded.

Why is this happening to me?
My mental state is only decreasing and I'm slowly going insane.
I'm getting fat because i don't know my limits and constantly binge.
I'm pushing everyone away so i don't hurt them.
I'm only hurting myself in doing so.
I put words in everyone's mouths because they apparently don't tell me what i want to hear.
I'm not comfortable in the way  i present myself in any way, shape or form.
I do not know what happiness is anymore.
I'm constantly stressed and right now i'm completely stressed and i don't even know what about.
I'm coming to realise i will never be loved and i guess i will have to be okay with that because
I'm falling apart.

I've only ever relied on someone else for my happiness.
Looked to them to answer any question i had.
Until the moment they were no longer there to guide me out of my perceived darkness.
But i was stuck.
I waited on you but you only walked away.
So thank you, because i believe I've figured it out.
How to be happy and not dependent on you.
You're the one that has gone and replaced the role i used to play in your life.
So i guess you can ultimately say that you have done this to yourself.
And I'm not really sorry.
Sorry.
I am focusing on me and you are now playing an insignificant minor role in the way my life develops.
Thank you.
I love you my best friend.

What am i supposed to do when you're basically screaming in my face to "not care"?!
Am i to act like that's amazing and that my best friend is finally pushing me away?
Do i go against your word and then worry more about you since this act out of the blue?
What am i supposed to do when you say all of this to me and i know you're right, i just don't want to believe you.

So it looks like i've won.
were you even trying all along?
So it looks like you're denying.
do you actually believe it isn't true?
So it looks like the sun is setting.
will you be dreaming on cloud nine?
So it looks like you haven't seen the damage you've made.
is this fake smile too noticeable?
So it looks like it fits in with everything else of yours.
do you even know how to feel something genuine?
So it looks like the answer is no.
Because I've won.
You said i love you, i said i love you more.
You said impossible.
no, darling, its very possible.

Organisation of Lifestyle
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In sight, in every direction glanced.
Blissful celebrations through neon emblems
Like an uninterrupted New Year’s Eve party.
For a world stocked of colour, our instructions
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with our requested questions answered.
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at least that’s what it says on the giant billboard.
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How can someone feel so alone even though in every direction there's someone screaming your name.
How can someone feel so alone if they are staring their loved one right in the face.
How can someone feel so alone when surrounded by everyone who tries to make you a better person.
Someone can feel like this... they're not alone though.
Someone can feel all of this and so much more because they're not alone, they're simply lonely.