i want to be independent
but i become enticed in the feeling of having others build me up to make a 'better me'
but people are unreliable
they love you till they see all your vulnerabilities and your flaws
then they blast it for the world to see
and they wonder why i no longer make the effort to talk
i distance myself
i create a world where i need to be independent
because no one can be trusted
my heart breaks over and over for people i believe in but in the end they betray me
looking back at my youth as i enter into my final year of being a teenager.
what have i accomplished?
no i haven't done the typical things you see teenagers do in movies and on tv.
does that mean my youth was not lived to its full potential.
i seem to question myself a lot these days but i know that wont change anything.
i am living my youth how i want to.
but that does not mean i know whats best for me.
my youth is yours
what is one supposed to do when they are feeling never enough because they have given too much of themselves to others and the world around them.
live life unfulfilled because they have given their most vulnerable parts a spotlight on a lonely stage.
days go by on a continuous loop and they feel like their purpose is withering away in the wind.
what is one supposed to do.
trying to tell myself that i am enough
it always seemed like you could never be mine
always too good for me
always someone better than me for you to love.
until you were mine...
the chase filled my eyes my heart my soul with adoration for you.
but when you finally wanted me to be yours, you wanted the whole world to know
which led me to wonder why you weren't content with just me.
always going to show off to the world what you have
show her off as your latest capture
your greatest possession.
temporarily, as nothing is ever here to stay.
and i present the first damper you put on our relationship.
a month is all we lasted.
i couldn't do it anymore
i lost my best friend pretending he could be my first lover.
or did i lose someone who loved me while i convinced myself he was just a friend.
closure will never be given as i dont know the answers to your questions.
but you dont even know how to ask the questions anymore.
but you still have the ability to snap me in two with a single decision.
and when you move on i can guarantee my heart will ache.
and theres nothing left for me to do
because i was the one to let you go.
and now ill never know what we could have been
because youre right, i gave up too easily.
i should't feel like this. i have no right.
gurgling around the rim of my insides
come alive when your name lights up my screen
lights up my face with a widespread smile
sparkling for ages and doesnt dare to disappear
never want you to fade.
in such little time, youve made the butterflies come alive
made a connection with them
theyre clinging on to you, they trust you
itll hurt if you leave them all alone
theyve been hurt, theyve built walls
but their soft spot is for a cute face
so bingo, youve got the advantage
dont manipulate this please
youve got so much power
over the butterflies on my insides
you asked 'we should meet up sometime' and i replied 'happily'
- this shall be interesting
disguised as just another day in your working school life,
but this one is not the same.
this was your last first day in this town.
start to think how to say your final goodbye to your friends.
finish all your teenage petty ******* that you want to leave behind.
start to think about what you want to do for the rest of your life.
finish all your procrastinated tasks just to graduate.
everything happens for a reason but what you don't know is that you're the reason.
you are the only reason why you do everything.
you can play it off on someone around you but you know that it was up to you the entire time.
but you can't brush it off anymore because this is your final year.
that means you have to take responsibility and grow the **** up.
******* myself as the rest of my life starts soon.
i do have a life of my own.
not everything i do revolves around you.
lately i've minimised my contact and relations i have with you.
and you're my best friend.
something has changed in you and i don't seem to connect anymore.
i think i realised this change of personality on New Years Day.
when the question was asked; 'what is your ultimate goal for this year ahead of us?'
'to **** as many guys as i can possible'
i mean that's cool and all.
and like i suppose i support you in anything you do..
but its different.
'to be content with myself and figure out my future'
that was my answer..
it seems like our answers could never actually come from best friends.
or at least that's my opinion.
but i think i've come to realise that i do not want you in my life if that is your biggest goal of this year.
but you act like its all a joke because you've realised that you will never have the potential to do something worthwhile.
too late now i suppose.
and you spring up a plan on me for a week ahead to be out of town for almost a week.
after evaluating it all, i found out i am unable to go due to prior commitments.
you know..? like things you promise to do and won't change if other things come up.
but you don't know that..
once i was upset so you sent me a text saying that we're having a confrontation that arvo only for you to blow it off and **** your boyfriend instead.
i can genuinely say that i was depressed and was on the verge of suicide and just knowing the level of importance i had to you nearly sent me over the edge.
i hope you're happy... with yourself.
as when i told you that i couldn't attend, you attempt to convince yourself that the trip will now be "mega sucky".
but in the same minute you send a message asking with exclamation points and all if it was still okay for you to go with the girl you replaced me with.
you didn't just replace me on this trip..
you replaced me as your best friend.
and i'm not coming back..
i guess that's "mega sucky"
**** to **** *****.
things i want to scream in my "best friend's" face to show her all the ways she pushed me away and just how she lost me. have a fun life