All the stars start to align
The glowing path gets clearer
Each night

You're checking out
So turn out the lights
Leave me stuck here in the dark

I want to see brilliant shades of red
Blood to paint the walls with my very life
I want to go with you
And forever be by your side
But instead I am tortured by the lights

Take me home
Let me be free
I want to fly away from everything
So distant from what weighs me down

It all just seems so utterly hopeless. I try to become happy; I try to be strong, but its getting harder just to live on.

Its not a death sentence, manifested in my mind. But a lack of faith in my future.

The right thing to do is always the hardest. I've lived by these words my entire life and it kept me strong enough to carry the world on my shoulders.

But it seems that my body is caving in and I am slowly losing my right to live. I thought I was passed being depressed. I'm not a kid anymore. I should be able to conquer the world with a pain in my chest and a smile on my face.

Now I know what it is like to feel erased from the face of existance, yet watching my life carry on as if i am a ghost. Trying to see the life i would have lived as if i were still alive.

There is a recognizable strength in numbers
When two or more band together for one cause, miracles therein lie
There is closure in groups
A safe heaven in the support and care of others of whom you can rely on
There is a passion in numbers
Of which this world cannot recognize a relationship between you and I and it gives such strength without compromise

So why do I want to be alone?

Every one's around me
And my world is quickly fading

I'm on front stage
But in the background
As the music starts to clash
I don't understand
I can't figure out why
The melodies collide
In such an ugly way

Despite each chord or note I try
It all just seems wrong

So I looked out to the empty seats
There couldn't have been but ten people
They didn't seem to notice
That my life was clashing into my existence and they were like mindless puppets, just singing along

The piano holds its key
And it's just me
Its just me who ruined the melody
It's so simple to me
This should come so easily
Although I tried and tried to make things right, I couldn't figure out what's wrong inside of me
I've become my worst enemy

And when they asked me to sing
I was off in my own world
Everyone could hear the sound
Of a broken guitar
So that's when I stopped playing and let my voice take control
Their eyes were filled with wonder
As they touched a piece of my soul

It's so curious to me
Did I let them down?
It should have been obvious to me
But I just couldn't figure it out
So am I wrong?
Am I wrong?
Am I just asking to fall?

What comes easiest to me
Can feel like something like a dream




All that I've worked towards
To all that I aimed for
It all means nothing in the end

Did I lose focus?
Or did I stumble?
It means nothing in the end at all to me


My passion
My worry
My reason to give
Who I am upon a shining billboard
It's So easy for them to see
My reason
My talent
To see me fall after coming so far
I've made it so far
But it's only just a dream

This is my only shot at redemption
After all that I've done

Everyone I've hurt
Over my selfish desires
And impulsive turns

I've no choice but to move on
Create a whole new life for myself
Because the person I was born to be
Is now dead

In my mind's sight
This is the only option I have
Otherwise
My physical being
Will turn to nothing
But ash, by my own hands

Letting go is hardly up for debate
But moving on will guide me
Towards that day
And offer me a clean slate

Stripping a rose of its blood red sin
So that, perhaps one day
It can be white again
But the jagged thorns
Offer a reminder:
Just as the scars that surface
And remain eternally,
Portray the dangerous anamour
And the price of vanity

Can you see a future
Dawning in the horizon?
The birds are singing
To the melody in their hearts
While the Earth basks
In the sound

Can you feel it?
Can you feel my heart beat
Pitter?
It makes me feel so alive
And I see
The silver lining
It's so close
Almost in reach

This isn't me
But I don't know where else
I'd rather be
And I'm tired of believing
That nothing becomes of a dreamer
When nothing comes from doubt
It comes from faith, believing in myself

Out here it's dark~ open my eyes
When I look up to the midnight sky
It's so beautiful
That it takes my breath away
It's so beautiful
How the rarest of things
Break the shadows
Throughout galaxies
So far away from where we are
But still their beauty shines
To cast away the dark

And that's what it's like to dream
Its never giving up
Or letting go
I'm not letting go~

Can you feel it?

Can you feel it?

Can you feel my heart beat
Pitter?
It makes me feel so alive
And I see
The silver lining
It's so close
Almost in reach

It's my dreams...

I just want to make you smile
Again.

I can feel you drifting slowly along with the current
Further away from where I wait for you

I don't feel my mind is steady
I am restless and I know it isn't you, but me who is slipping away
Vanishing.

I can not break free from this hypnosis
In so deeply, that I'm entranced by the very existence
And all I have in my mind is the memories of my life, as it is my life that evades me
I see the very image of what I've become
A picture, looking through the glass
My reflection.

But the one staring back at me was unfamiliar. It's eyes were shadowed with evil- It's face, a twisted smile

Can't you hear me calling for you?
My voice, echoes into an abyss

Don't you see how rapidly I fall?

You were supposed to save me

Trial and error
Run in circles throughout my life
Teaching me that there is no decision
Without Consequence

All that my parents left me
After they raised me
Their strict rules of right and wrong
Became meaningless
And they became the examples of sin
That they'd raised me to hate

I don't understand how
Things fell apart so easily
Nor can I comprehend the way
It will all turn out in the end

Even as a young adult, I am finding
myself highly confused
If my parents are allowed to do these things....
Are they living in sin?
Or is sin even real?

I contemplate so many factors in my life
Like how I can't refrain from hurting myself
Or the way I fight so hard each day not to chip away and hurt someone I love
I am toxic and am decaying so quickly
That I can't even see straight
The images all blend and bend

I can't work
I can't sleep
I can't even function or do
The easiest things
But of all the things I wish I couldn't do;
I can breathe

I don't understand why things have to be this way. I don't even understand why I need help.
Still I go in fear of losing myself
But I was never my own person to begin with

Trial and error
Run in circles throughout my life
Teaching me that there is no decision
Without Consequence

All that my parents left me
After they raised me
Their strict rules of right and wrong
Became meaningless
And they became the examples of sin
That they'd raised me to hate

I don't understand how
Things fell apart so easily
Nor can I comprehend the way
It will all turn out in the end

Even as a young adult, I am finding
myself highly confused
If my parents are allowed to do these things....
Are they living in sin?
Or is sin even real?

I contemplate so many factors in my life
Like how I can't refrain from hurting myself
Or the way I fight so hard each day not to chip away and hurt someone I love
I am toxic and am decaying so quickly
That I can't even see straight
The images all blend and bend

I can't work
I can't sleep
I can't even function or do
The easiest things
But of all the things I wish I couldn't do;
I can breathe

I don't understand why things have to be this way. I don't even understand why I need help.
Still I go in fear of losing myself
But I was never my own person to begin with

Your light of hope
Seems so dim anymore
My hope in this life;
My dreams are there
But they seem further away from me
I dream of a day
Where I can provide
Yearn for a life where
I am always on the climb
Instead of being trapped upon the
Earth

Distant dreams
Are tragedies
But your words
Had offered peace to me
The way you were always so confident in me and always told me to be anything my heart could ever dream
Your voice...
    Your words....
         Were like a symphony
The way you loved me
        
         Unconditionally

...She passed away in the beauty of spring
And how I long to hear her voice
To let it comfort me
Can she see how far I've come?
I keep pressing towards my dreams
But gravity is too strong
Let your eternal love offer me strength
Although worlds apart,
I pray it will reach me
To hear you whisper my name
    To hear your voice...
          To hear your Symphony...

I want to relive your love
    Forevermore
I want to make you proud
    Of this "little girl"

Tell me
   Can you see me where you are?
      Worlds apart, but you don't lose heart
           Listen
       And you will hear
    A symphony
It is the gift you'd given to me

At this point in my life
I am frightened

I've been out of work
For two months
Because my strength
Just doesn't add up

These attacks that I have;
I could have at any time
So what if I am alone
When the episode hits?
I'll be alone to endure it

I fear going back tomorrow
Because it's been so long
And the progress I've made
Has been so small
But at least I am climbing
That mountain
And not rolling out of control
Towards the bottom

I go to sleep tonight
And I am scared of my future
Or if I will ever truly be able
To lead a normal life

This isn't my choice
But more as a curse
One that sends me to a specialist
One that can and probably will
Hospitalize me

I'm afraid
But I'm going to be strong
I will go back tomorrow
And give it my all
And if I should fail
If I should fall
At least I'll know
It couldn't have been helped

I get this feeling
Like I am an Asian
In a Polish body

And I yearn
To be more Asian

^.^

I don't want to live
I'd rather slowly waste away
This life, it hurts
And I often wonder
If it's really worth the pain
I shut myself off from the world
And retreat into my mind
Sometimes, I feel the pain
Is the only thing keeping me alive

I want to die
I want to die more than anything
Because they don't call it
The easy way out
For nothing
Sometimes, I grow tired of being strong
And I want to climb to the highest cliff
And watch myself fall

I'm falling hard
And fading fast
And I don't want to make it out alive
I'm tired of walking blind
And shooting straight
I just wish my world would dissipate

What could they do?
What would they say?
I have scars all over
My blemished flesh
Would they shun me?
For being more in tune to my suffering
Would they send me away?
Shove a pill past my lips
And tell me I'm okay

I just want to feel hope again
Want to be washed clean
Of these physical scars
That have caged me
I want to let go of this
These feelings that I get
More than anything, I'd rather
Die than just pretend

I want to go home
It's a strong urge I cannot shake
But I'm sitting in my bedroom
So tell me, if this isn't home
Then what is??
Would I rather lie inside my grave?
Would I decide to wake up
and live just another day?

Could you fill my heart with hope
Instead of this sorrow that
I've come to know too well?
They can wash the blood off of my hands
But the stains on my soul
Could be never cleansed

They could try for a thousand years
To try to convince me
That this is all worth the tears
But the fact of the matter is
Nothing could ever change
Because upon my soul
Is one large black stain

BUT THE STAINS ON MY SOUL
COULD NEVER BE CLEANSED

AND THE STAINS ON MY SOUL
WILL NEVER BE REPENT

NO, THE STAINS ON MY SOUL
WILL NEVER BE CLEANSED

Directly in sight
I can see you again
Three whole years
Have come and went
I never thought
We would speak again
Despite how badly
I've missed you, my friend

Our lives have changed
We're all grown up
But when I talk with you
Not a moment has passed
We're still the same
Rebellious kids we were
Back in the day

I love you
I've missed you
Won't you call me your friend?
I feel more complete
With your arms around me
As you carry me
Through each hard time

You were the one I relied on
I've cried upon your shoulders
We've laughed together
Cried together
Went through life together
Until life took us apart

Welcome back
Into my life
It's good to see you
Once again
I've missed your face
Longed for your words
I've missed you
My good friend

A little lie
A little word
And you're put under my spell
You never knew
You never even doubted
That I was telling the truth
You should have known
You didn't even try
You took my words
And believed them every time
I held you in my arms
Until my heart became cold
You never even second guessed
You didn't even try
And came running back to me
Each time my hands reached
To you again
You poor thing
How you must despair
Being thrown around in circles
How aweful you must feel
Being stomped into the earth
Tell me, how does it feel
To be infused into dirt?
I can hear you weeping
From the corners
I can feel you reaching
Towards the pain
So addicting
You can't get enough of me
You must be starving
As I give you nothing but remnants
Nothing but a piece of me
As you hunger for more
I will become your destruction
As you feed off my addiction
It must be so lonely
Always being barely within
Arm's reach
Falling so hard; so fast
Do you really think I would take your hand?

I've never wanted
To die
So badly
In my stupid life
Things could go wrong
Or maybe even
Fine
But it doesn't
Change the urge I feel inside

I want to
Take that step
To explore with the dead
With no feelings
No regrets
I want to end
This toxic existence
I live

I am the enemy
This time
For once, not the victim
The antagonist
In the tragic tale
That ends in blood
Staining the walls
The floors
Everything

More than anything
I want to go out
In colors
Of passionate red
As my life
Flows from my veins
I'll only be glad
I'm ending your pain

I never understood
Why everyone tends to walk out on me
Of all life's lessons to teach
Why was this one so common?

My mom left the family
And took me away, without asking me if I would rather stay
My brother joined the army, we only spoke through letters
My father was alone with his heartbreak and I could not console him
My best friend went off to college and I couldn't join her because I didn't have the money to make my life better
My beloved aunt passed away, almost unexpectedly. I never had a chance to say goodbye. To tell her I loved her one last time
The tragedy struck
I've seen God take a life in front of my own eyes. A horrid accident that you only see in movies. A boy I grew up with and had known nearly my entire life.
A first love, torn from my arms and was forbade to see. This separation was equivalent to him dying to me
My dear friend moved away and became ill,  he was such a cheerful boy and died so very young.

All I am making is a point, you see
Of all life's lessons to teach
Why teach this one to me?
It's cruel and unfair
These things mess you up inside
After all the torture and torment
I began to lose my mind

Life, above all things
Taught me how to shut down
But the most important lesson it taught me:

Life taught me to be lonely

What's true to your heart
Is a treasure to keep
Keep it close, tucked next to your soul
And don't ever let it to
It's times like these
Moments such as this
That keep you humble
Yet allow you to fly
It doesn't matter what it is
That gives your life
A reason to live
Embrace who you are
Become a dreamer
Let your feet leave the ground
And let your dreams
Set you free
The only life worth living
Is in doing what you love
And never giving up
On those silly dreams
Never letting go of all the foolish things
They say you'll never get there
But they don't know what it means
To soar through the sky
With open wings

I think the biggest curse of them all
Is life

It stretches and bends you
Until you break
And never hesitates

Death seems like an escape
But has cold, bitter hands
And a beautiful, warm face

Not to mention
Life is temporary
Death is permanent
Life can be amazing
Still, death is eminent

All through our lives
We weigh out which one
We would rather have
When things go good, we choose to live
But we would throw it all away
The very moment when things get bad

Between all the contradicting
One fact still remains
That one simple fact that completely separates:
Life is a choice
We choose to live
Every day, even when it's our life that we want to give
Life is waking up
And choosing that this day
Will be a good one
Just one choice
Can make life miserable
Just one choice
Can make life worth living

Falling from the heavens
Shattered me into a million pieces
My body is frail
My bones; dust
My heart has grown weary

Once, I thought I'd had it all
Where you're the highest, you see
Is the furthest to fall
Now I lie beneath the dirt
Because my spirit couldn't handle
One more word

But words, it seems
They carry me
Through the ups and downs
These words, I hear
Whisper to my soul
Your words, I hear
And will never let them go

"The best thing about being at the bottom, is that the only way for you to go is up"

Up
Back to the heavens
With new stars set in my eyes
No chains from the past will keep me earthbound
No nails in my coffin will hold me down
Because only the strong will rise

I will rise

My mind runs in circles
Thinking of all the good and bad
In my life, currently
And in the past

I miss my aunt
My heart aches for her
And I wish she could be here
To see my wedding, because
I know she is probably in heaven
Wishing she could be here with me
And tell Jared how handsome he is
And how great we look together
The things
She used to say

I worry about money
Now more than ever
Getting a house for the first time
And paying for a wedding
All at once is overwhelming
But I know it will be worth it in the end

I stress right now
About almost everything
Which is odd, because normally
I never stress at all

But my baby cousin
Who is barely a month old
Is now in the hospital
And his mom doesn't think
he is going to make it
His big sister is going to be
Devastated

The lack of support
That I have from getting married
Is nauseating
Why can't people let us be happy?
Instead of stressing us out...

There are just so many things
Running through my mind
So many things
And I'm not sure why

It's just another sunrise

Just another lonely day

Just another lonely day

Just another silent way

To tell you that I'm trying

It's just another sunrise

Another surprise

Just because I didn't say goodbye

Just another lie

To tell you I'm alright

It's just another sunrise

Like any other

But last night was

Harder than the others

I stressed, little-too long

Took things a little too far

But I woke up to the sunrise

And knew that I am strong

A lot of my problems
Lie deep down
They're nearly impossible to find

My value of life
For the time I nearly died
Disembodied by a train
I was merely seconds away

My fear of people
Reflects each time I was
Burned in my life
And I quickly learned
That one can only trust themselves
And people let you down

My numbness
Like a void
From all the tragedy I've faced
Losing the man I loved at 15
And all the abuse

My love for the darkness
Came over like a sickness
For, colors, make me burn
Reminds me of all the funerals
All the dead loved ones

I reflect upon everything
And wonder why
I am a warped human inside

I don't remember
the moment I finally broke
Or why

When did I finally
Give in at the mercy
of conflict?

I just don't uncerstand
When I quit reaching
For something more

To grasp the things
That remain unseen
Untold

I once was a dreamer;
Who's feet never touched
The ground

Now I lie face first
In the dirt
And cannot see
What life is worth

I don't remember
the moment I finally broke
Or why

I only remember
Emptiness snaking up my spine
Now I can't help but to feel
A massive void in my life

And the thing that
Kills me most
Is that I don't know
Why

I've been so far off
So shaken and distant
And I never understood why...

I just can't feel comfortable
Where I am
But I know it'll be good for me
In the end
Then why do I feel so uncomfortable
In my own skin?
Why do I feel so empty?

That's when I realized
This is not where I want to be
Because it's not where my family is
The one I have died off years ago
But the ones who took me in
Resurrected me

When dad said
"When are you coming
To live with us again?"
I nearly fell apart
I yearn to be where I feel I belong
And I guess I've found that place

But now I'm nearly trapped
Miles away with no escape
All I want is to be home
With the only real family
I've ever really known

A light of hope
For the hopeless
A shred of humility
For the proud
A simple act of kindness
To everyone around
A moment of silence
For the fallen
A lifetime of happiness
For all the small things
What will it take
To truly see?
A world that is failing
Tearing apart at the seams
It takes a world to fall
But one person to stand
Or to bend at the knee
And no one realizes
Most of the problems
Are all in our heads

My body
Trembles
And my chest starts to ache
I don't know what to do
Or know what it will take
To break this cycle
To shake this pain
As the days slip me by
They feel a waste
Like I'm running in circles
And cannot find my way
My life is progressing
Yet something is missing
Inside of me
Something just doesn't
Feel right to me
I can't pinpoint this feeling I have
But I suffer the silence
As I slowly lose my head
I wish I could cry
To release the pressure inside me
To remove this emptiness that binds me
But I always end up
In the same dark place
Forever trying to find my way

I'm sorry you're upset with me
And feel like you need to be
But how much I care, honestly,
Is fading without reasoning

I tried so hard to do my best
But wound up creating a large mess
And now I have this pain in my chest
Because I left you in distress

You love to take things out on me
Always your target, don't you see?
You always try to make me cry
Knock me down on my knees,
But I never bleed

"Sometimes in life
You've got to be selfish...
Otherwise, you suffer"
I guess my words
Never sunk into your thick skull
And now we're both the selfish ones
And I've got words that shoot like guns

I guess the reason
I'm truly upset
Is not that I feel bad
But rather
That you make me feel bad
And feelings are things that I can't stand

I'll say this now, my words,
Forever, hold them tight
Tonight I'm leaving, and nothing can change my mind
Goodbye for now
Goodbye forever
If you're acting this way,
I'll see you never

My body is failing me
And each time I stand,
I feel like falling
My body is growing weak
Every day that I live
It seems like I'm dying
But I have so much left to give

Sometimes I wonder
if someday I'll collapse
Wither away into nothing
Because I'd have no strength left

Perhaps, I could be better
If I had the money
To help myself
But sense I don't
I'll just suffer in the silence
Only to cry when I'm alone

Falling faster Everytime
Slowly slipping through the lines
Screams are slicing thought the night
Hitting harder by each impact
My ears start to bleed from the sound
Uselessly trembling
Mindlessly murmuring words that dont make sense
Rocking back and forth
This seems to comfort me
When Im lost within insanity

When you hit
A certain point of depression,
Your body starts to decieve you
Telling your mind
That you're already dead...

Your body stops aching
You mind slowly erasing
Of all the cares
And all the worries
That you and this life share

And you stop living
Because inside you are dead
And you don't even try to be
To beg for attention
You're just tired
of how no one will listen
So you shut down

There is no breaking point
No trigger for anger
No full-fledged smiles
Because you feel Neither
Pain, no regret
There isn't even a soul
Inside your chest

An empty vessel
Feels no pity
No happiness or agony
You go through life
As if you aren't there
Watching everyone else
Living the sort of life
You left behind
All while feeling
Nothing inside

A thought
Crossed my mind today
And was nearly
Transferred to action
As I nearly cut my arm
Wide open
To end my sad existence
Once and for all

So many reasons
I have not to care anymore
So many twists and turns
I've endured
And all this time
All this pain
Has remained enclosed within me

I have no drive
Anymore
No reason to survive
Anymore
And even more than that
I don't feel alive
Anymore
Therefore, if there is a point
To life
I'm not seeing it

Not like I used to

And my hopes are washing away
Flooding so quickly
Down the drain
And my blood falls
And leaves a stain
I become but a portrait
Left in your brain

There is nothing left of me
I have no right
No reason to breathe

And although I'm gone
I still believe
That maybe there is still
Something left of me

I'm tired of being
Treated low
I'm tired of the verbal blows
I'm tired of running away
And I'm am especially tired
of living this way

Purity
Is impossible to obtain
In a world so corrupt
It's hard to explain
All the deception
In this world
How we treat others
Is the worst

How can something
Be so pure, when it's
Surrounded by putrid
And vile things?
How can something
Remain as white
As a fresh sheet of snow
In January?

In the 21st century
Everyone is sick
And I am sick
Of living in it
Surrounded by sin
And chaos
There's no escape
No way to stay
Pure

Even innocence
Is tainted by the
Ways of today

It's hard to keep
Composure

And even harder to find
Closure

Nothing is innocent
Anymore

Is this me
Rushing into things?

Am I trying
To get ahead of myself?

Or is it me
Trying my best to be thriving?




When I'm barely surviving

I will not
Roll over and die
And I'm tired
Of being a burden

Before
I was concerned
About my safety
Concerned about
My life

But now
I've pushed those
Fears aside
I will not be a burden
I don't care
The cost

I will not let
My family
Receive all the loss
All the money
It would take- all the money
In the world
Couldn't fix my problem
If there is still no solution

I won't put them
Into debt
Over my false hope

I won't forget
The things they said
And I will learn
My best to cope

I am a burden
And I walk with
These chains
But I will stitch
My lips closed
And bear with the pain

Should I stand
Or should I fall
In the end
Doesn't matter
At all

Because if I
Become a burden
To anyone around me
I would lose my sense
Of reality
I'd lose my chance
For living

I'm done pretending

I'm done
I give up
Whatever happens
Happens
And it's tough

Let nature
Take its course
With me
Let life
Have its way
With me

If I fall
I fall
I will not
Get up

I'll crawl
Inside the dirt
Because that is my
Self worth

I'll ignore
My ailments
And let them
Catch up to me
As nature
And life
Take their toll
On me

My body
My flesh
Will decay
And turn
To dust
And I'll just
Sit there
and rust
Because I've been pushed
Across my line
The line on if I choose
Between death and life
The thing that makes me know
Wrong from right

I'll throw it all away
In time
Like a game,
I will wait
for it to catch up
To me

And when it does
I'll greet fate
With a grin
And let it take
My soul and sin

To accept my fate
Is to throw my life away
To do what's best for myself
Is to take away the good things in my life

I've always
Prayed every night
Asking God to let me see
Through both eyes
The the world
The way everyone else does

But I now know
That that'll never happen
To be honest
My faith is shaken
And I've never felt
More forsaken

What'll happen to me now?
Should I just roll over and die?
Because that's what it feels like I'm doing
Just because of one
Useless eye

It's not fair
The way I've taken it
All in stride
It's not fair
How my eye
Can no longer see colors
Everything is turning black
It's not fair
I'm only nineteen

I'm fully prepared
And fully aware
Of what's happening
And what the outcome will be

But I'm still afraid
The thought
It terrifies me
And I just want to give up
On life
On everything