Have I broken your back yet
Like I pulverized mine?
I know I'm a heavy burden --
With weight I cannot leave behind

Just when i think
i might deserve better
i sit shaking, soaked
in salt water tears
sobbing and settling
for the lack of love,
the absence of affection
in the the boundless
desert of my life

Darling, you’ve let your secret slip
Through the holes in your eyes
Speak no more, I know your lies
Let our bodies do the talking
And have all our truths realized

Struggling not to suffocate
In the tight cellophane tent
That encases my mattress,
Gasping, reaching out but
Hand can’t break the barrier

I’m surrounded by cheap
Reflections of myself, this
Bed is their shrine -- i pay
Homage to the demons
By listening to each one
And giving them a piece
Of my mind

There’s a world out there
That i don't know, outside
This drear and bleary *****
Room that keeps me captive

Shallow and afraid you lay
Still, supine, seventy miles
Away in thought even though
You’re here in physicality --
Not quite ready to surrender
Your conscience to the darker
Realms, eyes glazed over guards
That are fading off
Away, into unknown depths

You wanted a revival,
Sought out paradise,
Rendezvous from the mind’s demise
What you thought
An upward climb
Bright path to redemption
Not another steep decline

Is it changing, or
More of the same?
Cyclical illusions in a
Spinning trick maze?
Thought you’d found an
Escape, only to stay
Trapped by a reflection
In a foggy craze

Every day and night
Our worlds collide
Two lit faces in a blurry crowd
Of passing faces, pacing
People and you’d think
I’d be able to hide

Do you see me, too?
I’ll never go to ask
remaining silent, moving past,
Heart and mind racing
Against one another as I
Try to find the means to
breathe

You’re so pretty in the sun
When it rises gently in the
Morning, and cascades light
Down your smiling face.
Sitting still by the windowsill,
I’d be dead if looks could ****

These ******* are not mine
They swell and sag.
And the thighs
They, too, weigh heavy
Spreading out across my sheets
Twice as wide as they seem
Pale and pallid -
Loose jiggles run amok.
These arms are not mine
Shapeless chunks with no chisel
Thick and stocky, like sausages.
I don’t know their touch.
I don’t know myself.

a growing distance
of interlocked souls
what once was love
has now grown cold
though moments flicker
before my eyes
in the end
it’s still goodbye

i feel like i’m playing catchup
you’re so far ahead
i try to reach out
but you’re out of touch
and i’m sinking in
quicksand

you sprouted and blossomed
i withered and died
i want to be happy,,
but you’ve left me behind

My heart is ripping
Thin-skinned, hot flesh
Echo chamber shaking
With an isolated wail

Blurry vision stumbling
Over bodies and buildings
It’s all the same;
I testify to all

Relent, repent
Breathe -- beat -- bruise
Boxed, stop. You’re in control--
Regress, repeat
Hurt -- maim -- abuse
A wheeze, help. One silent cry

Exercise and
Exorcise but all the noises’
The same, stubborn stones
Wrecking back and forth
Fist hammers pounding your brain

Live or die,
That’s the way
That’s the choice
It’s your say
Mental illness,
Fragile health,
Life’s a ***** -
So tough it out.

When sorrow hits,
Drink it up, let it
Sit, soak it in,
Feel it rob you
Of your mind and
Swipe the breath
Out of your
Chest, let it
Steal your cherished
Rest

Therein lies the
Choice, the split,
The time to die,
Or put up with ****
Accept it now,
Accept it all,
Take in your fate
And deal with it.

Exhausting it
Is to be so down,
So put it out
And douse your
Thoughts for
Now, because
You’ll have to
Pretend to be
O.K. to get
On through
the year, the
Day.

Pedal to the floor
She prepares for flight
The roar of a gunshot
Ends the lady’s plight

Hospitable I am
With the company I keep
They’ve settled quite well, the
Feisty little creatures --
In my mind they burrow deep

Generous I am
To the voices in my mind
Feeding them so they flourish --
Whispering persuasive hatred
With every chance they find

Gullible I am
Because I listen with open ears
Gobbling up their words in
Idolization, never questioning
Any sound that I hear

You struck the match
You birthed the fire
The room was dark
Our bodies brighter
I was breathless
I was high
From hello,
Until goodbye.

You called me nightly
You let me in
Awakened a sense
Of fun and new
A comfortable
Abode for two.

I didn’t know love
Could be defined
By chinese buffet
And ripened peaches
I didn’t realize love
Was at the door,
In the pool, down
the road at the farm
Or even the dusty
Old piano where we’d
Play the music from
Our favorite games.

You, I,
We never saw it coming
Even though it was
Achingly inevitable.
We were never
Conscious of the bigger
Thing - just good friends,
Great friends, best friends.
I didn’t know our time
Would run short.
You talked of the future
You made me smile
I’d sit beside you
Talking life, sad because
School was coming up
And you lived far away.

I didn’t know I loved you,
Even up until the end
Dragging our feet in the sand
Ocean’s breath on our backs
cold, because the sun
Was setting and so was summer.

I didn’t know matches
Could die and fade.
I always thought they
Led to magnificent flames.
It hurt too much,
The pain, the loss,
The start and end -
I miss you, friend.

You broke the match
You killed the fire
My heart is dark
My outlook darker
I was breathless,
I was high
From hello,
Until goodbye.

I retraced the hieroglyphs with frenetic precision
running my fingers along each
ridge and valley with
unbridled vigor, desperate to be heard for
words had abandoned me.
soft, glowing red --
the essence of life
playing god
in my hands.
The story, unfinished --
i hope it never ends.

The smoke exits my mouth
In a tired exhale
I kiss the mesh screen and
Wish it were your lips
Soft, tender, melting into mine

Your image flits idly
in my mind
a hazy reverie
An image imprinted
So delicate and fine

Yet still you elude me
By volition or chance
I sit back, defeated
But still enmeshed in a trance

Assumptions aren’t truth
But they’re all I know —
And my darling, I sense it
Yet I can’t let you go

There’s no eloquent way
To say
******* or
what the ****.
the immediacy,
the poignancy,
speaks volumes
where fancy words
Cannot.
So here’s a big,
Fat *******
Sealed with
Contempt, sprinkled
With salt, because
Your sugar sweet
Was ******* fake
And that’s the icing
On your cake.

My heart swells when laughter
Washes over your face --
I long to freeze the moment
Forever, but even a picture
Could never suffice:
Eager eyes and flushed cheeks,
A vibrant grin that’s worry free
Joy in its purest form, unmarred
By any single thing

I want nothing more in life
than to keep you there with me --
We’ll take this moment now
and make it an eternity

I’m committed to the grave,
Giving away bits and pieces
Every day, crinkling them like
Paper and ripping shreds into
Ribbons that shower down
Upon me

I sleep at high noon, peak
Hour prime time, dozing
Into dark absences, void
Of light and being without
Commitment, a kiss, a fling,
A long nap

I’m afraid to surrender myself,
To face defamation and be
Deflowered by cold fingers
And a choking fist, but I long
To be teased, to taste and try
The eternal without ever having
To say goodnight.

My eyes are never dry
My head never clear
My stomach churns daily
My mind’s numbed by fears

I’m sorry I’m distant, disturbed
And distracted
I’m sorry I’m silent, saddened
And secluded

I want to be better
I want to be well
I want to go one day
Without facing Hell

I want to make memories
Not dwell in my mind
I want to escape this
I want out of this bind

I keep saying sorry
When I know I should stop
I mean to say thank you
For sticking, for staying,
Not letting me drop.

quiet storm,
i answer each dream
like wind

The world was my enemy
Until I met you
And only then
Were my problems eschewed

I never knew love
Till I felt your embrace
It took just one touch
To find my happy place

A step and a leap,
Then a bound and a twirl --
You waltz through my mind
My beautiful girl

Just when i think
i might deserve better
i sit shaking, soaked
in salt water tears
sobbing and settling
for the lack of love,
the absence of affection
in the the boundless
desert of my life

I push and I pull,
I tug and I tear,
Churning and creating
Waves that ripple out
In violent force
But drown me also

2:03AM, you know the number
like you know the area code,
fairfield county and your mind
is galloping off again - at least
this time it’s pleasant but
you can’t comprehend why
it’s the night you fight when
at any point during the day
you’d capitulate and say
“take me”

I’m two parts a ****** up mess
And one part bitterness,
Shake me up and let me settle
In the pit of your empty stomach
(but i’ll probably make you ******* sick)

If i could write as fast as i think
I’d be drowning in pages,
Choking on ink,
****** and beaten, a
Prolific cesspool sink

Down city avenues and dead ends
We unravel together,
The knots of our hearts
Tearing us both apart

i miss the way my head lay
cradled in your thighs
how you arched your back
sending shivers down my spine
clenching fists and quiet sighs
our skin -- together --
my hand -- inside --
it was then that I found paradise

Pull me into your lips
Like a cigarette,
Inhale my smoky spirals
Harsh and ashy on your
******* lungs and
Let me sit there for a while,
Charcoal fire and nicotine
Poison, I’m killing you slowly
But you want it

I know I should have closed the door
But I left it ajar
I couldn't lose you,
but as it stands right now --
You're already so far
Come back and let yourself in
It's never too late
To birth a new start

It’s hardly a flicker,
A flash in the dark -
But it’s markedly something
Perhaps a new start

Sing me to sleep
And soothe me softly
Make my eyes sag
With the pleasant weight
Of impending repose.

Quell my mind
And feed me numbness
Let the fog haze over
Please free me
Of my thoughts.

Lay me down to rest
In the pitch black stillness
A slumber so deep
I’ll die in the night,
Uninterrupted.

My life was on
an upward climb
for a good long while,
and I would spend
my nights inside
the crevices of my
hyperactive mind,
rich with thc
and departed far
from reality and
this was not stable.
To be so consumed
with a limited array
of things and thoughts
provided for a curious
yet cramped labyrinth
that eventually had a
jolting end, an end
that I didn’t want to
face or see because
I was comfortable
and change was scary.
it’s been ten months
since the day i died
inside my head,
dead, once i’d explored
it all, and time has allowed
me to see past the allure
and understand that
I was living in monochrome,
not full color.

imagine, my gentle one
slow peace &
a happy truth of
something together

baby bottled blonde
Do you think of me at night?
As you drift into slumber
Soft — alight —

Baby bottled blonde
Your radiance transcends
O’er three thousand miles
I’d sweep you in my arms
To your soul I would tend

Baby bottled blonde
How I’d caress your appled cheeks
Kiss you in the moonlight
My tender heart — it leaks

Baby bottled blonde
It is you and you alone
My desires, selfish —
How do I atone?

-

I hate to be selfish
But I feel you should be mine
All this dodgy playtalk
When together, we could be divine?

If i could romanticize
The present like i do
The past, and let my
Worries tumble gently
Down and off my back,
I’d be free of it all,
Clean and chaste

I spend what I don’t have
To feel all that eludes me
Body and mind
In pursuit of harmonious high —

The clock ticking taunts
A timed expiration of my bliss
For it won’t be long
Until I’m bereft again
Empty —
Amiss

No dam could withstand
The entirety of my every feeling.
I break everything I touch --
I always stop and hesitate,
knowing --
That I’m just too much

search and destroy
stalk and avoid
sulk and deploy
empty and void

You aren’t real, I know it to be true
I’ve seen you vanish in a hot second

When the clouds come rumbling
You’re gone with the vapor

I know not which place is worse
Calamitous inundations of
Unrelenting grief —
Or the frigid chill of
Empty apathy in its wake:
Icy, salty stalagmites
Where tears used to be

Amore mio,
Ma solo se sapessi
Quanto ti darei così che
Potremmo insieme di nuovo --
Ma non devo essere triste
Perché mi ha regalato qualcosa
Che non mai dimenticherò

What would it take, my sunshine?
For us to thrive and climb?
I’d capitulate to god
If it meant you could be mine

Does she take you there --?
Wet warm wild ride
Summer noon,
Her bed

The words won't spill,
Even though I'm overflowing
Mounting pressure with no reprieve
So many things that need to come out
But instead they fill me until I can't speak

Words never failed me
Until I met you
And how hard it is, darling —
For I’m enamored of
So few

Sipping miso soup
In lieu of a hug
Warm convalescence
Ephemeral reprieve
For a perpetual hunger
That ceases to leave

uppers and downers
feed the human machine
popping tiny missiles to
launch at rocket spreed