i saw a video on tiktok.
on a father wanting to spend time with his daughter-
something i couldn’t quite remember
the last time i heard the words fall from his mouth without meaning.
i saw my screen through half blurred eyes,
half burned with half shed tears
as he said i love you.
something i couldn’t remember
the last time i heard those words
without filled with a need to rip my skin new.

the months i lost my voice became a pattern of days filled with dreamless sleep and nights wishing for nicotine stained fingers and red lipstick kissed cups.

i held words on the tip of my tongue, fading into smoke the second they escaped the bitter confines of water drowned inked pages.

the months i lost my voice the nights seemed quiet, frozen in time as my eyes were blinded with the aching only poets can ache.

i held back words that came out in sounds and tears, screaming shouting, the sounds of glass breaking from inside a soundproofed room with only madness for company.

the months i lost my voice, my mind became a boat in an ocean of words, and the days gone in the blink of an eye.

write me a tragedy
and i'll write the tale of you and i-
i will build you cathedrals and palaces of words
and burning infernos of our love-
leave trails of ash onto each page
and give us a bittersweet end
so that you may realize the words i spill out will burn you-
that to love a poet- to love me-
i make my tragedy yours

A faint moment of serenity,
kisses that stain hands in worship,
of feathers light bliss,
using sinful touch as words,
singing praises and gospels
almost missing your wicked smile

i remember the taste of metal in my mouth,
the warmth and the pain of
turning my fiery words
into mountains of ash
years of biting my tongue,
wanting to scream,
yet the smoke chokes my lungs

"dying is easy" they said looking over at achilles standing over patrolcus' burning shroud, tears in his rage filled eyes.

"to live in this world- now that is harder." they said turning their eyes away as achilles piercing scream rang out.

the silence is deafening
the silence is deafening
the silence is deafening
the silence is deafening
the silence is deafening
the silence is deafening
the silence is deafening
the silence is deafening
the silence is deafening
the silence is deafening

you almost make me
hate you more
than I hate myself.

— how you push my buttons // a.

they say all lovers die twice;
once when they die separate,
the second when they'll forgotten-
and their story along with them.

i am haunted by a ghost
who calls my name,
who whispers in the wind
and runs in my shadow.
i know her, i know her well.
she was everything i could’ve been,
and everything i lost

sometimes i miss the touch of rain on my skin,
the water pouring down on my body,
soaking me to the bone.
sometimes i miss the feeling of calmness,
the racing thoughts in my mind
drowning into a peaceful quietness.
sometimes i miss the feeling of not knowing
where my tears begin and the rain stops,
basking in the sorrows i feel.
sometimes i miss being alright,
the depths of numbness,
the emptiness staring back quietly.
sometimes i miss the sun,
sometimes i miss the loud thoughts.
sometimes i miss the nights it rained for hours.
sometimes the soft sounds luring me back to sleep.
sometimes i miss the calmness i seek.

"come back” i whisper.
"come back” i say.
"come back” you hear.
"come back” i plead.
"please, come back”

whisper sweet nothings in the dark
with your hand
wrapped delicately around my throat

i once wished i was made of
sharp hipbones and tainted glass,
that my wrists were tiny fragile things,
with fingers that looked like spider legs
covered in too large rings.

no one told me how much it hurt.

i once wished i was made of
cigarette smoke and black coffee.
that my body could look like a model in a magazine.

no one told me how much it hurt.

i once wished i was made of
sugar free jello and *****,
so that my body could be small and dainty-
with a hunger that could only be quenched
by photographs of unknown girls i envied.

no one told me how much it hurt.

i once wished i was made of
rotten flesh and bone,
if i couldn't be small-
i had no worth at all.

no one told me how much it hurt.

darling,
anything for you i would
keep trying to make your shine known
out of all of us, i
toast to you as i raise my glass,
and you’ll be amazing

go away,
sleep just take me
well gosh dang it
i’m done,
gone,
****,
disappearing,
vanished,
out of here.
                  ( ***** you brain)
— sleep calls with overactive brains // a.

sometimes i'm like the night,
mysterious, dark, never-ending.
sometimes you're like the stars,
illuminating, bright, ever-lasting.
and sometimes we made and meet
and kiss and dance and die
and sometimes i never see you and you see me
and sometimes we disappear from each other
and sometimes i drown myself in your light
and, and, sometimes i miss you too.

— let us bask in our nighttime adventures // a.

i’ve stopped trying to
make my pain sweet,
just to please you.

the first time,
the last time,
i would like to sleep
in your arms again, darling

leave me in the garden to die.
i will not let you save me-
leave me alone with the dead leaves of autumn,
with the coldness of winter settling in my bones.
i don't want to be saved-
leave me along the dead and decayed
and come back to bury me in the spring.
i have left to find death,
to pick it's flowers and to finally rest.

regrets are like stars;
too many to count,
too many to name,
too many to remember.

"i’ll burn you," she said as their hands touched. she throws her head back and laughs, it's a cool, melodious sound, like summer rain on her skin.
"i expect nothing less," she says smiling. lips meeting flushed skin, hands leaving ash in their wake.

where were your gods when rome was set aflame?

—— no one heard your cries // a

if my body is a heavenly temple,
i pray that you kneel before me in worship

I used to sit around and wonder:
where did I lose myself?
where did I go?  


Now I look in the
mirror and realize,
I was never really there in the first place.

— the mirror keeps staring back at me // a.

my body’s missing pieces,
and i don’t know
how to fix it,
or fill it
without your embrace.

death,
my friend,
comes for us all in the end.

every day is a new adventure with you,
voicing our thoughts
as the weight of the world closes in.

midnight talks and kitchen dance battles,
a hopeless type of gal,
red roses,
i loved you
and you’ll never know how much

we live as star-crossed lovers do,
patiently, seething, waiting,
wondering if we’re a tragedy
like boys to suns or
gods to mortals,
doomed to part only to die second
or worse, we live in the end.

you burned like a star
they whispered,
terror and awe laced in their words

you burned so suddenly, so bright
everyone but the sun had to look away
the sun stared down as
the burning boy fell underneath the water-
blue hands reaching up to catch him.

stars burn out too fast
they speak,
indifference and pity colour their words.

your shadow, i found,
was still clearer then your face.

you’ve become nothing
but fire and wax and regrets.
you’ve become a cautionary tale,
a warning of loving too much too fast
you’ve become a memory
in a long list of lovers, of tragedies

you’ve become nothing
but ash and feathers and bone,
you’ve become a story,
a tale of boys who fell for suns
you’ve become a glimpse,
a moment of clarity that ends all too soon

with your sin stained touch,
unholy scriptures,
and whispered prayers
falling from your wicked tongue,
sometimes i wonder if we’re
truly of the ******,
disgraced in the eyes of the lord,
or if the lord revels in our unholiness

with a heavy heart the sun watches the boy with broken wings fall further away from him.
“i loved him,” the sun says watching him fade underneath the waves.
“i loved him first” the sea answer back

You are touch starved
hunger pained,
steel-toed mess
of sun kissed hair and
poison kissed lips
you are my everything and
nothing


— for I love all these parts of you that others do not see // a.

i had so much to
say to you,
but the words die
on my lips.

i had so much to
give to you,
but there’s no more to
give away.

i had so much to
look forward with you,
but there’s only regrets
in my heart.

Your scent lingers on your shirts
and your words still taint my skin
your memory still eats away at me,
slowly but surely
i get rid of you
you become a ghost
i let you fade
until you’re nothing.  
                       ( just like you told me. )

— karma’s a ***** has so am i // a.

i sometimes imagine
boys with sunburnt skin falling
into saltwater seas
with laughter on their lips

the days seem colder without you,
i guess you’re a memory
that will never fade,
your touch hollows me out
and leaves me cold and sore

the gentle hands that wrap around my throat,
the decorative jewels of bruises,
the pale flesh that inspired poetry,
kissed by the silver blade
as i kneel in the scaffold

if you asked me the moment
icarus felt like tragedy and poetry,
i would laugh and say he knew,
that boys who love suns are already tragedy,
but seas who love boys are poetry,
because love is a double edged sword
and the moment of clarity ends all too soon.