The world isn’t my enemy
I am
any step I take forward
I pull myself back
with words
conjured up from insecurities
and painted with doubt
the fear of not
achieving
constantly looms over me
I’m not afraid to disappoint you
I’m afraid to disappoint
the little girl
I once was
and still am
the one who thought
she could do something
to shape her life and the world

Maybe someday
someone will waltz along
and teach my heart
it's not okay
to give joyrides
to average people
who will make me feel insubstantial
someday for someone that will cherish me
for more than the skin that covers my bones
but who can kiss me on the head
not because it's pretty
but because of all, it contains
Maybe I'll stop overcompensating
for people who don't deserve any piece of me
I'll be honest with myself
and not desperate for any form of pleasure

in an effort to be original, unique & different
we really all end up the same
your independent stance
and your expostulation
is hackneyed
we all seem like social justice warriors
fighting the same core issue
with different diction

the walls are white
it's cold
I thought the sheer amount of people
would keep this warm,
but no one is really here
is it an asylum?
does being insensitive
not drive you insane
is it a prison?
the rows are straight
all surfaces are hard
the clocks tick
the bells are deafening
the fluorescents are blinding
immersing into the masses
another brick in the wall
education, the most powerful tool
traded for memorization and regurgitation
cookie cutter people
tossed into the world
told to be innovative
think outside of the box
we put you in
the rows we sat you in
the white walls we trapped you in

I am courageous
because I am afraid
of what may become
if I'm not

I live in my head
so much sometimes I forget
I am in a room full of people
that I'm not just a spectator to reality

The universe may not give me what I want, but I know it’ll give me what I need

I said I wanted to be Great
then I realized not only
did I sound terribly pretentious
but that word is centered around
the evaluation of one’s self
based upon the opinions of others

you can leave a legacy of many sorts
whether or not it’s one worth leaving
is the real question

we choose our actions
but more importantly
the spirit behind them

true greatness does not intend
upon becoming Great
It just is

Numbers are good
for tests
colleges
Numbers are bad
for weight
Make yourself small
Minimize your worth
to a grade point average
Stay up all night
studying
until the bags under your eyes
become more to bear
than the AP textbooks
Yet get your beauty sleep
because it’s important
you maintain flawless skin
Drink coffee to stay awake
yet not too much because you’ll get headaches and acne
Forget your friends, family and hobbies
but don’t complain too much
Work hard
but then you’re a try hard
who apparently never tries hard enough
because in the end your number
could always be higher
unless you’re on the scale
then it’s lower
because apparently
we all agreed
that our self worth
isn’t self determined
right?

I methodically contemplate
time and time again
with different questions
but all from the same basis:
what is my truth?
the scariest answer I’ve found
is what I’ve deemed the truest:
truth is perceptive
and we convince ourselves
what we believe in
therefore each truth is different
and whether or not we’re right
is never entirely cle

It’s been too long
since I wrote
& by writing I mean for me
not so another human can fawn
over my words
but so that I can feel
each emotion being poured
into a hand crafted image

It’s been too long
since I stopped
to really think
& be present
in my skin
& my heart
I forgot what I was like
when I stripped all else
away

I want you to know
you’re beautiful
in the way that deserves
to be talked about
I want you to know
that I notice
all the little things
you do
without thinking
the kindness
the smiles you give
I appreciate it all
and admire it
I think you’re fantastic
and always will

You don’t deserve my words
or the beautiful landscape
I craft with my eloquence,
yet you take each one
as if you’re entitled

I want to marry a poet
for the way they see things
the way they crave things
I wouldn’t have to wonder
if they meant their words
because their words are art

I want to marry a poet
for the way they admire
& notice every detail
because they feel every emotion
& to them I’d never be
‘too much’

I’m tired of hearing
the same things
“you’re amazing”
I don’t want to be told
I want to be shown
that I’m captivating
of your attention
that I’m worth your days
Words mean nothing
without the feeling
behind them
that evokes them
in the first place

I’d almost say unrequited love
although that’s slightly dramatic
see,
I won’t deny myself the simplest
of life’s pleasures
such as falling for another
yet he will
because
he fools himself into thinking
that we get to choose love in this life
that we get to decide the moment
we ridiculously fall
but
if we chose it wouldn’t be real
it’s illogical and daunting
but we can only take
what life gives

Last night my world caved in
so I went to you with baggage in hand
you didn’t turn me away, instead you
held it for a moment while you
listened and comforted me
you said ‘**** the world
for what it’s put you through’
you said I’m not too much
just a lot and someday I’ll find
someone who can carry it all
but for now you will
I have told you every detail
to the deranged story of me
and you stay
that’s enough for me
all I needed was to know I’m not alone
and you’ve given me more than that
by loving me consistently
thank you for being the best friend
even half a country away
I always needed

I am no better or less
than the person next to me
and I will never strive to be
better than them
only better than I was
yesterday
last week
or last year
I will push myself
with all my might
and reach the greatest heights
but never because I was
simply privileged
or “better”
only because I’ve worked
every moment
of everyday for it

oh how little time we have
our days are numbered,
our hours restricted
three inches from my face
I saw my life
and thanked the universe for it
perspective is everything
that moment scared me
enough to realize
my heart beats for a reason
I am alive in this moment

she says
for once
‘I don’t want to be the poet
but the poem’
and I felt that