the insecurity
and awareness
of being called out

being singled out
once
at the start to my day
and the feeling of
self consciousness
throughout the rest of it

that day
it wasn't a bold move
or a statement

i wanted to look nice
but a little lice
or a little skin
and suddenly
I was at fault

since when has my back
become a distraction
how many people have noticed
before that one did

i am not here for judgement
i am here to learn
in comfort
and the four inches
of skin
on my back
that show through this lace
is not enough of a reason
for you
to take away comfort
from my day

being a girl
is feeling more comfortable
leaving your purse
or coat
or phone
with someone when you need to use the bathroom
than you feel with leaving
your drink

being a girl
means being cat called
and having to accept it
it means only feeling comfortable
with your boyfriend
or dad
by your side

being a girl
is insecurity
in being anywhere
without protection
because we are prey

right or wrong
it's the truth
and I live it every day

name: grace
age: seventeen
grade: high school junior
social security number: 6- wait

when you first meet someone,
they'll ask tons of questions.
but what's too personal
you'll have to decide for yourself.

what will I own up to?
a lot.
I give the straight out truth.
staying private isn't a concern of mine.
what's one of my truths?
I've been on medication-
a lot of it.

Zoloft, Prozac, Xanax...
you name it.
depression wasn't a choice
but I chose to get help
and for me that meant medicine.
am I dependent on it?
I fear so

I lost my dad before he died.
drugs are a scary thing.
my mom didn't want to see me taken away
so we left before I could remember.
do I know what really happened?
barely.
he died when I was six.
when I uncovered a sliver of the reality
I made that promise.
I'll never do drugs

I'm in control of my life.
chemicals aren't going to affect how I act.
except they do.
every day.
I can't get through my day without them.
I learned what happens when I do.

the dizziness
nauseousness
headache
horrifying nightmares
did someone just call me or am i hallucinating?
why is my foot tingling
reality of not having it one day.

it's called withdrawal.
I get it from missing a dose.
some get it when they can't find-- whatever they want.
is this going to be my life?
constant medication or I'm back to depression?
who am I without those prescriptions?
I can't remember- it's been three years.

why do I need this to function?
am I dependent?
I'm just the same as the rest of them
maybe I am doing drugs.

Woken up to the sounds of his saw;
The jarring noise took me from a calm
Sleep. Only six hours ago had it been night
When I laid sleeping with my love.
For years I never had a dream
Until the first time he said my name. "Grace?"

He asked walking towards me. "Your name is Grace,
Right?" In front of me I saw
My future. When I slept that night I had a dream.
For all the times he spoke to me I felt calm
In who I was. He was the one who made me love
Myself once again: even in the darkest night.

I saw myself grow like a child with him. Night
Was no longer full of fear. Welcomed with grace,
I joined his life.  Enchanted whit how much one man could love
So many things. Passion in everything he did. He saw
Beauty in the bare trees. Remaining calm
When the world around me fell, he showed me to turn my dream

Into a literal vision. My dream
Was meant for the world; not to be hidden by the night.
He wanted to help create my dream, and when I lost my calm,
He was always behind me for backup. "Grace,
We're going to create the life you want." I saw
The light in his eyes. I fell in love.

The house we would build was full of love,
dedication to each other, respect for the dream.
The amazement in his expression when he saw
It come to life was worth the pains. At night
We stayed up, whispering until exhaustion. "Goodnight, Grace"
It wasn't until I heard those worlds I felt calm

With myself, with the world. Calm
That this was finally my life. The love
I had for him for filling my life with grace.
With him it came true. My dream
Became our reality. But night
Was still sad, for when I closed my eyes and my love I no longer saw.

When I woke up, I didn't mind the sound of the saw.
The sound was a reminder of his love,
And he only loved me: Grace.

tokens of thankfulness
gratefulness
appreciation

understanding
or attempts to

when every try
brings them closer to knowing
and every effort
pulls you closer to them

that's the only place
you want to be
close
and safe

being reminded
what you have
and if you have that

never let it go
be thankful
be grateful

tears of joy are okay

I think
it's a known fact
most people with an
eating disorder
end up pulling away
and secluding
and closing off.
spending more time alone
and less time with
others.

what I don't think
is everyone knows
why
we do this

we're hiding
hiding from you
whoever you are
you are against us.
you are trying
to force the enemy
into our hands
and onto our plates
and into our mouths.

the more time I spend
around you
the more you will
notice.
notice the signs
and the loss
and the anger
and everything else
we so cautiously hide

but for me
anyway
seclusion was hiding
hiding from the enemy
protecting my guard
my so fragile confidence
what I felt
and how I saw myself.
the more I was around others
and the food-
God the food-
the more I realized I needed it

but in my heart
I didn't want it
so i hid
from my enemy
from myself
and from you

Tom is a bit gay
But being gay does not make a
Man. It is his heart

it's like
no matter how well I know
or how many times I experience it
or how many times I'm back stabbed
I still want to see the good in people.

and I still expect there to be good in people
and when there isn't
I'm disappointed
and I'm let down
and I'm sad
and even more than that- I'm angry

I'm angry at them
and I'm angry at me.

how many times am I gonna go through this before I learn
before I find good friends
or people who really care about me

I need to get my act together
to find people who have theirs together.

they dont understand
and im wondering why you ever
thought they did

i could never stop loving you
I'm in too deep

oh my god
I'm so sad....

I'm not depressed
I'm not angry
I'm just sad

sad
and empty.
lonely.

there's nothing else to say anymore.
I have no words.
I just sit at home wishing I had friends
I'm jealous of relationships people can form
I can't describe how I feel
I have one person
and I'm alone when they're not here

I'm just sad...
someone help me

parents teach us
how to take care of ourselves
but all we really want to find
is someone to do it for us

they teach us
how to manage the stress of life
but they don't want us
to handle it alone

teach us
how to care for
and love ourselves
but they want someone there
if we ever forget how

i found my someone

i missed you, but not anymore

love
is when you
take the stresses
off each other
and carry the weight
together

I miss the days
when we were both happy