it began with eye contact,
it proceeded with a kiss.

turned into a mouth shut tight.
and a hand that didn’t want to write.
drowning in  d e n i a l.
knowing very well it could only spew the truth:

the you i painted in poems,
a truth that would never exist.

it eventually resurfaced with pain.
piercing sadness masked with a burning anger.

it continued with pain.

it ended with only more poems.
but not of you,
of hope.
of love for myself.
for my strength.
for rescuing myself.
and for finally realizing
that you never could.    

--

and yet here i am:
post-pain,
post-hatred,
post-you.
still writing poems about it.
just so that i can be free to feel something else.
there is still anger—
but only such that is reflected unto myself.
for trusting someone who never even earned it.
for loving someone who never even did.

i know now:
the poems i wrote about you
are better than you ever will be.
gave me more than you ever could.
a monster i painted as a savior.
one poem. at a time.

my words are pure,
& you could never take that away from me.
my words,
they only saw the best in you.
the small, minuscule sliver that shined brighter than the rest of you.
insignificant in theory.
but something my words could turn into beauty.

…painting you as everything i wanted you to be.
ignoring the thorns.
and the poison.
that you stuck me with.
which only grew stronger
and more prominent with time.
only to ultimately destroy me.
quieted my words.
because the sliver of you was now gone.
the thorns and the poison were all that were.
existing only to ultimately subdue me.
the savior finally revealed as a monster.
but i could not get out.

for three years you poisoned me.
dug your thorns into me deeper and deeper.
i was stuck and pricked so many times
my skin was permanently blood red,
covered in scars.
squeezing my bones
that could take no more.
shackled to a love that was never a love,
a person that was never a person.
a form of exile.
******* the beauty out of my name.
a voice that could only make my skin crawl.
my sense of trust ripped to shreds.  
a trust that will never be the same.

but from horror,
from trauma,
from violence,
from pain,
i gave birth to strength.
manifested a jail cell
into intoxicating
freedom.

kiss the loneliness your heart feels
the forever pain
that is really not forever
it’s okay
if you used to love a bed
a home
that isn’t there anymore
it’s okay
to feel small  
it’s okay
to hate yourself
the longing you feel
needs a smile
and your kisses
will make you realize
the different existences
that were once a broken home
sad and hurt
are not just an innocent human
a soul full of wonder
a moment moving slowly
that leaves your arms
not so lonely
anymore

it is better to forget the lonely
to stop holding the form’s presence
in sadness
in a hope that seems to be constantly
far from the surface
but comes in
tasting like water
instead of blood
looking like a lovely warmth
and perfection
that can only be found through tears
and a certain touch
aching fingers
outside the breadth of the home
reaching closer
to a new, sure death
changing into kind, sweet branches
that quietly beckon stronger reasons
for living
and finally
your bones will believe
that they exist to be soft
under their flesh
and that dreams are able to actually
exist outside of despair
outside of rain
and outside of fear and blood

in sleep,
you lay
open
letting the night sky
grow emptiness into
a joy
an infinite dream
an ocean of poems
an idea,
a voice,
falling from the stars
and kissing you on the cheek
laying flowers beside you
gazing lovingly at your faults
your love
and your presence
there is always a sorrow and a darkness
a sense with a constant wish
to sit on your chest
making it hard to breathe
toxic smoke
twirling around your nostrils
making a home out of your lungs
but if you listen
if you listen
there is a loving cleanliness
that is stronger
beating ever brighter
watching as you rest
and imagining the sunlight
that your eyes will create
whispering the safe word
and it is all going to be okay
breaking down the great walls that surround your heart
the room that holds the ways to no longer have to guess
the room that holds all of the answers you long to possess
finding dead parts along the way
signs of only having lived and survived
wandering around the room
realizing the walls really are gone
and oh no—what is going to happen to your heart now
the aching feeling in your stomach
is no match to the power and purity that is to come
meet me at the window
you will lose your breath
but there will be a true escape
full of a growing stardust
and stability
that will put shame to the label that reads “fragile: handle with care.”
and you will ask yourself,
but is this a window or a mirror?
and then you will realize that this question is the point of everything
alluring the tongue of the hidden rays
that shines onto a finally revealed trust
thrusting itself upon your shoulders
and you cannot ignore it now.
a deeply powerful realm
that you have fought so tirelessly to find
reflections will always be reflections
but reality is never a constant
it will be hard to prevent yourself from rebuilding the walls
but take a deep breath
revel in the lightness you feel
and do not forget to remind yourself of the burden of its opposite
it will be even harder to grasp this new feeling
this new reality
but it whispers to you
endless
moonlight running through your veins
illuminating your beautifully constructed being
there is no reason to mourn the loss of so much dead weight
the heavy shadows that have finally drifted away
and soon,
once you awake
you will realize it wasn’t just a dream
the reflection will disappear
only to become a reality
and i promise
i promise
you deserve this beaming experience
that is burning with comfort
and entities pulling love into your fingertips
the intense knowledge that you awake with
the truth floating all around you
will embrace you in its arms
and there won’t be any more questions
but an early thirst to continue to chase after this luster
with a surrounding magnitude
that grows stronger off your heartbeat
and in the morning
when the flowers are still there
the anxiety will not be
and you will gracefully arise
an unknown entity
with a force so powerful
no words will be uttered
but spoken unknown
embracing continuously
what it feels like
to be so
free.

our love is,
dreary morning eyes
& the sun peeking through
mouths that still reek of dreams,
& smiles that soothe

our love is foggy windows
& sweaty bodies
the scent of your skin
& the scent of mine
nights that slip away
& the star above that shines

our love is smooth words
& voices still tainted by sleep
faces painted with smiles
& kisses that make you weak

our love is the position only
our bodies know
the entire continent of us
a map connecting fate
pure feeling
& a vulnerability that feels safe

our love is watching 80s music videos in bed
entangled & innate
laughing just because
it is something to appreciate

our love is adventure-filled days
& treasured memories to keep
a feeling deep within
as our hearts take a leap

our love is a method of praise
your presence like heaven
lost in a blissful daze
i wonder, all of my life, where have you been?

I like this day.
The 17th day, of the 4th month of the year.
I am thinking of you still.
I have been drunk the majority of today,
And that is more or so the truth.

But more the less, I am perfectly okay.
The flight attendant, she noticed my youth,
But she paid for my drink anyway…
I am the only “young one” in this booth.
The middle, it strays emptily.
But I am coming home today…
And I can only hope that I see you soon.
For it is you, who makes me swoon.
If only I could see you…tonight, or any day as soon.

You do not respond, to my dismay.
Here I am, upon the plane.
It is you who makes me sane.
For I’d rather write of you,
Than wait for you to…
Respond to my text of so excitement.
For it is only you who creates incitement.

I stole the crackers and the peanuts from him beside me
He hasn’t awoken, however, I wonder if he would blame me.
Asleep, asleep, sweet dreams does he keep.
And then there’s me, who won’t dare fall asleep.
For I will,
Keep writing poems…
Until I desperately reek of raw &
True emotions.
Until I know that you are mine to keep,
However, until then, your love will continue to move oceans.

From me to yours,
What more could I ask?
This is far more than a love fueled by mere task
Of me and yours and our love combined too…bliss is bliss
And I love you,
I do.

By: Evynne Doue

I could tell you what I think
But most don't care to listen
I try not to waste my time on people like that
Because why would I?
There are people who will literally **** all of the energy out of you
Treating you like a sponge when you are really a sun
There's no remedy for people like this
And they're everywhere
Hidden predators in a pasture full of succulent prey
Which way did they come from?
We may never know.

I am a bright and burning sun and I radiate positive energy from my core
It extends millions of miles outside of me
I am desirable in that aspect
Fueling the thirst of treacherous thieves who can't survive without me
I am precious in that aspect
And you'd think they'd treat me as so
But greed is greed, a viscious and disgusting monster which only continuously grows stronger
And I cannot save them.

I know what it's like to be brave enough to offer your whole self to the world
Glistening energy and all
Only to have it tarnished and chased after by those whose only desire is to take and to take

I am too much in the same way that I am never enough.

I am always getting taken from.
But I do not cry because I am like this
I am whole and perfect and special no matter how much they try to take from me
For I am constantly filling back up
And burning ever brighter.  

I cry for those who aren't a sun,
But a thunderous black hole.
How they must suffer.
I cry for them because that is the only thing left to do
And at least they won't try to consume these tears of mine too
But yet, I hope to water them as so...
Thinking that maybe, someday, they might bloom into a flower, which eventually transforms into a sun.

But I am a dreamer.
And what's done is done.

By: Evynne Doue

Imagine an idea
That is screaming and golden
Growing special
Each day

The weight of my existence was harder to handle
A clean grace that remained
Through the night
I started to run for some reason
And the sensation was strange
But no one noticed
I closed my eyes
And painted the canvas that sits
On the backs of my eyelids
With bright hues
Of all of my favorite colors
Swirls of red, blue, pink, yellow, purple and green
The colors are calming and only
Propel me forward
Now the streets are changing colors
And my breath is getting heavier

In the middle,
The streets become wider
Turning in circles
And I want to blame
Someone
Or something
But I am done being bitter
And beating myself up all the time
I am smiling now
At all of the beautiful and colorful things
Manifesting right in front of my eyes

There is a ***** bliss
And my mind is more attentive
I do not feel as though I need to continue searching,
Letting all of the aching wondering swirl up and around me
Invading my pure and unconscious thoughts
Making me feel like an evil little mess
And then I remind myself that I am my own worst critic

There are frequent,
But completely unknown,
Voices that exist inside of my thoughts
They're not always nice to each other either
They all talk at the same time
And it gets really confusing
They're rarely quiet
But when they are,
The hollowness is not comfortable

As I run,
The voices seem to be talking faster and louder
And I want it all to stop

It feels like my loneliness is spurting out of me in colorful hues like warm gurgling blood  
And I belong to a precious experience
Possessing a knowledge and a passion that was released into my innocence as a youth
Now that my innocence has diminished,
The passion and the knowledge have changed shape
But they are more prominent
Stronger and more powerful than ever before

There are flames on the mountaintops as I stand below them
A stranger laughs and the sunshine glints perfectly atop my twisted and stained fingertips
My wounds have been shed
The rage that was once poison has transformed
Despite the depths of the secret monster that lives inside of me
Hanging despair up by clothespins
I know that the void is fading

Tender wisdom as the greatest killing machine and strings like puppets with no imagination
Respect as a season
That is stuck and stained
Higher
Reaching the horizon
Understanding the changing stream of colors and voices alike

Courage as thunder
Rough weather,
But a beautiful outcome
Kissing the smoothing madness
That swims inside of me daily
Travelling strangers repeating humanity
The mystery is painful
The company is invisible
She'll perfectly fade and disappear and though you will be sad,
You must not forget that it will all be beautiful
And perfect

The ****** ancient curse
And the hidden nasty beast
Have conversations that rhyme
But the gods shine down speaking infinitely
Begging for me to destroy the shell
And fill the holes
Brush off the dirt
And swallow the moonlight

Delicate fields of flying pink petals surround me
The chaos is twice as intense
But never forget that one must
Have chaos burning within them
To give birth to a shining star

By: Evynne Doue

Perhaps tomorrow will be the day that
The flowers will finally bloom
War is never easy
The pieces never smell the way they look
Forgotten wings in the game
Become shadows
And near the wall is where all of the goodbyes are said
Everything is dying
But the crying will eventually pass
Or so, that is all we can hope for
To dust off the past
And never forget that the idea of heaven was born from a desire to never be forgotten
Fear, a catalyst, among other things
Is a push and a pull
Heavy in control
Forever standing in the shadows

By: Evynne Doue

Passion,
Born from warmth
Fueled by the ****
It needs your flesh
Screaming souls
Slowing emotions
Let's form smiles,
Not scars

Just because you cannot return does not mean that the answer is still hidden
Dancing freedom began upon the palm of your hand
Where you stood in a blind whisper
Written veins reign closer and closer
The amateur is defeated
And a purer spirit exists
Only to be later faced
By an all-consuming entity

But when nature embraces the storm,
Strength is gained
And the stars cry out
Seeing sadness as only a
Symptom

By: Evynne Doue

Hearts are broken
And the love has sunk
When did everything get so ****** up?

The world is coming down
Down, down, down
Falling down
Turning to dust and ashes

The world is coming down
But the walls are going up
Up, up, up

Nobody can break through
Anymore

By: Evynne Doue

My happiness was so thick, I could almost taste it
(Or so I thought)

I am thinking about love and how it is basically just happiness and more words and feelings set on fire

You make my heart feel like it is jumping off of the golden gate bridge
And each time it happens,
A small part of me emits a small warning:
"You'd think it'd had learned its lesson by now…
Beware: you will also drown in this same feeling."

You make my heart feel like it is falling off of the tallest skyscraper in Manhattan
But now, it twinges a little just before
A small surge of doubt and caution and everything in between
Zips through me
And before I feel all of the adrenaline, all of the good that comes along with it,
There's this tiny little moment that is full of a dull and aching pain
But especially when you say things that feel like peeling skin back
And it bleeding
When you say things that sound a lot like a dusty record
That skips a lot
Things that feel and sound a lot like black holes and hospital waiting rooms
And so, I ask myself,
Again and again,
When did love become the same thing as pain?

By: Evynne Doue

Where are you?
Just below my chin
I've noticed
Just above my heart
It screams
And then that certain sting
Of grief
Of suffering
Just behind the ribs

Through the doorway
And straight ahead
And you were gone that quickly

Deep down
In some instinctual part of me
I crave the light of your energy

Looking around,
Finding no hope
Just more and more lonely things

This void without you
Like a home
But nothing left in it
Except for the windows

So this same part of me
It waits for you
Residing in this eviscerated home
Until the day you will see me again
And join me
Finally living there,
Together,
Again

But until then,
The windows ache for the sight of you

A subtle visitor,
You are more than this image
I hold of you
This image that is like a beautiful bunch of flowers
That I hold between my tightened fists
Every single day

You are like nobody since I have loved you
Who is the person that strings you out in bunches of stars
Like garland for the night sky?
Who is it that writes your name
In letters of smoke
Amongst the clouds?

Please,
Let me remember you as you were
Before you existed in this context

You are here
You do not run away

I know that
I will always answer you
To your last cry
Curl my love around you
As though I am afraid I might never feel love again

I love you,
And the pain of that
Bites my bottom lip
It bleeds
And swells a little

I love you
Again
And again

When did love become the same thing as pain?

As I bleed this apparent madness
My fingers float lightly on the surface
It's a lot like shards of broken glass
Being thrown at me in random directions and at random intervals
Dealing with this profound, physical and mental ailment
Considering faster and faster which method of action
Will finally be the chess move that determines my demise

Faster darling, what will it take?
The chase tells me to forgive,
To give in to these seemingly "peaceful" desires
That are really more like permanent containments

But I lock it all away,
Trying to avoid the relentless tugging that tells me I shouldn't have to live a life like this
And how is that not counterintuitive, I ask myself?
I am passionate, genuine, and capable,
Is this tugging only temporary?
Perhaps it is residing in an incubator full of vast magnificence

The healing, the healed, the puddles of a lifetime

Entities possessing faulty perspectives
Ultimately revealed through the escaping of some previously immersed ideal
You can twist the **** and discover a newborn adult
Residing in this oddly frightening dimension

Surfaces are frequently misunderstood
They reside within varying intents, across multiple different slates
In this effortless actuality
Emitting a breathtakingly amount of moments
That mesh together into
One wild thing

I tell myself that simpler days will come
That this never-ending cycle will get easier
That the best moments will find me and swallow me whole

Breathing, dying, taking steps towards one or the other
I keep forgetting that my anger shattered my sense of hope
And these friendly pieces of tattered poems I keep finding in between my fingers are nothing more than my lungs swallowing destruction

I bite my tongue again and again
And it never stops bleeding
The taste of metal ever-present
And still, no matter how much I feel like dying,
My lungs continue to fill with air and my heart continues to pump blood and oxygen throughout my entire body

When I drink, it worsens.
I just sit there and expect things to get bad,
To get worse than they already were
Destruction waits around every corner,
In every moment
And most times, I will let it in with open arms and swollen eyes
The tighter this thing wraps around me internally, the less careful I am with my heart
I will just sit and watch these emotions create sharp tunes that are guaranteed to become buried worth

I meant to write more letters
And I am sorry for letting my fear of the future get between us
But I am left wondering if that even means anything.

I apologize for letting the weight of my illness creep in to every facet of my life
And I am sorry that the older I get, the harder this gets and the more relevant my illness becomes

Sometimes I imagine my aura reeks of blood
Wondering how anyone could ever fully love someone like me
A red glow that appears to be calm and gentle
But is really thick and thunderous and difficult to love.

Am I a song that bursts open in the darkest of times,
Or am I a clock that seems to always be displaying the incorrect time?

I am told that things will "get better"
That it will all be "okay"
By those who have never really known what it feels like to hurt in this way
To possess this type of pain
Especially, when the deepest and darkest part of me glorifies loneliness
This thing, and the pain that goes along with it,
Is really only a product of its environment
And, well, doesn’t that make you want to question everything?

By: Evynne Doue

I feel crazy in ways that make me question the "correct" way to put on a toilet paper roll

Does the ply come over and around the top,
Or under and out the bottom?

When I was a young girl, I use to switch the rolls to where the ply came from the bottom because I thought it was "easier" that way.

Now I think it looks "nicer" when it's the other way, though.

I keep thinking about how bad my anxiety gets when I am riding in a car and someone else is driving.

(This obviously has a lot to do with the fact that I have lost far too many amazing and incredible and beautiful people to freak car accidents)

But I think it also has to do with the feeling of not being in control.
I think that aspect plays a great role in feeding in to that constant edge of fear...

On the edge of my seat,
Cringing due to the fact of knowing that at any minute, there is a real possibility that we could get into a terrible crash and die.

Cars **** people every single day, you know.
And usually young people.
(At least it always seems that way).

But part of my thought process revolves around me realizing that every single one of these people is loved deeply by at least one other person (living or dead).

I don't think it's the dying part that scares me so much,
But knowing how many people whom I love more than life who would be so dreadfully hurt, and in so much pain, if I were to ever die suddenly and unexpectedly in some horrible and unfortunate accident.

That's what really scares me…
Hurting the people I love.

I've felt that pain.
I know that hurt deeply.
And never would I ever wish it upon a person,
(No matter how much I might possibly despise them).

I think that I get so upset when people drive recklessly (even just a little bit) because (to me) they don't realize how ******* fragile everything is...

(Fragile; I've always like that word)

Don't people see how fragile it all is? How fragile and finite the life of a loved one is? How fragile and finite all life is in general?

I'm scared to death riding in cars with people
(More scared than I've ever been)
And I've been thinking a lot about it.

*One week into it and November has been "fragile" so far.

In this moment, I miss you more than ever.

Thoughts of you consume me.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately.
You are constantly showing up in my mind.
When I look at myself right now and who I am becoming again,
I think of you and every good thing about you
And every good thing you bring out in me.

I was lucky to have a man like you.
No one compares,
No one else exists.
Just you.

I know from experience how destructive it is to harbor something deep inside and bury it deeper and deeper until it's beneath the surface and doesn't feel like a real thing anymore. To make every effort to no longer acknowledge its presence and it's reality.

I also know from experience that this process is always extremely painful and detrimental to not only yourself but any other people involved, especially in the long run. It doesn't result in steps forward but a million steps back. It is not a progressive process and it should be avoided at every cost.

This doesn't mean that it is easy to do so. Especially when it hurts as much as it does. With all of those insanely strong emotions and reactions and feelings and thoughts attached to all of that pain, feeling as if they will never wither away and die. "Bury the pain, forget about it, don't acknowledge or nurture it, it will eventually go away and never come back!"

Just because you buried it doesn't mean its roots aren't still very much present.

Grow your pain. Nurture it. Begin the healing process. Turn it in to something that is good and positive. Recognize the lesson and reason behind it. Look at it as a chance to do better and to be better. Build it up until its presence begins to matter and become a defining aspect of who you are. This manifested pain will become something good and beautiful and more powerful and stronger than anything you could ever imagine. Instead of burying it and making it disappear, I urge you to fill yourself full until you are busting at the seams.

**That is the goal.

We were driving in my car
It was dark
And the rain was drizzling down
Painting colorful silhouettes
Of street lights
All over the pavement

Red
Green
Orange
Green
Orange
Green
Red

All of these colors racing towards us
Illuminating a path all the way up,
As far ahead as our eyes could see

And you said something like,
The reflections
Make it seem like we are about to fall in
Crash down into a lightless void
Deep below
But we just keep driving
And then there it is in front of us again
And again, we do not fall in
We just keep going
We keep going
And we keep on going

*It's all we can do

I made myself promise to
Stop planting flowers
In people's yards
Who never even tried to water them
Or forgot to
Or never even gave a **** about flowers
Whatever
I stopped letting people take me
And cut me down
And dry me out


I have too many scars for that
My bones have endured too much

I am strong
And I deserve to be watered
Kissed
And loved
Able to grow as tall and as strong
And as beautiful
As I want

And I don't have to depend on anyone either

I am strong
And I deserve to be treated as so

By: Evynne Doué

How much I craved
Experience
When I was a child
Almost broke me
(It did to some extent)
How I craved
To be full
Emptiness invaded me
Much too
Young

At six,
Determined
Driven
By this looming
Emptiness
To teach myself
How to ride
A bike
Not allowing myself
To give up
Until I had accomplished
That goal

“Maybe he will be
Proud of me
And tell me.
Maybe he won’t
Sit in there
All alone
(Without me)
Anymore.”

Dad,
You never
Taught me
To ride a bike
Like you were
Supposed to
But maybe
You were teaching me
Something else

Maybe that’s why
I taught
My younger sister and brother
To ride a bike

Maybe that’s why
I taught
My youngest sister
To walk
And she took her
First steps
To me
In your mother’s kitchen

Maybe that’s why
I was so
Determined
Driven
To give them
Something
I never got
But always
Felt

Maybe that’s why
I was so
Determined
Driven
To prevent that
Emptiness
From contaminating
Them
Much too
Young

Maybe
You taught me
Strength
Instead of
Skill

Maybe
You created
That irrefutable
Initiative
That still
Drives me
To this day

I owe my
Resilience
To you
And your
Absence
And me
And my
Emptiness

I forgive you
I forgive you
*I forgive
You

When he happened upon his broken father
A boy too young to see
Needles and trash strewn all over
"Daddy? Dad? Can you hear me?"

"Are you okay, Dad? Are you okay?"
Knowing deep down the answer
His heart ached with confusion,
His innocence ripped away
The drugs, he thought
Were a form of cancer
And heavy on their shoulders
Did they weigh

Timid to approach the skeleton
Leaning against the wall,
Knowing they would
Both be frozen to the touch
Tears swelled
Not wanting to fall,
Balancing on the ledges
Of their eyelids
It was all almost
Too much

But he never gave up on him,
Not even when everyone else did
"I love you, Son. I love you more than you can imagine."

The sight could make a small boy dizzy
But he hung on like death, although it was not easy
But what can a small boy do when he sees his father in this view?

He stared into empty eyes
Thinking viciously of his mother's lies
But what does a small boy know of love's austere and lonely shadows?

I love you, Dad. Are you still there?
Wondering in his heart if he would ever get better

I love you, Son. I'm here. I'm always here.
But even that,
Couldn't ease this
Crippling fear

The change is
Intoxicatingly
Beautiful

Colorful life forms
Suddenly cover
The entirety of the ******
Formerly a deathful void
Now a beautiful and lively
Whole

Her breath sends
A sweet scent
Over all of the
Land

A happiness
    So unexpected
    So lovely
    So breathtaking
I do not know
What to do
With my overflowing
Heart

earlier in the night you said to me, "it's as if our bodies fit together perfectly... i can't understand it"

now
as i melt perfectly into your embrace
my body pressed and formed perfectly into yours
you say
sounding as if you feel refreshed or relieved or maybe just utterly content
"ah, a perfect mold"
and then chuckle quietly

you close your eyes as a look of the most complete and pure happiness
covers your soft and loving face and contains your entire body
and my entire body
and the lovely combination of both of our bodies
fitting together so perfectly

i hate sounding cliché
but i don't know how else to go about saying you complete me

you complete me, darling
you complete me

Telling yourself you don't exist doesn't change anything
Dreams are the same thing as death these days
Are you willing to lose everything for your passion and your purpose?

The quiet raindrops comfort your tears for it was your very tears that came from the vast and salty ocean
With your mouth full of your own blood, the only thing you can taste is her tongue
Your words, soiled with memory of hers
Your skin, void of any warmth,
Numb and frozen, without her silky flesh to caress

You search for the sunlight
The rain has been pleasant
But you long for the sun to reach its rays out, dig deep, and warm you from your very core
You wonder if you will ever feel again, if the numbness will subside
But comfort comes in storm clouds and happiness always forgets to kiss you goodnight
Loneliness clouds your judgment and escape is only accomplished to your own demise

You feel weak with so many pieces missing
Will you ever be whole?
The thought of bliss burns your hollow insides until you incinerate from the inside out
And all you are is broken fragments
***** dust with no place to invade except for your *own broken heart

my fingers have become blind
to the passing warmth of years and
my lips have forgotten
way too soon

i bet i taste lonely
kiss me again so i can know for sure
but then you'll just leave so i guess i'll know then too

i apologize in advance
(and i guess you have figured it out)
i cannot stay
but while i'm gone
my anxious heart will be writing poems for you
(because you are my home)

Sometimes I feel like one of the books that sit on my bookshelf
Having yet to be read
Obtained long ago only to be immediately put away again
Forgotten
Lost amongst the others
Acquiring more and more dust as more and more time passes
And I wonder
Will anyone ever pick me up?
And delve into the words and worlds I hold deep inside
Fall in love with my tattered pages
And feel sad once they have read me cover to cover
Only to end up re-reading me again and again
Trying desperately to discover something new
To come back to me and flip through my pages
Returning to the underlined phrases
And reflecting upon the notes in the margins
Falling in love all over again
Will I ever become someone's favorite book?
One that will no longer be lost amongst the others
No longer long to be held
To be known
Will anyone ever love me so much
They will tirelessly read me over and over again
And never grow bored
Never grow tired
Carry me with them everywhere they go
Love me so much they will
Never leave me alone to gather dust again

Humanity is
Promised suffering
Infinite and delicate roots
Bleed timeless torment
And misery

You might as well just go ahead and say it
You need me like a bad habit, you crave me like an addict
But our future is an easy thing to define, we never even had it

I know you will never leave
And you know I'll always be there
I know you would agree
And you know I'll never compare

Although I am no longer in love with you, your effect on me will never weaken or fade
After four years, you'd think it would have already decayed
But instead, it chose to further invade

At least I know now, a love purer than the one we shared exists
But that doesn't change the fact that with you, even misery was bliss

My irises are a force of continuum
Pulling you closer and closer
Until you're drunk off my mesmerization
Like a love spell, but it's real

There is a woman
Eager with doubt
Missing the secrets
As kisses fade
Fears push onward
Foolish feelings surface

Sorrow keeps the gray hearts breaking
And the lonely souls aching

She paints the streets
Until they are glistening
Wildly
With her tears

Unforgettable bones
Have been buried
The emptiness
Mutates
Fading fingertips
Break
Expanding wounds
Ache
And Innocence
Is replaced
By a
**Monster

Sleeping lovers
Mad with drive
Naked hearts
Torn from their homes
Forcing lack of emotion
Drunk
Covered in dirt
Listening to the wine calling
Searching for the key
Locked away with
The demons

Quick, darling
The flames have
Barely covered
The garden
We still have
Time

Yesterday's
Distance
Is no match
For our
Loss

Someday,
The ghosts will bleed
And
We will win

Someday
He will forget
The bottle
And his
Reflection
Will make his insides
Scream

Shattered winds
Of vanished youth
The life drained
Definitively
From his very flesh
Pale and vacant
Void of
Everything good
He once had
In total awe
Due to the liquid’s
Draining
Power

Hollow
But sinking
Numb
But hurting

Weakness stands
At the door to where he
Once resided
It’s come for its
Fix
Thirsting for it
Burning under the
Control of
Its Addiction

But
He is
Nowhere
To be found
Lost
Somewhere else
Consumed
By something
Far more
Intoxicating

I kept all the photographs
We were beautiful and bored and weird, but we were comfortable
Trying to light cigarettes with a lighter that was out of fluid
Doing some drugs to make the world pretty again
Getting lost in our thoughts and getting lost in each other
Gazing at the world through the rearview mirror of his car
We had no idea

All we had, we lost
We were never meant to be part of the future
I looked at him and thought about the intensity with which I loved him
And yet, all I could hear myself say was, "We're not gonna make it"
Then he said it out loud
So I repeated it back
And we were so happy, so careless
We knew we wouldn't last so we laughed and laughed and carried on and kissed until our mouths were too dry and the day still wanted to last

We were beautiful and bored and weird
But we were never gonna make it
We never did make it

Love in an open hand
Free
Unhidden
And I am drowning in it

"Mental Illness"
Do those words excite you?
Look at me
I am a whirlpool of melancholy
I am a drain
I am filled with mania
I am a pulse
An endless flame
Of what perfect madness
I am every kind of fluctuation imaginable
"Mental Illness"
But I am so intimately rearranged
Put together in the most unique
And beautiful
And miserable of ways

"Mental Illness"
Ha,
*I am so much more than that.

Something in my throat made my unspoken words shake.
And something in between every aching memory made the lights seem like at any moment,
They would break.

The floorboards creaked with every step of my timid feet,
As the shattered glass dove in deeper and deeper,
Like it was pouring from the stained and sagging ceiling above me.
And as it opened up the scars that had just barely finished healing,
My skin screamed with pain and panic until the tears didn't want to fall,
But they did.
I could feel the sum of my strength weakening
As the first teardrop fell from my face
And landed on the ground with a vibrant shatter.
Then the tears fell like frantically racing raindrops
On a cold and stormy day.
And as they despairingly drained from me,
So did my strength.
And yet,
I thought it was all so beautiful.

But as the newly awakened wounds opened up wider and wider,
I could hear my heart howling in agony,
Hiding all alone in its quiet room.
I tried to give it something for the pain
But it just screamed louder.
So I tried to comfort it
But it just went back to hating me again.
"Tell me when you think it was that
We became so unhappy,
So hopeless,
So vulnerable;
Sleeping out of sync
With our dreams utterly
Severed and estranged?
Tell me,
How do we fix it?"

The constant weight of
Hope versus practicality.
I never minded it always blaming me for its mistakes,
I just made sure that I always held it
Close enough
And tight enough
During every single earthquake.
But no one is going to fix it for us,
Because no one can.
There's no one else,
There's never been.
It's just us two.
And we're not even two,
We're really just one.
And that's when things start to feel
Especially lonely.
But maybe it will all cease when I stop living my life
Staring into the barrel of a gun.

But maybe,
We're really just one.
Only one.
No one else,
No one else but me and my hardening heart,
Never apart.
Only one.
*Just me,
And my lovely counterpart.

He built houses out of
Tiny twigs
Along the etched lines
On the palms of his
Rugged hands
To give me somewhere
To call home again

They say most things are better,
When shared with another.
Well,
No one else comes to mind when I think of
The ideal and only person
I would be willing to share
All of my love with.
All of my life
My joy
My sorrow
My everything.
He* is the ultimate answer
Love is the ultimate answer
He and love
They are the same
And they are
Everywhere
In everything
In every ounce of my boiling blood
And every fraction
Of every fiber
In my timid being.

He is overwhelming
In the same way in which it feels
To be in a beautiful foreign country
For the first time
He is addicting
Like the first three
(And next four)
Cigarettes you smoke
After telling everyone you have quit
He is irresistible
Just like that
One certain scent
The one that always brings
A flashflood of memories
And feelings
And beauty
And safety
Back up to surface until
Every inch of your skin
Is tingling
With raw sensation
A thirst explodes out of
the deepest part of you
As it brings you back
To the very last time you ever
felt something so special
Which is exactly the reason
You will do anything in your will
To get
One more lungful
Just to bring you back
To that beautifully indescribable place
One more time

He crocheted me with kisses
And wooed me with words
Penetrating the years of fear and hurt
Built like a fortress around my heart
And sending every nerve in my body
Into a ****** tangent.
Under the right light,
It's as if I am adorned
With flowers
**Because of him.

Before meeting him,
There was a feeling that
Dominated my being
To the point that
At times,
It was crippling.
It was a feeling that constantly tugged at
The outer parts of my insides,
Always making its presence known
In the most abominable of ways.
It was a feeling that made me feel
As if I was missing someone,
Something,
So much
That it was like I was missing
A part of myself.
Like somewhere down the road,
I misplaced a very important,
Very special,
Part of me.
And then
There was this feeling in my gut
That told me I had to do
Whatever it took to get it back,
Whatever it was.
It was a feeling that made me believe
That the one thing I truly needed was
Somewhere out there,
Hiding behind some stunningly tragic
And beautifully flawed
Perfection of this mind-numbing
Human reality.

And it was,
I found it in him.

My head was rested on your chest
Your fingers intertwined in mine
Everything seemed normal again
But we were far from it
You weren't mine and I wasn't yours
We talked for hours
It was so hard to be that close to you but still know
That I did not have you
I wanted you to be mine again
I wanted the world to make sense again

You knew it would be my last moment there
You walked me out and kissed me goodbye
I didn't want to believe that this was going to be my
Last time kissing you
I got in my car and drove away
I drove away for the last time

Standing there
Staring down at myself
I wonder
Would one consider
Me a
Victim
or a
Valiant?

I am flesh
I am bones
I am mania
I am melancholy
I am madness

My clouded reflection eyes me
Like it is analyzing
My every twitch
Trying to decide if
I am a victim of this
Or maybe if it is a victim
That I have saved
It can see that I am dependent
(I depend on the pills
To make a difference)

I stare into blank eyes
A sober face
I touch my rippling reflection
Like I could actually feel it
For what it is
In its true essence
All it does is
Disappear

I look at myself
And wonder
Who took it
And took it from me
In silence
Until I had given it
All away
And silence
Was all I had left?

The surface calms
I can see my face again
My eyes look glossy
Like I am
Somewhere else
(I am)
In the dark mirror
A woman is trying to
Make waves with her legs
No, she is just
Passing by
Am I a victim
To this travesty
I am unintentionally
A part of?
Or am I a hero
Because I have managed
To conquer it
Before it could
Fill me up
And sink me down
Until I
*Disappeared forever?

Something about the way she sighs
Always taking those long, drawn-out breaths
Because she once grew so accustomed to taking such long, drown-out drags from her cigarette
Though she broke the habit of smoking
She could never break the habit of breathing so deeply
But you like small sounds

Something about the way she laughs quietly
Like her voice is shy and timid of being acknowledged
But you like small sounds
So you notice

Something about the way she mumbles
In bed, she once whispered, "I'll never leave you"
And you weren't sure if she was awake or asleep
But it didn't matter, you believed her anyway
Because you like small sounds
And you love her quiet way